


A Fine Line

by Aramenialys



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Plot to TLJ?, Canon Divergent, Eventual relationship, F/M, Force Bond, Post TFA, Pre-TLJ?, Slow Burn, i don't really know how to tag it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2018-10-02 09:10:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 29
Words: 124,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10214231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aramenialys/pseuds/Aramenialys
Summary: When Rey starts having strange dreams, she doesn't question them too much. She believes them to be dreams, and nothing more. Then one day, a visit from the infamous Kylo Ren turns everything upside down, and Rey starts to wonder if everything is not as it once seemed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SO! Here it is, the first thing I've ever put out, and it's for Star Wars. If you'd told me three years ago that I was going to be as obsessed as I am now, I would have laughed in your face. But, here I am! I'm really nervous about putting this out, especially since it's for Star Wars, a fandom that has such a dedicated fanbase that does their research. But, I absolutely love this fandom and really want to contribute.
> 
> Just a fair warning, my updates may be sporadic because, hey, so am I, but they will come. I will do my best to give you a good story in a reasonable amount of time, and I'm hoping that I can have this all finished before The Last Jedi so I don't give up on it midway through because it is no longer canon-compliant, though I don't see that happening so it'll probably just end up being a canon-divergent fic.
> 
> Thank you! Please enjoy this pile of trash that I lay before y'all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rey, focus. Clear your mind. Calm your thoughts," Luke's voice broke in, the tone soothing but the words aggravating.
> 
> "I'm trying."
> 
> Rey fought the urge to huff. She knew the Jedi meant well, but she knew what she had to do, she just couldn't do it. She could feel Luke's eyes on her and her temper flared. A flash of pain surged up her leg and her face flushed.
> 
> "Rey-"
> 
> She sighed frustratedly, unwilling to be scolded yet again. "I apologize, Master Luke. I'll keep trying."
> 
> "Keep your anger with me in check, Rey. Anger-"
> 
> "'Leads to the Dark Side.' Yes, you've told me."
> 
> She closed her eyes and tried to clear her head yet again. A sort of peaceful fog settled over her, and she could feel herself making progress. She smiled inwardly at her success, but her triumph was short-lived; another burning pain shot down her arm and rage coursed through her.
> 
> She flew to her feet. She couldn't take it anymore. She had to get away and figure things out. What was happening? Why was it happening? And how could she make it stop?

Meditation had never been Rey’s strong suit. Her mind was always in way too many places at once, and it was hard enough to focus on just one thing, but to clear her mind completely? Almost impossible.

“Calm down, Rey. Don’t worry about not getting the hang of it just yet; that will only make it harder for you.”

Unfortunately, Master Luke had always been a strong believer in the fact that meditation was the best way to become more attuned to the Force, and had Rey practice for two hours every day. Rey hated this but did what she was told. She always did what she was told. It was the only way for her to become a Jedi.

It was the only way for her to win against the Dark Side.

Rey took a deep breath. She hated how silent it was. The stillness only made it easier for things to whirl through her head without cease. Especially those confusing, unneeded sensations. She didn’t understand them, she didn’t want them, and she didn’t need them. Every time she thought about...about  _ him _ , she got a knot in her chest. She had convinced herself it was hate, but sometimes she felt more guilty, or sad, or angry, and sometimes even scared, but not quite hateful.

She wanted it to be hate.  _ Needed _ it to be. But when the knot appeared followed by memories that she was certain weren’t hers, and flashes of pain that were completely unprovoked, she wasn’t really sure what was going on. It scared her, but she didn’t dare tell anyone about it. The last thing she wanted was someone thinking she felt anything less than loathing for that monster. Sometimes, though, she came very close to telling someone, anyone, just to see if maybe they could help her. But the thought of telling her master was scarier to her than the flashes themselves, so she managed to keep her mouth shut.

She wondered if Luke could sense when she was having a particularly bad flash, and, deciding to be safe rather than sorry, she tried her best to make sure she stayed away from him when they got too bad. After all, if  _ he _ could dig through her head to get whatever he wanted, it shouldn’t have been hard for Luke to do the same. Rey just couldn’t risk him finding out and scolding her, maybe even distancing himself from her. Then, the delicate framework of her training would come crashing down, and everything she’d been working for would be lost.

Today, though, she was losing her patience. She kept feeling burning sensations on her arms, legs, and upper back that were followed by a knot of anger or fear. Rey tried not to think about them too much, that always made them worse, but they wouldn’t stop, and the fact that she was meditating and unable to distract herself with another activity frustrated Rey more than anything else. She was starting to worry about herself.

“Rey, focus. Clear your mind. Calm your thoughts,” Luke’s voice broke in, the tone soothing but the words aggravating.

“I’m trying.”

Rey fought the urge to huff. She knew the Jedi meant well, but she knew what she had to do, she just couldn’t  _ do _ it. She could feel Luke’s eyes on her and her temper flared. A flash of pain surged up her leg and her face flushed.

“Rey-”

She sighed frustratedly, unwilling to be scolded yet again. “I apologize, Master Luke. I’ll keep trying.”

“Keep your anger with me in check, Rey. Anger-”

“‘Leads to the Dark Side’ yes, you’ve told me.”

She closed her eyes and tried to clear her head yet again. A sort of peaceful fog settled over her, and she could feel herself making progress. She smiled inwardly at her success, but her triumph was short-lived; another burning pain shot down her arm and rage coursed through her.

She flew to her feet. She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to get away and figure things out. What was happening?  _ Why _ was it happening? And how could she make it stop? She started walking quickly away from where she’d been sitting with her master.

“Rey?” her master called after her, clearly alarmed. “Rey!”

But Rey didn’t stop, didn’t turn to listen. She broke into a run, pumping her legs faster and faster as she ran. She ran to the most secluded place on the island; its highest point. At the island’s peak, you could see the ocean’s usually docile waves for miles, and the sunsets were beautiful. Rey loved to watch the water roll around as the sun glinted off the gentle waves. It was calming, and calm was exactly what she needed right now.

She finally reached her spot, but when she arrived, she didn’t sit down like she usually did. She wanted to, but she was too restless, too skittish. She felt everything bubbling up inside her; the anger, the fear, the confusion, the frustration, desperate for a release.

“What is  _ wrong _ with me?” she screamed. “Whatever it is, make it stop! I don’t want it anymore! I didn’t want it in the first place! Just-!”

She searched around for something, anything, to relieve some of the tension building up in her chest and found a sizeable rock. She picked it up and hurled it as hard as she could. She watched it as it sailed over the edge of the cliff, listening for the satisfying THUNK it would make as it hit the water below. But it didn’t come.

Rey dropped to her hands and knees and crawled to the edge, looking down at the beach. The rock sat at the edge of the shore, mocking her as the tide lapped at the sand around it. She flopped onto her back and groaned; today was not a good day.

She stared up at the cloudless blue sky, wondering about the goings on beyond this planet’s atmosphere. About the Resistance, about Leia, about Chewie…about Finn. He’d still been unconscious when she left: had he woken up yet? What was happening with the Resistance now that the immediate threat of Starkiller Base was no longer an issue?

And the First Order. Were they already regrouping? Already planning another attack on the Resistance base? Or were they still mourning the loss of their weapon? Were they even upset about all the people they’d lost? Probably not. The countless stormtroopers and commanders that had died were probably just numbers on a holopad to the Order. An inconvenience. Just as disposable as a piece of broken machinery. But if they weren’t upset, Rey certainly was. Enough for the both of them. Even though those people were the enemy, they all had lives. Families, friends, people they cared about…just like Finn. And now they were gone. Just like that. With maybe no one but Rey to mourn them.

And it was the Resistance’s fault.

Didn’t that make them just as bad as the people they were trying to stop? Didn’t that make the Resistance just as reckless and cruel?

Rey shook her head.

No. They didn’t blow up entire systems of innocent people. They didn’t wipe out dozens of villages for no reason. They didn’t torture innocents for information they may or may not have.

_ They didn’t kill their own families _ .

A pain that was most certainly her own knotted up her chest uncomfortably. She hadn’t known Han for long, but losing him had still been hard. He’d had the kind of life Rey had longed to live. One of adventure and exploration, one of diversity and spontaneity, one of recklessness and  _ fun _ . And he’d been willing to share it with her, to give her a place where she belonged. To give her a home, a family. To give her everything that she’d ever wanted. And, at first, like an  _ idiot _ , she’d turned it down, afraid that she’d miss something if she left the bubble of relative safety and predictiveness that was Jakku. She’d soon realized that she would miss a lot more if she stayed on that forsaken sand planet any longer. But before she could even make the choice, she’d had it ripped away from her. By that monster. He’d destroyed any chance at her growing closer to Han, at having him become a father figure to her; there to give a few wise words when she was confused and to crack a joke when she was feeling down. And that was why she hated him. Hated him with all of her being.

Luke told her that hating him was wrong and that rather than hate him, she should pity him, but she couldn’t find it in herself to do so. How could you pity someone who’d had their life handed to them on a silver platter? Born into a well-known, well-loved family who was held in high regard. Trained in the Force from a young age, courtesy of Luke. Never known a day of hunger or abandonment in his life. And yet he’d still turned against all of that, against all of  _ them _ , for...what? She couldn’t understand how Luke couldn’t hate him, and how Leia could still believe that he might come back. If she had been related to him, maybe it would have been different, she guessed. But, if anything, she probably would have felt even more hurt, even more betrayed by this person who she thought she knew. If someone she trusted had turned on her that way, she didn’t know if she’d be able to hope that they’d come back. In fact, she’d probably want them to stay far, far away.

Another flash of pain startled her out of her musing, this time at her mouth. She lightly brushed her fingertips against her mouth, expecting blood from what felt like a split lip, but when she pulled her hand away, it was as clean as it had been before. Fear gripped her momentarily, then shock, then it gave way to rage before the episode ended abruptly, leaving Rey just as upset and confused as before.

She sighed and closed her eyes tightly, lying as still as she possibly could. Maybe it was finally time to tell Luke. She really didn’t want to go back and face her master so soon after her outburst, but she didn’t know what else to do. There was no one else to tell, and even though she hated to admit it to herself, he’d probably know what to do better than anyone else. But that didn’t mean she wanted to tell him about all this, by any means. So, she was going to lay here for as long as possible. Maybe she could work out what to tell him. Certainly not, “Oh, well, you see Master Luke, I think I might be losing my mind. Yeah, I’ve been getting angry or sad or scared even though I have no reason to be when it happens. And sometimes it comes with a flash of pain, usually on my arms or legs, and it burns.  Mmhmm, and it doesn’t really even last long enough to do anything but concern me. What’s that? Oh, I  _ am _ going crazy? Okay, good talk.” No. But she didn’t exactly have any excuse for what had just happened, so she had to give some semblance of an explanation.

Rey slowly sat up, squinting into the setting sun. She sighed, crossing her legs. She’d tell him later if she told him at all. Right now, she was going to try to meditate again. Maybe she’d get an answer that way.

* * *

“Agh!”

Kylo stumbled backward and grabbed his arm where another Knight’s lightsaber had grazed him for the fourth or fifth time. He hissed in pain, clenching his teeth, and pulled his hand away to find that most of his sleeve had been singed off and he sighed in frustration. That had been his last usable shirt.

The same Knight flew at him, knocking him to the ground. Kylo’s head banged against the cement floor with a sickening thud, making his ears ring, and his vision went fuzzy for a moment, but he didn’t even have time to recover before a gravelly voice came from the corner of the room.

“Again.”

Anger flared in Kylo’s chest, but he was so exhausted that not even rage could fuel him like he needed it to. Still, he had to continue. He roughly shoved the Knight off of him and staggered to his feet. He brought his hand away from the wound on his arm and wiped the sweat out of his eyes, taking his stance yet again. His eyes flicked toward the Supreme Leader, but the disfigured creature merely continued to observe the other two Knights circling Kylo with rapt attention.

Kylo noticed the other Knights had both noticeably slowed since the beginning of the training session. He had to beat them. The dueling would continue until he did. They were just as tired as he was and also desperately wanted this duel to end, but they knew that there were two of them and only one of Kylo and that no matter how many times they dueled, he would not be able to come out on top. Not in the state he was in. But, Supreme Leader was relentless, and he’d know if they threw the match.

“What are you waiting for? An invitation?” he boomed, startling everyone in the small training room. His hologram shifted forward slightly in its seat. “One of you attack!”

There was a moment of hesitation, but Kylo saw his opportunity when one of the other Knights turned to look at the Supreme Leader. Kylo flew at him, hitting him in the back of the head with the butt of his lightsaber so hard that he crumpled. Kylo whirled to face the other Knight and, having caught him off guard, quickly overpowered and disarmed him, pinning him to the ground. When he had managed to keep his opponent incapacitated on the floor for a good ten seconds, Supreme Leader finally sat back in his seat, apparently satisfied.

“Enough. Return to your quarters for the night. I expect to see you all here in the morning.”

Kylo lurched to his feet, turning to face the hologram. He bowed, and the hologram flickered slightly before disappearing completely. He let out a sigh and extinguished his lightsaber, attaching it to his belt before turning to the conscious Knight. He roughly yanked him to his feet and made for the exit quickly, stepping over the Knight he’d knocked out on his way out the door.

He staggered through the halls, glaring at anyone who dared to glance at him as he passed by. Blood ran from his upper lip into his mouth and he wiped it away, annoyed. Annoyed that he’d let himself be beaten more than once,  annoyed that he’d had to rely on their weaknesses and not his strengths to win, annoyed that he couldn’t seem to do anything  _ right _ .

He came to his door and barely made it to his bed before collapsing. He lie on his bed, staring up at the cold hard ceiling, pondering what exactly it was he was doing anymore.

Did he even believe in what he was fighting for? He was starting to wonder. He found himself questioning everything he’d previously been taught, everything he’d previously believed was right, and often he discovered he couldn’t justify everything with some explanation as to why it had to be the way it was.

Sometimes, he considered just hopping on a shuttle and running away from it all. Running to farthest reaches of the galaxy and disappearing. He could leave and get far, far away from all…this. He could start over and try to forget about this life. About who he was, who he had been, anyway, what he’d done, what he’d caused, what he’d seen. And even though he’d never be able to come back, he couldn’t find a reason why that’d be a bad thing. One thing was for certain: he was never going back to where he’d come from before all this.

‘Not that I’d be welcome there anyway,’ he thought.

Shame made his face burn red. He still couldn’t believe he’d done it. It had happened months ago, and he still lay awake at night thinking about it. Though he’d never admit it, he’d cried. More than once, too. He couldn’t get over the fact that he’d taken the life of someone who used to mean so much to him, someone who still meant more to him than he would’ve liked to admit. He would have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat. Nightmares that never seemed to release him, even in his waking moments. Nightmares that would probably never release him.

Kylo threw his arm over his face and buried his nose in the crook of his arm, taking a deep breath and forcing himself not to cry. He could not be weak. He would not be weak.

After taking a few steadying breaths, he sat up and threw off his gloves before he tore off his cloak, flinging it to the floor. His shirt followed in quick succession. Wincing, he examined the wounds on his arms. They still stung, especially the newest one; it was deeper than the rest, but not enough to be serious, so he wouldn’t worry about it. He checked for any other wounds on his upper body, but when he found none, he flopped back down. He supposed that he should go and get the injuries checked and wrapped by a medic so they didn’t get infected, but he frankly did not have the energy to do so at the moment, so he decided he’d go in the morning.

He ran a hand down his face, sighing. Today’s training session had not gone the way he’d hoped, and he could tell that the Supreme Leader had been disappointed as well.

‘Why can’t I do anything  _ right _ ?’ he thought angrily. ‘Why do I have to be a disappointment to everyone?’

He rolled onto his side, tracing the scar on his face with his index finger. He didn’t know why he’d kept it; it was just a reminder of another time that he’d failed. A reminder of a night that had turned everything on its head.

He rolled his eyes in disgust. That scavenger had beaten him. Him. He was supposed to be one of the most, no,  _ the most _ powerful Force user in the galaxy and a mere scavenger girl had beaten him. Granted, she’d had the Force too, but she was only just learning about her abilities. Kylo had been trained in the ways of the Force for years. He should have been able to at least disarm her and convince her to come with him, but he couldn’t even manage that. And now Supreme Leader had been working him tirelessly.

_ “I will not have you defeated by her again, understood? My best pupil will not be a disgrace to his legacy because he is too weak to finish off a scavenger.” _

Those had been the encouraging words Kylo was met with on his first day of training with the Supreme Leader after the incident. The words had definitely cut deep, and now Kylo struggled daily to prove himself to his master. But it still did not seem to be enough. Nothing ever seemed to be enough. And his master either did not sense his inner turmoil or did not care, and Kylo had to suffer alone. Things he couldn’t seem to figure out swirled in his head, and they never stopped, never gave him a moment’s peace. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up without a knot in his stomach, and he was constantly thinking about what he’d done, and what he still continued to do. The more he thought about it, the more things seemed to confuse him, and he continued to spiral.

He kicked the sheets up and shoved his legs underneath them, balling them up in his fists and yanking them over his shoulders. He rolled onto his back and willed himself to sleep, even though he knew it wouldn’t come, no matter how exhausted he was. It never did.

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I just want it to stop,” he whispered to the empty room. “I just want it all to stop…”

He wanted to stop feeling. He wanted to stop trying. He wanted to stop striving to achieve something, only to be told that he’d never be good enough. He wanted to stop being compared to people. He wanted to stop trying to fit other people’s models for who  _ they _ thought he should be. He wanted to stop being criticized and scrutinized and cut down by anyone and everyone he was trying to impress. He wanted to stop feeling guilty. He wanted to stop questioning everything. He wanted to stop doubting everything. He just wanted to  _ stop _ .

He slid out of bed, unable to stay in one place anymore. He paced around his room, trying to keep himself from destroying everything he saw. He clenched and unclenched his fists, gritting his teeth painfully. He bit down hard on his lip to keep from crying out in frustration and anger. He wouldn’t lose control. He  _ wouldn’t _ lose control.  _ He wouldn’t lose control. _

His breathing sped up and his heart felt like it was about to pound out of his chest. He swallowed hard, like doing so could force down everything he was feeling, like it could shove every unwanted emotion into a box and lock it. He tried counting down from ten, but instead of helping him, the slow pace only irritated him more. Nothing seemed to be working. He wanted a release. He  _ needed _ a release.

He wouldn’t lose control. He wouldn’t lose control. He wouldn’t lose control.

He finally raised his hand, unable to control himself anymore-

Then, despite everything, he felt an inexplicable calm wash over him. It was as if by some miracle the Force had heard and answered him with a moment of peace where everything  _ stopped _ .

He quit pacing immediately. To say he was shocked was an understatement; it was the most unprecedented feeling he’d ever experienced in his life. It was unsettling just how peaceful he felt, but the weird thing was, it was almost like it wasn’t him feeling it. Or maybe he was feeling it through someone else because his despair was definitely still there, it was just masked by this incomprehensible peace. The only way he could even manage to describe the feeling to himself was it was like he was meditating without even realizing it.

He sat down on his bed heavily, running a shaky hand through his hair. He took a deep breath, trying to soak in the peace. What was happening to him? Was this what it was like to go crazy? If it was, he decided he wouldn’t mind it so much. At least it dulled everything down to a dizzying numbness.

He sat on his bed, staring blankly at the wall opposite him, unsure of what he should do, and afraid that if he  _ did _ do anything it would disappear. He resorted to just enjoying it while it lasted.

A few minutes later, it stopped just as quickly as it had started.

Kylo, though slightly unnerved by the feeling, longed for it to come back. It had been the only time he’d even felt remotely calm since that night, and he was sad to see it end. He waited to see if by some miracle it did come back, but, when ten minutes had passed and he still felt nothing, he gave up hope of the blissful feeling returning. So, he lay back down and closed his eyes, trying to hold on to the fading aftereffects of the peacefulness to help lull him into a light and restless sleep.   
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hello?"
> 
> Rey heard her voice echo in the darkness that surrounded her. It was deep, menacing, and she couldn't see anything but black. She stayed still and silent, listening intently for any sounds, but no response to her shout met her ears. She took tentative steps backward, away from the looming blackness, unwilling to leave the only circle of faint light that brightened the space around her. Strange noises and whispers echoed from the darkness that seemed to be edging towards her. A cold feeling ran down her spine, and her limbs felt heavy. The uncertainty of it all made her heart race erratically and the whispers and noises from the darkness became louder as she grew more and more frantic.
> 
> Touch it.
> 
> Fall into it.
> 
> Succumb.
> 
> It would be so easy.
> 
> Rey shook her head and forced herself to calm down. To close her eyes and take a deep breath. The whispers became more like white noise again, and she opened her eyes. To her surprise, the circle actually had been shrinking, the edges of it coming closer and closer.
> 
> "Okay…" she mumbled. "Now what?"

" _Hello?"_

_Rey heard her voice echo in the darkness that surrounded her. It was deep, menacing, and she couldn't see anything but black. She stayed still and silent, listening intently for any sounds, but no response to her shout met her ears. She took tentative steps backward, away from the looming blackness, unwilling to leave the only circle of faint light that brightened the space around her. Strange noises and whispers echoed from the darkness that seemed to be edging towards her. A cold feeling ran down her spine, and her limbs felt heavy. The uncertainty of it all made her heart race erratically and the whispers and noises from the darkness became louder as she grew more and more frantic._

Touch it.

Fall into it.

Succumb.

It would be _so easy._

 _Rey shook her head and forced herself to calm down. To close her eyes and take a deep breath. The whispers became more like white noise again, and she opened her eyes. To her surprise, the circle actually_ had _been shrinking, the edges of it coming closer and closer._

_"Okay…" she mumbled. "Now what?"_

_She tried backing further into the center of the circle, but found that there was less light behind her than there was in front. Beginning to panic again, she reminded herself that it only got worse if she riled herself up. She took a few more deep breaths; she had to stay calm. She had to figure out where she was. That's what she had to do before anything else._

_Well, that and figure out how to get out of her current terrifying situation._

_'There has to be a way to make this stop.'  
_

_An idea suddenly striking her, Rey stepped forward, lessening the distance between her and the darkness. She inched closer to the edge of the light, seeing if maybe it would falter if she got near enough. One foot in front of the other, she slowly grew closer to the immense blackness._

_A step forward._

_She refused to stop, even though the void seemed to be unwavering in its approach._

_Another step._

_She reached a tentative hand out, now a bit apprehensive as the edge crept toward her. Closer and closer it came, unyielding and intense. She stretched her hand out towards the blackness, trying to ward it away with her palm.  
_

_And another step._

_She was so close to it now, suddenly getting a strange urge to touch it. Feel it. She could sense the cold air beyond her small patch of light trying to sink into her very being. Still, closer it crept, sending shivers down her spine. Her fingers continued to get infuriatingly close but still had yet to touch the shadows._

_She took yet another step, her hand now reaching for the darkness earnestly._

_It was so close…so close…her fingertips just barely brushed it…the shadows coiling around her fingers..._

_"Don't!"_

_Rey jerked back from the edge like it had burned her, the chilly sensation it had been producing in the tips of her fingers now less than a memory. The darkness seemed to recoil at the shout, and any desire she'd had to touch it was now gone. She blinked and shook her head, forcing herself out of her trance. She was now alert, another presence having informed her of its proximity. Her ears honed in on a steady rhythmic sound; footsteps, echoing in the seemingly endless space around her._

_"Who was that? Who's there?"_

_Her head whipped around, eyes trying to find the source of the voice that had warned her. The footsteps stopped, almost as if the other presence wanted to hide itself._

_"Who are you?"_

_Nothing. She squinted, trying to see outside the circle of light that had, for the time being, come to halt. It was useless; the darkness was so heavy that nothing could be seen in it._

_"Please," she tried again. "I - I need your help. I don't know where I am, and I don't know how to leave..." she sighed, wringing her hands, "and I'm hoping you know how to help me."_

_The footsteps started again, but the sound didn't come any closer. It stayed in the same spot, as if the other presence was pacing._

_"Can you? Help me, I mean."_

_There was no response, verbal or otherwise. The steady footsteps stayed the same, not getting closer, but not getting farther away._

_"Can you not come here?" she continued, persisting in an attempt to elicit a response. "I guess I could try to come to you-"_

_"No. Don't come out here. You don't want to do that, believe me."  
_

_"Okay...so what should I do?"_

_Silence. Footsteps._

_Rey sighed, rolling her eyes. She had to get_ _this..._ something's _help_. _If the only way she was going to get a response was by potentially putting herself at risk, then she'd do what she had to._

 _She stepped out towards the darkness like she was actually considering traveling into it, and it had the desired effect. The footsteps came to an abrupt halt. "Have I not sufficiently reiterated to you the fact that touching this isn't something you want to do?_ Don't touch it. _I can't stress that enough."_

_"Well, if you'd respond when I talk, I wouldn't have to come and find you."_

_There was a pause, then,_ _"Touché."_

_Still, the voice did not answer any of her questions. The footsteps resumed, coming closer this time. Still not close enough for Rey to see the figure, but closer just the same. As soon as it deemed itself close enough, it started pacing again._

_"Will you_ please _tell me where I am?"_

"By the Maker _, you're impatient._ _You're dreaming, all right?"_

_Rey frowned. "Dreaming?"_

_"Did I stutter?"_

_She huffed. Why did this presence have such an attitude? What had_ she _done? "Well, you don't have to be rude about it."_

 _"Believe me,_ sweetheart _, this isn't me being rude."_

_Rey rolled her eyes. She folded her arms, shifting her weight from foot to foot. It was silent, the only sounds echoing around them being the slow, heavy footsteps._

_"So, how do I get out?"_

_Suddenly, they stopped._

_"It's a dream. Clearly, you don't leave until you wake up."_

_Choosing to ignore the rising levels of indecency, Rey cocked an eyebrow. "How do I wake up?"_

_There was a short pause, and Rey could imagine the body the voice belonged to gawking at her._

_"You wait, of course. What else? It'll happen eventually; you can't sleep forever."_

_Rey sighed. That hadn't been exactly what she'd wanted to hear. She had been hoping for a somewhat quicker fix. Of course, if she was only dreaming then nothing truly harmful could happen to her. She sat down on the floor, crossing her legs._

_"What are you doing?"_

_Rey looked in the general direction of the voice, rolling her eyes. "If I'm going to be here for awhile, I might as well get comfortable."_

_She looked around, though there wasn't exactly much to look at. The ground was soft and covered in grass, and Rey found it quite pleasant. If she hadn't already been sleeping, she would've curled up and done just that. She ran her hands through it, reveling in the soft tickle that it produced between her fingers. "So, who are you?" she asked, her eyes still trained on her fingers as they combed through the grass.  
_

_Everything came to a halt. The footsteps, the steady breathing, even the waves of calm that had seemed to wash over her. Rey sensed that she'd just found some pretty precarious territory._

_"Does it matter?"_

_Rey wasn't sure how she should answer the question. She decided to go for the truthful answer; odds were this person was just a figment of her subconscious. What could it possibly do? It's not like she could be harmed very effectively in a dream.  
_

_"Well, seeing as you're here in_ my _dream, I would say that, yes, it does matter."_

 _There was a low chuckle. It should have unnerved her, made her uncomfortable, but instead it made her even more curious. She raised her eyebrows, asking for a response when she received none. The presence sighed, resigned._ " _I don't think you really want to know who I am."_

_Rey shrugged. "If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have asked."_

_Another chuckle._

_"I'll tell you this much: you don't know me. Not really. Know_ of _me, maybe, but you don't know me."_

_That only brought up more questions in Rey's mind._

_"Okay. So, then I guess the next question might as well be, what exactly are you doing here,_ in my dream _, if I don't know you?"_

_"And just how do you know that I'm in your dream, and you're not in mine?"_

_Rey frowned. "So, you're a real person?"_

_"Yes, of course, I'm a real person."_

_"And you're dreaming, too?"_

_A pause. Rey waited in silence as the seconds passed, still without a response. "Well?"_

_"Right now, I'm not sure I_ am _dreaming. I'm usually alone in here. And it usually feels...different than it does right now. You see, I'm aware of where I am at this very moment. Mentally and physically. I can feel my sheets, my pillow, the wall beside my bed, and I'm cold. That isn't usually how this works."_

_"You've had this dream before?"_

_"It's the only dream I've ever had."_

_Rey leaned forward, her eyes widening in surprise._

_"The_ only one?"

 _"You keep repeating my words as if you can't quite hear, but I don't believe that I'm mumbling._ _Are you_ _hard-of-hearing?"_

_Rey glanced around again, once more ignoring the unnecessary insult. She decided that maybe there was a valid reason he was so averse, deflating when she realized how lonely this must have been. She could definitely sympathize; loneliness was no stranger to her. She unfolded her legs and lay back on the grass, folding her hands over her abdomen. A small circle of what seemed to be sky was visible above her, surrounded on all sides by the blackness that had engulfed the rest of the area. She studied the way it blurred the edge of the circle of sky._

_"What exactly_ is _that?"_

_"What exactly is what?"_

_Rey lifted one of her hands and waved it at the smudged circle._

_"That...dark cloud. What is it? Why wouldn't I want to touch it? I mean, aren't you out there?"_

_She rolled her head to face the direction that the voice was coming from, seeing if maybe they'd come out of the dark so she could see them. The figure was still too deep in the black to be seen._

_"Yes, and it's not pleasant. You have the same dream every night. You 'wake up' here and see that there's only a little area that's well lit. You panic, which only makes the already-small area even smaller, until eventually, you_ want _to touch it. Then, when you do...you see things. Horrible things."_

_The figure's previously pretentious demeanor seemed to melt away as its voice dropped._

_"Your biggest fears, your worst nightmares, horrors you'd never believe. Even now, after a lifetime of this dream, the things that I might see are horrifying."_

_"Well, if you know what happens when you touch it, why would you ever touch it again? It seems odd to me that it could happen more than once without you realizing it's something you never want to do."_

_"Do you think I'm stupid? Of course, I wouldn't ever_ choose _to touch it._ _You can't help it. After you figure out what happens, you become afraid of it, which only makes it shrink in on you faster. And the urge to touch it is unexplainable. It's like, even though you know you shouldn't touch it, you want to anyway. Mostly because you know you shouldn't."_

 _"So, even though you_ know _you probably shouldn't touch it, you do anyway."_

 _"That, or it touches_ you _."_

_Rey shuddered. She wondered what kind of things you could possibly see. How bad could it really be? She supposed for some people it might be awful; some people were afraid of everything. But for someone like her, who'd had almost no time to even consider being afraid in her life, what could they possibly show to her? Not to say that she wasn't afraid of anything, because she certainly was, but there weren't a great many things on the list. Not that she'd had time to be aware of anyway.  
_

_She sat up suddenly, propping herself up on her hands, her brows furrowing._

_"How can you stand to be out there in it? I mean, aren't you seeing those terrible things right now? But you aren't reacting to them at all. Not that I can tell, anyway."_

_The pacing resumed, and Rey almost rolled her eyes, expecting no response. But she was surprised to receive one._

_"If you don't resist the nightmare, if you go to it knowing what's there, but doing it anyway, they don't appear. The fear is still present; right now...I'm terrified. But I don't have to see what it is that terrifies me, and that makes things much easier to deal with. Much easier to control."_

_Rey scoffed. "Forgive me for saying this, but you're saying that instead of staying in here, where it's safe, you'd rather just jump in and be afraid? You don't even want to fight it? Try and find a way to get out without having to be afraid?"_

_"I've been having this dream for years, and_ never _have I been able to do what you've done tonight._ There's no other way out. _You have to let it take you. I'd rather be constantly afraid than be shown what it is I'm afraid of. It's a little less weakening."_

_"So you just give up?"_

_"Now,_ _I wouldn't call it that-"_

_"You are. You're giving up."_

_"Look,_ girl _, you've had this dream, what? One time? In a month, you tell me how easy it is to resist this. How easy it is to fight it off. Eventually, you'll get weak. Tired. Weary. You'll get sick of fighting. Then, if you're still somehow managing to fight it, you can come and lecture me about giving up."_

_Rey was silent for a few moments. She folded her arms over her chest, giving his comments some thought. It was, she supposed, easy to see why he would've given in. But she knew all about fighting. Knew all about hoping that all this fighting and waiting and surviving wasn't in vain. And she hadn't given up, yet. Still, she felt bad about being so harsh._

_"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so...brazen."_

_She waited but got no response. Not even footsteps. There was nothing; no breathing, no shuffling, no sign that there was anyone else in the space. Her heart sped up._

_"Hello?"_

_Nothing._

_She flew to her feet, panic gripping her yet again at the prospect of being alone. Much to her dismay, this panic caused the darkness to creep in closer; whoever it was that had just left her was correct._

_"He said to leave, you have to wake up. So, wake up. Come on, Rey. Wake up._ Wake up. _Wake up!"_

Rey's eyes flew open. She sat upright, gulping down air. Scrambling to her feet, she looked around. It was still dark, but Rey knew she wasn't dreaming anymore. She was back in her spot on the cliff, but it was nighttime now. Everything was still and calm, even the water seeming to have gone to sleep with the sun. It was late, definitely hours after Rey had run here, and Luke didn't have a clue where she was. She'd never run off like that, and she'd certainly never stayed out past sunset unless she'd been given express permission by her master. Luke was probably worried sick. He was going to _kill_ her.

She sighed, starting back down towards their huts. As she picked her way around rocks and pebbles, careful not to make too much noise in case there was anything - or _anyone_ , she thought, shuddering - listening, she thought of what she could possibly say to Luke to explain this. Was it finally time to tell him the truth? She didn't know. She still didn't really want to, but if it was affecting her this much, maybe it was time to let somebody know.

But what could she possibly say? _"I'm sorry I ran off. It was only because of a secret that I've been keeping from you for a very long time, and I'm only telling you now because I feel I have to give an explanation for my behavior._ " That _certainly_ wouldn't sour his mood further. If he knew that she'd been keeping secrets, he probably wouldn't trust her anymore. That would definitely not be a good thing. She decided not to say anything. At least not for right now. Maybe they'd eventually go away.

She stopped short, putting a hand to her forehead. This was crazy. Absolutely insane. All of it; the flashes, the dreams, _the fact that she still wasn't going to tell Luke._ That was even crazier than the flashes themselves. Any person with a brain would probably have told him immediately, but, for some reason, Rey couldn't bring herself to do it. To be honest, she was scared. Of the answers she would get to her questions, of his reaction to what she told him, of what it would mean for her future. She felt sick to her stomach whenever she thought about it. So, she'd just have to make something up, and hope that Luke would believe it. And if he didn't...well, she'd just have to make up something else.

She continued her trek to their huts, eventually making it back to hers. She stopped outside her door, taking a deep breath before walking inside. As she expected, Luke was sitting inside waiting for her. It was silent for several painfully long moments, but Rey knew that Luke was aware of her arrival. Rey opened her mouth to say something several times, each time shutting it quickly. She waited for him to say something; scold her, question her, even tell her that this wasn't going to work out and that she should pack up and leave. But he didn't. He didn't say a word.

Finally, when the silence seemed to be crushing her, Rey said something to break it.

"Master Luke, I..." she trailed off, unsure of what exactly she'd been planning on saying.

Luke stood and turned to look at her, sparing her the need for words. She shut her mouth again, shifting her weight uncomfortably. The disappointment glinting in his eyes was unmistakable, but so was the relief in his face. Rey didn't know which made her feel worse.

"Rey, is there something you need to tell me? Something you need to get off your chest?"

She found she suddenly couldn't meet his eyes. She stared down at her feet, fumbling with her belt. Should she tell him? He didn't seem quite as angry as he seemed concerned, and he would probably want to know. She gnawed at the inside of her lip, trying to sort through the pros and cons of each decision. Despite her seeing many more pros to telling him than to not, one thing stood out among everything else.

_She was scared of what would happen if she told him._

That alone was enough to get her to keep her mouth shut for the time being. Looking back up at Luke, she smiled apologetically, like her outburst had been simply that; a childish, random, unnecessary outburst.

"I, uh...I'm really sorry," she started. "You know, about earlier. I've just been really moody lately."

Understatement of the millennium.

When Luke opened his mouth to say something more, Rey continued, "I think I'm just tired. Stressed, maybe. I'll be fine. Really, I will. I'm sure I'll get over it."

She watched as Luke brought a hand up and massaged the bridge of his nose with his index finger and his thumb. He sighed and Rey swallowed hard, afraid that he'd know she was lying through her teeth. She shifted her weight again, the tension in the air tangible. Luke brought his hand down and surveyed her, his eyes searching for a clue as to what might be the problem.

"You know, you can tell me anything, Rey. I can try and help you with whatever is bothering you."

Rey nodded. "Yes, of course. If I feel that anything's wrong, you will be the first person to know." She brought her hand behind her back, crossing her fingers. "I promise."

Luke pursed his lips, continuing to stare at her, and Rey was certain he didn't believe a word she was saying. She held her breath, ready for him to demand that she tell him the truth. But he didn't. He simply nodded back at her, crossing the room. Maybe he didn't believe her, but he wasn't going to press her about it. At least, not right now. If she was lucky, he wouldn't _ever_ say anything about it; not until Rey did.

Luke stopped in the doorway, turning his head to look at Rey out of the corner of his eye. "You do understand that this running away will not be acceptable? I don't want this becoming a frequent event."

Though Rey knew his request was serious, she also knew he was making an attempt at humor and lightheartedness. The twinkle in his eyes and the smile on his face advertised as much. She granted him a tentative smile back. "Absolutely, Master Luke."

He turned again, pulling up his hood before walking out the door. Rey deflated as soon as he was out of her line of sight. Every muscle in her body relaxed as she trudged toward her bed, the weight of Luke's possible reaction leaving her shoulders. Even though she'd just woken up, she found that she was exhausted. She stripped down to her loose undershirt and her pants, unhooking her lightsaber from her belt and setting it on her small bedside table. Tugging her hair out of its half-knot, she slid into bed, welcoming the warmth of her blanket as she curled up underneath it.

What a day she'd had. She hoped that it'd be much easier tomorrow. This day had certainly worn her out. Despite her exhaustion, though, Rey tossed and turned for quite a long time, revisiting the dream she'd had. It'd been a very strange dream, indeed. Very vivid, very unnerving, vaguely familiar. She could still remember the feel of the grass between her fingers. Feel the cool air from the dark shadows. It had been so vivid, in fact, that for a moment, Rey considered the possibility of it being real. Maybe there actually _was_ someone she'd shared a dream with. Maybe she'd actually been mentally transported somewhere else. Maybe the Force had something to do with it.

'Wait a minute, Rey. Slow down,' she stopped herself. 'This is crazy. There's no way. Your dream was _not_ real. It was just a dream. _A dream_.'

Still, as she rolled over to fall asleep at last, she wondered if she'd have that dream again. If it would be in the same place, with the same shadows. If she'd feel the same cool air, sit in the same soft grass.

'No, Rey. Of course you won't. It was only a dream, and the odds of you having one as incredibly strange as that one _twice_ in a row is very improbable.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two! I'm honestly so proud of myself, I didn't think that I'd be able to write this fast. Anyway, we'll have Kylo's POV next chapter, and I've already written a good chunk of that, so it'll probably be up some time next week. I make no promises. Don't hold me to it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo had grown up around those who had fought in the Rebellion. He’d sat around a table with his family and others who’d fought with them and he'd listened to their horror stories and anecdotes of war. He’d lost count of the times he’d heard about how his own uncle had fired the very shot that had destroyed the first Death Star. Kylo heard these stories countless times, and in every one, much to his mother’s chagrin, he heard that people died. Sometimes few, sometimes multitudinous numbers. But for the many victory stories he heard, the death was usually directly at the hands of a Rebellion fighter. An assassination, an act of sabotage, a death the result of information traded by a spy. Trust was betrayed, lives were lost, and still the war raged on. As a child, these stories seemed amazingly wonderful and filled with adventures little boys could only dream of. Now that Kylo had seen the true horrors of war, however, he realized how bloody those stories truly were. The heroic acts that resulted in Imperial deaths were just as terrifying as the so-called tragic acts committed by Imperial officers that resulted in Rebellion deaths. The acts were only tragic or heroic if you were on a certain side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh...so...I'm a little more than a little late putting this up, huh? I tried, I really did, but every time I sat down to write, it felt like I was hitting a brick wall because I didn't have a clue what to do. But it's here now! Woo! Enjoy!

Kylo sat up quickly, running a hand through his hair. It seemed that almost no time had passed since he'd lain down to sleep, and he glanced at the chronometer by the side of his bed, unsurprised by the measly few minutes that had passed. He could feel himself letting his guard down as the realization that it had only been a dream sank in. It had seemed very real, yes. But it had been just like every other dream he'd ever had. Almost.

That scavenger had shown up. Sure, this had happened before; she'd show up, appearing as the fiery warrior that had brought him to his knees that night on Starkiller, and she'd never say anything more than a few hateful words. It was one of the ways Snoke was conditioning - no, _training_ \- him to hate her. To want to triumph over her, and everything she stood for. The Resistance, the Jedi, the _Light_. But, that scavenger had never before acted the way she had in his most recent dream. No, she hadn't been pleasant, by any means. She'd been awful; annoyingly optimistic, naive, and she was terrible company. But, she hadn't appeared frightening or fierce. She hadn't really been intimidating in the slightest. In fact, she seemed vulnerable, and curious, and almost...scared. But she hadn't acted in a way that he'd ever seen her act before. Even when she'd been imprisoned, she'd been defiant and headstrong. But this, he suspected, might have been who she was underneath her dauntless façade.

Kylo decided to push it to the back of his mind for now. As far as he knew, it was just another way Snoke was training him. He just hoped it hadn't been a test. If it had been, he'd certainly failed. Snoke would not have been pleased with his reactions to the situation. His reactions to the girl.

He groaned and flopped back down on the bed. What had he been thinking? He should've let her touch the Shadow. Should've let her be drawn to the darkness. Isn't that what Snoke wanted? Isn't that what _he_ was supposed to want? To gain numbers? Especially Force-sensitive numbers? But something in him had possessed him for just enough time that he'd helped her. Real scavenger or otherwise, this couldn't possibly be tolerated. By Snoke or himself.  Even the smallest mistake on Kylo’s part could mean catastrophic consequences, and that scavenger could certainly present a distraction. Any distraction was invitation for a mistake. The scavenger either had to be brought to his side, or eliminated from the equation entirely, by order of Snoke.

But what about _his_ order? What about what he thought would be best? Kylo had always followed Snoke’s orders regardless of his personal opinions or feelings, thinking that surely they were the best course of action. But were they? What if they weren’t? What if Kylo believed a decision required him to follow his own personal judgement over his orders?

‘You’d still follow orders, of course. What else? You’ve said yourself, the Supreme Leader is wise. He knows the best course of action, and you will do as he says if you want to succeed.’

But was the scavenger not doing exactly as he was? Was she not following down the path she believed to be right, albeit somewhat blindly? Was she not fighting for what she believed, regardless of the cost? Maybe she thought herself on the moral high ground, but the Resistance could not by any means claim to be morally pure. Not if they were to acknowledge the fact that all of their victories were directly influenced by the number of Order casualties. You could argue that the Order valued their wins and losses on the same principle, having killed thousands, even millions to win battles waged in the war. But the Order knew that they were not completely clean. If you were in a war, you simply couldn’t be. That was just the way that war unfolded. Many lives, even those that are innocent, are lost.

Kylo had grown up around those who had fought in the Rebellion. He’d sat around a table with his family and others who’d fought with them, and he'd listened to their horror stories and anecdotes of war. He’d lost count of the times he’d heard about how his own uncle had fired the very shot that had destroyed the first Death Star. Kylo heard these stories countless times, and in every one, much to his mother’s chagrin, he heard that people died. Sometimes few, sometimes multitudinous numbers. But for the many victory stories he heard, the death was usually directly at the hands of a Rebellion fighter. An assassination, an act of sabotage, a death the result of information traded by a spy. Trust was betrayed, lives were lost, and still the war raged on. As a child, these stories seemed amazingly wonderful and filled with adventures little boys could only dream of. Now that Kylo had seen the true horrors of war, however, he realized how bloody those stories truly were. The heroic acts that resulted in Imperial deaths were just as terrifying as the so-called tragic acts committed by Imperial officers that resulted in Rebellion deaths. The acts were only tragic or heroic if you were on a certain side. Worst of all, these acts hadn’t been committed by faraway people you heard about in myths and legends; these were horrors witnessed and committed by people he knew, people he was related to by _blood_. Early on in his life, Kylo had learned that when you fought in a war, you could not win without dirtying your hands. His own parents had not come from that war clean. Now they were fighting another.

With his _mother_ leading the charge, the Resistance surely used something similar to Rebellion tactics, if not the exact same. Kylo saw many parallels between the Rebellion methods he’d heard about in his childhood and the methods he himself was using now. The Resistance had no business saying that their means were any different. Maybe they could argue that the Order had gone to greater extremes to accomplish their goals, but they were driven to achieve those goals with perhaps a greater passion than the Resistance, causing them to use whatever means necessary. Kylo had to admit, some of the things done by the Order had in the beginning shocked even him, and even their recent attack on the Hosnian System had rattled him slightly. But if they wanted to win, they had to go to extremes. And surely if they were as passionate to achieve their goals as they were, they couldn’t be wrong. Could they?

No. The only reason Kylo’s family considered him to be in the wrong was because they were blind. Misguided. _Weak_ . They saw only the downfalls of the path he was taking, and not how he and the rest of the galaxy could benefit from it. Every time he felt guilty about the murd- _death_ of his father, he simply reminded himself that it had needed to be done. He’d followed the orders that he’d been given, which were: Let no one stand in your way. If they do, destroy them. If his family refused to see reason, they would have to be removed from his path.

‘And,’ Kylo decided, ‘if I can remove my own flesh and blood, I can certainly remove an inconsequential scavenger.’

If he’d been testing Kylo, Snoke had nothing to worry about in terms of the scavenger. If it came to it, removing her is exactly what he’d do.

Right?

* * *

 

“If you are _moved_ by the weakness and pleading of those you are intimidating, you will not succeed in gaining any power over them. You must lose any and all feeling for those that you have captured. You must not be weak.”

Kylo nodded, anxiety causing his chest to tighten and his stomach to turn. The cold, damp air of the training room caused him to shiver, the ominous atmosphere that had just surfaced making the air even chillier. Snoke’s giant hologram sat in front of him, dark and menacing, leaning forward slightly in his chair. The hair on the back of Kylo’s neck stood on end; his master’s posture and overall demeanor told Kylo all he needed to know. If he knew his master at all, he knew exactly what was coming next, and he tensed, bracing himself. His breath hitched in spite of himself as Snoke raised a gnarled grey hand, curling and stretching his fingers as an all too familiar ache sprouted in the back of Kylo’s head. Kylo hissed, sucking in a breath through his teeth. The ache inched its way towards his hairline, causing his temples to throb. He ground his teeth, fighting back a grunt of discomfort.

_No weakness._

“As long as I am uncertain about how...unnecessarily lenient you could be towards those who show weakness, I’ll make sure you understand that _I_ will show no leniency in the face of weakness.”

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to welcome the pain as it changed from a dull ache to a sharp burn, the pressure behind his eyes beginning to feel like claws scraping at the inside of his skull. Vertigo washed over him in waves, making it difficult for him to stay on his own two feet. He staggered, fumbling his way around the training room until his back hit a wall. Suddenly, all the air was knocked from his lungs and a bright flash forced his eyes open.

_He was home. It was late afternoon, a lazy breeze causing goosebumps to form up and down his arms. The sun was still fairly high in the sky, but it had certainly started its descent. You could hear the loud noises from the center of the city in the distance. He was running, breathing hard, covered in dirt. His cheeks were flushed and sweat dampened his curls. His mother was at the door waiting for him, her smile reflecting his wide grin perfectly. He barreled up their back steps towards her, flinging his arms out to wrap them around her waist. She opened her own arms wide, engulfing him in a hug when he reached her. He giggled, his short legs kicking in the air as she picked him up and spun him around, laughing into his hair. When she set him down, she knelt down to be face to face with him. She licked the pad of her thumb and brought it up to swipe at the dirt streaking his cheeks._

_“It’s good to see that you were having fun, little angel. But it’s time for lunch.”_

_“Okay, Mama,” he said as she stood up, ruffling his hair._

_She picked him up again and he looked around for a moment. “Where’s Daddy?”_

_He looked back at his mother and suddenly her face darkened and began to change as he watched. It aged and hardened, pure, cold hatred intense behind her eyes. The kind and loving face of his mother had morphed into the crazed face of someone absolutely destroyed by their own grief. The arms that had been wrapped lovingly around him tightened painfully, fingers curling around the fabric of his shirt, their fingernails digging into the skin of his back._

_The location changed; he now found himself standing in the middle of a city in chaos. People ran in every direction, slamming into him left and right without even acknowledging that they’d hit anything in their path. Rubble lay in piles around him, some on fire, others already reduced to ash. Thunder rolled through the air around him and wind whipped through his robes. Rain poured over them, plastering his hair to his face and making his clothing heavy. Lightning flashed, illuminating the haunting face of his mother._

_“You...you killed him!_ Murdered _him! Took him from me!”_

_His heart started racing, his breathing becoming less controlled. His mother pulled at his shirt frantically, her eyes wild._

_“I’ll never see him again! It’s all your fault!”_

_Kylo found himself shaking his head, though he knew the accusations she was making to be more than true. Her grip continued tightening, and Kylo struggled to breathe at all. He grabbed her arms in an attempt to both pry her off of him and steady himself. But as soon as he touched her, he discovered he didn’t need to move her arms off of him. She loosened her grip of her own accord. In fact, her arms went entirely slack. But that wasn’t what bothered Kylo the most._

_It was the look in her eyes._

_Lost. Almost completely checked out. Sad._ Empty _._

_“I thought you were my son…” she whispered, almost more to herself than Kylo, “but you’re nothing more than a monster. I should’ve known. I guess I always have-”_

_“No. N-no, Mom, no-”_

_“Goodbye, Ben.”_

_He opened his mouth to protest again, thinking she was just going to vanish, disappear, but a searing pain in his midsection caused him to glance down. He gawked at the beam of blue plasma his mother had driven through his stomach, then stared back up at her. She ripped it out, and he watched her even as he collapsed, but her face showed no remorse, showed no emotion at all._

_“Mom…” he choked, “no,_ please _, please don’t..._ Mom _…”_

_She threw the extinguished lightsaber to the ground and turned to walk away. Kylo didn’t have another chance to call out before everything faded to black._

Kylo sucked down air, struggling to gather his bearings as the episode passed. Sweat made his face and neck sticky and he was sure that if he tried to stand, his knees would give way. He drew in as many deep breaths as his tired lungs would allow as he fought his way from a heap to his hands and knees. He coughed and gagged several times, relieved to feel the pain in his head beginning to recede. His stomach still churned, and though he knew Snoke was finished with his lesson, anxiety and fear still ate at him.

“I trust that you are beginning to learn the downfalls of weakness,” his master’s gravelly voice intoned.

Kylo couldn’t even respond for fear that he’d throw up. He trusted that his clear signs of discomfort and pain would be answer enough. The room spun, and a new wave of nausea hit him.

“You have half a standard hour to recover your dismal self, and we will continue this lesson when that time is up.”

The holoprojection flickered and disappeared, darkening the already dim space. Kylo managed to drag himself to the side of the room, turning to lean his back against the wall. He blinked hard, licking his lips. His throat was raw, his lips dry and cracked; he must have been screaming. His head was pounding, his heart was racing, and the room surrounding him swam in his vision. He just needed two seconds of rest.

Leaning his head against the wall, he closed his eyes, attempting, at least, to regulate his breathing. Suddenly, another bright flash behind his eyelids caused him to flinch, his eyes flying open. He wasn’t in the training room anymore, he realized. In fact, he wasn’t on the ship at all. He was on a cool, breezy planet. His stomach dropped. Surely Snoke hadn’t already started his next lesson? Though, it wouldn’t have surprised Kylo; at the very beginning of his training, Snoke had sent him through vision after vision in quick succession, not stopping for longer than a few seconds at a time before sending him through another round of mental torture. Only when he’d been completely convinced of Kylo’s allegiance had he become more lenient.

Kylo stood slowly, blinking against the brightness of this planet’s sun, sharp in contrast to the dingy training room he last remembered being in. He saw nothing that signaled another nightmarish circumstance, so he began walking. Was this not another of Snoke’s visions? Was this _real_ ? This couldn’t possibly be the planet Snoke had chosen to migrate to to complete Kylo’s training. In fact, Kylo had understood that he was to be brought to another _ship_ to meet with Snoke as he preferred to stay in motion. And if this had been the place, why had everyone just left him alone? Had he fallen asleep? If he had, a punishment was certainly coming his way.

His head began to throb again, his sensitivity to the light causing his previously fading headache to worsen. His stomach churned at the sudden increase of pain, and everything went fuzzy for a moment before he forced himself to regain his bearings. While the pain was bad, it wasn’t the worst he’d ever had to endure, and if Snoke was already going to punish him for falling asleep and missing the remainder of his lesson, Kylo wasn’t going to anger his master further by showing weakness. He just needed to find everyone.

A sharp cry of pain caught his attention, and his head whipped toward the sound. His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates; the scavenger was right in front of him, on her hands and knees, one palm to her forehead. Kylo furrowed his brow, incredibly confused. What was she doing here? Had Snoke brought her? Kidnapped her? Maybe even convinced her to join them? He took a step toward her before he even realized what he was doing, curiosity overpowering him. Slowly, he stooped down, reaching a tentative hand out. His fingers grazed her shoulder…

...except they didn’t.

His fingertips went right _through_ her. If Kylo hadn’t seen it with his own two eyes, he wouldn’t have believed it. He tried again to prod her shoulder, but again, his fingertips swept through her, almost as if she were nothing more than a hologram. Deciding to be adventurous, he took his entire palm and placed it in the small of her back. Passed directly through.

“ _What in the name of-_ ”

The scavenger gasped, turning her head in his direction. Kylo held his breath, terrified of what her reaction would be, but she said nothing. She stared directly at him, her eyes wide, but they seemed to be looking _through_ him. When he noticed her eyes visibly searching for the source of his voice, he realized she couldn’t see him.

_What was going on?_

“I’m hearing _voices_ , now? I _am_ going crazy…” she breathed.

She went to her knees, wrapping her arms around her torso. She looked incredibly pale and she was trembling. He watched as she moved a shaky hand up to brush her hair behind her ear, still watching for the source of the voice she’d heard earlier.

“C’mon…” she whispered, “there’s got to be _someone_ out there. This can’t all be in my head. Please.”

Kylo tried to quell the anger that filled him at seeing this _girl_ , but just like before in his dream, he couldn’t ignore the sympathy for the pathetic creature welling up in him as well. He wanted to be able to stomp that out, but no matter how hard he tried, he found he couldn’t do it. He couldn't stop feeling sorry for her.

That's when it clicked with him; this couldn’t actually be happening. Maybe he _had_ actually fallen asleep and Snoke had started the lesson without waking him up. It was another test, just like the one he'd been given the night before. It had to be.

Kylo wouldn't fail this one.

‘No weakness. No sympathy. No _compassion_.’ The words came to him almost instantly, effortlessly, drilled into his brain by years of training. ‘Only hatred. And strength. And power.’

His resolve came very close to crumbling when he heard a soft sigh from the scavenger, almost a whimper. Her eyes were glassy and she looked on the verge of tears. Snoke was making it harder for him. He'd rise to the occasion.

‘Walk away, Kylo. If you want to pass this test, turn around, and walk away.’

So he did. He turned and stalked off without even a glance back in her direction. After all, that's exactly what Snoke wanted from him.

It was hard to ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach that insisted he should have _done_ something.

As soon as he deemed himself far enough from her - meaning, he couldn't see her glassy eyes or hear her pleading - he perched himself on a rock and waited for the nauseatingly familiar feeling of the air being sucked from his lungs. After several minutes of waiting, however, he began to wonder why Snoke hadn't pulled him back yet. Had he not completed his task? He wasn't supposed to... _kill_ her, was he? Maybe he was. He'd made that promise to himself the night before; maybe here was where Snoke determined whether or not he intended to keep that promise. But how was he supposed to finish her off when he couldn't even touch her? And...what if he couldn't bring himself to do it?

He threw his head back, suppressing a groan. This was exhausting, and the fact that he couldn't sleep even when he needed to certainly wasn't helping things. He just needed a _break_.

‘Close your eyes, just for a second…just one little teeny second; nobody will even know. Close your eyes and try to forget everything. Just for a minute...it won't even be a noticeable minute-’

The moment he closed his eyes, there was a bright flash and the air was ripped from his lungs. He'd finally been sucked back to reality. The dingy training room was once again the sight that met his eyes when he opened them, but he was alone. Snoke wasn't anywhere in sight. In fact, there wasn't _anyone_ within reasonable distance. Everything was just the way it had been when he'd left. How?

He pushed himself off the wall and staggered to his feet, fighting off the last of the dizziness and nausea. This was crazy. Something odd was going on, and he was determined to find out what. And if the chronometer on the wall was any indication, he had thirty standard minutes to start looking.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exhaustion was setting in. The pressure behind Rey’s eyes and the ache in her arms and legs told her as much. Luke had been working her tirelessly for the past several weeks, often starting training before the sun rose and finishing it long after it had gone to rest below the rocky outcrops of the island. To make things even more stressful, her condition, for lack of a better term was beginning to worsen. She was sick and tired of having all these random episodes. She’d even heard voices the other day. They were getting more frequent and more upsetting every day that went by. She wanted to have just one day, one, where nothing happened. All of these “out of the ordinary” events were beginning to occur so periodically, they were almost becoming ordinary. The one thing that surprised her was that she hadn’t had another dream like the one she’d had all those weeks ago. She’d expected another one any day now, even prepared herself for one every night as she lay down to sleep, but it hadn’t come. This fact did not disappoint her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? An UPDATE? IT CAN'T BE! Oh, but it is. 
> 
> I'm so sorry, I know it's been well over a month. For some reason, this chapter was a bear to write. I'm hoping it won't usually take this long to update. Anyway, enjoy your incredibly late chapter!

Exhaustion was setting in. The pressure behind Rey's eyes and the ache in her arms and legs told her as much. Luke had been working her tirelessly for the past several weeks, often starting training before the sun rose and finishing it long after it had gone to rest below the rocky outcrops of the island. To make things even more stressful, her condition, for lack of a better term was beginning to worsen. She was sick and tired of having all these random episodes. She'd even heard voices the other day. They were getting more frequent and more upsetting every day that went by. She wanted to have just one day,  _ one _ , where nothing happened. All of these "out of the ordinary" events were beginning to occur so periodically, they were almost becoming  _ ordinary _ . The one thing that surprised her was that she hadn't had another dream like the one she'd had all those weeks ago. She'd expected another one any day now, even prepared herself for one every night as she lay down to sleep, but it hadn't come. This fact did not disappoint her.

Against her better judgment, she still had not told her master about these occurrences, but their relationship as of late had not really allowed her to. He seemed reserved, even more so than normal. Rey would even go as far as to say he was being  _ standoffish _ . She didn't know what exactly had caused the sudden shift in mood, she couldn't even tell if it could be traced back to one particular point in time, she simply knew she wasn't able to communicate with her master in the way she'd been able to previously. The fragile understanding they'd once had was no more, it seemed to her. She found that whenever she spoke to him, he seemed far away if he even acknowledged her at all. He might as well have been on another planet. He was more cross than usual, quicker to anger than Rey had ever known him to be, though this wasn't really saying much; she hadn't known him but a few months. The only way she knew him previously was from stories about the young Skywalker who'd fought with tenacity and vigor in a valiant fight against the Empire. She'd heard about the noble war hero who'd worked with his sister and a smuggler to destroy not just one, but two of the Empire's largest weapons, and eventually take down the Emperor himself. She'd heard about the hopeful Jedi who'd been determined to revive the Jedi Order with the number of young Force-sensitives he'd amassed from around the galaxy, including his own nephew. But she couldn't say she'd ever heard stories about him losing hope and giving up, which appeared to be his MO recently. She'd never listened with rapt attention as soldiers regaled their friends with stories about how the great Luke Skywalker had become angry and uncooperative because a mission had gone south. Not to say that it hadn't ever happened; Luke may have been a legend, but he was still human. Everyone got down on themselves every once in awhile, especially when surrounded by the tragedies of war. But when she was so accustomed to seeing someone portrayed as a hero and a saint, a beacon of hope who always had a plan, and then was met with...this? She could safely say this was definitely a bit of a letdown.

"Back straighter, Rey."

Rey fought the urge to roll her eyes. She huffed and stiffened her posture.

"You can't move from your stance effectively if you're stiff as a rod. Loosen up."

Again, she bit back a retort and did as she was told.

Going through the motions of her agonizingly repetitive training had become nothing short of mundane recently. Luke seemed to be putting less and less effort into her training with every day that passed, and any cooperative attitude that they'd managed to develop had dissolved completely. Even though he'd been hesitant to train her, at first, he'd eventually been convinced and had, at the very least, put some effort into her training, despite his obvious displeasure with the idea of training yet another Force user. Now, however, he'd lost all interest, all motivation, all desire to train, and he was making no effort to mask that fact.

Behind her, she heard her master make a dissatisfied sound, and she tried to shift to fix whatever minuscule error he'd uncovered. He sighed at her attempt. "Forget it, Rey. You're clearly not up to it today. We'll try again tomorrow when, hopefully, your attitude will have improved. Make sure you sleep."

The sound of his retreating footsteps caused something in Rey to snap. She whirled around, throwing the staff she'd had clenched tightly in her fists to the ground. "When  _ my _ attitude has improved?  _ When _ my  _ attitude has improved? _ "

Luke froze, tensing. Rey hardly noticed; she plowed on.

"My attitude is perfectly fine, thank you. I  _ want _ to be here. I  _ want _ to learn; I need to. It's  _ your _ attitude that's been rather deplorable lately," she spat.

Luke turned to face her, disbelief etched on his features. He opened his mouth, likely to scold her, but Rey beat him to the punch.

"Don't think I haven't noticed your unwillingness to be here! You've made it quite obvious! And I'm sorry that my very presence here makes your skin crawl, but I  _ need _ this. The  _ galaxy _ needs this. So, what've I done? Please, enlighten me. I'd be happy to fix whatever mistake I've made to make you feel this way."

Luke looked stunned, at a loss for words, before he finally composed himself. He drew up to his full height, his face contorting slightly in anger. "I - I don't have any idea what you're talking about; I've never-"

" _ You don't know what I'm talking about? _ So...what? You've just been ignoring me for no reason, is that it? Don't pretend like you haven't been distant lately; it's like we're on completely different planets. You've been shutting me out, talking to me less and less every single day for  _ weeks! _ You've been unresponsive, uncaring, and alienating, and I'd just like to know what I've done to make you this way, because I certainly can't give myself a reason why."

Luke advanced towards her, fire seeming to blaze behind his eyes, though his face was relatively calm. "That is no way to talk to me, young lady, and I will not have it."

He wasn't yelling, not even raising his voice. He didn't have to. He had the ability to be intense and menacing without doing so.

_ Much like someone else Rey knew. _ It must've been a family trait.

In Rey's opinion, Luke's quiet fury was much worse than when he exploded in anger. When he was quiet and seemed to be put together, you knew he was holding back what he truly felt. Bottling it up and hiding it, as was the Jedi way. But though you knew it was great, you could never fully know the extent of this rage. And few people were willing to be subject to the unknown.

Rey was one of the very few who found they didn't care. Any fire he had, she could certainly match with her own.

"Of course, you aren't," she hissed. "You aren't having anything I do anymore. I can't meditate correctly, I can't hold a stance correctly, kriff, I can't even  _ talk _ correctly, according to you. You're right; everything I do is wrong. And if it's wrong, you won't have it. You won't have  _ me. _ So fine, I'll leave. At least, I'm assuming that's what you want, right? With you cutting me off and all-"

"You...will do nothing of the sort," he said, the strain in his voice unmistakable as he swallowed the ire Rey could sense rising in him. "You will go back to your quarters immediately. You will go to bed for the night, and tomorrow we will discuss this calmly, as adults."

Rey scoffed indignantly, opening her mouth to object, but Luke pointed in the direction of their huts. "Go. Now."

Rey saw red. Sure, they would "talk about it tomorrow." She even knew exactly how the "conversation" would go. Luke would scold her, tell her that she needed to let go of the anger she felt, and she wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise so they could talk about what the _ real _ issue was. The discussion would result only in exacerbating the problem that had caused the dispute. Luke would do what he seemed to do best; sweep it under the rug and ignore it.

'Wonder if that's what turned his nephew,' she thought venomously.

Shocked, she stopped that train of thought right away. She had to stop thinking like that. She would not come anywhere close to sympathizing with that creature. Not if she wanted to have any respect for herself.

She bowed curtly to her master before spinning on her heel and stalking off, using every bit of self-control she possessed not to do or say something she'd regret later. The walk back to her hut was a long one, but she was glad that she managed to get back to her quarters without an incident occurring. However, once she was inside, she let herself do whatever she deemed a release. She flung her satchel off first, tossing it to the side, the thud it made when it hit the wall satisfying to hear. But it wasn't enough to sate her anger, wasn't enough to drag the frustration she felt out of her. She wanted to do damage. She kicked over her only table, hit at her wall, even yelled as loud as she could, anything she could think to yell. Nothing was enough. Frustrated, she yanked the pillow and blanket off her cot and balled the sheet up in her fists, twisting it around her hands in an attempt to rein herself in until it was so tight she was afraid it'd tear; she was angry, but not angry enough that she was willing to freeze. She unwound the sheets and threw them down, too, grinding her boot into the bedding until she collapsed into it, balling the material up in her fists. Tears welled up in her eyes, tears of anger and frustration, but she forced them back, refusing to give in to that frustration any more than she already had. She wouldn't completely surrender to her negative emotions just yet.

After taking several deep breaths to center herself, she stood up. She had enough sense to be ashamed of her actions as the anger faded away, but instead of dwelling on it, she began picking up the mess she'd made. She returned the bedding back to her bed first, moving to right the table she'd overturned soon after. When she'd straightened up her living space to her satisfaction, she pulled off all her outer layers and curled up under her blanket, attempting to calm herself enough to sleep. She rolled over, facing her wall, tracing the cracks in it with her gaze, hoping the patterns would lull her into unconsciousness. Seconds passed, then minutes, then almost an hour, and Rey wasn't any sleepier than she had been when she'd returned back from training.

Just as she was about to sit up and try meditating herself into a calm enough state to sleep, the door to her hut opened. She stiffened before realizing that it was probably Luke, and if she was to avoid his relentless questioning and quite possibly another blowout, she'd need to appear asleep. She relaxed and closed her eyes, evening out her breathing and praying to the Force that he'd see she wasn't responsive and leave.

"Rey?"

His whisper was barely audible, but Rey could hear a twinge of...guilt? He sounded almost apologetic, on top of being incredibly weary. Maybe she could turn around and answer him. Maybe they could actually talk this through now that they were both relatively calm. Maybe they could finally get over this... _ whatever _ it was. Maybe they could finally find that relationship she'd been looking and hoping for to begin with.

_ No, _ some stubborn part of her insisted.  _ That won't be what happens, and you know it, even if it's what he intends. It just isn't in his nature. He won't be able to sit and talk calmly with you as soon as you start pointing out the problem; he'll immediately go on the defensive. After that,  _ you _ won't be able to sit and talk calmly, either. You're more fiery than he can be. _

She remained still and silent. There were a few agonizing moments where Luke attempted to determine whether or not she would answer him before she heard a deep sigh and the door closed once more. She rolled back over, looking at the doorway. She was not in the mood for trying to reason out someone else's strange behaviors with them. She could barely do that for herself anymore.

She groaned. Her muscles ached, her eyes burned, both from her tears earlier and from lack of sleep, and her whole body felt heavy. She needed sleep. That much was clear. The fact that she probably wouldn't be getting any in the near future despite the fact that she desperately needed it was equally as clear. Her plan to at least try meditation resurfaced, and she moved to get out of bed.

As she sat up, she felt like someone punched her in the stomach, squeezing all the air from her chest. She gasped for air, blinking hard, and a bright flash erupted behind her eyelids. For a moment, she felt like she was going to throw up. When she opened her eyes again, she was horrified to see she was no longer on her cot. Immediately, her heart began to race, but she swallowed her panic, forcing herself to get to her feet.

She couldn't tell exactly where she was, as everything was currently swimming in her vision, but it was certainly much brighter than her hut, even Ach-To, had been, and was definitely much louder. Footsteps echoed around her from everywhere, and there was a dull hum that underlaid the beeps and whirs whistling in her ears.

She stumbled around, panting like crazy to catch her breath, and blinking hard to clear her vision. Had she fallen asleep? Was this a dream? Had she been kidnapped?

She tripped and fell into a wall, almost jumping back from the cold metal surface. Instead, she leaned against it, both to support herself and to see if the frigidity of the surface would help center her. She didn't stand up straight until her ears had stopped ringing, her breathing was normal, and her head had cleared. Where was she? How had she gotten here? How did she get out? All important questions, all questions she didn't yet have answers to. She supposed she'd better go find them.

She wandered the seemingly deserted halls for several minutes, trying every door she came across, though she found them all to be locked with an access key she didn't have. When she did finally hear voices, her spirits lifted slightly before plummeting again; these people could very well be the people she was taken by. Instead of helping her get back to Luke, they'd lock her back up, or worse. But these people were the best chance she had. It was either talk to them, or wander around for who knew how long.

She walked hesitantly towards the corridor where the voices seemed to be coming from, and stuck her head around the corner. "H-hello?"

She barely succeeded in stifling her gasp; two stormtroopers were walking quickly towards her, discussing something in robotic tones that Rey berated herself for not recognizing sooner. She pulled her head back from the corner and looked around frantically for a hiding space, but it was an empty hall; it wasn't like hiding spaces were abundant. The stormtroopers rounded the corner, and Rey held her breath, prepared to bolt.

But nothing happened.

They didn't acknowledge her presence at all; not even a lull in conversation. They walked  _ right past her, _ Rey almost brushed their shoulders, and still, they noticed nothing. She watched, dumbfounded, as they turned the corner at the other end of the hall, not even turning their heads to glance at her. As soon as their voices faded, Rey found the sense to breathe and move again. She was certainly confused now, but she wasn't going to wait around to be found again to test the limits of her good fortune.

She raced through the halls, desperate to get out now that she knew where she was. If she was caught...she didn't even want to think about it. The last time she'd been anywhere near the Order, she'd beaten the most powerful Force-sensitive they had on their side. She was sure they weren't pleased about that in any sense of the word, especially not the Force-sensitive in question. If they found her, they'd almost definitely kill her, and she would be no good to the Resistance, or anyone else, dead. She had to get out. The only problem was she'd never been here before and really wasn't even sure how she'd gotten here in the first place. She didn't know where to  _ start. _

Twists and turns made this place less like a base and more like a maze, and Rey couldn't help but think that was the goal. That way if a prisoner escaped, not unlike she had, they'd get hopelessly lost before they could find a way out, giving the Order enough time to find and recapture said prisoner. It was quite probably her fault that this place had been built this way. She was reaping the rewards of her victory.

Just as she was about to give up because she'd found herself in the same hallway for the  _ fifth _ time, something in her shifted. She couldn't pinpoint exactly what had changed, she just knew  _ something _ had. She found she now had the urge to follow a certain path, no longer unsure which way to turn or how far to go down a hallway. Thinking the Force was leading her to safety, she followed the impulses readily, sure that the Force knew what it was doing. However, something else was nagging her. Something else she wasn't familiar with. The farther she went along her newly-charted path, the stronger and more insistent this nagging feeling became. She ignored it and continued moving along the path she believed would get her out. After a few more turns and reroutes, she could feel that she was approaching where she needed to be. The feeling came to a peak as she rounded a corner, and she sighed in relief, ready to get out of here.

But...no, that couldn't be it. It was just another hall, just as bland and uniform as the rest of them. She looked around, checking each of the doors in this hall, but there was no difference between this hall and all the rest. Regardless, the odd sensation was adamant; she was exactly where she was supposed to be. Rey growled in frustration, whirling around to try and find her own way out once again, more lost than she'd been before. She marched down the hall to the next fork, rounding the corner before scrambling backwards.

She found she'd almost run herself right into Kylo Ren.

She shouted in alarm, and Kylo stumbled back himself, his eyes wide, mouth agape, his expression showing clear surprise and confusion. In any other circumstances, Rey would've laughed aloud; she'd  _ scared _ the mighty  _ Kylo Ren. _ Presently, however, she was too terrified to mock him for his own fear.

"Is there someone there?" he demanded, clearly trying to make his voice sound commanding.

He looked up and down the hall, his eyes jumping over Rey every time they should've focused on her. It was almost like-

"I said, is anyone there?"

Rey swallowed, and said, without even  _ thinking, _ " _ I _ am."

She wanted to slap herself. His head whipped around again, his eyes apparently unable to locate the source of the sound. The situation was familiar to Rey, but her brain was currently running through ways of attack and escape which it deemed more important, so she couldn't quite pinpoint how at the moment. She felt around at her belt for her lightsaber, but her stomach dropped when she found it wasn't there. Her eyes widened when she watched him pull his own saber from his belt, thumbing it on with a shaky hand. The blade lengthened until it just barely came to the tip of her nose, but for some reason, Rey couldn't feel the heat radiating off of it that she had when it had been that close so many times before. He waved it around, and Rey had to clamp her hand over her mouth to keep from crying out again when it passed right through her arm _ without doing any damage. _ Choosing to run now and ask questions later, she turned on her heel and bolted, leaving her enemy stunned and bewildered behind her.

She found a small nook to hide in, crouching down low and curling into a ball, trying to make herself as small as possible. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to clear her thoughts enough to make a plan to get  _ away _ from this place and that  _ monster. _ Suddenly, the air was squeezed from her lungs yet again, a light flashing so brightly she flinched. She opened her eyes again and found herself back on her cot, once more gasping for air. She was shaking, clammy, and her head was spinning so fast she felt nauseous.

She had to tell Luke.  _ Now. _

She threw her blankets to the floor and slipped on her boots, not bothering to put her hair back up into its half-knot before racing out the door. She sprinted to Luke's at full speed, chiding herself for not even thinking of wrapping her blanket around her shoulders. She brushed it aside; it wouldn't matter. Hopefully, she wouldn't be outside in the chilly air for long.

She reached his door in thirty seconds flat, and banged on the wooden surface with her fist. "Luke?  _ Luke? _ Lu-  _ Master _ Luke? I need to speak with you! Now! It's urgent!"

She expected to hear rustling, shifting, anything from behind the door that would signal her master was making his way towards it, but she was met with silence.

"Please Luke," she continued earnestly. "This can't wait until morning; this is something I need to discuss with you immediately."

Still nothing. The door did not open to her, and she did not dare open it herself. That was a line even she was not willing to cross. An invasion of privacy. She hung her head, putting the heel of her hand to her forehead in an attempt to soothe the dull ache blooming there, a result of the dizziness that still plagued her. If Luke wanted to be petty, fine. In all fairness, she'd been that way first.

"Fine," she finally sighed, "fine, whatever. I'll speak with you about it in the morning. If you're even willing to talk to me by then."

As she walked away, she couldn't help but feel like this was just the beginning of a long downward spiral.   
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing. He’d found absolutely nothing. He’d searched restlessly for days after his incident, scouring the archives for anything related to shared dreams, unprecedented mood swings, and visions. He’d been able to find no conditions matching his description. He couldn’t remember anything he’d heard in his days of training as a Jedi that he could possibly relate this to, either, though he hadn’t always paid much attention during the history and lore portions of his training. Now, he cursed himself for being so lax about anything related to the Force. Every day, he would meditate for hours on end, hoping to draw out any scrap of information he could from his dim memories of those lessons. Often, the sessions only resulted in him taking out his frustrations on the nearest inanimate object.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I meant to post this chapter last week, but I didn't finish it before I had to go away for the week, so I'm unfortunately just now posting. But it's here and about a thousand words longer than normal! If that's any consolation. Enjoy!

Nothing. He’d found absolutely nothing. He’d searched restlessly for _days_ after his incident, scouring the archives for anything related to shared dreams, unprecedented mood swings, and visions. He’d been able to find no conditions matching his description. He couldn’t remember anything he’d heard in his days of training as a Jedi that he could possibly relate this to, either, though he hadn’t always paid much attention during the history and lore portions of his training. Now, he cursed himself for being so lax about anything related to the Force. Every day, he would meditate for hours on end, hoping to draw out any scrap of information he could from his dim memories of those lessons. Often, the sessions only resulted in him taking out his frustrations on the nearest inanimate object. He’d never been the best at meditation, and the fact that he was using it in so dire a situation and still receiving less than satisfactory results was infuriating.

Worse still, Kylo could write out his master as being the cause of any of his recent episodes. When he attempted to ask about him orchestrating any such thing, it quickly became apparent that he had not been aware of it at all, not felt a disturbance in the Force nor a flare with Kylo smack in the middle of it. He’d known so little that he’d turned the tables on Kylo and started questioning _him._ About what he’d seen, what he’d done, where he’d been, any other information he could give about the visions. Kylo had said nothing much, which, when he thought about it, was walking the line between truth and lie, and his master had seemed disappointed not to learn anything but satisfied with the answer. For the time being, anyway. But now Kylo was out of ways to explain away the odd phenomena. Naturally, he turned to himself being the cause of the problem.

Were the years of harsh training under Supreme Leader Snoke finally catching up to him? Causing his brain to become exhausted and therefore unreliable, even driving him so far as to see and hear things that weren’t there? Was he doing this to himself as punishment for his shortcomings?

Was searching for answers to any of these questions futile?

The answer he could currently give himself for any and all of these questions was, probably. But he couldn’t just ignore what was happening. Not when it seemed to seek him out whenever he attempted to avoid it. He’d heard voices in his latest episode. _Voices._ Not his master’s voice, either, which he was used to. The scavenger’s voice, of all people. What did this have to do with her? Why wasn’t he seeing someone from his past, someone who’d once meant something to him? His mother, his uncle, _anyone_ else? He hadn’t been close to the scavenger previously, hadn’t even really known of her existence, but he seemed both consciously and subconsciously drawn to her. Connected to her in a way he couldn’t describe.

When he’d heard her voice, his mind had immediately flashed back to when he’d been able to see her, but she hadn’t been able to see him. When she’d heard his voice, acknowledged his presence, but stared right through him as though he were transparent. Now he’d apparently experienced the same thing, but this time from her point of view. He wasn’t sure he liked the encounter from either perspective.

But, it was another curiosity that drew his thoughts toward her constantly. It intrigued him. More than that, however, it repulsed him. Which, he’d decided, was a more appropriate response to her and her Light. He couldn’t help but feel that Supreme Leader Snoke would agree wholeheartedly with that statement.

“Kylo Ren,” his master’s gravelly voice cut into his thoughts, as sharp and biting as nails on steel, “I fear that your attention is not on our conversation, but on other matters. Should I make it more appealing to focus on my subject of concern? I’m sure I could think of any number of ways to garner your attention.”

Kylo shook his head almost vigorously. “No, si-” he paused when his voice cracked, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “I mean to say, I don’t believe that will be necessary, Supreme Leader.”

“I certainly hope that you are right.” His master’s hologram shifted in its seat, and Kylo had to plant his feet to keep from shrinking away from his gaze. “As I was saying, General Hux will be arriving to and boarding your vessel shortly. He’s been assigned there to oversee your crew...and keep an eye on you.”

He paused for a moment as if waiting for a response from Kylo. The information hadn’t had time to register enough for Kylo to be upset, so he continued, apparently satisfied with the lack of negative response he’d received.

“He’s been informed that you are not to leave this ship without express purpose and permission from myself, and has even been informed of punishment procedure, should you have a lapse in judgment. He knows to come to me with any problems and to report any misdemeanors. I will be inquiring about your behavior on a weekly basis. You are to respect the general. In fact, treat him as respectfully as if he were me. I hope to hear that there are no problems from now until the time that we meet to complete your training. Do you understand?”

Finally, he did. The information had registered, and what his master had been saying became clear. Crystal clear. Hux was to be his _babysitter._ As if he needed someone to stand over him and watch his every move, scolding him when he did wrong. Kylo couldn’t _stand_ the thought of that impish, self-righteous-

“This displeases you?”

His master sat back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap, looking somewhat agitated. Kylo immediately quashed the resentment boiling in his stomach. “Supreme Leader, I simply don’t believe that I need someone to be my _caretaker._ I _am_ a grown man; I think myself quite capable of monitoring my own wellbeing. Surely there are other fields where General Hux would be of much more use. I can’t possibly be of much concern-”

“He is there merely as a precaution. While your courageous act of standing up to the demons of your past was commendable, there is still the matter of your seemingly insurmountable weakness. Your-” he looked like the very thought of the word made him ill, _"compassion._ It has posed too great a risk recently for you to be left alone. And these visions you told me of only heightens my concern for your state of thinking. I think it best that he monitor you, for both your safety and the safety of the Order.”

Kylo could barely mask the hurt and rage that coursed through him; the Supreme Leader  still did not trust him. After all that he had done for this cause, all that he’d _sacrificed,_ he still had not done enough to gain his master’s complete trust. Still, he silenced his anger yet again, swallowing his pride and agreeing to whatever was asked of him.

“If you think that the best way to proceed, then I will learn to agree with your decision, Supreme Leader.”

He nodded. “I’m glad that you are able to see it my way. Go. Greet the general when he arrives. Give him your utmost respect,” he leaned forward in his chair. “Do not disappoint me.”

Kylo bowed, clenching his teeth to prevent a growl of frustration from escaping his throat.

“I expect to hear that his arrival goes smoothly.”

Kylo nodded curtly, turning to leave as the giant hologram flickered and disappeared. He walked out swiftly, somehow managing to keep his face emotionless as he entered the main corridors. People glanced at him sideways as they passed, probably all but drowning in the waves of fury that seemed to roll off of him. He did all he could to rein himself in in preparation for the arrival of the _golden child._

Oh, but he was _fuming_ at the prospect. Goody-goody Armitage running to tell at the smallest instance of disobedience, snickering behind his hand as punishments were doled out. All the while he-who-could-do-no-wrong would be off doing terrible things that he would never be reprimanded for. The thought made Kylo’s skin crawl.

He wouldn’t stand for it.

His hand clenched into a fist, but somehow he managed to keep it at his side. For the time being, anyway. He realized that an incredibly public outburst would not be of any service to him given his current situation, so he gritted his teeth and attempted to keep it together. His limbs felt like lead, his heart pounded, and blood rushed in his ears, but he absolutely refused to give Hux the satisfaction of seeing that this angered him as much as it did. With every step, he came closer to exploding. His breathing became labored as he moved through the halls, each trooper he passed seeming to notice the tensing of his shoulders, the rigidity of his posture, the small movement in his jaw. Though his face remained passive, his body language most certainly did not, and every officer in the Order knew what would follow when he became tense.

‘A few more steps,’ he repeated to himself, over and over, hoping it would center him enough to keep him calm until he reached his quarters.

Instead, with every reiteration, thoughts of Hux and his sneer surfaced, his irritatingly nasal voice, the almost plastic look about him. Everything he _loathed_ about the moron managed to come to the forefront of his mind, setting him up for a disaster sooner or later.

The absolute last straw was when he heard two officers conversing about the general’s arrival as they passed. They didn’t seem particularly disappointed or pleased either way, they were simply discussing all that needed to be done to prepare for his arrival, but the mere mention of the redhead was enough to fire him up. He yelled, startling the two officers, and he pulled out his lightsaber and ignited it, cutting through a maintenance droid as it passed. The top half slid to the ground and Kylo kicked out, knocking the bottom half over as well. The wall was the next to be subject to his wrath. The two officers stood by, watching in mixed shock and horror as he obliterated the smooth metal surface, charring and mangling it with the sizzling red plasma blade he held. He could see the dissatisfied snarl Hux would be wearing as he watched sparks fly, rolling his eyes as he flicked a smoldering piece of rubble off the shoulder of his jacket. The wall flared tones of red and orange as he continued to hack at it, screams of infuriation tearing from his throat, making it raw. He could hear that snobbish voice with its infuriating accent, the slightest flick of the vowels, the crispness of the consonants. He could hear it scolding him, threatening him, “Supreme Leader will not be pleased with my report on your behavior this week.” Over and over again, he hit the wall with his blade, doing the damage to it that he wished he could do to the one who caused all this rage.

Eventually, when the wall was no more than a gnarled, smoking hole, he stopped and deactivated his lightsaber. He heaved deep breaths, turning to sneer at the two officers still frozen in fear behind him. They snapped out of their daze and scampered off, their footfalls quick and light as they padded away as fast as they could without running. Kylo clipped his saber back to his belt and stomped the rest of the way to his quarters, his anger abated for now but nowhere near gone. Once he flew into his room and the door shut behind him, he threw his lightsaber onto the bed, running his hands through his hair in frustration.

Hux would hear about this, there was no question. Which meant, by extension, Snoke would hear about this. While Snoke didn’t mind that he was using his anger to fuel his actions, he probably _did_ mind that he was destroying expensive and valuable equipment. Not to mention that Hux would throw a _fit._ Five months of Kylo’s life would be plagued by snide remarks about the ship looking like a patchwork quilt. He was in deep.

The only thing that kept him from destroying his entire room was the knowledge that if he caused damage to another part of the ship in such a short amount of time, he would _certainly_ never be able to live it down. However, it wasn’t enough to keep him from leaving a good, fist-sized dent in his wall.

* * *

_Oh, what a day this was turning out to be!_

Things had been rough lately in Hux’s world, to put it lightly. Nothing seemed to be going right, and he was struggling to stay on top of everything that needed to be done; the countermeasures that needed to be taken in order to safely and efficiently rebuild and reorganize, the messes he had to clean up, the losses in troops that he had to make up for. But the knowledge that he’d finally have the upper hand on that insolent raven-haired brat seemed to be enough to make his steps a little lighter. That whiny ingrate thought he ran everything because he had his magic tricks, but now...now Hux would have almost complete control, and there was nothing that ebony-cloaked crybaby could do about it. Hux could not wait to see the displeasure etched across the brooding, angular features he _loathed._ The very thought brought him glee he forgot himself even capable of.

Anticipation bubbled in his stomach as they approached their destination. He stood watching as they moved to board the larger vessel. In the window’s reflection, he watched a young officer enter the room, taking off his hat in Hux’s presence. Hux turned to face him.

“We will be docking in five standard minutes, sir.”

“Good,” he responded to the young man, “the sooner we board, the better.” Hux turned back around to hide the small smirk that curled his lip. “For me, anyway.”

In five standard minutes, as promised, he felt the familiar stall of the shuttle docking. Hux pulled on his hat, straightening the brim before making his way to the ramp leading off the shuttle. The very Force-sensitive he’d hoped to see came into his view gradually as he strolled down the ramp, displeasure evident on his features. As soon as he caught Hux’s eye, however, the younger man’s face fell into a mask of indifference.

 _Oh,_ what fun.

Hux smothered a smile with his fist, attempting to pass a chuckle for a cough. He stepped directly up to the massive man, not bothering to try and quell the pompous air he knew he’d assumed. “Ren,” he greeted smoothly.

“General,” Ren replied, his voice noticeably straining as he fought to achieve the same calm.

Again, Hux did all he could to hide a smile. “I... _assume_ you know why I’m here. Don’t you?”

Ren’s tongue very obviously ran across the inside of his lower lip, and Hux had to contain himself to keep from releasing a victorious chuckle. The best part? Ren wouldn’t even meet his eyes. “I’ve been made aware of the situation, yes.”

This time, Hux couldn’t hide his smile, especially when he noticed how much of an effort Ren was making to show that he didn’t care. He stepped away, looking around to find something else to tease him about. He meandered to the wall, running a gloved finger down the cool surface. His nose wrinkled as he pulled his hand away, tutting at the layer of dirt that covered his fingertip. “This place is _filthy,_ Ren. Was a sanitation team not assigned to this ship? Or do you just never bother to send them to clean up your messes? You know, since they’re so frequently made and all…”

He received no verbal response, but the tensing of Ren’s entire body told him all he wanted to know. He continued to walk around the hangar for awhile longer, enjoying himself immensely. He was quite sure Ren hadn’t breathed since he’d gotten off the ship, most likely for fear that he would do or say something that Hux would tell Leader Snoke about later. Hux decided to increase the opportunity for error. “Why don’t you walk with me, show me around the ship?”

Hux could barely contain his delight at seeing Ren’s jaw clench in answer, before he nodded curtly and turned to lead him deeper into the ship. As they walked through the seemingly functional halls, his joy was dampened only slightly by how smoothly the crew ran under the Force user. It quickly returned to its previous state, however, when he remembered _he_ would soon be the one in charge. They turned into hallway after hallway, each one seeming to be relatively well-kept and functional, and Hux was incredibly satisfied by how precise everything was.

Until they rounded the last corner.

His eyes widened. The sight before him made Hux want to gag. There was a _hole._ A hole in the ship’s wall. And not a perfectly removed, precision-cut hole, either. Oh, no. It was a _massive, jagged, mangled hole in the wall,_ and it had obviously been cut with a lightsaber.

 _"What have you done to my ship?”_ he yelped, his voice shrill.

Ren shifted uncomfortably next to him. “There was an...incident.”

“An _incident?_ It must have been one _hell_ of an incident, Ren!” He raced towards the wall and crouched near the hole, running his fingers along its mangled edges. He whimpered in horror; this _would_ _not_ do. “This is absolutely disgraceful!” he shouted, leaping to his feet. “No more! I'll have no more of this! This. Will. End! I will see to it!”

He turned on his heel and marched off without another word, already preparing for his first report to Supreme Leader Snoke.

* * *

_It was cold. Cold and dark. The two things in life he found he was most used to. The things that drew him in, but weren’t very welcoming, and that seemed to be there everywhere he went. And of course, what were cold and dark without fear? Without terror? Without the panic that crept up from the pit of his stomach until it reached the back of his throat? Yes, that was there, too. All were there, all familiar._

_Then there was the unfamiliar. The aspect of his dream that had appeared only recently. The small beam of light, like a spotlight, trained on the spot where the scavenger would appear. It wasn’t always there. In fact, this was only the second time that it_ had _been there. But when it was, she was always there, too._

 _This time, she wasn’t dazed. She wasn’t scared or confused as she had been before. In fact, this time, she simply looked tired. Weary. And, Kylo noticed, slightly amused by his observation,_ annoyed _. She looked around, her body noticeably tensing. She inhaled deeply and growled._

 _“Not again,” he heard her mumble. “Not now. Why am I here? Why am I here now, of_ all _times? Why am I here_ again?”

_Her voice rose at a steady rate, her hands clenching into fists at her sides. Much to Kylo’s disappointment, however, she took a few deep breaths and calmed down. She started pacing, keeping an eye on the edges of her circle, mindful of what had happened the last time._

_“I don’t think shoving your feelings deep, deep down so you don’t have to deal with them is very healthy,” Kylo couldn’t help but drone, though he knew he was just as guilty of this as she was, if not more. “Just a heads up.”_

_Her head whipped toward his voice and her face fell even further. “Look,” she said, sitting down and crossing her legs. She put her face in her hands; when she spoke again it was muffled by her fingers. “I have had...the_ longest _week of my life. And if you knew me, you’d know that that’s a huge thing; I’ve had some pretty long weeks. So, Whoever-You-Are, I’d really appreciate it if you were maybe a little bit nice this time. And if that’s too much to ask, then just be a little less rude. All right? Just...please. I need a break.”_

 _Kylo didn’t say anything. Not for a long while. Not even when he wanted to say, ‘Yes, well, I’ve had a long week, too, and I’m pretty sure that it’s all your fault somehow.’ No. He watched her instead, moving a little closer to see her better. He observed the slump of her shoulders, her overall disheveled appearance, the look of defeat written all over her as if she were an open book. Part of him jumped at that. Part of him rose up in glee because she was_ beaten. _Because she did, in fact, have bounds. But another part of him, unsurprisingly he found, given recent situations,_ pitied _her. Even wanted to comfort her, as he knew how she felt, and how horrible it was to feel that way. But he shoved that part of him down firmly and pulled on the part of him that revelled in her defeat._

_Still, after a long time of silence, he said, “Can I ask what exactly has made this week so  long for you?”_

_Oh, he knew exactly what it was, of course. Her problem was exactly his, only reversed. But he had no desire to reveal who he was to her, and then be fighting both in waking and sleeping hours as a result. He absolutely did not want to make his life any harder right now._

_She finally drew her head up from her palms and stared in what she probably assumed was his direction. “Is it any of your business?”_

_Kylo raised his eyebrows both in surprise and amusement. “I suppose not.”_

_And again, it became silent. She’d lowered her head back into her palms, and Kylo stood still, not willing to make any noise to pull away from the silence. Suddenly realizing his own exhaustion fully, he found that maybe this was what they both needed. That maybe both of them just needed to sit in silence for awhile, and then they’d finally get that rest that they both seemed to so desperately ne-_

_“I’m...having trouble with - with my master.”_

_Kylo’s head whipped up at her voice. So much for silence. He didn’t say anything in response as she raised her head from her hands yet again, folding them in her lap before she continued. “There’s something..._ weird _happening to me, and it’s causing strain where it was already tense. I don’t know how to fix it, and I don’t know how to tell him about it...I mean, he won’t even talk to me. He barely even looks at me when we train, which is yet another rarity anymore. When he comes out of his trance every so often, he’ll occasionally give me a few half-hearted instructions and then resume his staring off into space. He’s probably disappointed. About what, I couldn’t even begin to know. I’m sure there’s quite the list. Plenty of things that I’ve done to make his blood absolutely_ boil."

_She rolled her eyes, the smile she wore twisted in an emotion Kylo knew well; bitterness._

_“But, I’ve just been overwhelmed lately, long story short. Mentally and physically exhausted. When I try to sleep to fix the problem, I either can’t fall asleep long enough to dream because I’m too worried about the things that are happening when I’m awake, or I come here. And unfortunately,” she rolled her eyes, “if I’m here, I wake up as though I never slept.”_

_She paused for a long moment, wringing her hands. “And on top of all the problems with my master, I keep seeing things..._ hearing _things. And - and they revolve around this - this_ monster _of a man.”_

_Kylo’s mood soured. “Monster? I doubt he’s quite that bad.”_

_“I watched him murder his own_ father. _His own blood! Without any reason to do so, as far as I could tell.”_

_Kylo swallowed thickly. “I’m sure he might’ve had his reasons.”_

_“It was his_ father. _Do you know what I would’ve given to have a father?”_

_“Maybe his father was...not preferable.”_

_She looked as if she’d just smelled something awful. “Not preferable? What do you mean by that? He was a human person; even if he’d made some mistakes or poor choices as a father, he didn’t deserve to be_ killed! _Especially not by his own son! His own son who he was trying to save! He wanted to bring him home. Welcome him with open arms. Forget the past and try to help him recover from it. But no. He threw all of that away! For no reason other than to serve himself and the one he calls his master. Are you still going to defend him?”_

 _Kylo couldn’t say anything in response. He found that his answer, though it was himself he was defending, was a resounding_ no.

 _“He’s spoiled, whiny, entitled,_ obsessive _, and an all-around horrible person, and still, for some reason, every aspect of my life has to revolve around him. My friends and family all talk about him, saying that I need to pity him and save him rather than destroy him, even after all he’s done. I’m training hard, day in and day out, so that one day when I meet him again, I’ll be ready for him. And now, I can’t even be alone without his voice being in my head. Without seeing him. Without thinking about him. Is that fair? Is that_ right?” _She sighed, "The sad thing is, I don't seem to be able to tell exactly what's wrong and what's right anymore, even in terms of what’s expected of me. I just-”_

_She threw her hands in front of her and shook them, a gesture of frustration. Had Kylo’s pride not just taken several considerable hits, he might’ve laughed. She ran her hands through her hair, curling her fingers at her scalp before letting them drop back into her lap._

_“I just want everything to be simple again,” she whispered._

_Kylo scoffed. Simple? When had his life last been simple? He couldn’t remember. Not even as a child had his life been simple. He had to behave out in public; he had to do well in school; he had to be nice and gentle with the other kids, because if he wasn’t, they might be afraid of him because of what he could do; he had to be very careful because anything he did was a reflection of his mother, and one wrong move could ruin her reputation. Life had never been simple for him. “Was it ever simple before?” he spat._

_She seemed surprised at his negative reaction to her seemingly harmless statement. “Well, yes. Not..._ easy, _no, but simple. I woke up every day and did exactly the same thing, over and over. I always knew what I was going to do that day. I always had one objective that I had to meet, and that’s it. That’s all I had to do. All I ever did. It was certainly hard on the body sometimes, especially when you didn’t scrape together enough parts to get a decent-sized meal, but at least I didn’t really have to do anything as far as making important decisions goes. The only decisions I ever really made were, ‘Do I really even want to get up today if I know it’ll be just as hard as every other?’ and, ‘Should I number this day on my wall too? Or just stop counting and let the days fall away into years because they aren’t ever coming back?’”_

_Again she smiled bitterly, looking almost on the verge of tears. Kylo no longer felt the need to comfort her; she clearly had no intention of feeling sympathy for him._

_“I was right,” she continued. “About the days all being the same and about them not coming back for me. Even though I tried lying to myself. ‘Plutt’s going to be in a good mood today,’ or, ‘One of the ships that docks today will have passengers asking about you.’ Deep down, I always knew I’d been abandoned. I always knew the truth. But I’m glad I kept getting up. I’m glad I didn’t just let myself waste away. Those days might’ve been rough, but they made me who I am. They made me stronger, I guess.”_

_She stared off into space, clearly reliving something from her past, before blinking and sitting up straight. “I’m sorry,” she chuckled in disbelief. “Why am I telling you all of this? I don’t even know who you are. With all that’s been happening recently…” she laughed and made a face,_ “you could be Kylo Ren.”

_She rolled her eyes and chuckled to herself, clearly amused. But Kylo cleared his throat uncomfortably, suddenly very self-conscious._

If only she knew.

_“But you aren’t,” she finally said. “You’re probably just a figment of my imagination, caused by stress, loneliness, and lack of sleep. And I’m not well-rested because I don’t sleep long enough, not because I’m here.” She exhaled loudly, laying back and tossing her arms over her head. “When did my life get so complicated?”_

_Her humorous demeanor dropped, and she was weary once again. She brought her hands back down and folded her arms around herself, almost like she was giving herself a hug. She puffed out her cheeks, blowing the air out slowly. Again, Kylo saw that she was on the verge of tears, and again he felt emotions flaring up that he_ knew _he shouldn’t feel for this girl, stronger this time._

_It scared him, that he could still feel this way after what she’d said, that he could feel them for her when she was supposed to be his enemy, that he could want to help someone who only wanted to hurt him. On top of the fear that he was already feeling, this panic was going to strangle him. He had to get out of here, and fast. He had to wake up._

_He willed his eyes to open, the thing that usually worked to wake him up, but nothing happened. His level of panic increased, and he pinched himself, shook himself, even stomped on his own foot, anything to get him out of this place and away from_ her. _Nothing. Panic rose to desperation, and his breathing started coming in short bursts._

_“Hey,” the scavenger said, sitting up on her elbows and frowning, “what’s going on? Are you okay out there?”_

_Kylo didn’t answer. He couldn’t when she was showing him the compassion he so desperately needed to be cut off from. So he didn’t answer. He did the most cowardly thing he could have done instead._

_He ran._

_He didn’t even know where he was running to - it was just a dark and seemingly endless abyss - just as long as it took him away from the girl. Away from his feelings. His sympathy. His compassion. His doubt and his guilt. Just_ away.

_He could hear the girl calling after him as he ran, asking over and over if he was okay, to come back, but he kept running. It was almost like his brain had shut off from the fear; he couldn’t form any rational thought. The only thing that registered in his brain was panic._

_Suddenly he tripped and fell, hitting the ground hard. He coughed and spluttered, fighting to escape something that had entangled him._

When he finally sat up, free of what had only been his bedsheets, he was no longer dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sound of quickly retreating footsteps was certainly not a comforting sound. Especially when in an unfamiliar place, in an already panicked state of mind, and on the verge of tears. Needless to say, the thought of whoever it was who sat out in the dark running away as fast as possible was not calming to Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter should have been up a loong time ago, but then I had to completely rewrite a section of it, so it's just now going up. Hopefully this won't keep happening and I'll be able to update on a more frequent basis, but I have to get a little more organized and schedule oriented for that to happen. Ha...haha...ha...
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

_The sound of quickly retreating footsteps was certainly not a comforting sound. Especially when in an unfamiliar place, in an already panicked state of mind, and on the verge of tears. Needless to say, the thought of whoever it was who sat out in the dark running away as fast as possible was not calming to Rey._

_“What’s going on?” She sat up completely, leaning forward to better hear any sort of response she received. Nothing. “Are you okay?”_

_The footsteps continued to get farther and farther away, and finally Rey scrambled to her feet, moving as close to the edge as she was comfortable. “Hello? Can I help you? What’s wrong?”_

_Suddenly, she remembered what she’d learned  in their previous encounter._

"What exactly _is_ that?"

"What exactly is what?"

"That...dark cloud. What is it? Why wouldn't I want to touch it? I mean, aren't you out there?"

"Yes, and it's not pleasant. You have the same dream every night. You 'wake up' here and see that there's only a little area that's well lit. You panic, which only makes the already-small area even smaller, until eventually, you _want_ to touch it. Then, when you do...you see things. Horrible things."

_It was a probable explanation, at least._

_“Are you seeing something? Please, let me help! Come back, and I can help you; what you’re seeing isn’t real!”_

_Still, she received no response. She continued to listen to the sound of retreating footsteps, her heart in her throat, until there was a large thud and the sound of some sort of struggle before...nothing. There was absolute silence. Instead of her heart rate slowing down, it sped up. She knew that whoever it was hadn’t just calmed down and stopped running. They were gone._

_“H-hello? Are you still there?”_

_Of course, there was no answer. She would’ve been foolish to expect one. She became increasingly worried about the person, pacing back and forth and wringing her hands, trying to find a way to explain to herself what had happened. Then, as she was on her fourth trip back and forth, the thought occurred to her that this person wasn’t real. It was a figment of her subconscious. Something she’d simply made up. Whatever had happened to them had happened because she wanted to be alone and her brain found a way to make that the case. It was that and nothing more. She forced herself to calm down before she ran out of room, and sat back down._

_She ran her hands through the grass like she had the time before, finding comfort once again in its softness. As fast as her life was in the real world, she figured she’d better take it slow while she could, in any form she could. Even if it was in an unknown and potentially dangerous place. Sighing, she lay on her side, curling in on herself and closing her eyes. How funny, she thought, that you could even_ attempt _to sleep in a dream. But it was a pleasant feeling, regardless. To be able to lay back and not think about anything but herself and where she was at this very moment in time. To not have to think about her training, her strange encounters, and, most importantly, that monster. Yes, this place was definitely a welcome reprieve._

 _Not for the first time, however, she found her thoughts wandering towards who the mystery person currently plaguing her dreams could possibly be. In recent sessions of thought, she’d decided it was definitely a man, and quite possibly one she’d met before and spent a decent amount of time with. In fact, it was_ probably _a man that she’d met before. His voice sounded at least vaguely familiar to her, and why in the galaxy would she be dreaming about a complete stranger? Somebody that she’d never met before? Granted, if it was just in her head, it could quite possibly be no one. Someone or something that didn’t exist outside her dreamspace. Still, if something like this were happening to her, she’d at least want it to be with somebody she knew. But who could it be? There weren’t a whole lot of options._

_Finn was a possible choice, but his voice didn’t quite sound like the one she was hearing, and he would never be as short with her as this person was, even if he was just in her imagination. Poe was also a possible choice, but he was even more laid back than Finn was, and this voice was much different than Poe’s was. The only other man that she’d talked to relatively regularly was Luke. He had certainly been as short with her as this person and then some. His voice didn’t match up perfectly with the one she’d been hearing, but this place did seem to slightly distort and echo voices, so maybe it wasn’t too far of a reach. Besides, there was only one other possible chance, and even considering it made her ill. She’d only “talked” with him once or twice, really, and she’d had no desire to converse with him on those occasions, so why would she imagine him up so she could talk to him more than she already had? She had absolutely no desire to speak to that man. Although, when she thought about it, it could make sense. His terseness with her, his willingness to defend the monster’s actions, his dodgy way of answering her questions about his identity…_

_But no. Again, if it was only a subconscious figment - and it_ was _\- then it couldn’t be him._

 _Oddly, even though she was already dreaming, she could feel sleep’s pull on her as she lay in the grass. It was a strange sensation indeed. She definitely felt tired, but instead of falling asleep, which she knew she should have been able to do at this point of exhaustion, she simply fell into the most peaceful state she’d ever found herself in. It was an amazing feeling. It was how she imagined hugging someone you trusted for a very long time would feel. Safe and warm and calm. It was like hugging Finn, only...different. Not that hugging Finn wasn’t the most wonderful feeling she’d experienced in her life thus far, because it was. It was a beam of light and hope in her otherwise dim and bleak existence. She always felt appreciated in his embrace. Maybe...maybe even_ loved. _But there had always been a way she’d imagined a hug to be. Just having one person who would squeeze you tight and you would know that everything would be all right. And though Finn came incredibly close to meeting that expectation, it just wasn’t the same. But he was the closest thing she’d had to family in a long time, and she would give anything to be with him right now. To know for sure that he was all right. To laugh with him and tell him all about...everything. He was the one person she_ really _wanted to tell about all of this. The one person she trusted to be understanding and helpful. But he was across the galaxy, possibly still unconscious, possibly awake and wondering where she’d gone and why._

_She’d been away for far too long._

_“Rey?”_

_Her name echoed loud and clear in the large space, booming in the blackness. She shot upright, her head whipping around to try and find the source of the new voice._

“Rey?”

 _This voice, though it at first seemed like the usual one, was decidedly_ not _her original companion’s. This one she definitely knew._

_“Luke? Luke, is that you? What are you doing here?”_

_“Rey, please; wake up.”_

She flew into a sitting position, almost smacking her forehead to Luke’s, who was standing over her. He stepped back, allowing her to wake up, and as he did, the light streaming through her door hit her in the face. Her eyes widened and panic rose in her chest.

She was late. He’d come to wake her...because she was late.

She chanced a glance in Luke’s direction, and saw that unfortunately his face was a mask of indifference. She didn’t have a clue how he felt to begin with because of the events of the day before, but now, here she was managing to fail _again_. She figured it was safe to assume he wasn’t pleased.

She scrambled out of bed, fumbling around the small room for her lightsaber and her clothing. She caught sight of her belt and tried to fly by Luke to get it, but he put a hand out and caught her arm, stopping her short. She looked up at him in surprise, but he wasted no time in explaining himself.

“I only wanted to come here to let you know that I’m going to be absent for the day, Rey. There’s no training. You’re free to do whatever you’d like. If, in the event of an emergency, my presence is necessary, I’ll be on the far side of the island. I just...believe we need some time apart from each other.”

Rey nodded slowly as he let go of her arm, stepping slightly away from him. She wasn’t quite sure if she should be hurt, relieved, or feel both things simultaneously. He must have sensed her hesitation and thought that she’d taken offense, because he was quick to say, “I just need a day to think, is all, Rey. I’m not trying to insinuate anything-”

“No,” Rey cut him off, shaking her head. “No, that’s okay. You’re - you’re fine. I, uh...I don’t disagree. I think some time alone would be...beneficial. To - to the both of us.”

Luke continued watching her closely, disbelief and uncertainty glinting in his eyes. Rey forced a smile. “Really,” she urged. “ _Go._ I’ll be just fine. It’s only a day.”

“Okay,” he finally said, “okay, I’ll be off, then. You should try and rest today. Get some more sleep. It should be good for you.”

She nodded, though she didn’t see herself sleeping anytime in the foreseeable future, her fake smile still stretching her lips. Luke sighed and began making his way towards her door. She watched him carefully, trying to gauge his mood from his movements, all the while moving back towards her cot and sitting down. She sat up straighter when he paused in the doorway. He turned around, his mouth open as if to say something more, but he promptly shut it and left, shaking his head.

Rey released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, sagging back onto her cot. She lay flat on her back, bringing her hands up to cover her face. So Luke would be gone the entire day. An entire day for her to be by herself. She didn’t know if she should be relieved by that fact, or terrified. But at least she had time to think about things without any interruptions on Luke’s part. She’d only be interrupted by her own mind and its issues. A vision, a violent mood swing, or, if she _did_ fall asleep, another dream. But anything that _did_ happen, good or bad, she would have to deal with alone. And that, she figured, would probably be her worst problem.

* * *

When she woke up from the few more hours sleep that she’d, by some miracle, managed to get, she felt... _different._ Incredibly off-kilter, like something in her world had shifted entirely, and she felt almost like something was _missing._

Passing it off as general disconcertion from being put off schedule by the lack of training today, Rey rolled over, sitting up and kicking off her blanket. She stretched and yawned widely, wincing when her shoulder popped. She massaged her shoulder blade as she glanced around her hut, almost deciding to clean up the place with her day off. She decided against it, however, and swung her legs over the edge of her cot, slipping her feet into her boots and standing up. Reaching to tie up her hair, she stopped herself, smiling. She wouldn’t put her hair up. Not today. Not when she didn’t have to. She hadn’t worn her hair down in _years._ She couldn’t remember the last time she had.

Leaving her lightsaber by her bed, she started outside. While before, she’d been thinking of sorting through her issues, she decided that maybe the best way to deal with them for the time being was to let her brain focus on something else for awhile. Luke would probably scold her if he found out that she’d left herself completely unprotected by leaving her only weapon at home, but she figured bringing that saber would be bringing the trouble with her. Besides, what could possibly happen to her while she was on an island all alone except for him?

It was actually a pretty nice day, she observed as she walked. A breeze tousled her loose hair and she chuckled as some of her brunette waves hit her in the face. She walked for several minutes, not knowing or caring where she’d end up. One foot in front of the other, she moved at a leisurely pace. After all, she didn’t have anywhere to be. When she finally did reach her mystery destination, she realized she must’ve been walking out of habit as she found herself at her place of peace from a couple weeks ago; the island’s highest point. Again she walked to the edge, looking over it at the water below. The waves were much calmer today than they had been the previous time she’d visited this particular spot, and she smiled, knowing that she too was much calmer this time around.

In a few short minutes, she found herself sprawled on the ground, basking in the warm glow of the sun. It smelled like the ocean, small droplets that the breeze carried catching in her hair and eyelashes. It was so calm she almost didn’t believe it. Nothing had been this calm in what seemed like, and probably had been, years. Maybe even _ever._ Suddenly, that strange emptiness made sense to her.

She was lacking a reason to feel pressured.

To do anything, to act a certain way, to feel certain things...anything. She felt completely and totally unburdened. Though odd, it was an amazing feeling. If Rey hadn’t been so focused on just how amazing she felt, she might’ve had the wherewithal to question why exactly everything felt so _right._ She might’ve been more suspicious of her suddenly absolutely unburdened attitude. But at the moment she found she did not have the capacity to care about the suspicious nature of her feelings. She only wanted to drink them in as she knew they probably wouldn’t last long.

And she was right. Before too long, try as she might to lead them away, her thoughts _did_ wander towards her problems. Her problems with her master, her training, _herself._ She seemed to have so many. Definitely many more than she’d ever had on Jakku. On Jakku, she’d had one problem, and one problem only; food. Did she have enough parts to get a decent amount? Was she going to have any tomorrow? She didn’t have enough, but was there any that she’d saved from a time when there’d been more than enough? Now, though, her problems involved her friends, her training, and, occasionally, you know, just _the fate of the entire galaxy._

Sometimes that fact weighed on her shoulders heavily. More than she would’ve liked to admit. She of course wouldn’t say anything about it to anyone, not even Finn. She wasn’t going to tell them that their one chance at having an equal opponent for that black-clothed Knight of Ren was _scared._ That might as well be throwing their chance out the window. But more than being his opponent, it seemed that she was expected to be a sort of _savior_ for him.

She hadn’t known Leia for long, but if Rey knew anything about her, it was that she wanted her son back, for whatever reason. And she also knew that the poor woman was counting on her to try and bring him back...somehow. Though Leia’d never come out and said it aloud - in fact she’d even spoken _against_ it - Rey knew it to be the case. So, unfortunately, as much as she hated the man, bringing him back relatively unharmed had to be her main goal. She understood that Leia would never want her to put herself in harm’s way when unnecessary, and knew that Leia understood that if she had to, she would kill him. Even though she knew it was terrible to think, she hoped it did come to that. Then she could honestly say she’d tried to bring him back but he’d refused and left her with no choice. She didn’t want to become the one in charge of “changing his mind” or “turning him around” or whatever it was she’d have to do if he came back. Then she’d be the one to take the fall when he inevitably “relapsed” - as if he’d ever been intending to come back - and destroyed everything they’d worked for, taking all of them out in the process.

“Oh, what have I gotten myself into?” she mumbled, throwing an arm over her face.

She attempted to forget. Attempted to put everything in the back of her mind. But like always, once the thought was there, it would stay there and continue to grow in complexity and worry her even more than it had already managed to. She had to learn how to keep herself from doing that. It was making her life harder than it already was.

She closed her eyes, sighing softly, trying to make herself relax. Despite the extra hours of sleep she’d gotten, she was still feeling incredibly tired. If she didn’t give herself a break, she really _would_ go insane. She had to find something else to think about. Something to look forward to. She wondered when she’d be able to see her friends again. Be able to get off this island and really let everything go. Probably not until she was given the ‘OK’ from Luke, and at the rate they were going, that would be about…oh, never. Rey wasn’t quite sure if she’d be able to handle this for much longer. It certainly wasn’t what she’d thought it would be. But she had to do this. She didn’t have a choice. If she wanted to keep her friends and herself safe from the threats currently barraging their galaxy, she had to learn how to ward those threats off. Luke would probably eventually let up. As soon as he saw how serious she was about doing this, he’d trust her with more. Besides, if she really _did_ go crazy, at least the crazy things happening to her would finally have an explanation.

‘Way to look on the bright side, Rey.’

Suddenly, something flickered behind her eyelids. Her eyes fluttered open, squinting against the sun high in the sky. She searched for a bird, a large bug, anything that could’ve caused a shadow, but there was nothing. She assumed it was nothing and closed her eyes again, settling into the grass underneath her. A few minutes later, the same flicker occurred. This time, she didn’t even bother opening her eyes. She simply reached up to swat away whatever was bothering her. What she managed to hit was _much_ larger than a bug. Her eyes flew open and she screeched.

Kylo Ren was standing over her, his mask in one hand at his side, his lightsaber, sheathed for now, in his other. She was too afraid to move, too afraid to _breathe._ He made no move towards her, and she no move towards him. It didn’t seem like he had anyone with him, but Rey knew that people could be anywhere, doing anything. _What if they weren’t here because they were looking for Luke?_ She couldn’t say anything, couldn’t do anything but stare. She hadn’t blinked since she’d seen him and her eyes had begun to burn, but she couldn’t care less. She was convinced that if she took her eyes off of him for even a moment, he would attack. She subconsciously reached for her lightsaber, usually clipped to her belt at her side, but her stomach dropped when she remembered her unwillingness to bring it with her today.  Suddenly, she felt her odds of making it out of this encounter alive go from dwindling to nothing.

She stared up at him, still lying flat on her back on her back, one of his giant boots on either side of her waist, and she swallowed hard. He would have absolutely no trouble killing her right here; in fact, it would probably be the easiest thing he’d ever done in his life. But he still made no move to kill her. He seemed to be too busy looking around to pay much attention to her at all.

“Don’t worry, _scavenger_ , I’m not here to hurt you or your precious _master..._ I’m here to give you a warning.”

His thumb flicked over his saber’s activation button, and Rey flinched, apparently much to his satisfaction. He snarled and pressed it for real, causing the red plasma blade to elongate until the tip singed the ground next to Rey’s head. She yelped despite herself and he leaned closer.

“I’m coming for you,” he whispered. “You and all your little friends. Me and my army will wipe them all out...unless you decide to come with me. Then we could eventually wipe them out together. We could rule over _all._ I’d even allow you to keep one. As a pet.”

Rey shut her eyes tightly, shaking her head, squirming to try and get away from him.

“Think long and hard, scavenger. Either they all die, or most of them do. Your choice.”

“How about option three?” she spat. _“You_ die.”

He made a tutting sound as he stood back up. “Ah, ah, ah,” he chuckled. “Wrong answer.” He brought his saber up above his head, bringing it down-

Rey sat up quickly, sweat covering her entire body, making the previously cool breeze chilling. Kylo Ren was nowhere to be seen. Absolutely nothing suggested he’d ever been there. So it had been a dream, all of it.

No...no she refused to believe that. After everything she’d been through? There was no way. There had to be something to prove that he’d been there. But there was nothing. She even checked the grass that had been by her head for singe marks. Nothing. She’d just fallen asleep and her recent thoughts had caused her dream to feature the one and only Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren or not, it was time to tell Luke, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If it was becoming so much of a problem that these things were bothering her even while asleep, she needed to get them off her chest and figured out so she could start focusing on much more important things. Things like actually dealing with that monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you guys liked it and aren't getting completely bored with this story. As always, comments/critiques and kudos are appreciated! Thank you for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He needed answers. That was for sure. In fact, that was the only thing he was sure of. He needed to know what was happening to him, and why it was happening. Then maybe he’d be able to function on the basic level without too much difficulty. The sooner he figured everything out, the sooner he would be able to shut down every emotion tied to it. Tied to her.
> 
> The only problem was the source of his information. The choices were limited to begin with, but when he considered the fact that he’d pretty much exhausted almost all of his resources, he saw that he really was running out of options.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Gasp* 
> 
> Look! 
> 
> Guys, look! 
> 
> Oh my God, it's another update! And it's been less than a week! I'm so proud. And impressed. I was really excited for this chapter, though, so I'm not exactly surprised. Please enjoy your second update in a week. *does finger guns*

He needed answers. That was for sure. In fact, that was the only thing he was sure of. He needed to know what was happening to him, and _why_ it was happening. Then maybe he’d be able to function on the basic level without too much difficulty. The sooner he figured everything out, the sooner he would be able to shut down every emotion tied to it. Tied to _her._

The only problem was the source of his information. The choices were limited to begin with, but when he considered the fact that he’d pretty much exhausted almost all of his resources, he saw that he really _was_ running out of options. He wasn’t getting anywhere with the Order archives. The best they could give him was the cure for thirty-seven different fevers with symptoms similar to, but not matching, his. He was frankly too scared to get anywhere with Snoke, seeing as his master didn’t trust him when any of his symptoms were simply _mentioned._ That left Hux, and there was a real fat chance he would get anything from that man. He was about as clueless as a being could be when it came to the Force. Not only did he know nothing about it, but he was completely irreverent towards the concept of it, and cared nothing about looking into it more. Simple beings begot simple understandings, Kylo supposed.

He also supposed that if he wanted to find any answers, he was going to have to leave the ship to do so. He had one person he could think of at the moment that he figured would get him answers, though the prospect of meeting this particular person wasn’t something he enjoyed. Still, he wanted answers more than he wanted comfort at this point, so he was going to have to swallow his pride and do what he needed to do. The first problem that met him in regards to his plan was getting off the ship. Snoke did not want him leaving unless he was granted permission to do so, and for a valid reason. As a result, Hux would be keeping a sharp eye on him lest he do anything actually worth reporting to the Supreme Leader. If he did somehow manage an escape plan, his command shuttle was definitely out of the question as traveling in it would not only be like a flashing sign that he was disembarking from the ship, but would also require a crew he did not have the time nor the resources to assemble. There _were_ small planetary traveling pods in a secondary hangar on the far side of the ship. However, those pods were catalogued and closely monitored so that none could be stolen or used for recreational purposes. His third plan involved hijacking a confiscated ship, but that would not only put an Order target on his back but a universal target; not only was he stealing but the ships were logged and tracked and became wanted on every planet in every system if seen. That was pretty much all of his options, and none of them led to a way out.

The best he could do for now was lay low and wait for his opportunity to arise. He just wasn’t sure he’d be lucky enough to receive one.

* * *

He’d never been happier to be wrong. His opportunity came several days later as they prepared to solve a patrolling problem on the very planet he needed to be on. He found out by way of Hux when he was summoned to the main hangar. Apparently, there had been talk of a rebellion or an abandonment of posts, and as a result, many suspected conspirators were being removed from their posts and sent to reconditioning.

Kylo couldn’t believe his luck. In fact, he _didn’t_ believe his luck. Something was definitely going to go wrong or become difficult. When that something happened, he wasn’t surprised. He was even _prepared._

“You’ll be here monitoring their ground progress. Make sure that they get to their new posts without issue. I’ll be on the ground with them, but of course I can’t monitor every single one of them on foot…”

He continued to drone on as Kylo pretended to listen, when in reality he was thinking of ways to twist this situation so he could be where he needed to be. He decided the best thing he could do was hit all the right points of Hux’s ego and in the end, he’d basically be begging Kylo to go to the ground.

“Would it not be better if someone with more military tact was up here surveying from above?” The words were sickening to Kylo and he couldn’t _believe_ that he was sucking up to this man, but he was desperate. “I understand that you don’t trust them enough to perform this task on their own, so if you were up here-”

The redhead’s sharp features darkened as he turned to look in Kylo’s direction. “Have you ever considered,” he interrupted, “that it is not them I do not trust, but you?”

Kylo’s eyes narrowed and he looked away, swallowing his rising emotions so as not to fuel Hux’s as the redhead continued.

“If you’re here giving me updates and statistics, I know you aren’t out destroying half of my ship. I also know you aren’t sneaking off to who knows where to do who knows what with who knows who.”

“Would tracking me from the ground not make your job easier?”

Hux sighed and turned away, adjusting his jacket before clasping his hands behind his back. “I don’t know what you’re playing at, Ren, but you can’t play me. Up here, I know I have hundreds of witnesses to your behavior.”

Kylo growled internally. He had to get into that system. Granted, the best thing he had at this point was a half-baked plan that had about a zero percent chance of working, but he needed to at least be able to _try._ If Hux wouldn’t give in to flattery, he’d certainly give in if his ego was attacked.

“A little pathetic that you need the assistance of several hundred of your inferiors to do your job,” he mumbled wryly.

“A little pathetic that Supreme Leader believes that I need to do this job in the first place, but that’s not for my judgment.”

Though Hux was silent, Kylo knew he was aware that he’d bested him. He balked at him, his tampered rage flaring, but he forced himself to swallow his pride and remain silent. There had to be a way to get to the ground, and lashing out wasn’t it.

They both watched as groups of stormtroopers who'd already been on the ground tromped by, their white armor marred by streaks of dirt, mud, and tree sap. Hux’s lip curled, his face twisting into one of disgust.

“I didn't realize that the ground would be so… _unclean._ ”

Kylo resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Yes, that's usually how it works.”

Hux rolled his tongue along his lower lip in disgust before inhaling sharply and turning to Kylo. “I _suppose_ you could go to the ground. So long as we take the proper measures to ensure you're where you need to be.”

Kylo couldn't believe his ears.

“We will place a homing beacon on you, and you will escort the troops to their new posts. Have all the…corrupted individuals marked to be sent to questioning and eventually reconditioning. After you've gathered them all, come back to the ship _immediately_.”

“Yes, sir.”

Hux must have sensed the mischievous triumph in his tone because he stepped up directly in front of Kylo and narrowed his eyes. “If anything starts to go awry, I will pull the ship _with or without you._ If it's without you, there will be _hell_ to pay when we finally manage to drag you back.”

“Is that a threat, General?”

“Of course it isn't,” he said as he turned to leave. “It's a promise.”

On any other day, Hux’s parting words would’ve driven Kylo all sorts of crazy. But for now, he was too busy silently celebrating his victory to make room for Hux's snide remarks. His plan was in motion. This was happening.

* * *

They'd put the homing beacon in an “undisclosed” item of his gear. Of course it had only taken Kylo about three standard seconds to find and remove it, planting it on a supervising officer at the first opportunity. He'd snuck away as soon as he was sure no one was looking. Now, he was wandering along, counting on the trees and brush to keep him hidden from view. He wasn't sure exactly where he was headed, dependent on the guidance of the Force currently thrumming in the air around him, but he had a pretty good idea of what he'd find when he arrived.

After at least thirty minutes of floundering after impulses from the Force, he pulled back a large tree branch and spotted a crudely made, dilapidated building not a hundred paces in front of him. The corner of his lip curled upward; she was in there.

He pulled his hood far over his face, casting a shadow over his features and hiding them from anyone who may glance his way, stepping up to the door smoothly. He walked in amid the hoots and hollers of gamblers and drinkers alike, shuffling along the wall inside the small, makeshift cantina. It had been erected in the wake of the destruction of the previous one in their attack here so long ago. He used the copious amounts of people to his advantage, using their noise and his silence to scope the place for the one person he really cared about seeing. Humans and creatures alike were too invested in their own activities to pay him much heed, especially when Kylo used the help of the Force to persuade a few patrons to leave him alone when necessary. He scanned the numerous tables and counter-side chairs for the object of his searchings, but as it turned out, he didn’t need to find her; she’d already found him.

“How _dare_ you come here?”

He turned to face her, a small smirk twisting his features. “Maz Kanata. Just the woman I wanted to see. Takodana is _gorgeous_ this time of year, by the way. I see business is booming.”

Her wide brown eyes narrowed behind her goggles, “No thanks to you.” She pointed a gnarled, wrinkly finger up at him. “If you have come all the way here to cause trouble for all these people-”

He waved her hand away, scoffing at her. “There’ll be no trouble here, Maz. Just this once. I’ve come here today to discuss a more... _personal_ matter.”

The small orange woman eyed him up and down in that way of hers, making him fight _hard_ to keep from shifting under her gaze. Even though he thought himself successful in evading her judgments, an amused glint crept into her eyes, though her expression stayed guarded.

“Come,” she said, turning and beckoning towards a dark, empty corner.

He followed her, sitting down in a chair swallowed by the shadows while she pulled up a stool.

“Take off that hood, boy,” she scolded him. “Even if someone were to recognize you in here, they’d be too drunk to care.”

“I think it’s best that I don’t do that.”

Maz stared at him, her eyes still searching for...something. “Then I think it’s best that you leave.”

He glowered at her. She leaned forward, her voice low, her tone serious, “If you feel that it is so unsafe for you to be here, then why are you here at all?”

“Because I need answers!” he yelped, throwing his hood off and leaning towards her in one swift motion. “I’m...sorry. I’ll take my hood off, I’ll run laps around the building, I’ll do anything. I just need answers.”

Maz leaned back on her stool, crossing her arms. “As fun as it would be to watch you…”

She trailed off and it was silent for a moment, tense as she stared him down, her eyes boring holes in his. He refused to back down. Refused to look away. So he stared right back. Too late he realized that maybe he shouldn’t have. Her eyes widened and her face bore mixed emotions of surprise, grief, and pity.

“So, it’s true, then. Your father...he’s gone.”

Kylo stiffened and he clenched his jaw. “I don’t have to discuss this with you,” he managed to bite out.

She stared at him for a moment longer before she finally looked away, visibly deflating. “No, you don’t. That burden is for you to bear, and you alone. At least, until someone decides to share it with you.”

Kylo didn’t know what to say to that, or if he should even say _anything_ to that, so he quickly changed the subject. “Strange things have been happening to me.”

Maz shrugged. “I’ve heard so many people say that, I could populate an entire planet with them.”

“Well, I bet this is a little different.”

“And I bet it is too. But if you don’t hurry up, I’ll be dead before I get to find out.” Her voice lacked any sympathy, any softness, though her posture emulated that of an old friend simply catching up with him.

Kylo swallowed hard, ashamed that this small creature could intimidate him as much as she did. He’d leveled entire towns, entire _cities,_ but he cowered in the face of Maz Kanata? He really _was_ pathetic. “It started with...mood swings. Mood swings and thoughts that weren’t mine.”

“Thoughts that weren’t yours? How could you possibly know that?”

“Maz, I was recalling things that I’d never experienced.”

She nodded in acknowledgement, waving to encourage him to continue.

“Then, it developed into visions. Visions where I could see-” he cut off. What was he supposed to say? He wasn’t going to outright tell her everything. “I could see someone, but they couldn’t see me.”

Maz’s eyes narrowed, but she said nothing.

“Now, I think they might’ve had visions where they could see me, but I couldn’t see them. Because I _heard_ them, but I swear to you no one else was there.”

“I see. Well, you were correct; I’ve never heard anything like that from anybody before.”

“I’m - I’m not done.”

Maz sighed heavily. “Let’s have it.”

Kylo cleared his throat. “Well, you see...I think we’re sharing dreams.”

Maz’s eyes widened, then her expression sobered. “This person...are they Force-sensitive?”

“Very.”

Maz put an arm on the table, leaning so far forward her stool was tilting. “Mind giving me the name of this particular Force-user? I’m assuming you know them if you know that they _are_ , in fact, Force-sensitive.”

“Why do you need to know?”

“It would be easier to tell you what I know if I _knew_ what it is I know about the subject of your questions, Ben.”

“ _Don’t_ call me that,” he barked.

“Don’t you take that tone of voice with me, young man,” Maz countered, pointing a finger at him once again. “I was giving sage advice when you were still in diapers, I can call you what I please. Who’s the Force-sensitive?”

“It’s another human Force-user, and that’s all you need to know,” he mumbled, avoiding Maz’s gaze.

All of a sudden, Maz positively _beamed,_ and Kylo just _knew_ -

“It’s the girl, isn’t it?”

Again, Kylo wouldn’t meet her eyes. Maz chuckled as he stared down at the table, picking at the worn edges of it with his gloved thumb. Eventually, it became silent and stayed that way for so long, Kylo wondered if Maz had simply given up on his pathetic self and walked off.

He was wrong.

Instead, her hand appeared in his line of vision, taking his hand and picking it up in both of her own. Though her hands were comically dwarfed by the size of his, she possessed no awkward or intimidated air. In fact, she seemed as confident as she had ever been. He looked up at her, surprised that she had managed to make her way around the table so quietly. She smiled at him, genuinely smiled at him, for the first time since he’d been a kid.

“The Force, Ben. It’s calling you. It’s calling _her._ I don’t know why yet, and I won’t pretend to. Why should I? I’m a thousand-year-old crazy cantina owner. But I know it enough to know it’s _calling.”_ She squeezed his hands gently. “For goodness’ sake, Ben; _follow it._ Follow it wherever it leads. Even if it leads you straight to her and her Light. _Especially_ if it does. _Trust it._ It has plans for the two of you.”

Kylo didn’t know if he’d ever been so furious. How _dare_ she try to take the Darkness from him? The thing that made him stronger, less vulnerable. He ripped his hand out of hers, glaring at her with all the fury he could muster. “You know nothing of the Force.”

Though at first she seemed shocked, Maz regained her composure in record time. “Clearly neither do you, or you wouldn’t be here.”

Only infuriated further by her words, he opened and closed his mouth several times, too furious to find some of his own. Finally, he gave up, turning to storm out of the crowded place, once again throwing his hood up over his head. He didn’t need her or her ‘Trust the Force’ bantha fodder, anyway. He’d figure this out on his own.

* * *

Maz watched the young Solo leave sadly. She shook her head, a small sigh making her shoulders sag. She’d had such high hopes for him as a boy. So bright and exuberant, ready for adventure and filled with a sense of wonder, just like his father. He’d wanted to be just like Han. But he never had been quite fearless enough to do what Han did. Maz knew that one of the big reasons he’d been so averse to her advice was because of that fear, but that boy needed to push his fear down and follow where the Force led, or she feared his story would come to a rather melancholy end. Which was something she did _not_ want to witness.

As she moved to clear some of the tables, a patron in the corner caught her eye, the collar of her jacket pulled up to cover her face. But her hair was unmistakable.

A sharp pang of sorrow hit Maz in the chest, and she moved to go to the solitary figure. When she approached the table, they did not look up. Whether that was because they did not _want_ to see Maz or because they really just didn’t see her was unclear. Maz smiled sadly, patting the lonely soul on the arm.

“Leia.”

Finally, the figure looked up at her, her face older than Maz remembered and much, much sadder. The hopeful fire that usually burned behind Leia’s eyes was gone, replaced by loneliness and loss. The creases in her once-fierce and determined face were now more defined than Maz ever remembered seeing them, masking the youthful fire she knew still resided there somewhere.

“What are you doing here?”

Leia shook her head, staring down into her drink. “I don’t know.”

Maz pulled herself into a chair, folding her hands on the table and staring at them, for once unsure of what to say.

“That was him, wasn’t it?” Leia finally whispered. “He was just here. My son was here.”

Maz nodded.

Leia sighed, shuffling her drink between her hands. “I couldn’t even talk to him. Couldn’t bring myself to look at him. My own son. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at him again.”

Maz chanced a glance at Leia’s face. It was so filled with sorrow that it seemed like it had never known happiness.

“And it’s not because I’m scared. Even though I know I probably should be. It’s because I’m _angry._ Because I’m hurt.”

Maz placed one of her hands on Leia’s. “You have _every_ right to feel that way. What your son did was cruel and inhumane. It was beyond reason and any and all human decency.”

Leia looked up at Maz, and she was shocked to see tears in the princess’ eyes. “Maz, I want him _back._ Even after all he’s done, I just want him to be home again. I want him to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for my son. Ben’s always had a hard time being perfectly happy, and some of that’s probably my fault.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

Leia ignored her. “I hate seeing him this way. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think he’s going to be able to come back now.”

Maz squeezed Leia’s hand gently. “I saw your son’s eyes. I saw fear, desperation, confusion. I saw anger, and hate, and bitterness.” She lifted her hand to Leia’s shoulder. “But I also saw guilt. I saw remorse. And I saw his longing to come home.”

* * *

Kylo knocked aside another branch angrily. How dare she say those things to him? _Him?_ Didn’t she know who he was? What he’d done? She should be afraid of him, of what he could do. But of course she wasn’t. She knew him too well. Knew everyone and everything too well, if you asked Kylo. She really could say anything she wanted to him, and it would probably be true. He knew that anger wasn’t the only thing he’d been feeling. Fear had almost strangled him because he was afraid that what she’d been saying _was_ true. But it couldn’t be. It wasn’t. For once in her long, long life, Maz Kanata was wrong.

But he still hadn’t solved the problem he’d originally set out to solve. If anything, it was now worse than it was before because he would constantly be thinking that he and the scavenger were _tied_ somehow.

He kicked aside a stone. He didn’t even know where he was going, his patience wearing too thin to try and follow his Force-fueled impulses. However, he took it as a good sign that he recognized several of the things he passed, and eventually meandered his way into a clearing.

An empty clearing.

His stomach dropped. He was _sure_ this was where they’d landed. Where everyone needed to be. But there was no one. Nothing. Not even an empty ship. He saw the indention the landing skids had made in the grass, and his heart stopped and began to beat faster all at once.

They’d left already. Without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! It is a little shorter than normal, but not by too much, so I hope it doesn't bother you guys. 
> 
> As always, thank you guys so much for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's foot tapped impatiently. When he'd said he'd be gone all day, he'd really meant all day. It was getting dark and Rey was beginning to wonder if he'd even be back before the sun rose.
> 
> It didn't matter. She'd wait as long as she had to. There was no more putting this off. She was finally telling him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY, three in a month is a new record. Please be proud. 
> 
> This chapter is definitely a bit of a transitional chapter, but I hope it's still up to par with the rest of them. Just a heads up, there's a scene in this one that could come across as a little intense in my opinion, although it could just be me being paranoid. 
> 
> *SPOILERS FOR THOSE CONCERNED* Basically, Kylo is punished for his misdeeds at the end of last chapter, and Snoke is not sparing with the pain. *END SPOILERS FOR THOSE CONCERNED* 
> 
> If you're afraid something like that might bother you, you can skip that scene (pretty much everything after the first break) and then ask me any questions you have about the chapter down in the comments. 
> 
> Again, I could just be being paranoid, and often things are more emotionally intense when you're writing them because you get so caught up in everything, but I just want to make sure everyone's good. 
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!

Rey's foot tapped impatiently. When he'd said he'd be gone all day, he'd really meant _all day._ It was getting dark and Rey was beginning to wonder if he'd even be back before the sun rose.

It didn't matter. She'd wait as long as she had to. There was no more putting this off. She was finally telling him. The idea of it made her both relieved and terrified. She'd practiced what she was going to say so many times that the words made her sick. Whether that was because she was nervous about them or actually, physically ill because she'd rehearsed them so many times, she didn't know. She only knew that they had to be said perfectly, and as soon as possible so she didn't lose her nerve.

Rey sat on that rock for _hours_ waiting for Luke's return. She listened and watched for him patiently, trying hard not to count the minutes as they passed. When she finally saw him on the horizon, it was completely dark. She only knew it was him because of the dim light the stars provided.

"Luke," she sighed.

She leapt from her seat, walking slowly towards him in a small attempt to speed up the reunion. He looked incredibly surprised to see her, and hastened his pace to meet her.

"Rey?" he asked, though there was no one else it could be. "What are you doing? Have you been out here waiting all day?"

She offered a nervous chuckle as she came to a stop in front of him. "All day? No. No, of course not. All night, maybe, but certainly not all day."

His eyes widened. Rey cleared her throat, suddenly questioning why exactly she hadn't been able to wait until the next morning to do this. When her resolve started to crack, she remembered, and she pushed her doubt aside. This wasn't up for debate anymore. It had to happen.

"Lu- _Master_ Luke, there's a reason I stayed out all night waiting for you."

He looked confused and slightly anxious. "And that is…?"

"I need to talk to you about something."

His face fell and he blinked a few times in disbelief. "You stayed out here in the cold - _all night long_ \- just so you could... _talk_ to me? About what?"

Yes, she was definitely starting to see where her logic was lacking. That didn't matter right now, however, and she pushed on. "Something important."

Luke's eyebrows arched and Rey could've sworn he almost smiled. "I certainly hope so. Let's talk, then."

He moved towards the rock Rey had been sitting on moments before and sat down, patting the space next to him. When she sat down, he watched her expectantly, and she took that as invitation to begin. She swallowed thickly, folding her hands and letting them hang over her knees. She stared at them as she spoke, as it made the words come a little easier. "You may have noticed that I've been acting...strangely in the recent weeks. And there's a reason for that."

She could feel Luke's eyes boring holes in the side of her head. She shifted uncomfortably, wringing her hands; this was going to be even harder than she thought.

"I've been acting strange," she managed to continue, "because strange things have been happening to me. I - I don't know what they mean or what they are. In fact, I'm not entirely certain that they aren't just side effects of the exhaustion I've been feeling recently. I just needed to tell someone so that they'd know in case something did happen."

She chanced a glance up at Luke and his brow had furrowed. Her throat tightened.

"What kind of strange things?"

"Just... _things._ Nothing in particular, really. I've just been feeling a little off."

His mouth tightened into a thin line. He wasn't buying it. "How long has this been happening?"

Rey's mouth was suddenly very dry. "A while."

Luke shook his head. "I knew it," he mumbled. "I knew there was something going on. Why didn't you tell me? Whatever it was, we could've solved it long ago."

And there it was. He was trying to turn this on her, trying to make it seem like this was all her fault and he was just an innocent bystander that couldn't do anything about what was happening. She hadn't even told him the _really_ bad stuff, yet, and he was already acting this way. It irritated her in more ways than just one, but she had to let it slide. She wasn't going to let this veer into yet another fight. "I was scared of telling you."

"Why?"

Rey licked her lips. It was a multitude of reasons, really. She didn't know what he'd say, what he'd do, what he'd think. But one reason stood out in particular. "Because...I think it might involve your nephew."

Luke's face went grey, and his eyes became sad and far away. "What do you mean?" His words were barely a whisper.

"I-" she found herself at a loss for words.

What _did_ she mean? For all she knew, the two times she'd encountered either him or his voice could've been different manifestations of the nightmare she'd had just hours ago. And the memories she was recalling could've been her either making things up or playing through a story she'd heard about the family in her mind's eye.

But, no. The times she'd met him had been significantly different from her nightmare earlier. That had simply been a dream. The other two had been horrifyingly realistic.

"I've seen him," she finally said. "Heard him. Even though he wasn't there. I've had memories run through my head that aren't mine. I know because you were there. And Leia. And...well. I just know they weren't my memories. And other things have happened too. Things like mood swings, pain flashes. And I've had dreams, though I don't think he's any part of those, where we've discus- I mean, I've dreamt about him. Talked about him in my dreams."

Try as she might've to hide it, Luke caught her slip. "We?"

Rey sighed. "Sometimes, I have this dream where I'm in this dark place. And there's someone there with me. I don't know who it is, but we've talked. I seriously doubt that it's him. They're far too…" she wanted to say _human,_ but, keeping in mind who she was speaking to, she refrained, "laid back. They talk as if they're a normal, everyday person, not a powerful terrorist enforcer. Though they can be a bit _rude_ sometimes."

"We can't be too sure." He stood suddenly, pacing back and forth in front of Rey. "Why didn't you tell me this a long time ago? Didn't you ever think that if this isn't just something caused by stress that he could be using this against you? To track you? To find us? If I'd known, we could've tried to shut it down, but now it might be too late! We could soon have the entirety of the Order breathing down our necks, and we would never have even seen it coming!"

Rey rolled her eyes. "Do you really think-"

"I do really think, Rey! My nephew is trained in the Force in ways that you are not, and I do not doubt for a second that he would use that to his advantage."

Rey's heart began to beat faster in her chest. She didn't know if it was rage, or fear, or a mixture of both, but it didn't matter. Both were rolling into one hot ball of emotion that she would release any way she deemed necessary. She flew to her feet. "So you _seriously_ believe that we're connected somehow? That this is more than just some illness or hallucination caused by stress?"

Maybe she thought so, but hearing him imply the same was nothing short of horrifying.

"Yes!" Luke shouted, rounding on her. "The Force works in mysterious ways, and if Kylo Ren found a way to worm into your head and find you, it wouldn't surprise me in the _slightest!"_

"Oh!" Rey shouted, flinging her arms in the air. "I see! So now, because your _monstrous_ nephew pried my head open once, we must be tied together forever, right? I get it now! _How_ could I have been so foolish?"

"Rey, look at the facts!" Luke pointed to an invisible object far in the distance. "Look at what's happening! Think about it!"

"I _am_ thinking about it! I think I might be the only one here who really _is!"_

"How do you know what he's capable of? How are you sure that this isn't something he's doing?" Luke insisted.

"That's rich! Next, he'll be the one in my dreams, too!"

"How do you know that he _isn't?"_

Rey scoffed, folding her arms, though the thought sent ice through her veins and caused her stomach to turn. "Now you're just being ridiculous," she mumbled.

He stopped pacing and turned slowly to face her. "Am I?" he said, his voice dangerously low.

"Even if you aren't" Rey answered, her voice as dark as his, "it's not entirely my fault that I've held off this long. You're not exactly the most _inviting_ man I've ever met. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd react like _this."_

_"Don't you think I have the right?"_

Rey's eyes widened. "Don't _you_ have the right?" she whispered, her tone incredulous. "What about _me?_ _I_ should be the one freaking out, not you! It's _my_ head! It's _my_ life!"

"Your life isn't the only one jeopardized by the incidents this could cause! You have to think of the Resistance, of everyone who's on our side that's been involved with you in any way! They could be affected by this, too!"

"THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING FOR WEEKS!" she roared. "Don't you think that if something were going to happen, it already would have? Besides, it's not like this is the first time I've tried to tell you! Just the other night, I tried, but you wouldn't even open the door!"

He looked confused for a moment, prompting Rey to believe that maybe he hadn't even been present when she'd arrived at his hut, but even so, she didn't care. He should have been.

"The only reason I'm even _telling_ you about all of this is so I can get it off my chest and stop thinking about how I should tell someone! I've been having nightmares about it, Luke. About him. It's been bothering me, scaring me so much, that I can't stop thinking about it, even when I nod off."

"How do you know that your nightmares aren't the same as your dreams about him?"

Though both of their voices had been brought down, the tenseness of their postures had not relaxed in the slightest.

"I don't really know if my dreams even have anything to do with everything else that's been going on. They feel...different. I couldn't explain it to you, but I know the nightmare I just had was only a nightmare. But these dreams...they're recurring." She looked down at her hands again. "They feel...I don't know how to describe it. I don't want to say _real_ because they're dreams, but that's probably as close as I can get to describing it. I just don't know."

When she looked back up at Luke, his eyes had gone wide. There was definite fear in them. "And you said you had mood swings? Thoughts that weren't yours? Visions?"

"Y-yes...why?"

Luke's face changed in a way that made her stomach twist. He turned abruptly, swiftly making his way back down the hill. For a few moments, Rey was dumbstruck, frozen to the spot in sheer shock. Eventually, she regained her senses and frowned, running to follow him.

"Hey," she panted when she reached him, "what are you doing? Where are you going?"

"I need to discuss this with someone else."

Rey had the urge to stop dead once again, but knew she'd lose Luke entirely if she did so. "Someone else? Why would you need to speak about this to _someone else?_ It's happening to _me."_

This time, Luke stopped, turning to face her. His eyes were wild but his face was once again a mask of calm. "I think I know what's happening to you, but I need a second opinion that I can't get from here."

Rey's eyebrows shot up her forehead. "Wait, you know what's happening? What? What is it?"

"I can't tell you," Luke shook his head. "I don't know for sure."

Rey sighed. "Can you at least tell me where you're going?"

Luke wouldn't meet her eyes. He shifted for a few moments before whispering. "The Resistance base. I have to go there to meet Maz and Leia. They might not know much either, but all of us together may know enough."

Rey's spirits soared and she fought to keep a smile off her face. They were going back to the Resistance. They were going back to Finn! "That's amazing! I'll be right back, I just need to go grab a few things-"

As she turned to leave, Luke caught her arm. "You're not coming with me, Rey," he said quietly.

She deflated. "What?"

"You're not coming with me," he repeated.

Her face flushed and she yanked her arm out of his grip. "And just why not?"

Luke looked more uncomfortable than Rey had ever seen him. "No one knows we're here, so it's okay for us to be here, both of us, in one spot. But there...the First Order is constantly trying to pin down their location. If what's happening to you is what I think it is, they would be able to find it. And if they were to find the base and attack, and we were _both_ there, along with most everyone in the Resistance? All hope of taking down the Order would be lost."

Rey's mouth fell open. She didn't believe it. He was leaving her here? Alone? After everything she'd just told him? After she'd spilled everything she possibly could, he was taking off. And he _knew_ how much she wanted to see Finn. How much she wanted to see if he was all right. But he didn't care. He was too worried about saving his own skin. Rage boiled in her stomach. "Right. Fine. Run off. I don't care. Leave me here alone. Maybe I'll get lucky and your idiot nephew will come and put me out of my misery."

His stance softened and he reached for her. "Rey, you don't mean that-"

"How would you know? Oh, that's right, you don't care."

_"Rey-"_

"Just go, Luke. I don't care anymore either."

He opened his mouth again but she turned to leave. _"Go."_

She stalked off. There wasn't anything she had left to say. And apparently neither did Luke, because thirty standard minutes later, the only ship on the island took off, and she was stuck and alone.

* * *

"Supreme Leader will see you now."

Kylo turned to look as the droid repeated itself before leaving. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He was in huge trouble. He was in so much trouble, it scared him. He had been caught sneaking off. Not only that, but he had no explanation as to where or why he'd gone.

He would be surprised if he managed to live through this session with Snoke.

His stomach dropped with his every step as he trudged down the hall. He was going to die. He could _feel_ it. Of course, this was the way he always felt when he went to receive punishment, but this time, he was more than a little nervous. There was no way Snoke was going to let him live this time. He would be punished heavily, probably with pain. But it isn't like he didn't deserve whatever he got. He'd crossed a line. He'd broken a rule.

Still, the trip to the training room wasn't anywhere near long enough. Snoke was present when he walked in, sprawled in his chair with Hux at his side. Hux's hat was in his hands, the smug smile Kylo knew he wanted to wear hidden not-so-deep beneath the surface.

"Kylo Ren."

His attention was drawn upward and away from Hux, the voice sending shivers down his spine. The door shut hard behind him and he flinched, but he tried to walk to the center of the room with as much dignity as he could muster. He froze for a moment when he reached the foot of the throne, then he knelt, ducking his head. "Supreme Leader, I-"

_"Shut up."_

Kylo swallowed thickly and pressed his lips together.

"Stand up like a man, you pathetic excuse of a pupil."

Kylo pulled himself into a standing position, curling his hands into fists to try and fight off the sense of impending doom. Snoke turned to look at Hux. "General, your presence is no longer needed. You may go."

Hux placed his hat back on his head and stepped into the center of the room next to Kylo, glancing at him sideways before bowing and turning to leave. Kylo listened to his steps as he left, each one like a hammer pounding the nails into his metaphorical coffin. Though the company wasn't exactly friendly, it had still acted as a barrier between him and his master's fury. Now that he was gone, Kylo was alone.

As soon as the door shut behind Hux, pain bloomed in every part of Kylo's body. He swallowed a shout of both surprise and discomfort.

"What _exactly_ were you doing when you wandered off?"

"Supreme Leader, I-" he began through his teeth.

"I do not want excuses, I want an explanation! What were you doing?"

Kylo attempted to take a deep breath through his nose as the pain continued to spread, but that only caused it to increase. "I thought...that I'd...noticed a...a stormtrooper...wandering off...Supreme Leader," he managed to grit out. "I...wanted...to follow him...to make sure...he wasn't...conspiring."

For a precious moment, the pain lessened, and Kylo thought that maybe Snoke believed him. No sooner had he thought this, however, than the pain came back, worse this time.

_"Lies."_

"No-" Kylo choked, folding to his knees. "It's...it's the truth."

The pain spiked and he failed to bite back a cry.

"Why do you continue to _lie?"_

Kylo opened his mouth in attempt to answer, but the only sound that escaped was another sharp cry of pain. It was getting worse.

"What was your exit _really_ about?"

He could only answer in a strangled noise from the back of his throat. Every move, every _breath,_ pained him. It coursed through every fiber of his being.

"Was it about escaping?"

He shook his head. A mistake. It only hurt him. Now, he was panting, gasping for air. This also hurt him, but he had to breathe, had to form a response. He couldn't, and Snoke _had_ to know this. Still, the pain became more intense.

"Were you meeting someone?"

It felt like every muscle in his body was screaming. Every bone shattering. His throat was closing up. It was getting worse. So much worse. How?

"What was it?"

Kylo didn't know it was possible to be in this much pain.

"TELL ME!" Snoke bellowed.

The pain finally reached a peak and Kylo began to scream. He couldn't do anything else. Everything in him hurt. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and the world was spinning. He became dizzy, nauseous. He felt like he was going to throw up, and as he staggered around on his hands and knees, everything became so fuzzy, he wasn't entirely sure he hadn't done so.

Eventually, he collapsed. He was in a heap on the ground, writhing in pain, his screams echoing around the room and in his head. Pain was the only thing he knew, the only thing he was sure of. His eyes were shut tight, tears of sheer agony still managing to escape from behind his eyelids.

"Only you can make this end! Only you can make this all go away! Just give me the real reason you left, and I'll pluck it from your head!"

The pain in his temples increased as Snoke forced his way inside his mind, and for some reason, Kylo found himself unwilling to give up the real reason. He didn't want Snoke to know about his strange connection, and he especially didn't want him to know it was with the scavenger girl. Telling him seemed almost...wrong.

But he gave it up, anyway. The part about finding answers about his connection, that is. He concentrated all his remaining efforts on keeping the bit about the scavenger tucked safely away from prying eyes. He couldn't have kept both secrets safe if he'd tried. The pain he was in was too intense. And besides, that was the only piece of information Snoke was asking for. Kylo hadn't left to find the girl, he'd left to find answers. Snoke didn't need to know about her quite yet.

"I see…" his master finally droned.

Slowly…slowly, the pain began to recede. Kylo allowed himself to breathe, and he let his guard down completely, his body and mind both concentrating on recovering from its recent ordeal. He sat up slowly, trying to at least make it to his hands and knees. Too late, Kylo realized he shouldn't have relaxed so hastily. Snoke wasn't yet out of his head, and now the part about the girl was out in the open for anyone who cared to look. Terror engulfed him as he felt Snoke pull that bit of information from his head.

"What is this?"

As soon as he'd deciphered the information, Snoke's rage returned tenfold.

As did the pain.

_"WHAT?"_

Kylo crumpled. Ringing began in his ears, drowning out everything his master shouted. It was only his screams and the ringing. He curled in on himself, rolling onto his side to try and ease the pain, to break away from it, but it only increased.

How was he still conscious? Why hadn't he passed out? Snoke was probably going to great lengths to make sure he didn't. To make sure he was awake and aware so he _felt_ the pain.

Seconds stretched into minutes, and minutes into what felt like years, and still the pain stayed. Snoke's voice still echoed around them, suppressed in comparison to Kylo's.

_Make it stop. Make it stop._

He tried to dissociate, tried to pull away from the pain, but there was nowhere he could go. No way to make it stop.

_Make it stop. Make it stop. Please._

Then suddenly, a flicker.

It happened so quickly, Kylo was almost sure it hadn't happened. When it happened again, he was sure he was just starting to black out from the pain. But then it continued to happen. They became longer and closer together. Then suddenly the image showed itself clearly, and for the briefest of moments, his pain was the furthest thing from his mind. He could see the scavenger writhing in pain. Soon, the screams that filled his ears were not his own. They were _hers._

She was feeling this. This...whatever it was they had, was causing her to feel the same pain he was. She was in horrible pain for something she hadn't even done.

Kylo found himself capable of producing the courage it took to do something he never thought he'd be able to do.

"S-stop," he wheezed. "Stop."

 _"What_ did you say?"

_"Stop."_

And stop it did. But not for very long.

 _"You_ are telling _me_ to stop?"

"Please…" he begged. "Please...just stop…"

"How _dare_ you? HOW _DARE_ YOU?"

And for the third time, the pain resumed.

 _"I will spare you when I see fit and not a moment sooner!_ You should know better!"

Abruptly, the pain ceased its throbbing and remained constant.

"And I think you do. So…"

The pain stopped and Kylo sagged. He was finally allowed to breathe and relax, if only for the next few minutes.

"Why did you ask me to stop when I believed you to be above such idiotic requests?"

Kylo swallowed hard. The next words out of his mouth were absolute truth, and he really didn't know if he should've stuck with it or just lied instead. "I…I don't - know."

"You don't…know?"

Snoke leaned forward in his seat and pain began to creep in again. Kylo panicked. "No, no I swear…I don't know! It won't ever…happen…again. I promise. I - I'm sorry."

"Stand up."

Kylo somehow managed to drag himself to his feet, trying hard to meet Snoke's eyes.

"You went off to learn about a connection you have with the _scavenger._ Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you come to me? I should be the _only_ person you come to with questions regarding the Force."

"I know, Supreme Leader."

"You have been lying to me, Kylo Ren. I have been lenient with you this time, but next time...do not expect so much graciousness."

"I understand, Supreme Leader."

Snoke leaned back in his throne. "You seem to be making a lot of poor choices lately. That will change. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

"And as for the scavenger, we will discuss her later. For now, however, I'm tired. As soon as I am ready to discuss it, we will discuss it. Then, and not a moment after."

Kylo didn't have time to respond before the image flickered and disappeared, leaving him to collapse back to the floor, out cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yep. Definitely transitional. Ish is about to get real, y'all. 
> 
> But seriously though, thank you for reading! I wouldn't be motivated at all to do this if it weren't for you guys, believe me. Thank you!
> 
> On a side note, I have been writing a lot recently (mostly because I finally sort of have the time), but because of this, I have exhausted all the songs I listen to while I write. If you guys have any suggestions (especially anything you think says "Reylo" ;P), I'd be happy to hear them! This girl's ears need something new!
> 
> Until next chapter!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, you have been experiencing some...irregularities. Please, tell me what exactly this entails.”
> 
> Kylo shifted slightly but righted himself when he became aware. “I’ve had visions. Dreams. That’s all I-”
> 
> “Visions of what? Dreams of who? You know where I am trying to get, Kylo Ren. It would do you well to take the reins and lead the way.”
> 
> Kylo cleared his throat and fought hard to keep from shifting again. “Visions of the scavenger, Supreme Leader. Dreams about and including her.”
> 
> “And how long ago was the first?”
> 
> He could feel himself shrinking. “About a standard month ago,” he said as quietly as he dared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know it took a little while for me to update, and hopefully y'all are excited, so I'll leave my list of notes for the bottom.
> 
> Enjoy!

“So, you have been experiencing some...irregularities. Please, tell me what  _ exactly _ this entails.”

Kylo shifted slightly but righted himself when he became aware. “I’ve had visions. Dreams. That’s all I-”

“Visions of  _ what?  _ Dreams of  _ who? _ You know where I am trying to get, Kylo Ren. It would do you well to take the reins and lead the way.”

Kylo cleared his throat and fought hard to keep from shifting again. “Visions of the scavenger, Supreme Leader. Dreams about and including her.”

“And how long ago was the first?”

He could feel himself shrinking. “About a standard month ago,” he said as quietly as he dared.

This time, Snoke was the one to shift. His frustration was mounting and palpable. Kylo swallowed hard, determined to stand firm, but this was going south faster than he’d thought possible. Not only had he lied about his reasons for wanting to visit Takodana, but he’d lied about his experiences, too. That was a lot more lies than were usually acceptable, which meant little leniency.

“I see,” Snoke finally sighed. “Why did you wait so long before you thought it prudent to share this information with me?”

There was a multitude of reasons, really, though Kylo was sure Snoke wasn’t asking for the grocery list. Because he didn’t really know what it was or if it was something to worry about. Because he was afraid of how Snoke would react. And partially because he wanted to find out more about it before Snoke completely shut it down. He wanted to know what was happening to him and for once be able to handle it himself, not have someone else dictate what would happen for him. He decided to go with the first answer, as he found it placed less blame on both parties and would therefore be more likely to smooth things over. 

“I wasn’t certain it was something I should worry you with. I didn’t want you worrying about something that could’ve been brought on by something as simple as fever or exhaustion when you have more important matters to occupy your time.  I believed that the episodes would pass.”

“Clearly they did not.” It hadn’t worked. Snoke was still beyond enraged. “And when it persisted, you chose not to come to  _ me,  _ but to the owner of a cantina, who is  _ known _ to favor the ideals of the Resistance! A power we are trying to end!” Snoke slammed his fist on the arm of his throne. “Or have you forgotten our goal?”

Now, Kylo stepped forward, his fear left behind in the wake of his anger and frustration. “I have far from forgotten, Supreme Leader. In fact, I was thinking of it when I went to find out more about this...connection. If I can learn more about it and maybe even learn to  _ control _ it, then I could possibly use it for our gain.”

Did he mean any of this? No, not most of it. The only thing that was true was that he’d far from forgotten their goal, but now instead of inspiring and driving him, it plagued him. But this seemed to be the best thing to say to appease Snoke, and it was. 

He sat back in his throne, bringing his hands up to his lips, his fingers steepled. He was silent for several moments, his already gnarled face exaggeratedly so in his concentration. Kylo allowed himself to be hopeful. Finally, Snoke leaned forward slightly, bringing his hands back to rest in his lap. “Maybe the errors made in your judgment are forgivable if they were really made because you were thinking of our benefit as you claim. However, you are not to make decisions on how to further handle this situation without first consulting me. Do you understand?”

Kylo gave a curt nod, though he far from agreed with the parameters that had just been set for him. In fact, they were the exact opposite of what he wanted. But he still managed to force out a small, “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

Snoke nodded, shifting once again in his throne. “Good. Now...about the girl. What exactly have you seen of her in these visions?”

Kylo’s throat went dry. He licked his lips. Why was he so nervous? He was in the clear now; all he had to do was tell Snoke all he knew. That way, he could save his skin for sure, and not worry about it. But for some reason, this was hard. A lot harder than he thought it should be.

He didn’t like that.

“Nothing of importance, really. They were no more than mere glimpses of her.”

Not a lie...not freely giving any information. Vague. Good.

“Was she ever training? Learning? Fighting?”

Kylo sucked back a groan. “Not that I could see, Supreme Leader.”

_ Please be done, please be done, please be done. _

Snoke was silent and Kylo took the opportunity to end the conversation. He took a few steps backwards, prepared to leave before Snoke could stop him. “I’m sorry I could not be of more assistance-”

“I am not finished.”

Kylo clamped his mouth shut, planting his feet once again. He just needed this to be  _ over. _

“Did you ever see Skywalker?”

Kylo tensed. His tongue ran along his bottom lip as he shoved down all the negative emotions the name brought up. “No.”

Snoke’s irritation returned, though Kylo didn’t see why it had the right to do so. Snoke knew how he felt about his uncle, how he felt about his whole family. Why would he bring them up? “Are you sure you saw nothing?”

“I told you I did not see him.”

Snoke sighed. “I understand your unwillingness to discuss him, but if you have any information regarding Skywalker, I need to know!”

“I have not seen him Supreme Leader!” Kylo spat. “Not once! Not in years! And I do not wish it any other way! I am giving you these answers honestly, though you know they are painful for me to give, yet you continue to demand more, always more!”

Snoke was caught off guard. Kylo was crossing a line and he was  _ not  _ happy.  _ “That is no way to speak to me.” _

Kylo didn’t care. He was sick of this. Of being told what to do. Of being treated like a child. Like a slave. Like a liability. 

“I always try to do as you ask! What more would you like from me?”

“That is enough.”

But it wasn’t, it  _ wasn’t. _ Why did he refuse to look at this from Kylo’s point of view? Why did he refuse to acknowledge that Kylo was just as scared and confused about all of this as he was, maybe even more so?

“What more can you ask of me? What more can I  _ do?” _

“I said enough!”

Pain seized Kylo and he froze, the words he wished he could say caught in the back of his throat. Snoke leaned forward in his chair, far enough forward that Kylo could see every grotesque line in the man’s face. “You will not  _ ever _ speak to me in that way again. Do I make myself clear?”

Kylo nodded to the best of his ability.

“As for what more you can do...if it’s what I think it is, you can use this connection. You can develop it, master it. You can use it to find the girl. And this time, if you can’t bring her back....”

The pain intensified for a brief moment. 

“...I want you to kill her.”

* * *

Kill her.

Why did the very thought make his blood run cold? It should excite him. He should be drawn towards the instruction, not repelled by it. In fact, he shouldn’t have even had to be instructed. It should have been his instinct, his desire. So why wasn’t it? Why was it something he dreaded?

What was it about this seemingly insignificant, infuriating little desert rat that made him squirm? Sure, she was strong with the Force, stronger than anyone Kylo had encountered, and, sure, her strength and resilience was astonishing for someone her size, all this without even mentioning her cleverness and ability to evade capture. But that should make him even more desperate to kill her and keep his title safe. So why couldn’t he kill her?

There weren’t any explanations he’d really allow himself to consider. 

Why did he have to make everything so difficult for himself? Why couldn’t he just perform the tasks he was asked to perform and leave it at that? Why couldn’t he have led a simple life? Why had it gone this way?

Why did he feel like even if he knew how, even if he wanted to, he’d never be able to fix it?

He sure wished he knew.

* * *

Thoughts raced through Finn’s head. Two weeks since he’d recovered enough to leave the medbay, and already he was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of responsibilities he’d had thrown at him. Now, to top everything off, he’d just been informed that Luke would be arriving on base shortly. Of course, this small bit of news had sent everyone occupying the base into an uproar. The Jedi hadn’t been seen by anyone in years, and now he was going to be on the base. 

Finn would be lying if he said the prospect of seeing this legend was what made him nervous now. He knew it sounded foolish, but he didn’t care about seeing the Jedi. He only cared about seeing Rey. He was holding out the hope that she would be accompanying her new master, though he doubted that she would be allowed to take time away from what was probably a rigorous training schedule. He just wanted to see her. Wanted to know for sure that she was all right after everything they’d been through. 

But of course she was. Luke would’ve made sure of that. Right?

“Finn?”

Leia’s voice behind him caused him to freeze. He spun to face her, his eyebrows knitting together.

“Yes, General?”

She quirked a brow. He cleared his throat and corrected himself. “Yes, Leia?”

“I didn’t want to bother you, but Luke said that he wanted you to be there when he spoke with me. I figure that can only mean one thing.”

“Rey.”

She offered him a small, fleeting smile. Quick as it was, even half of one was rare anymore, and Finn couldn’t help but smile broadly back. Neither of them knew anything about what was to be discussed, but Finn didn’t care. As long as he got to see Rey, he would be fine. 

Soon, Leia’s smile fell, and Finn, noticing this, sighed. “How do you feel about all this?”

She spoke quietly. “I haven’t seen my brother in years. And now he just decides to pay a visit? I keep trying to convince myself it’s only a visit for Rey’s sake, but I just have this feeling I can’t shake. And what if he’s different? What if he’s not my brother anymore? A lot has happened since he left. I’m just nervous, I guess.”

Finn nodded. He wished he knew what to do to comfort her. If he were Poe, the answer would be simple. Leia and Poe were like family to each other. But as far as comforting someone went, Finn was pretty clueless. He’d never really been allowed to comfort anyone when he’d been a stormtrooper, and he’d never really been comforted before, himself. So the best he could give Leia was an awkward pat on the shoulder. “I’ll be right there, if you need anything.”

To his surprise, Leia chuckled. “When I’ve got no one else, I’ll always have you, won’t I?”

“You bet.”

“General Organa!”

They both whirled to face the voice and saw a young man running toward them, his eyes wide. “Luke Skywalker, ma’am. He’s - he’s arrived. He requested your presence” -he gestured to the both of them- “as well as Poe Dameron’s, immediately.”

“Thank you,” Leia said, all the blood running from her face.

She turned to Finn as the man scampered off. “I’ll go find Poe and meet you in the main hangar. Luke will be there and we can talk wherever he chooses.”

She turned to go, but Finn caught her shoulder. “Leia, you should be the one to greet him. Not me. I’ll go find Poe.”

She stared at him, her eyes pleading, and he almost gave in and let her go. 

“It’s for the best,” he insisted. 

Leia sighed. “I suppose you’re right. I’m being ridiculous; Luke’s my brother. I’ll be fine.”

She turned towards the main hangar and Finn stopped her one last time. “Leia?”

“Yes?”

“Good luck.”

She offered him another small smile and walked off. Finn grinned and rushed off to find Poe.

_ I’m coming, Rey. _

* * *

As she approached the landing bay, Leia’s stomach churned. What if this was a complete disaster? What if she saw him and had nothing to say? What if he was coming with more bad news? What if he wasn’t the same?

She stopped herself. That wasn’t fair. She wasn’t the same either. A lot of things had certainly happened since they’d last seen each other. Things had changed. But they were still family. And they would still have each other’s backs. 

Still, as she rounded the corner into the large hangar, negative thoughts continued to swirl mercilessly through her head. Then she looked up and there he was. 

Everything else around her seemed to fade away, Her brother was the only thing she could see. He looked so different, so much older than she remembered. His face was much wearier. Their gazes met, and by the look on his face, she could tell his thoughts were much the same. Regardless, his eyes brightened. 

“Leia.”

“Luke.” It was a sigh of relief. A breath of fresh air. 

She rushed toward him, stopping abruptly just a few inches away. Their eyes searched each other’s faces for a few moments before they embraced, Leia allowing herself to be vulnerable for the briefest of seconds. It had been so long since she’d been hugged by someone she loved. The last time she could think of was…

“I’ve missed you so much.” Luke’s voice forced her out of her musings. 

“Where did you go?  _ Why _ did you go?”

Luke wrapped his arms tighter around her. “I’m so sorry, Leia. After what happened...I had to go.”

“Luke-’

She was interrupted by Finn’s shouts as he flew into the hangar. Luke all but jumped away from Leia, and she swayed for a moment before regaining her balance. 

“Rey! Rey, I’m here! I’m here-”

“But she is not,” Luke interjected as Finn approached. 

Poe, who had been following close behind, had been wearing a grin that was now fading fast. Finn looked almost hurt by this development. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that she isn’t here. I couldn’t bring her.”

“Why, is something wrong?” Finn’s eyes were wild with fear. “Please tell me she’s okay.”

Luke held up a hand, effectively quieting the whole group. “All things we will discuss as soon as Maz arrives. I wanted the two of you to be present,” he gestured behind Leia towards Finn and Poe, “because she seemed to ask about you an awful lot. I figured you two must mean something to her.”

Poe and Finn shared a look, but Leia continued staring at her brother. Her heart was racing. “Why isn’t Rey with you, Luke? Did - did Ben-?”

“No! No, he - he didn’t-” Luke deflated and seemed to grow another ten years older right before her eyes. “I didn’t bring her because I wasn’t sure if it was safe for us to be in such a place together. I didn’t want to put anyone in danger.”

“Is Rey dangerous?” Poe had pushed in front of Finn, his eyes wide.

Luke quickly shook his head. “No, no. No, I don’t think so. It’s...I-” He paused, seeming to try and collect himself. “This would all be much easier to explain if we waited until Maz got here so I could start from the beginning.”

The two boys behind her started to protest but Leia waved them off. She nodded, as much as she wanted to know what was wrong. Patience got you far. “Okay, then.” 

They fell into an awkward, tense silence, and they waited. 

* * *

When Maz finally arrived, Luke let out a long breath. Relief coursed through him as she exited her shuttle, and he walked to meet her. She shuffled up to him, looking him up and down before grinning in that crooked way of hers. “Luke Skywalker. It certainly has been a long time.”

“Too long.”

She nodded, pointing a finger up at him. “And through no fault of my own, might I add.”

As they walked back to the group, he sighed. “Maz, I need your help.”

Another crooked grin. “Do you ever call me for anything else? I assumed so.”

“I’m just glad you came.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

He didn’t answer. Upon reaching the group, he asked Leia where she preferred they speak, and she turned to lead the way. As they walked, he could practically see the gears turning in the small orange woman’s head. Did she already know what he wanted to ask about? If so, that was a pretty good sign that this was what he thought it was. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it sooner.

They soon arrived at Leia’s private quarters, which, while larger than most other cabins, was very small. Still, they all managed to file in and get seated comfortably before Luke stood and voiced his concerns. 

“As you are all aware, Rey is not with me. However, this meeting is entirely for her benefit.”

They all watched him intently, the anxious energy in the room building with every second that ticked by.

“Recently, Rey informed me of something she had been experiencing, and when she described it...it brought up some concerns. I thought I should get a second opinion on the matter before I jumped to any conclusions, however, and that’s why I’m here now.”

Again, he paused, and again, no one said anything. Maz had a strange look on her face that Luke recognized from the hall, and the other three were still as nervous as ever. 

“She told me that she’d been having these thoughts and feelings. That she’d been having visions. She told me about some strange dreams, as well.”

At this, Maz shifted, but still, she said nothing.

“And she told me that the person she’d been thinking about, the person she’d been having visions of,” he turned to Leia, “was Kylo Ren.”

Her eyes widened briefly in response, but then, just like that, her face was a mask, unburdened by emotion or thoughts. 

_ “What?” _ Poe mouthed, at about the same time that Finn shouted, “Why  _ him?” _

Several more things were shouted by the two, but Leia seemed unaware of the conversation, and Maz seemed to be unenthused by it. When the boys had finished spouting their indignance, Luke turned to Maz. “She insists that the person she speaks with in her dreams is  _ not _ the same man, but I simply believe that too good to be true. In my opinion, there’s really only one thing it can be.”

Maz nodded in answer. “They’ve been bonded by the Force.”

The silence that followed was deafening.

Luke could’ve sworn Poe’s jaw hit the floor. Finn’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. Sensing an oncoming riot, Luke held a hand up to deter them. “All in due time, gentlemen. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Maz...that’s a large conclusion to draw from this. Are we  _ sure,  _ beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is what’s happening?”

Maz nodded. “The boy came to me with the same problems not long ago. It can’t be a coincidence; this is what they were meant for.”

“Is there a way to stop this? To change it? To take it away from her?”

Poe had to place a hand on Finn’s shoulder to contain him. He was  _ furious. _ The fact that his nephew could evoke such a response made Luke feel as hopeless about the situation as he ever had. Maz, however, simply waved him off. 

“I’m sure if you searched long enough, there would be some way to stop it, and if worst came to worst, I’m sure the death of one of them would do the trick just fine. But,” she turned to look Finn straight in the eye, “if this is what the Force wills, who are we to interfere?”

“All due respect, ma’am,” Poe interrupted, stepping forward, “but I think it’s just fine to interfere if it’s to keep Rey safe from some sort of...of-” his hand waved as he scrounged for a way to politely get his point across.

“Monster?”

Leia’s voice was barely above a whisper, and it was clear that what she’d said had hurt her. The room fell into a silence, thick and tense and palpable. Luke wanted nothing more than to comfort his sister, but he couldn’t help admitting that she was right. He’d borne witness to the things his nephew had done, and though there were probably things that could have been done to prevent the situation, the decisions his nephew had made were made all on his own. There was probably no hope for him now.

Maz seemed to feel differently.

“Have you ever considered that this is his chance for redemption?” she whispered.

Finn seemed to almost trip over himself in his rage as he stepped toward Maz. “Have  _ you _ considered that this is the Order’s chance to slaughter the only real hope we have left? Our one real and equal opponent for that man? Their chance to  _ kill _ Rey? Or, they could even have the gall to take it a step further and manipulate and turn her against all of us, just like they do with everyone else they manage to catch in their grip.”

“Finn’s right,” Leia mumbled, burying her face in her hands.

Maz shook her head and sighed, lifting herself from her seat and making her way towards Leia. “As much as I love that boy,” she said, “no, he’s not.”

She took Leia’s face in her hands and lifted it so she could look her in the eyes. “Leia, my dear, you need to have more faith. More faith in your son. More faith in Rey. More faith in the Force. It knows what it’s doing.”

Luke was heartbroken to see tears forming in his sister’s eyes. “I certainly hope so.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, so we got some new perspectives! Hopefully, you guys liked those. If you did, there will definitely be more. 
> 
> My writing schedule has been thrown incredibly out of whack because school started and it's like my life has been thrown into overdrive. I will try my hardest to get these updates out reasonably, but please know that if they aren't coming incredibly fast, it's not because anything's wrong, I'm just incredibly busy. 
> 
> And, third note, just because I'm paranoid. Will you guys want me to continue this after The Last Jedi premiers? It's already severely canon-divergent, and will only continue to be that way down the road. I certainly wouldn't mind continuing and eventually (hopefully) finishing this fic. Just kind of wanted you guys' opinion. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loneliness. Why was this feeling she was so accustomed to still just as hard to bear as it had been when she’d first started experiencing it?
> 
> There was nothing for her to do here alone. No one for her to talk to. No one for her to discuss with what had happened.
> 
> It had come on suddenly. Out of nowhere. Like it were activated by a button or switch. Pain. Excruciating, indescribable, unbearable pain. She’d collapsed, dropped to the ground and almost hit her head on a rock, but she wouldn’t have noticed. She’d been in so much pain it was dizzying. She’d rolled on the ground, trying any way she knew how to alleviate the pain. She’d screamed her throat raw. She’d cried so hard her eyes burned. It seemed to last a lifetime. Then it had stopped.
> 
> But not for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here! I feel like it's overdue, but it's here. I found the time. It's done.
> 
> Also, thank you for saying you'd still like this story to continue, even after TLJ is released. I really hope I'm still motivated to write afterwards, but if anything I will probably be so pumped, I'll crank out the rest of the story in a month, lol. 
> 
> *lays finished product at your feet*
> 
> I hope you like it! Please, enjoy!

The ship was cold and metallic as it ever was, but Kylo was burning up. Alone in his quarters aboard the shuttle, he’d pulled off everything but his shirt and pants, but he was still so warm. Too warm. His throat was sore, his mouth dry, and his palms were clammy. Guilt roiled his stomach for reasons he couldn’t fathom.

‘Get ahold of yourself, Kylo,’ he bullied himself. ‘This isn’t difficult. You want this. You _need_ this.’

His orders had been simple. Get a ship, get a crew, gather a squadron of ‘troopers, and find the girl. It would certainly be easy enough; he’d only have to seek out her Force signature and then follow it like a string leading directly to her. And it was scarily easy to pick out. It shone like a beacon, almost tugging at him. He’d half hoped that it would be hard to find. That it would be hidden, buried beneath the signatures of trillions of other life forms. He didn’t know who he was kidding. The girl’s signature was significantly stronger than that of some other Force users. Compared to the average life forms that occupied most of the planets in the galaxy, she was an entire star to their insignificant little blips of light. She outshone them all.

Snoke insisted that this wasn’t the case for him, that he couldn’t sense her at all, but Kylo suspected he was lying. He had to be. There was no way that he could not sense what was right in front of him like that. But Snoke blamed his sensitivity on the connection the two of them shared. Kylo wasn’t sure if he totally believed this connection even existed, but whatever satisfied Snoke…

He just didn’t understand how a signature so unique could be hard to sense.

‘Oh, little scavenger,’ he thought, not without a hint of pity, ‘I hope you are ready to run.’

* * *

Loneliness. Why was this feeling she was so accustomed to still just as hard to bear as it had been when she’d first started experiencing it?

There was nothing for her to do here alone. No one for her to talk to. No one for her to discuss with what had happened.

It had come on suddenly. Out of nowhere. Like it were activated by a button or switch. Pain. Excruciating, indescribable, unbearable pain. She’d collapsed, dropped to the ground and almost hit her head on a rock, but she wouldn’t have noticed. She’d been in so much pain it was dizzying. She’d rolled on the ground, trying any way she knew how to alleviate the pain. She’d screamed her throat raw. She’d cried so hard her eyes burned. It seemed to last a lifetime. Then it had stopped.

But not for long.

On and off again a few more times, and the whole time, she’d believed she was going to die. She didn’t know why it was happening, didn’t know why it wouldn’t stop, but she’d _known_ she wasn’t going to make it. So when she’d finally been released from the hold of pain, the last thought in her head before she’d passed out was, ‘I’m dying.’

Of course, she’d discovered when she’d woken up that she had not, in fact, been dying, but she’d been so achy that it hurt to get up and make her way back to her hut. She’d been so exhausted when she’d finally made it back, but she was too afraid to fall asleep. She was too afraid to do anything. Too afraid to move, almost too afraid to breathe. She didn’t leave her hut, didn’t even leave her _cot_ , for an entire day. Even now, she was shaky whenever she moved, always on alert for whenever the next wave of pain hit her, terrified out of her wits. She was scared, and there was no one there to comfort her.

She _wanted_ Finn. However, she knew she wouldn’t be able to get to him. At least not for a long while. At this point, she simply _needed_ somebody.

_Even Kylo Ren himself would be better company than fear._

Oh, well. This situation wasn’t new. She’d been left alone before. But she’d be lying if she said that the fact that she’d been left alone again didn’t also scare her half to death. She could even justify it; she’d told Luke something he hadn’t wanted to hear, and he’d taken off, leaving her stuck and alone. It kept her awake at night.

But it was ridiculous to think that way. Adding fear to fear wouldn’t help her. Luke would be back soon enough. And while he wasn’t exactly the greatest...at least he was someone.

* * *

_Here she was again. Alone in the place that had more or less landed her in her current situation._

_Her companion wasn’t present. At least, not to her knowledge. There was no sound or movement to indicate another presence, and she didn’t have the unsettling feeling she was being watched. He wasn’t there._

_She laughed to herself. ‘I guess he’s running a little late to bedtime today.’_

_She’d grown so used to this place and her surroundings that she didn’t have to worry about her patch of light growing any smaller; she wasn’t afraid. The edges of it hovered around her, sometimes requiring a certain amount of will to keep it at bay, but for the most part, she managed it with ease. She paced around the relatively small space._

_It disappointed her slightly that he wasn’t here now that she wanted him to be. Not only did she long for another presence to talk to, but she had questions she wanted to ask. Things she needed to put out in the open. If he didn’t have a clue what she was talking about, he was probably a figment of her imagination. If he did, there would most likely be more questions to follow. But now that there was no one here, she’d have to wait until she woke up._

_She puffed out her cheeks in frustration, blowing the air out slowly._

_“You’re here early.”_

_She almost jumped out of her skin. She whipped around so fast it made her head spin and her eyes lose focus. She regained her composure as quickly as possible. “No,” she retorted, “you’re late.”_

_A small chuckle. The tone should have unnerved her, but for some reason, she found herself at ease because of it. She even managed a small smile of her own._

_“Are you admitting to waiting for me?’_

_She found a spot in the grass and sat in it. “I never said that.”_

_He laughed softly. “It was implied.”_

_She picked at the grass at her feet, allowing a small grin to grace her lips. They were silent, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. In fact, it was actually quite nice. She felt safe. Content. That was something she hadn’t felt in a while. How strange, that the place that was probably the most dangerous and unknown to her was the thing that brought her the most comfort._

_But maybe it wasn’t the place. Maybe it was him. The stranger._

_Even when he was rude, he was someone. He’d helped her, so obviously he wasn’t any sort of enemy. Another reason to quash the notion that he was Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren helped no one. And he was actually being_ nice _today. He was better company than she’d had in a long time._

_The comfortable silence stretched from seconds into minutes, and while it wasn’t awkward, Rey had had all the silence she could take in the last several days._

_“You certainly seem to be in a good mood today,” she noted._

_“The opposite, actually.”_

_Rey paused, caught a little off guard. “Oh.” She frowned, “Then why are you being so friendly?”_

_It was silent again. It wasn’t quite as comfortable this time. She cleared her throat. “Anyway…I have some questions I wanted to ask you.”_

_“I’m not sure I’m open to answering questions.”_

_His voice had lost all lightness. She shouldn’t have said anything about his mood. She’d probably offended him, whoever he was. “I’m going to ask them anyway.”_

_“Do whatever you want. It doesn’t mean_ I’m _going to do what you want.”_

_“We’ll see.”_

* * *

_“Who are you?”_

_Kylo’s mouth went dry. “Can’t answer that.”_

_“Why not?”_

Because you’d freak out.

_“Don’t want to. Not important.” Oh, what a lie that was. It would be very important to her if she knew the answer._

_“Okay, then. Do you know anything about what’s been happening to me?”_

_A lengthy pause. What was he supposed to say to that?_ Yes? _Yes, I know exactly what’s happening to you because the very same thing is happening to me, your worst enemy?_

_He ran a nervous hand through his hair. “What do you mean?”_

_The scavenger sighed. “Doesn’t matter. If you knew anything, you wouldn’t have to ask.”_

_She visibly deflated, drawing her knees into her chest and curling into a small ball. Kylo almost felt bad. She set her chin on her knee and sighed. “I just don’t understand. If you don’t know anything, this must all be a dream. You can’t be real. There can’t possibly be_ two _strange things happening to me at once. That’s just not fair.”_

_“Life’s not fair,” he said gruffly._

_She threw a dirty look in what he was sure she assumed was his direction. “So much for being friendly.”_

_He smiled dryly. “I thought we’d established long ago that I was not.”_

_“Yeah, well...people change.”_

_For some reason, that stunned him into silence. Eventually, he managed, “Not me, sweetheart.”_

_“Don’t call me that,” she mumbled._

_“Why not?”_

_“I don’t know you, that’s why not.”_

_He scoffed. “Well, what if I don’t know you either?”_

_“All the more reason to leave me be.”_

_Kylo shook his head incredulously._ “You’ve _been talking to_ me, _sweetheart.”_

 _She huffed. “What did I_ just _say?”_

_“I heard you just fine.”_

_“You haven’t exactly been very silent, yourself.”_

_“Yes, well, how can I be silent when I’m constantly being asked questions about who I am? Why does it matter so much?”_

_“I don’t know, why can’t you just tell me?”_

_Their voices were steadily rising._

_“Why should I have to?”_

_“You’re somehow in my subconscious!”_

_“And_ you’re _somehow in mine!”_

_When had this become a shouting match? They were both breathing a little heavily. Kylo was certainly worked up about the conversation, but less out of anger and more out of fear and anxiety. What if she found out who he was? What if his unwillingness to answer her questions only confirmed suspicions she already had? He had to make something up._

_“Since it matters so much,” he said into the silence, “my name’s-”_

_There had to be someone he knew whose name he could use. Han would be_ way _too easy, and Luke was just stupid. He_ refused _to use Hux’s name, so he tried to remember the names of any officers that served under him. Nothing came to mind. He should really pay more attention. There were only a few people left that he could think of. One was Lando. His father’s best friend. What were the chances she knew him? Or at least knew_ of _him?_

_Too great._

_That left Lor San Tekka. The man was dead. The scavenger had probably never talked to him. But if his mother had said anything about him…_

_Well, now what did he do? He wasn’t creative enough to create something from scratch._

_The answer hit him like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t his favorite, but it was the only one he had._

_“Ben. My name is Ben. Are you happy now?”_

_She didn’t say anything. She buried her face in her arms and it was silent once again. Kylo toyed with one of his gloves. They remained this way for several minutes, barely even breathing. The thought crossed his mind fleetingly that maybe she knew that Ben was really his name, and now she’d made a connection. Then suddenly, she mumbled something._

_Kylo leaned forward, his heart in his throat. “What?”_

_“My name,” she repeated, “is Rey. And I’m sorry I snapped at you.”_

_He breathed a sigh of relief._ I’m sorry, too, _should have been his reply. It wasn’t. He said nothing. He had to start shutting her out. Had to close himself off from this girl and her feelings. The feelings she gave him. Of guilt. Of compassion._

_Of hope._

_She was making it harder and harder for him to do what he needed to do._

_“I’ve been alone for so long, and I don’t like being alone. It...I just don’t like it. And I needed someone to talk to.” She lifted her head from her arms and laughed humorlessly. “For some reason, I thought that someone could be you.”_

_Kylo felt a twinge of guilt as she set her head back in the nest she’d made of her arms. “Guess I was wrong,” she mumbled._

_“I’m not stopping you,” Kylo heard himself say._

_“Yes, well...you aren’t exactly inviting me to say anything, either.”_

_He hesitated for a moment. “Consider this your invitation.”_

_She raised her head again, opening her mouth as if to say something, but suddenly she went rigid. Her head whipped around as if she’d heard something. Kylo’s stomach dropped. That had to mean-_

_“I have to go. There’s someone here.”_

_She jumped to her feet. Kylo blinked and she was gone._

_“Run, Rey,” he whispered as he woke himself, though he knew he’d regret the words as soon as he became conscious. “Run.”_

* * *

Rey woke up to the screaming of TIE fighters outside the walls of her hut. She flew into a sitting position, the information her brain had collected only now starting to make sense. There were people from the Order. Here. On Ach-To.

She swore, flying from the bed and grabbing her lightsaber from its place on her small table. She bolted for the door, turning on her heel before she reached the outside and darting back to her cot, fishing under it for the blaster she’d hidden there when she’d first arrived. It had been for an occasion exactly like this one.

A bolt from a TIE fighter shook the small hut, causing dust to fall from the ceiling.

“Damn it,” she muttered under her breath as she switched off the safety and shoved the blaster in the holster she’d wrapped around her waist. “Of all the times that they could be here, they had to choose when I was _alone.”_

Of course, this decision could have been made on purpose. The notion made her blood run cold. For that to have happened, they would have had to be watching the two of them. Which meant that Luke could be right about she and his nephew.

She shoved it to the back of her mind for now. If she died, it wouldn’t matter _who_ was watching her or why.

She ran outside, ducking as more fire whizzed over her head, sparks spraying from the boulders they hit.

_I have to get out of here. I have to get off this planet._

But she couldn’t. There was no way. Luke had taken the only ship.

She was stranded here. There was no way out.

She darted between rocks and brush, searching for cover as she tried in vain to outrun the TIEs that hurtled over her head. She didn’t know where she was running. Didn’t know what she planned on doing when she ran out of room to run. She wasn’t going to think about it.

Eventually, she hid herself among a cluster of rocks, her blaster held tightly in her hands. She was stopping to catch her breath, ragged puffs of air coming from her lungs. She was shaking, but not merely because of fear. It was _adrenaline._ It was drive. It was determination.

_She would not die today. She would not die here. She would not die alone._

Rumbles echoed in the distance as TIEs blew apart the place that she’d called home for the past several months. They seemed to be occupied in the distance, so she allowed herself a moment to gather her thoughts. There was movement in a bush behind a rock opposite her, startling her. She whirled toward it, her blaster at the ready.

“Who’s there?” she called when she saw no one. “Don’t be a coward. Come out.”

“I’m far from a coward, scavenger.”

Her head turned toward his voice so fast, her neck twinged. She growled and fired several shots in his direction, her vision going red. _“You,”_ she snarled. “I should’ve killed you when I had the chance-”

“But you didn’t,” he intoned as he knocked away the blasts with an ease that unnerved her.

The crimson glow of the saber cast harsh shadows on his face, even though the sun was bright. He stepped toward her, and she fought against the urge to step away, firmly standing her ground.

“You didn’t kill me,” he repeated. “And I’m not here to kill you.”

“Forgive me if I have a hard time believing that,” Rey hissed through gritted teeth, throwing her blaster aside and reaching for the lightsaber at her belt.

She ignited it, the reflection shining along with amusement in the monster’s eyes. But there was something else there, too. Something that made her confused. Something that made her uncomfortable. Something she was going to ignore.

“I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to bring you back with me.”

Bile rose up in the back of her throat. “I think I’d rather you killed me.”

He sighed, looking defeated, though she knew it was a ruse. “That can also be arranged, if I need.”

She rushed at him, throwing her saber into a swing at his head. He blocked it deftly, sweeping his blade outward to knock hers away.

“Why won’t you leave me alone?” she yelled. “Why won’t you just wait until we’re supposed to meet again?”

“Because we _are_ supposed to meet again,” he panted. “Right now. Today. I’ve spoken with Maz Kanata.”

_“Liar.”_

She struck at him again, and again he batted her saber away without even blinking.

“She said the Force has a plan for us, scavenger. As much as I dislike it, I can’t help but believe it to be true.”

She roared in defiance, slashing at him furiously, but he was always ahead. Always faster.

“Haven’t you felt it too?” he shouted over the whirring and sizzling of their two lightsabers clashing. “Haven’t you had the visions? Heard the voices? _My_ voice?”

“Shut up!”

He caught Rey off guard, swinging his weapon in such a way that the two sabers locked together. If Rey moved, his blade would cut her in half.

“We’re connected, scavenger,” he said quietly. “Come train with me. Come figure out why. You can have a new master. One who cares. One who can help you.”

He looked around, a wry smile crossing his face. “Where _is_ that old bat? Did he leave you behind? Abandon you like he did me?”

“He didn’t abandon me,” Rey spat. “And he did _not_ abandon you.”

 _“How do you know?”_ he roared. “How do you know what he did or didn’t do to me? He may not have abandoned me physically, but emotionally, he may as well have never shown up. But Snoke... he was always there for me. He’ll be there for you, too!”

_“No!”_

She spun out from under the two sabers, breaking the lock they’d been in. She hacked at his red blade furiously, forcing him back at a steady pace. She raised it above her head for a final blow before he waved a hand, causing her to freeze. She couldn’t move. No matter how hard she tried.

He stepped up to her and she could barely move, barely breathe. She hadn’t seen him up close since that night on Starkiller. He looked so different now from how he had then. The most notable change was the scar over his eye. The scar _she’d_ created. It was likely he wasn’t going to let her get away with that.

His overall appearance was different, too. Less pampered prince, more disturbed and sleep-deprived individual. His hair hadn’t been meticulously done, his clothes weren’t pressed and fixed perfectly. He wasn’t wearing his mask, either. Wasn’t even carrying it. He looked sadder. Dirtier. But he was still intimidating, as much as she hated to admit it.

“I have to take you back,” he whispered. “I either take you back, or I kill you. And for some reason, I can’t manage to end your life, so it looks like I only have one option.”

He pulled her saber out of her hands, thumbing it off and sliding it in his belt.

“I know you won’t believe me, but I really do wish this could have gone another way.”

He waved his hand again, his dark eyes pleading as they stared into hers, and then darkness swallowed her whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot thickens...
> 
> Kylo has said Rey's name for the first time in ten chapters.
> 
> Rey has been given a name (albeit not the name he goes by), for the man in her dreams.
> 
> Kylo showed up on Ach-To.
> 
> And then he kidnapped Rey.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! I was definitely excited about this chapter. It's a turning point for this story, and things are about to get interesting. I hope you guys are as excited as I am!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo just didn’t understand it.
> 
> Even in sleep, she looked terrified, uncomfortable. Angry. She wasn’t tossing and turning; the restraints she was in wouldn’t allow her to roll over. But the look on her face was not of the serenity that one usually found in sleep. It bothered him. He couldn’t ignore it. Couldn’t stop thinking about possible ways to change it. He hated that her discomfort made him squirm. It was a sign of his own weakness. His compassion.
> 
> He stood to the side of the bed they’d strapped her to for the duration of their trip, watching her carefully. She didn’t move, didn’t make a sound, and the only real indication they had that she was alive was the rise and fall of her chest and the fluttering of her eyelids. Her breathing was soft, and Kylo found himself wishing that she never had to wake up. He knew that what met her when she did was far worse than anything she could be dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is definitely shorter than most of my other chapters. Really, it's more like half a chapter, but what I was planning to write and post was becoming really long, so I decided I'd post in two parts so that it wasn't monstrous. The next part will hopefully be up by next week if I get the time to finish it.

Kylo just didn’t understand it.

Even in sleep, she looked terrified, uncomfortable. Angry. She wasn’t tossing and turning; the restraints she was in wouldn’t allow her to roll over. But the look on her face was not of the serenity that one usually found in sleep. It bothered him. He couldn’t ignore it. Couldn’t stop thinking about possible ways to change it. He hated that her discomfort made him squirm. It was a sign of his own weakness. His compassion.

He stood to the side of the bed they’d strapped her to for the duration of their trip, watching her carefully. She didn’t move, didn’t make a sound, and the only real indication they had that she was alive was the rise and fall of her chest and the fluttering of her eyelids. Her breathing was soft, and Kylo found himself wishing that she never had to wake up. He knew that what met her when she did was far worse than anything she could be dreaming.

He moved away from the bed. He had to force himself to stop thinking about her like that. Stop feeling this way for her. He was bringing her back to train with him under Snoke. That was it. The end of it, the bottom line.

Why did a part of him insist that it shouldn’t be?

He moved closer again, despite his every thought screaming for him not to.

 _Just a little bit of a closer look,_ he told himself. _Just one more step._

He felt incredibly awful for bringing her to this place that she so clearly did not want to be. He didn’t even know if he wanted to be here either. He knew he shouldn’t pity her like this, and fought to drive this pity away, but it wouldn’t budge. He wished he could get rid of it. He didn’t need any more guilt weighing on his shoulders than he had already.

Loose strands of hair were falling over her face. Against his will, his hand reached to brush them away. He pulled it back, knowing it would not be wise to do anything that might be seen as _affectionate_ towards the prisoner. If Snoke found out that he’d shown her anything but contempt and idle fascination, he’d be in even hotter water than he already was.

 _It’s just moving hair out of her face,_ his brain insisted. _No one’s here. No one will know. Besides, you’re not doing anything_ wrong, _right? It won’t hurt._

He reached a tentative hand towards her face, gingerly brushing the few wayward strands behind her ear. Immediately, guilt and regret surged through him, and he tore his hand away as if she’d burned it. He pivoted on his heel and marched to the door. When he reached the doorway, he hesitated. Just for a moment.

No, _Kylo. Don’t be stupid._

He pushed aside his strong instinct to turn and look back at her and left the room, nodding at the trooper standing just outside. The trooper moved in, the door shut, and Kylo forgot about her.

Well...he tried to.

* * *

She had to have been sleeping for at least two hours. At _least._

Snoke was not a patient being, not in the slightest. Kylo was afraid that if she didn’t somehow wake up within the next hour, Snoke would make sure she never woke up. Kylo was thinking about waking her up himself, just to make sure she lived through the next day, but he’d put up such a fight to ensure that she could wake up naturally that he was going to make that a last resort. She _had_ to wake up soon, though.

Snoke had instructed him to guard her cell and wait for her to wake up. Now, he sat observing the scavenger through the transparisteel wall of her cell. It had been ordered that they take greater measures of security for this particular prisoner. Now, unless she managed to break through the transparisteel quietly enough to be undetected, she wouldn’t be getting out quite as easily this time. Snoke was ensuring that she do as he wished or die.

Kylo sighed, pushing the thoughts away. He watched her carefully, looking for any sign of movement to indicate that she was waking up. Just as in the previous hours, there was nothing. He bit back a growl of frustration.

Though he tried to deny it, he was starting to worry. Had he gone too far? Was it normal for a being to be unconscious for this long if they’d been prompted to be so by the Force? What if he’d accidentally put her in a coma? It wouldn’t have surprised him if he’d been a little overzealous in his use of the Force in his over-adrenalized state. At least he knew he hadn’t killed her; she was still breathing.

But he shouldn’t care. Even if he _had_ killed her. Snoke wouldn’t have minded. In fact, Snoke would probably have been a little pleased. So he shouldn’t care either.

But he did, he _did._

“What are you doing to me?” he mumbled, almost pleading. “Why can’t I make it stop?”

He expected no response. Of course, he never got one from her. But from himself, he did receive one.

 _You_ can _make it stop. You’re stronger than this. Than her._

But he cared. He cared so much more than he wanted to admit about what happened to her.

 _No, you don’t,_ his head insisted. _You don’t._

He didn’t. He would force himself not to.

This time, he allowed himself to make a strangled, frustrated noise before storming out of the cell block, leaving the unconscious scavenger alone.

* * *

“Is she awake?”

Exactly the last question he’d wanted to be asked.

“No, Supreme Leader. I don’t understand why, I-”

Snoke waved him off. “When and how she wakes up is unimportant.”

He nodded simply because he wasn’t sure how else to respond. He’d expected to have to explain himself thoroughly, not an indifferent wave of the hand.

Snoke slouched in his throne, his eyes gleaming as he stared somewhere far off in the distance. “What matters is only how we bring her to see from our point of view.” It seemed he was talking to himself more than he was talking to Kylo, but he continued, “Once we do that, we will become an unstoppable force, and Skywalker will not have a chance.”

For a reason he couldn’t understand, dread began to suffocate Kylo. This wasn’t good. Not at all. It should be. This should be the best news he’d heard in a while. But it made him feel sick. With a control he’d only managed to acquire through _years_ of practice, he pushed his feelings aside enough to continue the conversation.

“How are we going to accomplish that?”

Snoke was still in his own little universe, thoughts racing through his head at a speed Kylo could probably only imagine. But he still managed to give an answer.

“Not we,” he muttered. “Not we...you. Just you.”

Though Kylo had half-expected an answer like this, he still could not believe Snoke had come to that conclusion.

“Me? Supreme Leader, I’m not sure that’s the best course of action. The girl is not very fond of me-”

“But she could be.” Snoke finally leaned forward in his chair, bringing all his attention back to the here and now, “She could learn. She could learn to be fond of you more so than me.”

“How?”

“A change in perspective works wonders.”

Kylo was baffled. How could a small change in perspective lead her to change her entire way of thinking? “With all due respect, Supreme Leader, I don’t believe she would change her way of thinking simply because I showed her my point of view. Even if I could, I wouldn’t ever change her opinion enough for her to become fond of you, me, or even this cause. She’s simply too stubborn to convince.”

Snoke paused for the briefest of moments, looking at Kylo almost as if he was disappointed that Kylo had not yet come to the conclusion he had. “‘Convince’ may not be the correct word. ‘Threaten’ may better suit our purposes. ‘Blackmail’ might, as well, if you’d prefer. And if that doesn’t work, I’m sure that torturous persuasion would do the trick just fine.”

Snoke sneered and the hairs on the back of Kylo’s neck stood on end. “Supreme Leader, surely that is not the best way to-”

“If you believe that is not the way, then find your own. If she is not convinced in three week’s time, then we turn to my methods. Those are my terms.”

“Supreme Leader, three weeks is hardly-”

“They are non-negotiable! In three weeks, you will have made it to me. She will be able to meet me face-to-face, and I will be able to determine whether or not she is with or against us. It gives you ample time to convince her. If you sincerely believe the time given to you is insufficient, then we can discuss it at length when we meet.”

Kylo swallowed thickly. The chill in the room wasn’t only physical.

“Otherwise, I will be expecting a report when she comes to, and a daily report each day after. If, by the time three weeks has passed, she is still not agreeable, I will deal with her personally.”

Before he could object again, the hologram disappeared, leaving Kylo alone.

As he left, he debated whether he should be frustrated, or terrified.

* * *

“Wake up,” he muttered. “Wake up, you stupid girl, wake up!”

He resisted the urge to bang on the transparisteel.

 _Hours._ She’d been unconscious for hours. It was late in the night now, and still, for some reason, he sat here awaiting the time she would come to. Sure, there was the option of leaving her there unguarded, or with a stormtrooper guard, but for reasons he wouldn’t admit, he didn’t like the thought of leaving her alone.

_What if something were to happen and I wasn’t here? Snoke would have my head._

He was going to such great lengths to explain away his confusing feelings it was pathetic, he knew. But he didn’t want to reason out why the thought of leaving her alone or with an incompetent ‘trooper gave him a knot in his chest, one that he could best describe as anger. But it wasn’t anger. Not really. Anger was just the thing it was closest to. He couldn’t explain it. So he brushed the feeling aside, and he stayed.

Movement caught his eye, tearing him from his thoughts. His head whipped toward the girl, only to see her exhale, her eyes still shut tight. He deflated, exhaling loudly himself.

This wasn’t worth it. This standing over her, waiting for her to wake up. He’d done so once before, and it hadn’t done a thing for him. Why would it do so now? He needed sleep. He needed it badly. He’d waited long enough for today. Surely, she’d be awake in the morning.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.”

He knew his words fell on deaf ears. He didn’t care. It didn’t feel right to leave without saying anything. It still didn’t feel right as he walked out.

His room seemed too far away, the halls too long. He needed to try to sleep, needed to try and get some time away from this recent turn of events. If he’d thought his life was complicated before…

...he was sorely under prepared for what was about to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, definitely shorter. Hope you all still liked it though. Keep your eyes peeled for the next update. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It felt like she’d been in here forever. It had definitely been quite a while. A lot longer than she’d ever stayed in here before. It was very boring if she was honest. There was absolutely nothing in here for one to do except sit and wait. Only, she didn’t know what she was waiting for. Didn’t know why she was kidding herself. She only knew that boring as it was, she didn’t want to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HERE. I did it. It took a lot longer than I would've liked, but it's here. Writer's block shows up whenever it wants and doesn't like to leave, I guess. Hope you guys think this chapter was worth the wait!
> 
> Enjoy!

_ It felt like she’d been in here forever. It had definitely been quite a while. A lot longer than she’d ever stayed in here before. It was very boring if she was honest. There was absolutely nothing in here for one to do except sit and wait. Only, she didn’t know what she was waiting for. Didn’t know why she was kidding herself. She only knew that boring as it was, she didn’t want to leave.  _

_ Rey didn’t know how she’d managed to stay here for so long. It was definitely an effort. A few times, she’d felt herself waking up, and only by sheer force of will had she managed to stay asleep. The longer she was out the better. She needed a plan.  _

_ What had happened before she’d arrived in this little safe haven...she didn’t want to wake up to the result of it. She was more than certain she wouldn’t like what she found. She was going to be prepared for what waited for her before she jumped into the fray. And she needed time to process what had happened. What he’d said. _

“I’m not here to kill you.”

_ That was the first surprise she’d gotten. But he hadn’t lied, or she would be dead now, she was sure. And he’d tried convincing her that he didn’t want to do this. Not in the way that she’d forced him to. Surprising as they were, the words didn’t bother her very much. These things could be easily said, easily faked. The man had no problem lying through his teeth. What  _ had _ bothered her was what she saw. What was there that couldn’t be easily faked. The things he’d clearly tried to hide.  _

_ His eyes. They’d been the biggest tell. The pity in them. The uncertainty. How it had looked like they were begging her to cooperate so things didn’t have to get messy. Like he really  _ didn’t  _ want to hurt her. And the words he’d clearly uttered against his will. _

“I have to take you back. I either take you back, or I kill you. And for some reason, I can’t manage to end your life, so it looks like I only have one option.”

_ There were seven words that had been playing in her ears since she’d heard them.  _

I can’t manage to end your life.

_ He couldn’t manage it. As if it were some herculean task placed upon him by the forces of morality. Some burden he had to bear. Why couldn’t he kill her? She was certain she wouldn’t have that hard of a time doing so to him if given the opportunity. But he, the one who was decidedly on the wrong side out of the two of them, couldn’t bring himself to do the same to her. She wasn’t sure what to make of that.  _

_ And that wasn’t even the only thing he’d brought up that had unnerved her. He’d brought up the visions. Even said he’d had them too. What if Luke had been right? He’d even known about the voices.  _ His _ voice. _

_ “You beat me here again. Making quite a habit of it.” _

_ She jumped, her heart skipping a few beats, but as soon as she realized it was only Ben, she allowed herself a small smile in spite of her predicament. “Yes, well...I’ve been here for quite awhile, this time.”  _

_ He hummed in response. It was silent for a minute while they both situated themselves to be in a more comfortable position so they could talk. Rey wasn’t sure what kind of mood he’d be in today, but she certainly hoped it was a better one than last time. She was very careful in choosing her words. _

_ “Are you...all right? I don’t really know what time it is, but it does seem a little later than you’re usually here.” _

_ He was silent for a very long time, and Rey started to worry that she’d already struck a nerve. So much for being careful.  _

_ “I got...held up,” he finally muttered. “I’m fine.” _

_ There wasn’t warmth in his voice, but he didn’t seem to be in an incredibly terrible mood. It was better than the last time, at least.  _

_ She smiled softly, as kindly as she could manage. “That’s good-” _

_ “Why have you been here so long?” _

_ Rey blinked, caught off guard by his abruptness. “I-” she opened and closed her mouth, finding she couldn’t come up with a convincing enough lie to spew that she didn’t have to tell the real story. “Why do you care?” she finally blurted. _

_ He sighed. “Never mind.” _

_ She was incredibly confused. “Really, though, why do you care?” _

_ “I said never mind.” _

_ She frowned. What had brought on this sudden change in their dynamic? They hadn’t exactly been  _ friends  _ before, no, but they’d at least started to be civil. She’d even wondered once or twice if they were actually warming up to each other. But now, he was colder than he had been when this had all started. These dreams were beginning to occur more frequently; if anything, they should be getting calmer as they grew used to each other.  _

_ She just didn’t understand. _

_ “Did I do something?” she heard herself ask.  _

_ She hadn’t given herself permission; her mouth had decided to move on its own. _

_ “What are you talking about?” _

Don’t say anything. Just let it go.

_ “Did I do something to you? To offend you? Or is my existence enough to make you irritated?” _

_ He laughed shortly, humorlessly. “It’s not like you’re very easy to get along with.” _

_ Rey was astounded. “What did I  _ do?”

_ Ben sighed, almost like he realized he’d made a big mistake. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it. You wouldn’t understand.” _

_ “I want to understand,” Rey insisted. “That’s why I’m asking you this. If you tell me what it is that I’m doing, I can stop.” _

_ “I told you not to worry about it,” was the weary reply. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not something you can control; the issue’s all on my end. It’s my problem to solve, not yours.” _

_ Rey shook her head, disappointed. She rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she mumbled, and she curled up like she usually did when she was done with the conversation. _

_ Once her knees were pulled up to her chest, her arms folded on top of them, she let her chin rest on her forearms. What an awkward way to kill time. Any hope she’d had of restoring their previous relationship, if you could even call it that, was gone. Vanished along with any comfort she’d taken in this place. She kind of hated herself for it. It was her fault. She’d never been able to do anything but drive people away. Kriff, she’d driven her own parents away when she was six years old. Now, she continued to do the same thing, but this time, she hadn’t even had the chance to see the man’s face before he’d decided to hate her completely. _

“Is _ there a reason you’ve been here so long?”  _

_ She looked up slowly, surprised. There was real curiosity in his voice. Almost...concern? No. That couldn’t be it.  _

_ She opened her mouth to lie, but she stopped herself. This was how she pushed people away. Lying got her nowhere.  _

_ “Because I’d rather not be awake.” _

_ “So you’re  _ choosing _ to be here?”  _

_ It wasn’t incredulous, he was simply clarifying, but Rey could’ve sworn there was awe buried beneath all his layers of indifference. She tried not to smile smugly.  _

_ “I guess you could say that, yes.” _

_ He cleared his throat. “Not that I have any right to ask-” _

_ “You don’t.” _

_ “Noted. But,” he plowed on, “I wanted to know why exactly you don’t want to be out there.” She heard him shift slightly, almost like he was uncomfortable, “I guess the question I’m asking is, are  _ you _ all right?” _

_ “I’m fine.” _

_ He sighed. “Fine, then.” _

_ The pang in her stomach was an unwelcome reminder that she’d been dealing with him acting like this only minutes before. She groaned internally but answered him. _

_ “I’m actually not fine,” she muttered. “I’m...I’m with the Resistance. Kylo Ren invaded my home and kidnapped me, and I’m fairly certain he’s bringing me back to wherever  _ he  _ calls home. I don’t want to wake up partially just to aggravate him and partially...partially out of fear.” Her voice had dropped so low that she wasn’t sure he could hear. “I’m terrified of what he’ll do. Of what he might make  _ me _ do. And I think he works beneath someone. Takes orders from a higher power. If that monster is as bad as he is, how truly awful must his master be?” _

_ She zoned out for a moment, her head spinning with her sudden realization. She really was afraid. Far more afraid than she’d like to admit.  _

_ “That’s why I’ve been here for so long.” _

_ There was an uncomfortable silence. Her voice echoed out in the black until eventually, it faded away and there was nothing.  _

_ “I see,” he finally said. _

_ Rey snorted. “How truly enlightened you are. Thank you for your input.” _

_ “Never said I was good at advice.” _

_ “That’s okay.” _

_ It was still after that, almost like the words that wanted to be said hung in the air, waiting to be blown about. He inhaled sharply. “There is one thing, though. If you stay asleep, you really aren’t going to be able to do much about what’s happening out there. You know that, right?” _

_ “I just need time to make a plan. Then I’ll wake up. I just have to make this last as long as I can.” _

_ He exhaled slowly. “Well, good luck, then.” _

_ “Thanks.” _

_ She buried her face in her arms. They were silent the rest of the time.  _

* * *

Kylo woke with a start. Already, he knew the day was  _ not  _ going to go his way. 

_ What a joy his existence was becoming. _

He rolled over to check the chronometer by his bed, groaning when his eyes landed on the time. He’d overslept. Now, instead of being in there to greet her when she woke up, he was going to be met with an absolute mess. If she  _ had  _ decided to wake up, she would be doing her best to get out, and the mindless stormtroopers would be helpless to stop her. 

‘Oh, well,’ he thought. ‘Let her get out. Let her escape. Snoke will find her, or we will. She won’t get far.’

He knew that the reality was that she  _ could  _ escape if she wanted to, and probably would try. He just didn’t care enough anymore.

He rolled back over and threw an arm over his face. That girl had been keeping herself unconscious of her own volition. She had such a powerful will that she was actively prolonging her stay in the dreamspace the two of them shared. To spite him. As frustrating as it was, it was remarkable. The power the girl possessed...he wondered if she was even aware of the magnitude of it. Probably not. Skywalker had probably done his best to downplay her abilities so she didn’t grow either too sure of herself, or too strong for him to control. 

It wouldn’t have been the first time.

Eventually, Kylo forced himself to roll out of bed and get ready to meet with the scavenger. He did his best to balance being intimidating and being human. He decided to forgo his mask again and see if it got him further than he expected. His hopes weren’t incredibly high.

The walk to her cell block was not nearly long enough, and when he got there, he found at least a dozen stormtroopers scurrying around, all of them in a panic. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, regretting that he didn’t have his mask, and hastened his footfalls.

“What’s going on?”

“She’s awake, sir,” one relatively calm ‘trooper reported. “Awake and angry. She’s trying to break out.”

Kylo growled and shoved through the throng of black and white clad men and women, his temples throbbing in annoyance. The sight that met his eyes in her cell block was enough to make him want to throw his hands in the air and say, “Forget it, Snoke can have her. She’s not my problem anymore.” At least five stormtroopers were fighting to seal away the cracks forming in the transparisteel as fast as the scavenger was making them. The sad part was, she was  _ winning.  _ They moved frantically with the sealant, but for some unfathomable reason, she was managing to punch more chinks in the wall than they could keep up with. He succeeded in pulling himself together enough to speak, and he sighed, his faith in those serving under him dwindling. 

“Everyone out!” he roared. “Move!”

They all dropped whatever they held in their hands and saluted before rushing out. As soon as the last one was gone, Kylo lifted his arm and curled the fingers of his outstretched hand, causing the girl to freeze. She growled, irate. 

“You must be getting incredibly tired of this happening to you.” 

Her frown deepened in answer. He smirked.

“I’ll let you go, but only if you promise to play nice.”

She was silent, unblinking. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

He released his hold on her and she dropped to the ground, still breathing hard from her outburst. She offered a weak hit to the transparisteel, taunting him. He tutted. 

“Now, is that any way to treat your host? Destroying their property?”

“You locked me in a cell,” she snarled. “Is that any way to treat your company?”

“How did you manage to break out of those cuffs, by the way?”

She smiled at him humorlessly. “A magician never reveals her secrets.”

He quirked an eyebrow, not even bothering to hide the amusement he felt. “Touche.”

Her smile dropped back into the set frown she’d been wearing before. He paced in front of her, his conflicting feelings taking a backseat to figuring out what he needed to say and how to say it. Was he kind and inviting? Or was he forceful and direct? Part of him was certain it was the former. But his head insisted the latter. He decided to try for somewhere in between. 

“I assume you know why you’re here?”

“I have a few ideas.”

“Good, good. We can skip the pleasantries, then.”

“You can’t just keep me in here.”

Kylo chanced a glance around the cell. “Yeah, I think I can.”

“I’ll find a way out.”

“No, you won’t.”

“People will come looking. The Resistance will come.  _ Luke  _ will come.”

Kylo flashed her a patronizing smile. “Will he?”

She didn’t respond and her head dipped. His smug bearing sobered. It was only meant to be a jab, but it appeared that it was actually an idea she’d toyed with herself. A guilty pang struck him, but it passed through relatively unnoticed. He crammed everything down, per the usual.

‘Good,’ he mused to distract himself. ‘I don’t have to worry about planting doubt. Skywalker did a good enough job of it on his own.’

“I’m not going to lie to you,” he said, finally coming to a stop in front of her. “I’m going to tell you exactly what’s going on. You’re here because Snoke believes you need to be. He believes you should be on our side. So, he sent me to find you and bring you back. To train with him. With me.”

“No,” she responded without even a beat of silence.

“You don’t have a choice.”

“And if I refuse?”

His words were slow and precise, leaving no room for interpretation. “Snoke will kill you.”

He had to give it to her. Her face remained hard and cold, anger flashing in her eyes. To any onlooker, she was not intimidated. But Kylo caught the faintest hint of fear. He didn’t know how. There was nothing about her body language or demeanor to suggest it; he just knew. Almost like he could feel it himself. 

“We’re connected, scavenger,” he said in a low voice. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. We are meant for something much bigger than you or I could ever imagine. Train with me. Let me help you. We could do great things.”

She looked disgusted. 

“It’s your choice. You’re running out of time to make it.”

Her face changed fractionally several times, and he watched her decision-making process play out across her features. It gave him a sick sense of satisfaction, watching her struggle. As much as he hated to admit his much... _ softer _ feelings for this girl, he’d never deny the fact that he enjoyed intimidating her. It made her no better than he was. She, too, could be scared. She, too, had weaknesses. The situation was probably more fulfilling to him than it was worth.

“Go away,” she muttered.

“Are you going to make a decision?”

“I already told you no.”

“He  _ will _ kill you. I’m not bluffing.”

She stood up on shaky legs, but her determination was fierce and the fire behind her eyes was bright. “Fine. I believe you. Let him kill me. You can do whatever you want with me, but I would rather die knowing I hadn’t betrayed my friends than live knowing I had.”

Kylo’s eyes widened. She was serious. Her resolve was prominent in her voice, her face was set. The fear he’d sensed before was there no longer, and it had been replaced with a much stronger feeling of courage. That surprised Kylo, and not in a good way. 

“So you’d rather die-” he began incredulously.

“Yes,” she interrupted him. “I would rather die. I’m not like you. I’m loyal to those that love me.”

He took a step back, almost like her words had affected him physically. It hit him as hard as she wanted it to. All satisfaction he’d received from intimidating her was gone now; clearly, he hadn’t done a good enough job.

“Your argument has a few holes in it,” he bit back, now angry. “Those people you’re referring to? They didn’t love me. Ever.”

Her face twisted into an even deeper frown. “Liar. They do. More than anything. But don’t ask me why.”

He turned to the door, ignoring her. “I’m clearly not getting anywhere with you right now. I’ll be back in a few hours to see if you’ve changed your mind.”

“They want you to come home, and don’t ask me why they want that, either.”

He still acted as though he didn’t hear her, lengthening his strides to reach the door faster. “I’ll be sending someone to make sure you’re put back in those cuffs.”

“Leia was heartbroken by what you’d done. But she still wants you to come home. She still wants you back-”

“Shut up,” he snarled, whirling on her. “Do not speak of her as if you know what happened. As if you know her. You know nothing.”

She stared him down, unflinching. “Apparently, I know more than you’d like me to.”

He turned away from her quickly to hide his expression. He knew his eyes gave away far more than he would like them to. There were things she’d be able to see in them that he knew he had to hide. 

The pain he felt? She brought it up in him like a flame. He felt like he was in constant pain anymore, but when she was around, the pain was worse. There were so many things he had done that he wished he hadn’t. So many things he’d done that he still couldn’t believe he  _ had. _ And her presence seemed to remind him of every terrible thing he’d ever done. But the worst thing she’d stirred in him was by far hope.Her optimism had blinded him. She’d given him hope for a better future. A better future he knew he couldn’t have. 

No, not just a future he couldn’t have. A future he didn’t want.

“I’ve enjoyed myself immensely, scavenger,” he quipped, straightening up. “I can’t wait to do this again.”

He strode out as fast as his legs could carry him. 

“I’ve seen your mother!” she shouted after him as he left. “She wants you back! Even after all you’ve done, she wants you back! And still, you continue to deny it! To deny her! Coward!  _ Coward!” _

He had never known relief like that that rushed through him when the door closed on her and her abuses.

* * *

Rey slid down the transparisteel, still shaking. Whether it was from fear or fury, she had no clue. Probably a mixture of both. 

She blinked back angry tears furiously, heat rising to her cheeks. It was like her worst nightmares were coming true. She couldn’t join them. Wouldn’t. There was absolutely no way she would turn against everyone she loved and who loved her. Luke was certainly one thing, but Leia? Finn? Chewie? She wouldn’t do that to them. They’d been through plenty already because of the Dark Side. They’d all already lost so much. She wouldn’t let them lose her, too. 

She curled into a ball, burying her face in her arms. Someone would be here soon to lock her back up. She figured she might as well enjoy her semi-freedom while she could. It would be all of it that she would get for awhile. 

* * *

Anxiety twisted Luke’s stomach into knots. Now that the problem was clear, it seemed even worse than before. He couldn’t help but feel that if anything happened, it would be his fault. 

Why hadn’t he noticed anything sooner? Why hadn’t he paid attention and seen the signs? Observation had never been his strong suit. It had been his downfall before. Damn, if he would let it be his downfall now. 

As the island came into view, his heart rate soared. He couldn’t believe he was actually agreeing to do this. He’d sworn he’d never try it again after the destruction of his previous academy, but now, he had no choice. He had to do it. Regardless of how he felt about it and previous situations like it. He wouldn’t let his sister down. Not again. He knew that saving Rey would hardly make up for letting Ben fall, but he had to do  _ something.  _ It would be better than sitting by and watching it happen. 

But as he got closer, he realized that something else was nagging at him, too. Something much worse than simple doubts and anxieties about teaching a student. He didn’t know what it was. 

It was made clear as soon as he landed. 

His home looked like a war zone. Every structure had been demolished, crushed within an inch of its existence. Some were still partially standing, most were on fire. Smoke and small bits of debris were floating through the air, filling his nostrils and lungs, but he hardly noticed. There were much more urgent matters at hand. 

“Rey,” he said, at first under his breath, then louder as the realization that she’d been here alone set in. “Rey!  _ Rey!” _

He ran through the rubble, coughing and spluttering as he called her name. He shouted for her until his throat was hoarse, dug through rock until his arms were entirely covered in scrapes and bruises, but he couldn’t find her anywhere. There weren’t even any signs of a body. 

“Rey,” he tried weakly, one last time before he gave up. 

His legs went out underneath him and he collapsed onto a piece of what had once been his hut. The lack of his apprentice could only mean one thing. And it would break his sister’s heart. 

He eventually dragged himself back to his ship, setting a course back to the Resistance as soon as he ambled into the cockpit. He had to share what had happened with the group and find a way to get Rey back as soon as possible. 

This new development made the situation even more dire than it had been before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting interesting, you guys!
> 
> Despite having so much inspiration to finish this chapter (the trailers, the pictures, the interviews, the overall rejuvenation of the fandom), it did take a lot longer than expected to finish this chapter, but thank you to all you guys for being so patient with me. I'm so blessed. 
> 
> It may be a little while until the next chapter, but we'll have to see how life goes for the next few weeks. 
> 
> As always, thank you all so much for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don’t know what it’s going to take to get this through your head, scavenger; if you do not comply, you will be killed. No exceptions. No leniency. You won’t be getting out of here alive if you do not agree to join us.”
> 
> Rey’s nerves were shot. Her patience was nonexistent. She didn’t have anything left to give. She’d been in this cell, having this same conversation over and over for at least a week. She wasn’t even sure how much time had passed. She hadn’t slept in what felt like years, hadn’t eaten in what felt like even longer. They brought in a plate full of cream-colored mush every once in awhile, and Rey hadn’t eaten a bit of it. In a display of ‘hospitality,’ they’d moved her from the table to the corner of the cell, chained to the wall by an ankle cuff that only allowed her to walk so far in each direction. It meant less than nothing to her.
> 
> “I don’t know what it’s going to take to get this through your head,” she bit back. “You can just go ahead and kill me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my God, it's another chapter in less than a week! I expected it to be soon but not this soon. I guess I was just inspired. Hope you all love it!
> 
> Please enjoy!

"I don’t know what it’s going to take to get this through your head, scavenger; if you do not comply, you _will_ be killed. No exceptions. No leniency. You won’t be getting out of here alive if you do not agree to join us.”

Rey’s nerves were shot. Her patience was nonexistent. She didn’t have anything left to give. She’d been in this cell, having this same conversation over and over for at least a week. She wasn’t even sure how much time had passed. She hadn’t slept in what felt like years, hadn’t eaten in what felt like even longer. They brought in a plate full of cream-colored mush every once in awhile, and Rey hadn’t eaten a bit of it. In a display of ‘hospitality,’ they’d moved her from the table to the corner of the cell, chained to the wall by an ankle cuff that only allowed her to walk so far in each direction. It meant less than nothing to her.

“I don’t know what it’s going to take to get _this_ through _your_ head,” she bit back. _“You can just go ahead and kill me!”_

In a rage that flared up suddenly, she took one of her uneaten meals and flung it at the transparisteel between them. The slop splattered across the clear surface and the plate hit off it, clattering to the floor. Her outburst hadn’t even caused him to flinch, much to her displeasure.

“I’m not joining you!” she panted. “I’ve already told you so about a thousand times. So, go ahead. Go ahead and kill me. Put me in front of your firing squad, torture me with one of your droids, lop off my head with my own lightsaber, starve me to death, feed me to whatever creatures you hold in the bowels of this ship, I don’t care. But you won’t be getting me to do _anything_ for you. Ever.”

He didn’t respond. He only sat and stared passively as she shouted. He clearly wasn’t affected by her words. That only made her anger more potent.

He looked almost as rotten as she felt. He sat hunched over on a bench they’d brought in after the third time he’d visited, his hands folded, hanging limply between his legs. His eyes were only half-open, glazed over and staring at nothing. His breathing was soft and slow, almost like he was asleep. Fleetingly, she wondered if he’d slept at all since she’d shown up. If he had, it hadn’t been very much. At any given point during her stay, she could remember him being there, badgering her about joining his cause. She decided that she didn’t care whether or not he’d slept. If he was suffering because he was choosing to do this, then she couldn’t find it in herself to pity him. _He_ could make his suffering stop. She couldn’t say the same for herself.

“If we continue having this conversation over and over, it becomes quite tedious to do so, don’t you think?” he droned, his eyes never moving, never focusing.

“My answers aren’t changing, so tedious these conversations will remain.” He sighed harshly and she arched an eyebrow. “You could always leave me alone, too. Fix your own problems.”

He leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes. “I would if I could, scavenger, believe me.”

Rey rolled her eyes, turning away from him. She pulled her knees up to her chest, setting her chin on top of them. “Don’t play that game with me. I’m sure you are absolutely and incredibly mistreated,” she mumbled, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “but believe me, I won’t be showing any concern for you or your ‘problems’ any time soon. I’m not stupid enough for you to manipulate.”

She’d had enough experience with people trying to take advantage of her compassion on Jakku. Begging her for food rations, promising that they’d repay her as soon as they could, thanking her profusely for sacrificing her meal. Her generosity only lasted for a few months after she started scavenging. She’d find the same people several days later, dragging home armloads of rations, only to guilt some other starving soul out of their food for the night. After that, she adopted the philosophy of ‘every man for himself.’

“I never said you were.”

Rey snarled. “Oh, shut up.”

He didn’t respond. She heard him shift behind her, followed by the soft thuds of his boots moving across the floor. For one precious moment, she thought she’d caused him to give up for now. She expected to hear the opening and closing of the door. What she heard instead was the soft tapping of his fingertips on the transparisteel. Her face flushed and she turned to him, her annoyance peaking yet again.

“Leave me _alone!”_

She reached for another platter and he held up a hand. “Don’t throw anything else. It will only make your experience worse, not mine. I am entirely unaffected.”

She belligerently tossed the plate to the side, realizing reluctantly that he was right. He placed his palm flat on the transparisteel, his face so close that his breath fogged up the surface.

“I’m not sure you realize that I am acting on orders. If I were simply doing as I wished, I would let you rot in here alone. That seems to be what you want. But my orders were to keep you alive and bring you to our side. If I fail to do so by the time we are to meet Supreme Leader Snoke face-to-face, you will be at his mercy. I will have no control over what happens after that.”

A bitter taste rose in the back of Rey’s throat. “Don’t pretend like you care what happens to me.”

It was silent for a long moment, and Rey wondered if he’d decided to leave. But the next thing she heard was the transparisteel barrier sliding away. Her blood ran cold.

She chanced a look over her shoulder, and, to her horror, he was striding towards her, his face set. She scrambled away from him as fast as she could, but there was only so much of her cell. Eventually, her back hit a wall, and there was nowhere else for her to go. She watched, terrified, as he advanced towards her, not stopping until it seemed he was standing on top of her. He towered over her, his boots straddling her leg, until he crouched down so his face was level with hers.

He was close. Too close. His breath was hot on her face, his dark eyes searched hers. She wanted to shy away, wanted to shut her eyes and pretend he wasn’t there, but she couldn’t. This was no different than the first time he’d intimidated her. He knew that close proximity made her uncomfortable. He had to. That was the whole reason he was doing this. She wouldn’t show him she was intimidated. She stared him down.

“I’m not so sure you understand,” he whispered, his voice soft. “I believe that we could do great things, you and I. I think that you are wasting an enormous opportunity for greatness. That is why I care what happens to you. We could be unstoppable. We could rule the entire galaxy. Together.”

Rey spat in his face.

He jumped away in surprise, raising his hand. For a moment, Rey thought he was going to hit her. Instead, he froze her where she sat. She growled. This was getting ridiculous.

“Fine,” he muttered, wiping the spit off the side of his face. “If that is your answer, then we can go see the Supreme Leader now.”

He walked out of the side of the cell enclosed by transparisteel, immediately closing the cell door.

“Be ready to meet him in an hour.”

He released his hold on her as he walked out, and dread pooled in the pit of Rey’s stomach.

* * *

Kylo couldn’t believe it. He’d offered that scavenger everything. Unfathomable power, unlimited authority, even her freedom. He’d offered her _everything._

_And she’d spit in his face._

Though there’d been no one else present, his humiliation was unparalleled. How dare she do something like that? He was clearly the one in the position to do such things. If he weren’t so unsure of himself and what he was trying to do, he might’ve killed her on the spot, regardless of any compassionate feelings he might be harboring towards her.

Of course, he’d been lying about most of what he’d said. His end goal wasn’t power or prestige. That isn’t what he’d come here for, and it wasn’t what he’d stayed for. It was for a sense of belonging. He’d offered her that, too. A place at his side when they ruled the galaxy. But _why_ had he offered her such a thing? A position like that implied a partnership. Implied a joining together. Implied...a _marriage._ He had no interest in such things, especially not concerning her. But he had to care about her in some capacity, or he _wouldn’t_ care what Snoke did to her. Right? He was so confused. He’d had to lie to himself just as much as he’d had to lie to her. These feelings he had were complicating things far more than he’d ever imagined they could. They’d turned from something of fascination to something...more personal, he’d begun to realize.

No. He’d deny that. Deny them. He was simply growing more and more fascinated as he discovered more about her. That was all this was. Curiosity. Interest in her abilities. That was all it was, and all it would ever be, period.

There was one thing he regretted saying more and more as he walked away from her cell, however. Something even worse than implying a partnership.

Had it really been necessary to tell her he was bringing her to Snoke?

Now, he had no choice but to do so, or she’d believe all of his threats to be empty, and she’d become even harder to work with.

Panic bubbled in his stomach. Not only was she not on their side, but she was _staunchly_ so. If she met with Snoke and smarted off, as was her way, he was sure Snoke would come within inches of killing her. For some reason, Kylo wasn’t sure it would be very easy for him to stand by and watch that happen.

Oh, well. It’s not like he had a choice now. All he could do was hope for the best.

Unfortunately, even the best seemed like a nightmare.

* * *

Rey sat curled in a ball, rocking herself back and forth It had become a coping mechanism she’d developed when she felt especially alone or scared. The rocking motion invoked the image of being rocked in a mother’s arms, something she’d craved her entire life. It comforted her greatly, now.

Though she’d never outwardly admit it to be true, she was terrified. Terrified of what they’d do to her. She’d talked of dying before she betrayed her friends, of dying _for_ them, but that didn’t mean that she was not afraid to die. Sure, she’d stared death in the face before, several times; countless nights on Jakku when she’d believed without a doubt that she was going to starve to death, the times when she’d been leaping around the insides of some giant metallic beast, only to slip and narrowly avoid impalement, or, her personal favorite, when she got into fights over rations or parts and things turned ugly, fast. But this time, it seemed that death was truly coming. She didn’t see how she’d be able to avoid it this time.

Unless…

Her cell door slid open with a loud whir and thud and more stormtroopers than Rey deemed necessary poured through the open door. The transparisteel slid away and two of them marched toward her, one of them unlocking the cuff around her ankle, the other yanking her to her feet. She was held firmly by the arm on either side, a blaster trained between her shoulder blades, and cuffs were placed on her wrists. Before she could register anything else, she was marched out of her cell block, and herded through corridor after corridor, followed by her excessive entourage of stormtroopers.

Left, right, left, left, left, right, right, left. And then all of a sudden, she lost track. They passed several doors, several different passages, each one leading to a different place on the ship. Rey’s head spun. She was sure her disorientation was also due, in part, to her lack of sleep and nutrition, but it still baffled her that someone could know the hallways of this ship thoroughly enough to successfully navigate it. Maybe they had to take a course.

Eventually, they came to an empty corridor, save for gigantic double doors standing ominously at the end of the hall. Rey’s eyes widened as they came to a stop.

“You’re on your own, now,” one stormtrooper behind her whispered.

She stared back in disbelief. They stared facelessly back. The two holding her by the arms shoved her forward. One of them called out, “Sir, she’s here!”

The doors slowly creaked open and Rey’s heart caught in her throat as he stepped out, still without a mask. The circles under his eyes were more pronounced than she’d ever seen them, and he looked like he was ready to throw up. Suddenly, Rey very much preferred when he wore the mask.

He walked slowly toward her as all the stormtroopers left them, and in her state of shock, she allowed him to take and guide her by the shoulder through the double doors.

The space they entered was dark and cavernous. It seemed to swallow Rey whole. She shrunk in on herself subconsciously.

He paused in the middle of the floor, his hand tightening on her shoulder. “Stand here,” he whispered gruffly.

He backed away, making Rey feel incredibly alone. She shivered. “Where-” she began quietly.

Her question hadn’t even had time to completely form when a hologram flickered to life in front of her. She jumped at the brightness and abruptness of the image but realized that the one the image was of was far scarier than the activation of it. She stared in horror as the figure took shape. What sat in front of her when the picture had completely adjusted was what her worst nightmares were made of. This was something she was sure she’d never be able to get out of her head.

Snoke was towering over her.

* * *

“The girl I’ve heard so much about,” Snoke droned. “The newest apprentice of the all-powerful Skywalker.”

Kylo stood in the shadows far behind the girl, watching with his heart in his throat. The only people present were Snoke, the girl, the guards that lined the walls, and himself. The only real light in the room emanated from the image of Snoke, casting ghastly shadows about the room. The girl had not moved once since Snoke had appeared.

‘Stand up straight,’ he willed her in spite of himself. ‘Make yourself less of an easy target.’

To his surprise, not long after he’d finished the thought, it seemed she had it on her own. She straightened herself out, squaring her shoulders. Her face set and her hands tightened into fists. “How kind of you to announce me.”

The ire in her voice was clear, and the guards by the door stiffened, causing Kylo to tense as well. Thankfully, Snoke waved them off and Kylo relaxed. Though, he _was_ confused by his restlessness. This was _her_ meeting with Snoke, not his. He had nothing to worry about.

_Except her._

‘Stop it,’ he berated himself. ‘Pay attention.’

“A bit of an attitude problem, have we?” Snoke was saying. “We’ll soon fix that, I assure you. You will learn respect.”

“Not for you, I won’t”

Kylo’s eyebrows shot into his hairline and his anxiety spiked. He shrunk back against the wall, preparing himself for her screams. They never came. He opened his eyes to find that the two of them were still held in their staring match. He tentatively stood up straight again.

“We shall see.” He shifted in his seat, almost looking amused. “What do you think of my other apprentice, Kylo Ren?”

She was clearly not as amused as Snoke. Her chin tilted upward. “He’s just as undeserving of my respect as you. Maybe even more so. Unless you killed _your_ father.”

That hit Kylo like a punch to the gut. He bit the inside of his cheek to make sure he didn’t do or say something he’d regret later.

“Han Solo’s death was necessary for my pupil to achieve his full potential.”

Her frown deepened. “So you’re training him to be a heartless murderer?”

“I’m training him to fear nothing. He faced the demons of his past and he reigned over them. He is ruler of his fears. He is who he was meant to be”

The girl’s face twisted. “Killing someone does not make you brave. Not when that someone is innocent. It makes you cruel. It makes you a _coward._ You’re saying that you’d rather get rid of any problems you have instead of fixing them so everyone wins.”

“If everyone wins, it is not a victory.”

“Victory shouldn’t be the most important thing in a conflict. It should be peace.”

Snoke leaned forward in his chair. “Your ideals are why the Resistance will lose this war.”

“Or it will be those very ideals that gain _you_ a defeat.”

The girl seemed to be moving closer as their conversation progressed, becoming more and more aggressive as she became more and more sure of herself and her cause. This was having the exact opposite effect on her that Snoke had desired.

“Han Solo was an obstacle Kylo Ren had to overcome. He did so successfully.” Snoke’s voice was low, his tone ominous. “He did what was necessary to become what he was meant to be.”

Though the lighting in the room was horrible, the flush that rose to her cheeks could not be mistaken. She was furious, disgusted. _“People are not obstacles to be overcome.”_

Snoke slammed his fist on the arm of his throne, clearly at the end of his rope. His patience was no more. He’d had enough. “When they are standing between you and the power you can wield, they _are.”_

“You’re despicable,” the girl said softly, almost too softly to be heard.

Kylo swallowed thickly. He expected Snoke to snap her neck where she stood. Instead, he saw something he was sure he hadn’t ever seen before; Snoke’s maw twisted into what Kylo was sure was supposed to be a smile.

“You’re right,” he answered in a voice almost as soft as hers. “I am. And because of that, I get what I want.”

Her eyes narrowed in a defiant stare. “Not from me.”

Snoke’s smile twisted into a scowl. He growled, curling the fingers of his right hand. The girl yelped loudly, dropping to her knees. She curled in on herself, her breathing shallow. To his horror, a moment later, Kylo, too, felt pain. He sucked in a deep breath, throwing a hand against the wall to steady himself. He was confused. Why was he being punished? Was it for bringing her here before she was ready? Was it for failing to bring her to their side? He still had weeks to do so.

The girl screamed, and the pain he felt also intensified. He grunted, dropping to his hands and knees and landing in the small beams of light Snoke’s hologram cast over the space. He tensed up, though everything in him was screaming for him to relax, to let the pain roll through him. He couldn’t.

Over the girl’s screams, he could’ve sworn he heard Snoke mumble in confusion.

Confusion about what?

Abruptly, the pain stopped, and Kylo sagged. He looked up to see Snoke sitting back in his chair, his fingers steepled. “Interesting…”

Kylo dragged himself to his feet, shaking slightly. He used the wall for support. The scavenger struggled to even bring herself up on her elbows.

“We _will_ be meeting again,” he said to the girl. “I hope that you are more agreeable when we do.” He turned to Kylo, “Kylo Ren, I believe you have your work cut out for you. See to it that she is more cooperative next time. Until we meet again.”

The hologram flickered and disappeared and Kylo felt himself sag in relief. With its only real source of light gone, the room was almost completely dark, causing Kylo to pause so his eyes could adjust. When he could see somewhat, he staggered over to where he remembered the girl being and stretched a hand out. He touched what he assumed to be the girl’s shoulder and he pulled on her gently, prompting her to rise. She flinched away from him, a small whimper escaping her lips. Though he couldn’t see her face, he knew she was not in good shape. She clearly was terrified out of her wits.

His chest tightened. He remembered how hard it had been after Snoke had punished him for the first time. He could imagine she felt the same way he had. He crouched down next to her, slightly unsure of himself.

“Let’s go,” he said as gently as he could manage.

He found her wrist and stood up, pulling her to her feet. He let go of her wrist and took her instead by the shoulder, guiding her to the door. He nodded to the guards standing silently by, and they pushed the heavy doors open, allowing them to pass. Light from the corridor poured in and Kylo got his first good look at the girl. He inhaled sharply.

She was white as a sheet, covered in sweat, and shaking hard. Her eyes were wide and unfocused, her lips moving wordlessly, her entire body sagging. Kylo was carrying her more than he was leading her. The poor girl was shell-shocked.

However, a few moments in the light seemed to recenter her, and she suddenly straightened up, blinking rapidly. Kylo took her change in mood as his signal and invitation to become callous again, and he prodded her forward down the hall. She went without too much resistance.

It pained him to throw her back in her cell and chain her again once they arrived, but he did what he had to. She wouldn’t give him any other choice. She didn’t say a word as he led her inside, didn’t make a sound as he secured the chains. After he left the part of her cell protected by the barrier, he stood watching her. She never moved. Never looked him in the eye.

He left her still sitting silently in the corner.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as the door closed.

He meant it. And for once, he allowed himself to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you guys are enjoying this as much as I am, but this whole 'Kylo being completely and utterly confused by his feelings,' is my new aesthetic. 
> 
> Good news! I finished planning out the story chapter by chapter, and I now know exactly what's going to happen and how. Maybe this having it all completely planned out will make the process go faster? Possibly?
> 
> We can hope, right?
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this update! Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girl was unrecognizable.
> 
> After almost two weeks of continuous abuse, she was beaten and weak beyond what Kylo had ever imagined she could handle. Amazingly, she seemed just as strong in her beliefs and her cause as before, if not stronger, but Kylo wasn’t sure how much more of this she’d be able to take. How much he’d be able to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have any pre-chapter announcements or anything. They'll all be at the bottom. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The girl was unrecognizable. 

After almost two weeks of continuous abuse, she was beaten and weak beyond what Kylo had ever imagined she could handle. Amazingly, she seemed just as strong in her beliefs and her cause as before, if not stronger, but Kylo wasn’t sure how much more of this she’d be able to take. How much  _ he’d  _ be able to take. 

Seeing her now was too much like living through it himself had been. He wondered if he’d ever looked as bad as she did now. If he  _ still _ did. Had anyone pitied him like he pitied her? Had anyone even glanced his way? Had he let them? Probably not. But he couldn’t help but feel bad for her now. For some reason, he couldn’t stand to watch when Snoke attempted to break her will. Struck her down over and over. It hurt him. And not just figuratively. 

He felt pain anytime she did. Anytime she cried or whimpered, he knew exactly why because he could feel it, too. At first, he’d thought he was being punished for something, as well. But eventually, he came to the conclusion that it was the bond Snoke insisted they had. If he could share feelings and memories, if he could have visions of her,  _ if he could see and hear her screaming in his head while he was writhing in pain,  _ then how hard was it to believe that they could share this pain? It wouldn’t be the craziest thing he’d heard in the past several months.

The girl sat slumped in her cell now, her head hung low. She was almost motionless, her breathing shallow. If Kylo thought about it hard enough, he could feel stinging where she had cuts and scrapes, soreness where there were bruises. This only helped to prove further Kylo’s theory. 

“If you would just cooperate with us,” he insisted, “we wouldn’t have to do this.”

She didn’t answer. Didn’t even slightly shift. 

“You wouldn’t have to stay in that cell. I could get you a real room. Real food. New clothes. We could get you cleaned up, and you’d be free-”

She mumbled something softly. He couldn’t hear her, but he was almost certain he knew what she’d said. 

“What was that?”

“I said,” she rasped,  _ “no.” _

Kylo resisted the urge to throw something. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t stand to see her go on like this. When he looked at her, he saw too much of himself. Of what he’d been through. He wouldn’t wish it on anyone. She was lost, like him, just trying to do what she felt was right, and trying to find a place to belong. Someone to belong to. But he couldn’t make what was happening stop unless she agreed to join them. Those were his orders. 

What could he possibly do to appeal to her? What could he do to get her to at least try to see things his way? When the answer suddenly hit him, it seemed so obvious that he berated himself for not coming to the conclusion sooner. It was a long shot, but any of his options had become that way. He had to at least try. 

“Please, Rey.”

She stiffened. So did he. He hadn’t realized how odd her name sounded coming out of his mouth. How surprising it was. He hadn’t even meant to say it. 

Her head shot up, confusion clouding her eyes, but that’s not what drew Kylo’s attention. He did his best not to step back in horror. He hadn’t seen her face clearly in the past several days - she’d always ducked her head as soon as they’d left the meeting room and wouldn’t look up until he was gone - and seeing it now was like seeing it in a nightmare. 

It was bruised and purple, one of her eyes black and still a little swollen. Dried blood was caked under her nose and around several gashes that needed to be tended to immediately. Her eyes were bloodshot, her lips were dry and cracked, and in the few places where she was relatively untouched, she was ghostly pale. Kylo felt all the blood drain from his own face. 

“How in the galaxy did he manage to do that to you?” he murmured. “He isn’t even  _ here.” _

Guilt hit at him like fists. How had he not seen this? How had he not wanted to do something about it before? Snoke might mean well, but this was  _ not  _ the way to get her to do what they wanted. 

“Remember when you left yesterday? And you didn’t set foot in the room again until he was finished with me for the day? He didn’t hold back as soon as you were outside that door.” 

Her voice was quiet and dry. Her words were bitter, meant to hurt him. They did just that. This was all his fault. He’d left her alone because he was too cowardly to watch what he’d caused. He was too concerned about going away to try and save himself to care about what happened to her. And because of that, she’d been beaten within an inch of her life. It was all his fault.

“I don’t think you realize that he tries to hide from you how horrible he can truly be,” she continued, pulling his attention back to her. “How horrible he used to be to you. Though it’s not like he has to try that hard. You follow him blindly. Without even thinking twice. You’ve seen all that he can do, all that he  _ does  _ do, and you still continue to stand for him. To defend and justify his actions. Your blind allegiance disgusts me.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. “You need medical attention,” he whispered instead.

“Don’t even bother,” she hissed. “I don’t want your help. I don’t want the fake pity and guilt that comes from what I just said. Another attempt to get me to side with you. If I die, I at least want to do so with some dignity left. I won’t let you build me up just so you can tear me down again. I won’t.”

Her words made sense to him. He knew he would feel the exact same way in her position. But he didn’t care. He wasn’t going to let her die because she was too stubborn to be treated. “You aren’t in a position to refuse. I’ll be bringing in a med droid shortly to attend to you, and if you resist, I will make it impossible for you to do so. You’re receiving medical attention. It’s not a suggestion. It’s an order.”

Before she could refuse once more, he left to find the nearest med droid. 

* * *

When he came back in with a med droid in tow several minutes later, Rey almost couldn’t believe it. She was surprised by his resolve. He was determined to get her medical attention. To help her. 

She didn’t really know how to feel about that. 

She’d ignore it for now. It was almost definitely a ploy. Something he would do and then hold over her head when she refused to join him.  _ But I’ve helped you,  _ he’d say.  _ I’m not all bad. This isn’t a bad place to be.  _ If she blocked it out, he wouldn’t be able to play with her conscience later. 

They strolled into her little corner of the cell, the med droid beeping and whirring as it scanned her for injuries. She eyed it warily, watching for any needles or other means of poison transferral. 

“We have to get you up on the table,” her captor said suddenly, startling her. “Can you stand?”

Defiance and stubbornness spiked, causing her chest to tighten. It hurt so badly to move, but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking she was broken. She put a hand on the wall behind her, using her one decent arm to attempt to push herself up. Her breathing grew shallow as she struggled to ignore the pain enough to stand. Out of the corner of her eye, she could’ve sworn he stiffened, shifting his weight. She licked her lips, taking a deep breath. 

‘You can do it, Rey, you’ve got this. All you have to do is stand. You can limp the rest of the way.’

She managed to pull herself a few inches up the wall. She almost thought she was going to make it. But she was shaking so hard under the simple strain of trying to lift herself off the ground that suddenly her hand slipped, causing her elbow to bang on the ground and her head against the wall. She yelped in pain, and distantly, she heard him hiss through his teeth. Her bad arm had hit against the wall, and the pain brought tears to her eyes. She was fairly certain it was either broken or dislocated. 

His face pale, he stepped towards her, stooping down. He reached out toward her and she shied away, holding her hands up defensively. 

“I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to help you. Unless you want to stay in pain?”

She stared at him for several long moments, trying to read his face. ‘What’s your end goal?’ she wanted to ask. ‘What do you want out of this?’ Finally, she looked away. 

“Just do it,” she mumbled. 

He slid an arm under her knees and another around her shoulders, shifting to pick her up. Before he could even lift her off the ground, pain exploded in her arm and shot up and down her body. She bit back a shout. Even before she’d reacted, he’d stiffened as well, biting his lip and taking a deep breath. She frowned, but she was in too much pain to really muse over it now. He rearranged his arms, somehow seeming to know exactly where the pain was the worst and adjusting to avoid it. 

“This is still going to hurt a little,” he said quietly. “I can only do so much.”

She nodded. He picked her up quickly and she gasped in surprise and pain, but it was much less intense than the last time and was only brief. Her arm, however, was in near-constant pain now. She held it in her good arm, trying to ignore the throbbing that occurred every other step. He winced as they moved as well, confusing her. Had he been being tortured by Snoke, too? Abused in the moments when she wasn’t there or wasn’t conscious? If he had been, it must have been where this sudden ‘sympathy’ came from now. She didn’t know for sure what was going on. All she knew right now was that she still didn’t trust a single word he said. So, she’d take the medical treatment. Fine. It really only benefited her in the long run. But she wouldn’t cave in the future just because of this act of ‘kindness.’

He set her down on the table, though not as gently as she would’ve liked given her state, prompting another flash of searing pain. He seemed to notice this and he was gone from the tableside so fast she didn’t even see him move. The droid came forward, cleaning and applying bacta patches to her cuts and scrapes that were now more accessible. But when it came to her arm...it was awful. The droid tried several times to gently prod her to find out what the problem was, but whenever it touched her arm, she squeaked and jerked away. After the third or fourth time, the droid rolled away from the table, facing the dark-robed man standing a few feet away. 

“Serious - injury - detected,” it droned. “Dislocated - shoulder - and - shattered - radius. I - will - need - to - pop - her - shoulder - back - into - place - and - perform - surgery - on - her - arm.” 

She didn’t like the sound of that. This was going to hurt. A lot. The droid rolled back over to the bed, a small metal arm extending from its middle and attempting to grab her wrist. She cried out in pain, fresh tears coming to her eyes. The droid rolled away again.

“You - will - have - to - hold - her - steady.”

Rey thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. Quickly, he composed himself. “I can’t do that.”

“Why - not?”

“Because I just...I don’t - I…” He floundered for several seconds before finally blurting. “Can’t you just put a bacta patch on it?”

He didn’t sound panicked like she’d expected him to. It sounded almost like he was  _ angry. _

“We - would - run - the - risk - of - her - arm - healing - abnormally.”

Rey shifted and pain shot up her arm again. She could be angry, too. This was  _ her  _ injury. And at the fault of  _ his  _ master, no less. “Just do it!” she yelled. 

Did she really enjoy the idea of his hands on her? No. Absolutely not. In fact, it was about the last thing in the galaxy she wanted. But right now, she didn’t care. Strong as she was, there was no way she was going to be able to sit still long enough for the droid to pop her arm back into its socket. Unfortunately, he was the only person available to help at the moment. The sooner they got this done, the better she’d be. 

He flushed and shuffled over behind her, fidgeting for a moment before the droid came around and bumped him closer. He hovered, not moving to help, and Rey rolled her eyes. She grabbed his wrist, bringing it around her waist. “Don’t let me move. That’s it. All you’ve got to do. Think you can handle that?”

He came closer behind her, wrapping his arms around her midsection. “I’m not stupid.”

“No, just pathetic.” She felt his mouth open and she swiveled her head to cut him off. “Your hands don’t wander either, understand?”

He flushed again, this time in embarrassment, shutting his mouth firmly. She turned to the droid, taking a deep breath. It rolled slowly up to her, extending its metallic arm and grabbing her wrist. Rey yelped again, but she couldn’t move away this time. The droid slowly shifted her arm and she fought back tears. 

The hands around her midsection tightened.  _ “Don't move.  _ I’m not doing this longer than I have to.”

“3…”

She nodded, closing her eyes. 

“2…”

She tensed up, the arms around her waist tightening even more. 

“1!”

She yelled as pain seized her left side, but it was only intense for a brief moment before it dulled down to achiness. She opened her eyes, breathing heavily, to see the droid pulling bacta patches from a compartment inside it. 

“For - the - soreness.”

Rey sighed in relief, though she was still in pain from her many other wounds. At least this one was taken care of. 

“Thank you.”

The arms wrapped around her quickly retracted. She hadn't realized how much she'd been relying on him for support; she almost toppled backwards off the table. 

“I - must - go - retrieve - more - supplies - for - surgery. Please - stand - by.”

The silence was louder than it had ever been once the droid rolled out of the room. He stood as far away from her as the confines of the cell would allow, his arms folded across his chest, his face set and turned determinedly away from her. She didn’t want to say anything, but the silence was crushing her. 

“There has to be another way.”

She turned to look at him, annoyed by his words but relieved that he’d broken the silence. He still wasn’t looking at her. He was staring off at something only he could see. It was clear he was trying to pretend to fix the problem. She didn’t care. She didn’t believe a word he said. Even if she did, this was a problem he’d caused in the first place. She had no sympathy for his plight.

“Killing me is the only way. I’ve told you several times. Seems your master can take me seriously on that claim. Why can’t you?”

He didn’t say anything. He stared at her, hard and long. Though he was silent, it was clear his thoughts were loud in his head. After a few moments, his gaze began to make her incredibly uncomfortable. She flushed and broke his stare, bowing her head. Finally, the med droid whirred back into the room. Whatever trance he was in broke as soon as the droid entered. It pulled up to the table, extending a metallic arm with a needle attached to the end. Rey shifted away. 

“No need,” the raven-haired man said, stepping forward. He turned to her, “It won’t take long.”

Before she could even register what it was he was doing, he waved a hand and she blacked out. 

* * *

Kylo stood in the corner of the cell. Watching as the med droid worked on his prisoner’s arm -  _ Rey’s _ arm - was an anxiety-inducing experience. Why? He couldn’t tell. Though he knew the droid was ultimately helping her, watching it cut her arm open in an unsterile environment where quite literally  _ everything _ could go wrong made him uneasy. He tried to distract himself with other things, but there weren’t many other things in the cell to distract himself with. So, he had to resign himself to his thoughts.

He’d given up entirely on trying to cram down his compassion for the girl. His concern. It was there. He’d accepted it. There was no use trying anything else. He’d decided that the reason for the compassion was because he saw himself in her. Watching as she was beaten down by Snoke was very much like watching himself go through the same thing. Needless to say, he’d also come to the conclusion that his reason for compassion was a very selfish reason, indeed. He only hated seeing her hurt because it was too much like seeing himself hurt. How much more selfish could you get with your selfless feelings?

Kylo’s eyes flicked back towards the droid to check its progress, abruptly regretting his decision and turning away when he saw it rearranging a piece of bone in her arm. 

Why was he even still here? Why was he watching? Hovering around like a worried relative when he was almost certainly only hindering the droid? Why did he care whether the surgery was a failure or success? 

The droid blipped from behind the table and as Kylo turned to look, an image flickered over his eyes. He blinked and it was gone. Anxiety turned his stomach sour.

_ Not again. _

He did his best to ignore it. 

After a few minutes, however, it became harder to ignore. It happened again, longer this time. It wasn’t anything, really. Just darkness. 

The next time it happened, he saw Rey. Not long enough to see what she was doing, but it was unmistakably her. Confused, he looked to the table to check that she was still lying there. She was, and just as still as before. 

_ “Hello?” _

He jumped, turning to look for the source of the voice. There was no one there. 

_ “Hello?”  _ he heard again.  _ “Ben, are you there?” _

It was Rey. He turned again to look at her, though before he even saw her, he knew she’d still look asleep. Suddenly, something clicked. Somehow, he knew what was happening. He closed his eyes, concentrating on her voice, on the image of her that he’d seen briefly. All at once, her voice and her image came into full focus. 

_ She was sitting as she usually did, her knees pulled up to her chest. “Ben, if you’re there, please answer me. Please, be there.” _

_ “Yeah,”  _ he managed, surprised by the echo his voice created.  _ “Yeah, I’m here.” _

_ She visibly relaxed. “Good,” she sighed. “I need your help.” _

Kylo opened his eyes. He was still standing in the corner of her cell. He hadn’t collapsed, hadn’t walked anywhere. He was still watching the droid as it finished repairing her arm enough to completely heal it with some bacta. 

He closed his eyes again, concentrating on Rey, and he was back in...wherever it was, with her. 

This was strange. 

_ “Are you okay?” she asked, her face twisted in concern. _

Kylo blinked.  _ “Uh, yeah,” he stuttered. “Just fine. I’m okay.” _

_ She squinted, her eyes searching. “Okay…” _

Deciding to give up on figuring out what was happening, Kylo just went with it.  _ “So, what did you need help with?” _

_ “I need advice.” _

Kylo snorted.  _ “I thought we’d established already that advice isn’t my strong suit.” _

_ “You’re my only option now.” _

Kylo immediately sobered; she wasn’t in a playful mood.  _ “Okay. Go ahead.” _

_ She sighed heavily, speaking slowly at first, then speeding up as she continued. “I need to get out of here. I can’t do this anymore. I have to find a way out. It shouldn’t be too hard. Most of the people here are incompetent. Except one. The leader. He’s smart. He knows what I’m up to, and I think he’s up to something, too. I just have to beat him at his own game. What do I do?” _

Kylo wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t disagree that her situation needed to change. Should he encourage her to escape? No. Almost definitely not. Though Snoke was being ridiculous in his methods, there still could be a way to convince him that there were other ways. He needed time to figure something out for her. So he should convince her to wait. Tell her that there was a plan, and she should sit tight. 

_ “Don’t do anything.” _

_ She looked like he’d just slapped her. “What?” _

_ “Don’t do anything. Just sit tight. Trust me, you’ll get out.” _

_ Her mouth dropped open. “Maybe when I’m  _ dead!  _ They’ll throw me out with the rest of their garbage!” _

Kylo licked his lips nervously.  _ “You’ll be fine, I promise.” _

_ “I won’t just sit here and die.” _

_ “There’s a plan in place,”  _ Kylo insisted.  _ “You just have to trust me. Please.” _

He was lying. Right through his teeth. Making the whole thing up on the fly, though he knew that if she asked enough questions, or even one that was worded just enough to trick him, the lie would fall through. 

_ “How do you know?” _

Of course, the one question he didn’t have an answer to would be the first one she’d ask. He stuttered, floundering for a moment.  _ “I just do,”  _ he answered lamely.  _ “I can’t tell you very much more. You just have to trust me.” _

His heart jumped as she stood up.  _ “Who  _ are  _ you?” _

He swallowed hard.  _ “I’ve told you before, my name is Ben.” _

_ Her eyes narrowed. “I’ve never met a Ben with the Resistance.” _

Kylo’s heart was pounding. She was wising up. She was going to figure it out. She was going to  _ know. _ He would lose everything he’d been using to his advantage thus far. All leverage, all means of unrestricted communication, gone. He backed away a few paces.  _ “I’m a new recruit. I just joined about a month ago. I can’t tell you anything else. It’s classified.” _

_ She cocked an eyebrow. “Classified? Really? Well, I’m with the Resistance. You can trust me.” _

_ “I...I don’t-” _

_ She took a step towards the rim of her circle.  _

_ “What are you doing?”  _ Kylo asked, his voice low.

_ She didn’t answer him. She took another step closer.  _

_ “What are you  _ doing?” he asked again, panic rising in the back of his throat.  _ “I’ve told you what’ll happen if you come out here.” _

_ She squinted out into the darkness, taking a deep breath. “You know,” she said softly, “I’ve been thinking about something since then.” _

_ “And what’s that?” _

_ “This darkness...it makes you afraid, right? You’re afraid of it. That’s why it affects you.” _

Frowning, Kylo nodded.  _ “I guess so, yes. Where are you going with this?” _

_ “You see...I’m not afraid.” _

And she stepped out into the darkness. Kylo could’ve sworn his heart stopped. He braced himself for her screams of terror, stepping even farther away. They didn’t come. Instead, he watched in mixed awe and horror as the darkness around her faded into a lighter color. 

_ “What?”  _ he murmured to himself. 

This was crazy. In fact, it wasn’t happening at all. It couldn’t be. She wasn’t out wandering in the dark, and he wasn’t dreaming while he was awake. This wasn’t real. It wasn’t happening.

_ “Where are you?” _

But it was. 

Panicked, Kylo opened his eyes, forcing himself out of the dream. Everything was still the way he’d left it. The med droid was finishing up on Rey’s arm, stitching it up and applying copious amounts of bacta. His eyes flew to her face. She hadn’t moved. In fact, she looked peacefully asleep. But Kylo knew that somewhere inside her mind, inside  _ his,  _ she was defying the laws of everything he’d ever known.

This girl was a force to be reckoned with, and it was about time that everyone, not just him, started acting accordingly. Something had to be done about her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally going to be about 2-3k words longer, but I figured that would be a lot, so I saved it for the next update. 
> 
> About the next update, this will probably be the last one before the end of November. I might be able to squeeze the next chapter out, but I'm visiting family all next week for Thanksgiving, so it'll depend on the amount of downtime I have. I'm really behind on my NaNoWriMo project, so for the time being, I'll be dedicating most of my writing time to that.
> 
> Also, only four more weeks until The Last Jedi! Who else is beyond excited? I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle myself in the final week leading up to it. It's so close you guys. Thank you so, so much for spending time reading my story while you wait! Hope you all enjoyed. Comments are always appreciated. Until next time!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey didn’t have a single ally left in this corner of the galaxy, and she knew it. The one person she thought she could count on, the only one she had left to turn to, had been absolutely unhelpful. He’d left without a word after giving the most counterproductive advice she’d ever been given. He’d encouraged her to do nothing. Nothing. Where would doing nothing get her? If she were to take his word for it, apparently it would get her rescued. But did she even have a real reason to trust him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know I said I wouldn't be posting another chapter, but then November 19th, 2017, happened, and I couldn't wait. For obvious reasons. My NaNoWriMo project will have to wait until next year. 
> 
> I'm so excited about the movie, and excited about this chapter, so I'll let you read it!
> 
> Enjoy!

Rey didn’t have a single ally left in this corner of the galaxy, and she knew it. The one person she thought she could count on, the only one she had left to turn to, had been absolutely unhelpful. He’d left without a word after giving the most counterproductive advice she’d ever been given. He’d encouraged her to do nothing. _Nothing._ Where would doing nothing get her? If she were to take his word for it, apparently it would get her rescued. But did she even have a real reason to trust him?

Rey had never met this man before face-to-face. She didn’t know what he looked like, and only vaguely knew what he sounded like. She had no real clues as to who he was, and he seemed determined to keep it that way. That set her on edge. If he were being honest about who he was, why would he need to hide? What would he even _have_ to hide? She couldn’t help but get a bad feeling about the real identity of this ‘Ben.’

She’d decided to trust him for now, but she needed a Plan B in case he was lying about her being rescued and things went downhill.

At this point in her stay here, however, she just had to keep resisting. Had to keep fighting against Snoke and those who worked under him. But it was becoming increasingly more difficult to do so. Her hunger pangs only hurt worse as the days wore on, but she’d decided that she’d rather die of starvation than eat any of the food they’d offered her. More than the hunger, the crushing feeling of being completely and utterly _alone_ weighed on her heavily. That pain was harder to ignore.

About three times a day, she thought about taunting Snoke until he snapped and killed her. The quick breaking of her neck would be better than this slow descent into madness. But she had to stay strong. What if one day, someone did come for her? What if Poe or Finn came and risked their life to save her, only to find that she was dead?

No, she wouldn’t just roll over. There had to be some way she could be productive. Some way she could make her situation better.

The clatter of a tray on the metal floor of her cell startled her. She looked up at the small droid that had delivered her meal. It stopped for a moment, staring at her before it pinged and rolled away. It moved between light and shadow, chirping softly. The small beeps echoed in the hallway. Rey kicked the plate away as the door shut, an idea forming. She knew how she could help herself.

If she could figure out if Ben was actually with the Resistance, then she could figure out whether or not she would actually be rescued. If he was lying, she could start thinking of a way out and when to execute it sooner. Then she’d be able to leave. She could go back to the Resistance. Back to Finn. She could leave Luke behind. He clearly didn’t care about her. She could choose the way she wanted to fight, instead of being told how she was expected to. She had to admit, that future sounded like a pretty good one to have.

Rey rolled over in an attempt to sleep. She was going to find out who Ben was. Who he _really_ was. She’d figure out how to move forward from there.

* * *

She was healing nicely, he was told. Her arm was almost completely healed, her bruises had faded to just about nothing, and her cuts and scrapes were no more than scars. Physically, she looked good as new. Mentally, however...she was an entirely different story.

Something had certainly changed about her demeanor. The hours and hours of torture she’d been subject to were beginning to take their toll. While she wasn’t showing any signs of giving in to it, she was certainly being worn down by its effects. The fire she’d possessed when she’d first arrived was now only a small flame. She rarely had a snippy retort to throw back in his face when they spoke, anymore. In fact, it was a miracle if she spoke at all.

Still, he made his daily visits to her cell, some small, stupid part of him hoping every time that it would be different.

“Have you eaten?”

She didn’t speak, but she didn’t really have to. He already knew the answer was no. It was obvious that she hadn’t eaten in a very long time. She was sallow and pale, and looking at her made Kylo nauseous. He could feel her pangs of hunger if he thought about them long enough. He heard her stomach growl and she shifted, curling in on herself slightly. Though he’d eaten not long ago, for a moment, his stomach felt empty, too.

He was starting to believe more and more that the two of them were connected in a way he couldn’t understand. Whenever he thought about her for an extended period of time, he’d feel things he knew he had no reason to feel. Hunger pangs, for example, plagued him constantly. If he was honest, he hadn’t been eating very well recently, but even when he ate, they didn’t go away. No matter how much food he forced down his throat, nothing changed. The only conclusion he could come to that was somewhat logical was that Snoke was telling the truth. They had a connection that two beings rarely ever shared. So, sure, he’d believe it. Even just warily.

“Have you eaten?” he asked again, his tone a little more forceful.

“I don’t want anything from you,” she snapped. “I’d rather starve.”

Kylo swallowed his annoyance. After all, he had to keep in mind, she was the one suffering, here. “You don’t mean that.”

She turned and flashed him a glare to kill a wampa. “How do you know?”

He held up his hands placatingly. “I don’t mean anything by that. I just don’t think you want to die. Besides, I need you alive. If you starve to death, you’re no good to anyone. You need to eat something.”

“How can I trust that the ‘food’ you serve me hasn’t been poisoned or tampered with in any way? Unless I know for certain that something in the food isn’t going to either kill me or send me on a murderous rampage, I’m going to pass.”

“Why would we let your food be poisoned? I just told you I _didn’t_ want you dead.”

“I’d be truly moved if I believed you,” she droned, turning back around, “but you aren’t the only person on this base. There could be, and probably are, several other people who _do_ want me dead. And if they wanted to kill me, something tells me you wouldn’t try very hard to stop them.”

“All of your food is tested before it’s sent to you. I personally oversee the whole process.”

" _That’s_ comforting.”

He rolled his eyes, glad she couldn’t see his face. “There _are_ measures in place to ensure your relative safety, at least until we reach Snoke. Though I’m sure you believe the opposite to be true, I’d take no pleasure in watching you die an agonizingly slow death.”

“Would you stop that?” she growled.

Kylo stepped back from her, a little startled. “Stop what? I haven’t done anything.”

She turned to him again, real confusion glinting in her eyes. “You really don’t know?”

He gave her an incredulous look. She rolled her eyes.

“You keep...pretending. You keep pretending that you give a bantha’s backside what happens to me. You keep pretending that you want to help. You keep pretending to understand. You don’t understand! You don’t get what this is like! Do you really think I’m that stupid? That I’m that naive? I’m not dumb enough to be manipulated into trusting you just so you can lead me like an akk dog into the trap that is the First Order. You aren’t going to get what you want from me.”

“How do you know what I want?” Kylo spat, his frustration bubbling over as he stepped towards her. “How do you know I don’t understand? _How do you know I don’t want to help you?”_

He’d stunned her into silence. She stared at him blankly, and he felt himself flush. He wished, suddenly, that there was a way to vacuum his words from the air. He knew as soon as his head cleared that he’d made a huge mistake, and it was going to take a lot to recover from it.

“What do you mean by that?” Rey whispered after a long moment.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, running a nervous hand through his hair. “Just forget it; it’s not important.”

She rolled her eyes, finally spinning back around. “Whatever.”

It was silent for several minutes afterwards. He awkwardly opened his mouth several times to speak, but nothing he could think to say was very intelligent, so he refrained.

The back of her looked as pitiful and sad as the front did. She was losing so much weight so fast. Every time she breathed, he could count the bones in her spine. It was easier to see that she was shivering from this angle, and violently so. Her shoulders sagged, and she seemed to cave in on herself. He could feel the sympathy rolling through him in waves.

Suddenly remembering something, his hand went to his side. He’d tied a small sack there, hidden it in his cloak. He moved to untie it, sighing. “I probably shouldn’t do this, but my orders were to keep you alive.”

She didn’t even flinch in response to his words. He pulled the bag from his side and stood up, opening the transparisteel door to her cell. He debated tossing it to her. Odds were, she wasn’t going to respond well to him being in her space. Still, he decided against it. It seemed more like a peace offering if he was gentle in its delivery. Slowly, he walked towards her, holding it out for her to take. He gently nudged her shoulder, “Rey.”

She didn’t even turn to look at him.

“Take it. It’s for you.”

This time, she tilted her head just enough to watch him out of the corner of her eye.

“They’re rations from our supply. _My_ rations, actually. There’s only just enough for everyone, so they’d notice if I took more than my due. But something tells me that you need them more than I do this week.”

This time she turned her head to face him completely, eyeing him, then the bag, then him again.

“Yes; this is an entire week’s worth of food. Right here, for you. It’s probably not much better than what you’ve been getting, but at least you can be sure it’s not poisoned.”

She still didn’t reply, but her suspicion was evident. Kylo shifted his weight, annoyed. “I’m sure you can trust that my own personal rations aren’t poisoned. They’re distributed evenly at the start of every week; there’s no way of knowing who gets what. No one would risk poisoning themselves in an attempt to get to me or anyone else. And I haven’t tampered with them, either, if you’re worried about that. I just went and picked them up from the distribution station. I haven’t even opened them.”

She turned completely away from him. He bristled.

He was doing something _nice_ for her. Something he hadn’t done for anyone in a long time. He was doing everything he could think of to accommodate and assure her to the best of his ability, seeing as she was, in fact, his _prisoner._ And she was still going to act like his only goal was to kill her?  

“Damn it, Rey!” he shouted suddenly. “Take them! You aren’t proving a single thing by resisting this except that your pride will carry you to your grave, and I’m not going to sit here and watch you die because you’re too stubborn to stomp it down for two seconds and eat! Either take this now, or I’ll find a way to pump nutrients straight into your system. You will not be dying of starvation onboard this shuttle. Not if I have any say.”

She swiveled around to face him, her eyes narrowed. He cocked an eyebrow, holding out the bag. She glanced at it before ripping it out of his hands, plopping it in her lap. He sighed, relieved, as she returned to staring fixedly at the wall. At least she’d taken them. It was enough for now.

“I’ll be back to make sure you’ve eaten something in a few hours.”

She gave a noncommittal nod. He basked in his temporary relief as he walked out of her cell. It only lasted so long. Now that he’d fixed one problem, the others he had became glaringly obvious. Revealing himself to her in their dreams was the next item of concern. She’d come so close to finding him on her own the other day. Too close. And instead of thinking it through and finding a reasonable solution, Kylo had panicked. He’d simply reacted, not giving any thought to how he could use the situation to his advantage. That was always how it worked when it came to decisions regarding the girl. Kylo suddenly lost the ability to slow down and think; he became a simple creature that reacted purely on instinct and first impressions of the data presented. Panic and react. Don’t think through, don’t plan - do.

That needed to change.

So, he’d decided to plan ahead. He’d tell her, the next time they met. He’d let her know who he really was, and maybe, coming clean on his own would give her a reason to trust him. Then he’d be able to use that trust to get her to cooperate. Then maybe things would be a little smoother in his life. He wouldn’t have to watch her suffer, and there wouldn’t be any more reason for him to worry.

He knew exactly what he needed to say. Exactly what he needed to do. He had his plan. Now, he just had to carry it out.

* * *

_This was it. This was when she would find out who she’d been sharing dreams with for the past several weeks. She was completely prepared to chase him down and tackle him, if she had to. It was happening tonight. No excuses._

_It was kind of strange, really. She was incredibly nervous about it, if she was honest. She was slightly nauseous and her palms were clammy. She didn’t have a good feeling about this at all. She dreaded when he finally showed up. But this had to happen sometime. She couldn’t hold it off any longer than she already had. She tried not to overthink it._

_He seemed to take hours longer than he usually did, and Rey sat waiting impatiently through every one of them. Still, it didn’t seem like it had been long enough when he finally did appear._

_“Rey?”_

_She jumped at his voice, halting her pacing. After a beat, she turned to face him, her heart in her throat. “Ben,” she stuttered, brushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear._

_She fumbled with her words, suddenly tongue-tied in the face of what she had to do. She couldn’t just outright say, “You’re not who you say you are!” but she didn’t have a way to lead into the conversation. She hadn’t really thought about that part of it._

_“Rey, about what happened last time...there’s something we should talk about. Something you should know.”_

_She looked up in his direction, her eyes wide in disbelief. Apparently, he’d been having the same thoughts she had. Her heart rate sped up and she swallowed hard. ‘You want this,’ she reminded herself. ‘You need this.’ She nodded, moving to sit down. “Okay,” she said quietly. “Let’s talk, then.”_

_“I haven’t been completely honest.”_

_His voice was quiet and his words were hard to make out. He was mumbling. He sounded ashamed. Rey clasped her hands together so hard her knuckles turned white. Still, she prompted him to continue._

_“My name...isn’t Ben.”_

_Her stomach dropped._

_“And I’m not with the Resistance.”_

_Even though she’d had her suspicions, this was a blow. Her blood went cold and immediately the fear and uncertainty she’d first felt in this place returned tenfold. This wasn’t a safe space anymore. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears as she spoke. “So, who are you, then?”_

_It was silent. Painfully so. Rey could feel herself leaning forward, anxious to hear his response. She hadn’t breathed since she’d spoken. She could hear him shifting in the darkness, but he didn’t speak._

_She opened her mouth to repeat her question, but as she did so, she heard footsteps. Slow at first, but quickly accelerating. Her eyes widened and she scooted backwards, instinctively putting as much distance as possible between herself and her potential assailant. ‘I’m going to die,’ she thought fleetingly. ‘The man I’ve been stuck here with is some sort of crazy, and he’s going to kill me.’_

_She closed her eyes, attempting to wake herself. This had been a mistake; she needed to get out of here. This wasn’t a plan, this was a half-baked suicide mission. She had to wake up._

_And then suddenly the footsteps stopped. Not as soon as they usually did, but they’d stopped. Rey opened her eyes. She could hear him shifting, and he sounded close. Closer than he’d ever been. Just outside the edge of her circle._

_She felt like she was going to throw up._

_“Whatever you’re doing,” she said, hoping her voice sounded steadier than she felt, “it’s not going to work. You can’t hurt me.”_

_He was silent for a moment before he chuckled softly. The sound that once brought her comfort now sent her anxiety levels skyrocketing. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I don’t want to. I promise you, I won’t.”_

_Rey didn’t believe it for a second. Still…_

_Curious, she stepped closer. “Who are you?”_

_Another pause, shorter this time. “Come out here.”_

_Her eyes almost popped out of her head. “Where I can’t see anything? Where you have the advantage? I think not.”_

_“I already told you I wouldn’t hurt you.”_

_“It wouldn’t be the first time you’d lied to me.”_

_He didn’t respond to that. It was silent again. There was no movement. Rey wondered if he’d left. She stood up slowly._

_“I saw you come out here the other day.”_

_He scared her out of her skin with his abruptness. She clenched her fists, both in annoyance and in an attempt to calm her racing heart. “What?”_

_“I watched you when you came out here the other day. Some of that light followed you. And that was it. Nothing else happened, that I could see. You didn’t have the nightmares. How did you do that?”_

_It wasn’t the conversation she’d expected, but she’d oblige. “I told you, I’m not afraid. You can’t really be affected by your nightmares if you know they aren’t real.”_

_A beat of silence, then, “i can’t go in there with you. That’s why you have to come out here.”_

_“You can’t come in here?”_

_“If I could, I would. Because you’re right; I’ve been lying to you this whole time. You have absolutely no reason to trust me.”_

_Rey frowned. “Why can’t you come in?”_

_“I haven’t stood inside that circle in years. And I told you from experience what would happen if you were in there and suddenly left. I don’t want you to have to suffer through my nightmares if something were to happen. I’ve already watched you suffer enough.”_

_“What? What do you mean by that? How have you seen me?”_

_“Rey, come out here.”_

_This wasn’t right. It wasn’t safe. Not in the slightest. She was terrified. But she wanted to know who he was. She needed to. She didn’t have a choice. Besides, how much could she be harmed in a dream?_

_She swallowed hard. Tentatively, she took a few steps towards him. ‘This is such a bad idea,’ her head screamed at her. ‘You’re going to get yourself killed.’ She found a way to ignore it. She forced herself to keep moving. She needed this. She_ needed _this. Soon, she found herself at the edge of the light. It felt like she was balancing on a precipice. Like if she took one more step, she would fall, and she might never be able to get back up again. Everything would change as soon as she saw who this was. She could feel it._

 _She was so close to him, now. Close enough to hear his breathing. Soft and slow and_ calm. _She tried to use that as reassurrance._

_Rey took a deep breath, shutting her eyes tightly and stepping out into the darkness. Just like last time, it felt like being submerged into freezing water. The darkness was suffocating, and it pushed in on her from all sides. It was only unbearably cold for a few moments, then everything went numb. Sounds were muffled, her movements were slowed, and when she opened her eyes, everything was hazy. It had been disorienting the first time, but as long as she kept her fear in check, nothing would hurt her. She forced another deep breath in and out of her lungs._

_“Where are you?”_

_Her voice sounded far away, like it wasn’t even hers. It echoed around her, stretched and distorted by this strange place._

_“Take a few more steps forward.”_

_His voice sounded different, too. It was clearer now. No longer scrambled by echoes and other white noise. She’d vaguely recognized it before, but now it was terrifyingly familiar. Even before she took the few steps, she knew who it was. She knew, but it didn’t register. She still had to see him, still had to recognize his face for it to be completely true. But dread filled her, overpowering her anxiety. It_ was _true._

_Seeing his face in the grey light that followed her was simply the icing on the cake._

_“No,” she whimpered, her voice quivering. “No, it_ can’t _be you.”_

_She was pleading. Begging the Force to change what was happening._

_“It can’t. Not you._ Anyone _but you.”_

_He nodded, and had Rey not been so floored, she would’ve been incredibly confused by the fact that he seemed apologetic. “I should’ve told you sooner. I just didn’t know…” he trailed off._

_Rey couldn’t form thoughts. There were only feelings. Instincts. But they were so overwhelming and sudden that she couldn’t process a single one of them._

_“But I thought that maybe if I told you now, you’d know that I mean no-”_

_“Stop. Just - just stop.”_

_Her head was spinning. She felt sick. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. Luke couldn’t be right about this. She couldn’t have shared the things she had with_ him. _She couldn’t have been that vulnerable in the presence of this monster._

_He stepped toward her, his brow furrowed in what she was sure he meant to be concern. But that wasn’t what he actually felt. It couldn’t be. This couldn’t be happening._

_He reached out and her stomach turned. She scrambled backwards. “Don’t touch me!”_

_In her haste, she tripped, sending her sprawling. Still, she crawled away from him as fast as she could. Fear gripped her, coupled with disgust. She had to leave as fast as she could. She felt unclean just from sharing a space like this with him. He’d seen her weak and tired, he’d heard her complain about her situation, he’d watched her on the verge of a breakdown, and even heard her make jokes about him being...well, himself. No wonder he thought she could be manipulated. No wonder he thought he could win just by showing kindness. She’d practically laid all her weaknesses in a display case for him to view at his pleasure. She’d made it so_ easy.

_And he hadn’t had to lift a finger._

_She hit her light spot sooner than she expected and scrambled to her feet. Breathing hard, she closed her eyes, willing herself awake._

_“Rey, please, just listen-”_

_He said more, but she refused to hear it._

_‘Wake up. Wake up, Rey.’_

_“Rey,_ please-”

_‘You have to get out of here; wake up!’_

Her eyes flew open. She sat up so fast her head spun. Nausea smacked her like a brick. She turned and retched, heaving until everything she’d eaten for her first meager meal in days left her stomach. Even after she’d finished, she sat hunched over, sobs wracking her small frame. She cried until her throat was raw, her tears pooled in the floor beneath her. She didn’t have many tears to cry. She hadn’t had enough water to sustain tears for even a few minutes. Still, she heaved dry sobs.

This was wrong. So very, very wrong. The person she’d confided in, who she’d run to for comfort, was _not_ supposed to be her enemy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. _It couldn’t be like this._ She was living in a nightmare. She had to be. Things couldn’t be this bad.

But she knew, deep down, past all her layers of denial, that things were far worse than she even realized.

* * *

He’d heard her.

As soon as she’d left the dream, he’d woken up as well and flown from his bed. He’d raced down the halls to her cell, expecting her to be feral, screaming at the top of her lungs and throwing things. But that hadn’t been what he’d heard at all. What he’d heard had been worse. The sounds echoing inside that small cell threatened to tear him to pieces.

This had not been the result he wanted at all. He’d expected her to be angry, not broken. And he _knew_ she was broken. Not strained, not breaking, _broken._ He knew because he’d made those sounds, too. Usually after one of Snoke’s Force-induced nightmares. He knew because he’d been broken before. And along with this awful memory came the realization that _he_ was one of her nightmares. Unintimidated as she seemed to be, he terrified her.

That was a hard thing for Kylo to swallow.

He hadn’t gone in the room. Hadn’t even opened the door. He’d stood with his forehead against it, listening. Waiting. For what, he didn’t know. He didn’t leave until he could no longer hear her.

The guilt that he felt when he came to retrieve her for their meeting with Snoke was excruciating.

He’d watched as she shrieked and thrashed, something she’d never done before. It became such a problem that the two stormtroopers he’d brought in with him weren’t enough. They had to summon several more just to hold her down long enough to uncuff her. Then, Kylo had taken her, not willing to risk the ‘troopers losing her. He’d held her around her waist and carried her the entire way there, keeping her arms pinned firmly to her sides. She’d wriggled and thrashed, but Kylo didn’t have the heart to knock her out. She had a valid reason to be upset.

He’d released her at the foot of Snoke’s throne, and didn’t leave her side until Snoke ordered him to. She lay in a heap on the ground, curled in on herself. She didn’t respond when Snoke spoke to her, which only made her situation worse. Despite the complete mess of a state she was in, Snoke was merciless and cruel, grinning as he inflicted all sorts of torture on her, her screams echoing loudly in Kylo’s ears as she writhed in pain. Though she didn’t have enough water in her malnourished body for tears, dry sobs followed her screams.

It hurt. Watching this hurt. But Kylo stood in the shadows and watched. He wouldn’t leave her alone. Not this time. He welcomed her pain as if it were an old friend. Let it roll through him. If she had to feel it because of him, he’d at least bear some of the burden with her. Every sob stabbed him like a knife in his side, and he let it. He let her suffering tip the scales. He let her pain turn him against Snoke. This wasn’t what he wanted anymore. He saw now that there was no reasoning with this man who he’d once called master.

Because of this, he stood in the corner of the room, tears falling silently from his eyes. Some were from the pain, yes. But most of them were from the guilt, the pity, the _anger._ He felt betrayed. He’d been lied to.

He needed to leave. Leave and take her with him. Let her go free. And he could run. Find somewhere else to go. Someone else to be. He _was_ someone else now. She’d changed him. While before, he would’ve run at the first sign of personal discomfort and pain, he now stood firmly, accepting pain for someone else. For her. For his _enemy._

Kylo Ren closed his eyes. He felt her pain, all of it, surging through every part of his body. He felt tears fall down his face. He took a deep breath in and out. He stayed by the scavenger’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cackles*
> 
> I really hope you guys loved it. This chapter is definitely a turning point, and I'd love to hear what y'all think! Comments are always appreciated! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in a long while, Rey almost longed for death. She wanted to roll over and close her eyes, never to open them again. It would be a better alternative to what she was experiencing now. She was done fighting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm here with the update much sooner than expected, and with a longer chapter than normal, as well! Hopefully, that makes up for the wait. 
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you so much to those of you who commented, saying you wanted me to continue. Never could I have imagined that so many people would want this to continue despite its canon-divergence. Thank you for agreeing to stay with me on this wild ride!
> 
> Please enjoy!

For the first time in a long while, Rey almost longed for death. She wanted to roll over and close her eyes, never to open them again. It would be a better alternative to what she was experiencing now. She was done fighting.

She had no one. Nothing. Not a person on her side that she could go to for help or support, and she was too tired to give it to herself. She’d been through so much in such a short amount of time, it was near-impossible to cope with it all. It had only been a few weeks since she’d arrived, but her visit had started bad and turned worse, fast. She was beaten within an inch of her life constantly, she hadn’t eaten anything decently portioned since she’d arrived, and sleep was no longer an option for her. Not if _he_ would be there every time she closed her eyes. She wondered if she’d ever be able to sleep again. If she’d ever be able to chase him out of her subconscious, or if he’d just always be there. Always be watching. For now, she was simply focused on staying as far away from him as she could, given the circumstances.

He didn’t seem to want the same distance.

He came in every single day. He sat silently outside, though sometimes he’d attempt conversation. Rey never indulged him, so it was rare that he tried anymore. But she felt him there, watching her. Sensed him. It’s not like she had to try very hard to do so.

Ever since the revelation that he was the one she saw in her dreams, she’d become completely and irrevocably aware of their connection. His Force signature sat like a sore in her psyche, irritating and almost impossible to ignore. Rey wasn’t sure how she’d managed to miss it before. Looking back, it had been there ever since her visions and other strange occurrences had come seemingly out of nowhere. In fact, she’d decided that it had been the cause of all her symptoms. The cause of this whole mess. She despised him for it; another thing to add to the long list.

Today, he sat outside her cell again, stubbornly keeping to the routine he’d made. Unfortunately, he also thought that it was a fitting time to attempt conversation for the umpteenth time.

“Rey,” he insisted, “I’m only trying to help. I know you have no reason to believe that. I know you have no reason to believe me at all, especially after what’s happened. I should have told you sooner. But I need you to believe me. I’m trying to save your life as well as mine.”

She didn’t move, didn’t even twitch. Even letting him _think_ that she was listening to any of his senseless ramblings would only make them worse.

“Please, Rey. This could get you home.”

Rey resisted the urge to turn to him, to his false hope. He wouldn’t get her home, he’d get her killed.

“It could also get you away from me. Forever. Help me out of here, Rey, help _yourself_ out of here, and I will go so far into some corner of the galaxy that you won’t ever have to worry about seeing me again. Ever.”

It sounded appealing. It was so, so tempting. But he knew that. That was the point. It was a ruse. It was fake. It was a _lie,_ just like everything else he’d ever said to her. It had to be. And she wasn’t going to be stupid enough to fall into his trap again. He’d lost his opportunity to trick her.

She tensed when she heard him sigh, heard his clothes shift as he stood. She could feel the frustration rising in him as if she were feeling it herself. Good. That meant she wasn’t giving him any hope.

“Our window to leave is closing,” he said quietly. “As soon as we reach Snoke, it might be too late.”

His tone was so grave that, for a moment, Rey was anxious. Maybe she should listen to him. Maybe he was right.

“The security will tighten. Almost a hundred times that of this base. There will be someone personally escorting us everywhere we go, watching our every move. There won’t be an easy way out. This could be our last chance. We have _days._ Not weeks, not months. Rey, you have to make this choice now. If you don’t, I’ll...I’ll be leaving without you.”

Something about the way he said it made him seem unsure. There was no way he’d leave this place, whether she agreed to come with him or not.

“You’d better go pack your things for your trip,” she spat weakly.

There was silence for a beat. She listened to the soft thuds of his boots as he left.

When the door closed, she curled in on herself, trying her hardest to ignore the grumbling of her stomach. She felt worse now that he’d left than she had before he’d come in. In fact, she felt worse now than she had in a very long time.

There was only one thing at the moment that Rey was absolutely sure of: though she’d won this battle, at least for now, she was certainly losing the war.

* * *

Rey wouldn’t listen to him. Not even halfheartedly. She wouldn’t look at him, wouldn’t make sounds to acknowledge him. She wouldn’t eat. She wouldn’t even _sleep._ He knew because she hadn’t made an appearance in his dreams - a usually nightly occurrence anymore - since he’d told her who he was. She would die soon if he didn’t do something.

He’d considered taking matters into his own hands and forcing her into unconsciousness, but he didn’t know how restful her rest would really be if he did so. On top of that, he didn’t figure knocking her out would assuage the situation in waking hours. He’d leave that solution as his last resort. Surely, he wouldn’t have to use it. Surely she wasn’t stupid enough to let herself die for her pride. _Surely._

But as the days wore on, Kylo began to wonder. There was no change in her behavior, no change in her routine. She was getting progressively worse, and Kylo wasn’t sure how much longer she’d last.

He tried several times over the course of a few days to try and get her to come with him, doing so only when he was certain there was no one else within earshot, especially Hux. If Snoke got word of what was happening, they’d both be dead for sure. Fortunately, people tended to make themselves scarce when it came to Rey. They were more than aware of what she could do and didn’t want to be on the receiving end of it. For once, Kylo was grateful for her obnoxious amount of power.

But no matter how hard he tried, she would not listen. She wouldn’t cooperate. Not when he told her they were getting closer to Snoke, not when he told her that if she didn’t leave, he would do so without her, not even when he promised her that he would personally see to it that she made it back to the Resistance safely. He couldn’t say or do anything that would change her mind, it seemed, and their arrival to Snoke loomed closer and closer every second. With his relationship to his master already precariously close to shattering, Snoke would keep an extra eye on him at all times. He wouldn’t show an ounce of trust. Before, Kylo would’ve regarded that notion with disdain. Now, he realized Snoke had a very valid reason not to trust him; no one else in the galaxy would stay loyal to someone who treated them like Snoke treated him.

Had he really been that blind before? He must have been. He wouldn’t ever make the mistake of listening to that man again. He’d hurt too much, destroyed too much, under his direction. Getting Rey out of that monster’s clutches was his pathetic attempt at making amends. Saving her from the same fate he’d suffered was the only way he could think to start.

_If she would just listen to him._

“Rey, you have to sleep.”

He sat on the same bench he’d sat on for what felt like eons now, repeating the same words over and over. He felt like a damaged holorecording. She didn’t respond, per the usual. It made him want to tear his hair out.

She was looking worse than he ever remembered seeing her. Even after he’d killed Han, she’d had fight left. Now, there was nothing. She was no more than skin and bones; pallid, weak. She sagged. Every single thing about her drooped. It was clear she was getting sick. Not eating, sleeping, or bathing. She needed help. Any of it that she could get. But she was too stupid, too _stubborn,_ to admit that.

“Rey.”

Still nothing. He growled, standing to move closer.

“Are you going to respond at all? Turn around, look at me, twitch, _breathe?_ Anything?”

She sniffed. Frustration bubbled over in Kylo and he slammed his fist against the transparisteel. “Rey, look at me!” he bellowed.

The already-damaged surface splintered, but she didn’t even flinch. Kylo was starting to wonder if what he’d before assumed to be stubbornness was in reality simply lack of awareness. There was no way she could be this determined not to care.

“Rey, are you listening? Can you even hear me?”

When he got the silence he expected, he clenched his fists to keep from lashing out again. He was sick of being ignored when he was only trying to help. Yes, he understood that she had no reason to trust him after all he’d done, and he probably deserved every bit of this that he got. It didn’t make it any less frustrating. Still, he took a step back, taking a deep breath in an attempt to rein himself in.

“Please, Rey, stop doing this to yourself just to prove something. I don’t know if you’re trying to prove it to me, or to yourself...but it doesn’t matter,” he said quietly. “I believe you. I get that you won’t give in. I get that you won’t join me. But please, let me help you. I can get you out. Rey, you can go home. You can see your friend...your friend…”

What was his name? He’d heard her say it before.

“Finn.”

Her voice was small. But soft and pitiful as it was, it was there. So she _was_ listening. He brightened. “You can see Finn. I promise you, I will get you home, and I will go so far into some other corner of the galaxy that you will not so much as hear my name ever again. But I need you to trust me.”

She shifted her head slightly, which Kylo took as encouragement to continue.

“Eat something,” he insisted. “Sleep. Let me sneak you out of here for a while. You can have a decent meal, a decent cot, a bath. Let me do something. Anything.”

She breathed deeply, and for a moment Kylo thought she was actually going to say more than the two words she’d spoken in the past several days. Then she exhaled, turned away, and there was nothing.

“Fine,” he spat, moving towards the door. “Be that way. Just, try to sleep. We arrive at our destination in approximately 12 hours, and upon our arrival, we will be meeting with Snoke. If you want to stay alive, I suggest you be alert.”

“I’m not ever closing my eyes if it means I’ll see _you.”_

Kylo stopped in his tracks. Her voice was stronger this time, but by the way she sounded, she was crying. He turned slowly to face her again, slowly making what he was sure was a bad decision.

“I won’t be there.”

“You’re always there!” she shouted, whirling to face him for the first time in days.

The hopelessness her face projected almost made Kylo want to cry.

“Rey-”

“You never leave! I can never get away from you! Everything’s about you! Always you! Anywhere I turn, I find _you!_ Not people I want to see!”

Tears cleared away some of the dirt caked on her skin, streaking her face.

“I can never have a moment’s peace,” she hiccupped. “Never a moment to myself. Because _you’re_ always there. It’s always just _you.”_

The venom in her words startled him. He stepped closer. “I won’t be there. I won’t go to sleep, I promise. I’ll let you do that tonight.”

Rey sniffed, her face twisting again before she turned back around, swiping the back of her grimy hand across her eyes. “Don’t bother. I’m not taking my chances.”

Kylo huffed. “Rey, _please-”_

“No.”

“Fine,” he spat as he stormed back to the door. “Then I guess neither of us will be sleeping tonight.”

* * *

It had been an excruciatingly long night. Kylo knew that would mean nothing good for him in the long day that was surely awaiting him as soon as he stepped outside of the confines of his quarters. But if Rey had gotten even a little bit of sleep, they would both be better off for it.

He forced himself from his cot and moved to get dressed, pulling his clothes on almost angrily at the thought that she could’ve wasted an entire night’s sleep over her pride.

Was she that bullheaded? Hopefully not. Still, as Kylo trudged through the halls of the ship to her cell, he wasn’t holding out for any miracles.

The walk was long, and he wondered why he was even making it. Perhaps it was his one last-ditch attempt to get her to change her mind and leave with him. Perhaps it was insanity. Regardless, he forced himself to make the trek.

The halls were about as chaotic as they got when they were not in imminent danger. Officials and stormtroopers alike whirled about in groups, trying to get everything to look pristine before boarding Supremacy. Kylo barely noticed them. He was so tired, he could barely stand. He could only imagine how Rey must have been feeling. If he were in her position, he would’ve given into his exhaustion long ago. It’s not like she had much left to lose at this point. But, he reasoned, that was the difference between the two of them.

The button to unlock her cell was mocking him, he was almost sure. It blinked like it was laughing at his stupidity, as it knew as well as he did what he’d find inside. Rey, exhausted as ever, lying defiantly awake, staring him down. He rolled his eyes, punching in the code to unlock the door. Might as well get it over with. But the sight that met him when the door to her cell opened caused his stomach to twist.

For a moment, he thought she was dead.

She lay on her side, curled into herself, her back facing the door. She was completely still, and Kylo flew to the transparisteel barrier, crouching down to see her better. Had the lack of food and sleep finished her off? Had her constant mistreatment and abuse finally broken her? Kylo almost went into a full-on panic before her shoulders heaved in a deep breath. He relaxed, relieved that he wouldn’t have to explain how he’d killed the one person he was supposed to keep alive _and_ relieved that he wouldn’t have to live with her death on his conscience.

He stood, allowing a small, triumphant grin to cross his face. Whether she’d trusted him, decided that seeing him was worth it if she got to sleep, or had just plain fallen asleep out of pure, unadulterated exhaustion, she was getting rest. Maybe she’d still be in bad shape when they met Snoke, but she’d at least be able to stand on her own. That would have to count for something.

Kylo left soundlessly, deciding not to wake her until absolutely necessary.

* * *

“Rey.”

She shrugged off the hand on her shoulder. Luke could wait a few more minutes. She’d been working tirelessly for the past several days. She was exhausted.

“Rey, wake up. Wake up, we have to go.”

He wasn’t being very gentle this morning. He was shaking her harder than she deemed necessary.

“Go where?” she mumbled, irritated.

“Snoke.”

Her eyes flew open as she jolted completely awake. She wasn’t in her hut on Ach-To. She wasn’t with Luke either. She was in a prison cell far, far away from any ally of hers. Which meant that the person whose hand was currently on her shoulder was…

She rolled out from under Kylo’s hand, her eyes wide. She looked back at him kneeling behind her and had the sudden urge to scrub her shoulder raw. He seemed unfazed, standing slowly and brandishing a pair of cuffs. Rey scrambled backwards toward the wall, hitting it far too soon for her liking. He held a hand out and she flinched.

“We have to go. Now.”

When she didn’t accept the offer of his hand, he rolled his eyes, moving to grab her upper arm. He hoisted her to her feet, stepping closer and undoing the chains binding her to the wall. She shook him off and he glared, forcefully taking her wrists in his hand and snapping on the cuffs he held.

“I know you feel like you could beat the entire Order one-handed and blindfolded, but if you want to make it out of this alive,” he muttered under his breath, clearly trying to be quiet enough that the stormtroopers at the door couldn’t hear, “I suggest you put on a happy face and pretend. I know you don’t like it, and neither do I, but you could get us both killed if you’re not careful. No one wins if that happens.”

Rey stared, biting back several retorts that she had ready. She supposed he was right. At least a little. She was in no condition to fight anyone, especially not the whole First Order. Sleeping soundly - and admittedly Kylo-free - had offered her some recovery, but not nearly enough for a feat of that size.

She offered little resistance as Kylo dragged her out of her cell, then down halls she had never been privy to before. The energy of the place now was certainly unlike it had been in the previous weeks. It was nervous now. Stiff. Contained.

“Is Snoke here? On this ship?”

Kylo didn’t answer. Rey glanced back at him and saw that his lips had formed a thin line. This was not good.

She attempted to memorize every turn they took in case she got the opportunity to escape, but she soon realized her efforts were futile. At the end of all the long halls she’d been led down was a loading dock where there was a shuttle waiting to take them to a different ship. She was ushered on, followed by Kylo and a handful of stormtroopers. That was it. No one else boarded with them. She opened her mouth to voice her confusion, but Kylo tightened his grip on her arm painfully and Rey took that to mean that questions would not be tolerated at the moment.

Looking around at the others in the small transport shuttle only increased her confusion. She still sensed a tense air of urgency. Of _fear._ She didn’t understand. Sure, they were all on their way to see their master, but he was _their_ master. He was on their side. They shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of.

The shuttle jarred unexpectedly, and had Kylo not been gripping her arm, Rey would’ve been sent to the floor.

 _“Supremacy_ is requesting a security code, sir.”

Kylo spat out a sequence of numbers and letters over her head, but she barely noticed. She was too busy gaping at the size of the giant ship outside the window. Again, she looked to Kylo, but he didn’t return the glance. He looked incredibly pale. Rey was beginning to wonder if she should be more concerned. She’d seen Snoke via hologram and had certainly been subject to his wrath, but the more she saw of his inferiors’ terror, the more she wondered how truly awful this creature was in person.  

When the shuttle was cleared to land, it docked in an even larger loading bay than the one they’d come from, and this one was certainly full of much more activity than the last. Rey stiffened on instinct, causing Kylo to halt.

“Rey, _move,”_ he growled through his teeth.

It’s not that she was freezing purely to annoy him, though she wished that was what she could claim. This wasn’t some newfound spurt of defiance. It was the feeling that if she got off the shuttle, she _would not be safe._ In any sense of the word. She couldn’t make herself move. The term ‘frozen in fear’ made complete sense to her, now.

“Rey, I said let’s go,” Kylo hissed, managing to force her forward.

She blinked, moving on her own after a few steps. The episode passed.

The halls were different here. Bigger. Longer. More doors to walk through. Rey barely saw them. It was like she slept through the whole walk. When they finally reached their destination, she couldn’t remember any of it. She was too busy inside her own head.

They’d stopped in front of a large pair of double doors, similar to the ones they’d had on the last ship. Rey watched as the few stormtroopers that had accompanied them thus far were replaced by crimson guards that seemed much more menacing and cruel. The doors in front of them opened and the guards filed in, the precision of their movements almost robotic.

“Please, Rey,” Kylo whispered before they walked in, “just cooperate. Or pretend. Make this easier for both of us.”

“No,” was the only reply she gave, just loud enough for him to hear her.

Then, she started inside. Kylo led them both forward upon Snoke’s request, stopping them in the center of the room. Snoke lounged in his throne, not bothering to straighten his posture before he spoke.

“Kylo Ren. How have you been faring recently?”

Rey watched the muscles in Kylo’s jaw move as he formulated a response. She wondered idly how truly awful you must be for a patricidal murderer to be afraid of you.

“I’m fine, Supreme Leader.”

“And the girl?”

Kylo looked down at her, his eyes searching. “I believe she would prefer to speak for herself.”

Snoke smiled humorlessly. “Very well. But first, rid her of her restraints. She is an apprentice, not a prisoner. I want to be able to see the full range of her powers.”

Kylo undid her cuffs quickly then retreated, leaving her alone in the center of the room. Rey fought against the urge to shrink away from Snoke’s gaze, instead standing taller. If she was going to die, she would do so with her head held high with pride, not cowering.

He eyed her up and down, observing her closely. “You look rather thin,” he droned. “Has my apprentice not been feeding you adequately?”

“I haven’t eaten what he’s offered. I don’t want any of the food you have to give me.”

He looked amused. “And why not?”

Rey made a face. “For all I know, it could have been taken from people who _really_ need it. I’d hate to be someone who’d taken something away from those who already have nothing.”

“Oh, but instead, you’d be someone who’s wasted what they could’ve had because of her pride.” He seemed to know how hard his turn of perspective hit her, because he smiled for real this time, “But no matter. It’s quaint, really, that you have standards even when you’re starving. One might even call them _principles._ How incredibly...sanctimonious of you.”

Rey scowled, daring to take a step towards the throne. “Having a conscience and actually sparing a thought for the well-being of others does _not_ make me sanctimonious,” she spat. “But it’s not like you’d know that.”

Behind her, she heard Kylo shift, but she paid him no attention. Her focus was on the man in front of her. He stood and rose to his full height, folding his hands behind his back. “I’ve never bothered with thinking of others. It only gets in the way of what I want. Holds me back.”

“Maybe you should wonder why that is,” Rey fired back furiously. “If your morals are holding you back from something, maybe that something isn’t worth having.”

“But of course it is!” Snoke chuckled, stepping down from where his throne sat. “Dear child, everything you want is worth having. As long as you get that, why should you care about others?”

Rey was appalled. Snoke continued walking closer, his grin taunting. “You’re terrible, you slimy, rotten, son of a-”

Pain seized her, ricocheting from limb to limb before throbbing steadily. She swallowed a scream, but managed to stay on her feet.

“Ah, ah, careful now. I’m very easily offended, you know. You’ll have to learn when to quit.”

“I’ll quit when you’re no longer a threat to anyone living in this galaxy,” she hissed through clenched teeth.

“You’ll die long before then,” Snoke whispered, mere inches from her.

Rey spat in his face.

He reared back, crying out in disgust. Rey braced herself for the backlash she was sure to receive and he backhanded her, sending her sprawling. Rey’s cheek now throbbed doubly what it had before. The pain that seemed to squeeze her from all sides also increased.

“You forget your place, girl!” Snoke roared. “You have a useless fire that you harness recklessly, and it will be your end if you don’t learn to control it! You’re lucky I don’t end your life immediately! If I didn’t think you could learn to be a valuable asset to us and the cause, I _would.”_

“I suppose you think I should _thank_ you," Rey bit out.

“Not at all. If not for your powerful reputation preceding you, you’d be nothing more than a stain on my otherwise perfectly maintained floor. My leniency has nothing to do with it.”

Despite the pain still pulsing through her body, Rey shakily attempted to bring herself to her hands and knees. She could feel Snoke’s glare on the top of her head.

“Kylo Ren, come and get this pathetic creature up off the ground. It would seem she is in need of assistance.”

Finally, the pain subsided and the ringing in her ears quieted enough for her to hear Kylo’s rapid footfalls as he came to her side. She felt his hand close around her arm, lifting her to her feet.

“Get _off_ me,” she muttered, ripping her arm from his hand.

“Rey, _stop-”_

She shot him a glare, which didn’t go unnoticed by Snoke. He smirked, pivoting to return to his throne. She heard him begin to drone about something she was almost certain wasn’t worth her time. She ignored him. Instead, she inspected the room they were in.

There was only one way out: the way they’d come in. Other than that, the room was completely sealed off. The door sat directly behind the two of them, and was probably heavily guarded, just like the rest of the room. She turned slightly to check, but was met by Kylo, obstructing her view. _Of course._ She huffed, rolling her eyes and turning back around.

“What are you doing?” Kylo muttered out of the side of his mouth.

Rey ignored him as well.

“...and if the galaxy cannot fix itself, then _I_ will fix it,” Snoke finished, finally sitting back in his throne.

Kylo stepped forward, “We can only hope to be a part of the solution, Supreme Leader.”

Rey took the opportunity to look at the door. It was guarded, but not to the degree that she’d assumed it would be. She turned back to Snoke and Kylo who were now passionately conversing about galactic politics, freezing when something at Kylo’s hip caught her eye; his lightsaber. The black hilt glinted in the harsh, artificial light. That lightsaber could be her ticket out. She’d thought before that she wouldn’t be able to take out the entirety of the Order alone, but that had been _before_ she had a lightsaber to work with. Surely, she’d be able to at least fight herself to a ship.

She walked up next to Kylo, reaching out to find the lightsaber. She tried not to react when the cold metal hit her fingertips. Slowly, she pulled it from its place, flinching when it made a loud click. All conversation stopped and every head in the room turned to her, looking from her to the weapon she held in her hand.

“Rey?”

There was no anger in Kylo’s voice, only genuine confusion. Rey wondered if it had even hit him yet that the weapon she held was _his._

Though momentarily stunned, Rey quickly regained her bearings. She ignited the saber, swinging it out toward the steadily advancing guards. She growled, making her way slowly towards the door.

“Rey, stop! Don’t do this-”

“Shut up! Nobody moves,” she breathed, “Or I’ll kill them.”

One guard on her right lunged at her, and she made a move to block them, but she was stopped before she could. Sudden, white-hot pain so intense it felt like a fire burning her from the inside seized her, causing her to collapse and drop the lightsaber. She curled in on herself, fresh tears streaming down her face.

“Stupid girl!” Snoke roared. “Did you really think you could try to fight your way out of this? That you could beat all of us and run back home to the insurgents you call friends? You may not be as valuable as I once believed!”

Rey could hardly hear him over the sound of her own screams. Nothing else existed but pain, and it felt to her like it would never end. Time passed slowly, but rapidly all at once. It felt like hours passed, then years. She thought she was going to die. This was exactly like on the island, only it was much worse. So much worse. She rolled around, attempting to find any way to alleviate the pain, but it only got hotter, sharper.

“Supreme Leader, she hasn’t slept in several standard days, hasn’t eaten in several more. She must be delirious. Please, give her another chance.”

It was the first thing she heard after the pain began to ease, Kylo saying these words breathlessly as he crouched over her. She went completely limp, allowing herself to relax. Every inch of her was covered in sweat. She shivered violently.

“Perhaps you’re right. These meetings would be much more productive if she were taken care of. Go! Feed her, make sure she sleeps. Do what you must. If she is like this the next time we meet, she dies. _I will not be lenient again._ Take her away from me.”

She hardly noticed as she was yanked to her feet, carried out of the room more than she walked. She didn’t feel anything, notice anything on their trip back. She could only feel the ghosts of the flames that had scorched her insides, the rawness of her throat caused by screams she could still hear. All her energy was focused on not throwing up.

The next place she registered was her cell. She was sitting in her usual corner, and the entire place was empty save for her and Kylo. He was crouched behind her, resecuring her chains.

“Rey, can you hear me?” he asked. “I asked if you were all right.”

She jerked away. “Get away from me,” she slurred. “Don’t touch me.”

“Stop it, Rey. Stop,” he continued as she struggled. “Stop it- _stop!_ Would you knock it off? Honestly, Rey! What the hell? Were you trying to get yourself killed back there? Do you have a death wish?”

“I will not be intimidated by you _or_ your master.”

“Where’d you learn that line, your cocky pilot friend?”

Rey shuffled away, almost falling on her side in the process. Kylo stood up, but didn’t move from his spot. He stood anchored to the ground, watching her closely. At one point, he opened his mouth to say something, but apparently thought better of it. Instead, he walked towards her cell door.

“You have to eat. Sleep. It’s an order from Snoke.”

“I don’t give a damn what your master orders. I’d rather die.”

“If you aren’t careful, you’ll get your wish,” Kylo growled, facing her again.

“Good!” Rey shouted.

Kylo made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat akin to a bark. He brought his hands up to tangle them in his hair, pushing it back from his face. He paced the small length of her cell, clearly attempting to calm himself. “We need to get out of here, Rey. This isn’t going to work.”

Rey narrowed her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere with _you.”_

“Damnit, Rey, would you look around?” Kylo shouted, whirling on her. He was gesticulating feverishly, his eyes wild. He looked crazy. “ Don’t you see where we are? What just happened? I did! And I know I can’t watch that again! I can’t hear it again! I just- I can’t do that again. Not...not again, Rey. I can’t.”

Finally seeming to have calmed down, he stopped pacing and brought a hand up to his mouth, running it down his chin. He sighed. “If you don’t agree to come with me, Rey, I really will leave without you. I can’t stay here anymore. If you’re going to continue to let him do that to you, I can’t watch.”

“Oh, please, I’m sure you could.”

Rey found, to her surprise, that she was crying. She didn’t know when it had started. Honestly, she didn’t know the exact reason why. But she was too exhausted to try and stop herself. She was suffering, and she didn’t care who saw anymore. She’d be dead soon, anyway.

“Why can’t you trust me? Why can’t you give me a chance?”

“Why do _you_ just expect me to _believe_ you?”

He was silent for a moment, appearing to mull something over. After a beat, he reached for a pack at his side. “You know, I’m almost glad you’re not more observant. If you’d pulled this out back there, Snoke would’ve destroyed it for sure.”

Kylo pulled something from the pack, holding it out for her to take. Rey’s eyes widened. “Are you really giving that to me? I could _kill_ you. That’s a dumb move.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m giving this to you because I trust you with it. Because I trust that _you_ won’t make a dumb move. All I’m asking is that you trust me in return.”

He stared at her, his eyes pleading. “Please, Rey. Help me. Let’s get out of here.”

Rey looked between him and the lightsaber, opening and closing her mouth several times. “I thought you said that once we got here, we wouldn’t be able to-”

“Don’t worry about that,” he cut her off. “We’ll find a way.”

Though still wary, Rey was starting to think that maybe he was right. She couldn’t keep letting Snoke win. And he’d kept his promise to her the night before. She’d gotten to sleep without seeing or hearing a single thing from him. Maybe...maybe he was telling the truth.

Besides, it’s not like she had much to lose at this point.

“Rey?”

She sighed, reaching up and taking the saber from his hand. He seemed to sag in relief.

“Fine, then. Let’s get out.”

She turned the lightsaber over in her hands, smiling. Even though it was only an object, it was familiar, and she welcomed it like one would welcome a hug from an old friend. She looked up at her new temporary ally.

“All right, what’s our plan, Kylo?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sings* Rey's decided to stop being stubborn! Finally!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed, and thank you again for wanting this story to continue. Really, I cannot thank you enough. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated! See you next time! Thank you for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was late and so was he.
> 
> He’d promised he’d be in as soon as the alarm sounded for the change in guards. She’d heard it at least half a standard hour ago, and there was still no sign of him. The guards were still standing motionless at her cell entrance, and Kylo was nowhere in sight. She wished she could say she was surprised. He was probably telling Snoke that she’d been willing to betray the Order right now. She’d be dead in a matter of hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter of the month! And both are considerably longer than usual. If you couldn't tell, I am extremely excited to continue this story. 
> 
> Hope you find this chapter entertaining! Enjoy!

“Leia! _Leia!”_

Luke sprinted through the halls of the base, shouting his sister’s name.

He had to tell her first before he told anyone else. She had to be the first one to know. After all, she needed to be the one who decided how to proceed. The only problem was, he couldn’t find her anywhere. He’d been assured by several people upon his arrival that she was, indeed, here. But nobody could tell him exactly where around ‘here’ she was.

He’d gone through every corridor he’d found, even going so far as checking the maintenance closets he came across. He knocked on any locked doors he was met with, loudly asking if she was there. He’d probably terrified a dozen pilots and at least a dozen more strategists and other personnel. They’d understand later. It wasn’t important now.

He rounded the corner of the last hallway he had to check, and if she hadn’t seen him and stopped, he would’ve rammed straight into her. Luke spluttered for a moment, both of them scrambling to get their bearings. She grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to a halt.

“Luke?” she looked confused. “What are you doing here? I thought you left days ago.”

“Leia…Leia, I have to tell you something,” he panted.

“Well, that’s fine. Let’s have it, then. But we should do it somewhere private. You’ve terrified just about everyone on this base. I’ve had at least eight people comm me asking if we were under attack-”

“Leia, Rey’s gone.”

She looked like the words had been sucked from her mouth and the blood drained from her face.

_“What?”_

“She’s gone. When I got back to the island, it had been blown to pieces. Things were burning, everything was gone. I couldn’t find her anywhere. Not even a body, Leia. There was nothing.”

Leia swallowed. “Do you think-”

“I do.”

She shook her head, though Luke knew what they both thought was the truth. “Maybe...maybe it was something else. Someone else. We can’t know for sure.”

Luke reached into a pouch at his side, pulling out a blaster he’d found on the ground. “It was Rey’s. It was always hidden in her hut just in case she ever needed to use it. I found it on the ground half the island away. There’s a possibility that it was sent there by the force of a blast, but I figured there would be more damage to the blaster if that were the case.”

Leia reached out to take it from him, turning it over in her hands.

“It was Han’s,” Luke continued. “He gave it to her. It’s a nice blaster in good condition. Anyone else fighting with her would’ve taken it if given the chance. A bounty hunter or other lowlife wouldn’t hesitate. They wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to get one for free. But it was left on the ground. If Ben knew it had been Han’s…”

“He would’ve left it behind,” Leia finished.

“So, I naturally came to the conclusion you’ve come to now,” Luke replied quietly.

Leia looked like she wanted to break down in the middle of the hallway. Instead, she pivoted on her heel, leading him toward her quarters. “We have to work quickly if we want to get her back. Thank the Maker Maz hasn’t left yet; she’ll be able to help.”

“Do you have any idea where she might be?”

Leia sighed, “I might have a few ideas, but none of them are very safe bets. The last time we located them was months ago. It’s unlikely they’re still occupying the same area of space.”

“So what do we do?”

“We find them.” She turned to Luke, pressing the blaster back into his hands. “You go back to my quarters. I’ll find Maz and send someone else to find the boys. We’re having another meeting.”

* * *

“She’s gone?”

Finn’s eyes were wide in horror, and his words were nearly inaudible. It was all Leia could do not to go over and hug him tight. She wanted to be able to reassure him, to reassure them _all,_ that Rey was going to be all right. That everything would turn out okay. But that wasn’t necessarily the case. She knew that. So did he. They all knew the stakes. That didn’t make the gnawing feeling she felt any more bearable.

“Well, what do we do?”

Poe was the only one of all of them who wasn’t seated. He was pacing the perimeter of the small room, his hands on his hips. Leia could see the heel of his hand resting on the blaster pistol in his hip holster, his fingers brushing it every once in awhile. She knew he was itching to do something. To take some action.

_Against her son._

“I’m not sure _what_ we should do,” Luke mumbled. “That’s why I’m here. I was hoping you’d know.”

His eyes had not risen from his lap since they’d sat down, explaining the situation so quietly that if they’d been in a louder room they wouldn’t have heard a word.

Leia looked toward Maz. She’d expected her to be a lot more vocal than she was being at present. Instead, her orange face was twisted in concentration, and she seemed just as fascinated by her hands as Luke was by his. Finally, as if she’d felt Leia’s eyes on her, she looked up.

“The boy. He’s the one who took her?”

Finn’s head shot upward, his eyes boring holes into Maz, then Luke. Luke nodded, his eyes still never leaving his folded hands. Leia thought Finn was going to riot.

“This is _your_ fault,” he hissed, shoving his finger accusingly in Luke’s direction. “You _knew_ something like this was going to happen! You had to! You know what he’s capable of, and you know as well as the rest of us that he was after Rey!”

He stood from his seat, moving quickly towards Luke, and Poe jumped forward to grab his shoulder. “Finn, calm down. This isn’t going to help anything, bud-”

“How could you leave her alone?” Finn roared over Poe’s attempts to calm him. “How could you go off and leave her stranded when you knew she could be in danger? I don’t care _who_ you are, you aren’t above caring about those who come to you seeking help! _Even if you don’t want to give any!”_

The situation had already escalated far beyond what Leia had anticipated. Maybe it hadn’t been the best idea to tell Finn right away. She opened her mouth to say something to stop the argument, but Luke beat her to the punch, his eyes finally having left his lap.

“How dare you? I’ve cared for her ever since she showed up on that island! I’ve fed her, watched over her, trained her...I’ve done much more than I am obligated to do, which is _nothing!_ I did all of it because I pitied her, even though I didn’t want to waste my time training another apprentice who I _knew_ would fall!”

It was suffocatingly quiet. Finn’s eyes had widened to the size of dinner plates, and Poe swallowed thickly, his hand frozen just over Finn’s shoulder. Leia could do nothing but stare, dozens of negative emotions flying through her at her brother’s words, at what he’d insinuated. Luke blanched, like he realized the words that had just come out of his mouth. He turned to her, then Maz, then Finn and Poe, his mouth moving wordlessly.

“Leia, Maz, I - I didn’t mean-”

“You think she’s fallen?” Finn whispered, his voice dangerously low. “Is that what you think? That she _chose_ to go with him?”

Luke shook his head. “No, I-”

“Isn’t it? After all, that’s what you said.” When Luke did not answer, Finn plowed on. “Rey is _nothing_ like your nephew. _Nothing._ Don’t bring her down to his level. That’s what _you’re_ creeping towards.”

Furious, Luke bolted to his feet, moving so that his face was inches away from Finn’s. “I see in her what I saw in him,” he muttered, fire and pain burning behind his eyes. “I don’t have to bring her down to his level. I’m _approaching_ it? Maybe. But she’s already _there.”_

Finn lunged at Luke, a yell of fury tearing from his throat. Poe caught him around the midsection, yanking him towards the opposite side of the room and pinning him against the wall, holding his arms firmly behind his back so he couldn’t move. “Finn, _stop!_ Get a grip!”

Finn continued to struggle, and Leia looked to Maz for support, the one person who seemed thoroughly unenthused by everything that had just unraveled before her. She heaved in a deep breath before shouting over Finn’s racket. “Rey is exactly where she needs to be!”

Everything in the room came to a screeching halt. Leia was fairly certain no one breathed.

“What was that?” Poe asked.

“I said, Rey is exactly where she needs to be."

Now, Leia thought Finn was really going to explode. “How could you say something like that?” He shoved Poe off of him, advancing towards Maz. “How could you say that like she’s perfectly all right when we all know for almost certain that she’s with _him?_ With that _monster?”_

Maz slid from her chair, seeming taller than Finn in her frustration and anger. “Don’t you take that tone of voice with me. I’m not the one who took the girl. Ben is.”

“That is _not_ his name.”

Maz’s eyes narrowed behind her goggles, her whole body going rigid. “It is the name he was born with, and the name I watched him grow with, and it is the name I will address him by now. I understand; he took Rey. I understand that you’re worried about her, as is everyone else here. And you have every right to be angry with him. But not with me. I have done nothing. Sit down.”

They held their staring match a while longer before Finn broke the gaze and reluctantly moved to the seat Maz had directed him to. Maz watched him sit before climbing on top of her stool once more, standing so she could see them all clearly.

“I know you are all scared for her. As am I. She has become important to all of us, both personally and in terms of this cause and our hope for its future. But now, someone who is lost and searching for their way out is getting the chance to _find_ their way. He’s getting an opportunity to follow her and her light. She could help him. She could have an effect on him that none of us could ever hope to have.” She turned slowly to Leia. “She could bring him home.”

Leia didn't understand why she let Maz fill her with false hope like this, didn't understand why she could easily believe every word that came out of her mouth, but she did. She wanted to tune Maz out. To be able to disregard her words, but she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t. Her longing for Ben’s safe return overpowered her reason.

“I do not agree with most of the things that boy has done under the direction of the Dark Side,” Maz continued. “He has been cruel to many people. But I watched him grow as you did. I want him to be happy, as do you. I believe there’s _still_ hope for him. Leia...this is his _chance.”_

For a moment, Leia believed her wholeheartedly. She let herself cling to the hope that Maz’s words brought her. She even wanted to smile. She could bring Ben _home._ After all these years, her son could be happy and loved.

“His chance to redeem himself? Or his chance to kill Rey? Because there’s one way I see this going, and it isn’t to the happy endings and joyful smiles you seem to see.”

Finn’s quiet words were Leia’s wakeup call.

“Finn, now’s not-”

“He’s right, Poe,” she jumped in. “After all the choices he’s made, we have no reason to believe that my son will show any restraint.”

Beside her, Maz seemed ready to explode. “Why is his redemption so hard for all of you to imagine? Is it so hard to believe that someone can change?”

“I’ve seen him do horrible things my entire adult life!” Finn spat. “I’ve seen him level entire towns, blow apart whole fleets...I’ve seen him murder his own flesh and blood.”

The room went silent for the third time that morning. Across the room, Luke flinched as if Finn’s words had slapped him.

“I don’t see how he can’t be too far gone. I’m sorry. I just don’t want Rey getting hurt because we have faith in a man that we’ve no reason to trust. I wouldn’t gamble a droid’s life in that man’s hands, much less hers.”

Maz jumped down from her perch on the table, slowly moving towards Finn. “Why can’t you believe he’s changing?” she asked, her eyes narrowing, searching his face. “Why can’t you imagine that maybe he’s starting to see what’s wrong with what he’s doing? _You_ did.”

“Because,” Finn’s voice was small, “I’ve seen what he can do. What he _does_ do. I’ve had so many people taken by him already. Friends, mentors, even my own _family_ was taken from me when I was small because of the regime he’s supporting. He’s been doing these things without obvious remorse for _years.”_ His voice cracked, and Leia swore she could see tears forming in his eyes. “Why should I be lucky enough that he’d decide to change now? Why should I be lucky enough that this case is the exception to the rule? Why should I be lucky enough that out of all people...Rey is the one that gets to be saved? I’ve _never_ been that lucky before.”

Maz’s eyes softened. It seemed to Leia that she’d known this was the reason for Finn’s anger since the beginning, but she’d wanted to hear it from him. Wanted him to hear it from himself.

“It’s okay to be worried for her, Finn,” she whispered. “It’s all right to be afraid for those we care about. But I promise you, Rey is where the Force needs her to be. She will be all right when all is said and done. I’m almost sure of it.”

“I just don’t want him to take anyone else. Please, not her. Not Rey, too.”

Maz touched his arm gently. “Rey can take care of herself if worst comes to worst. She’s strong. I believe in her. You should, too.”

Luke spoke up for the first time in a while. “I still don’t feel right doing nothing.”

“He’s right,” Poe said, standing up to move behind Finn. “Strong or not, she’s there alone. We can’t just leave her stranded. We have to go get her and bring her back - maybe him, too. We can make it both an attack and a rescue mission. Whatever we have to do. But she’s too valuable to us for us to sit by and watch.”

Leia nodded, slowly standing from her chair. “I agree.” She moved to the center of their circle so all eyes were on her. “So, let’s start making a plan.”

* * *

It was late and so was he.

He’d promised he’d be in as soon as the alarm sounded for the change in guards. She’d heard it at least half a standard hour ago, and there was still no sign of him. The guards were still standing motionless at her cell entrance, and Kylo was nowhere in sight. She wished she could say she was surprised. He was probably telling Snoke that she’d been willing to betray the Order right now. She’d be dead in a matter of hours.

She sighed, rolling over to try and get some sleep. If she was going to die soon, she’d at least spend her final moments dreaming she was somewhere else. But almost immediately after she’d settled in, she heard the door to her cell block open.

“The Supreme Leader has been informed of the girl’s improving condition and has requested an audience with her. Immediately. He says you are relieved from your posts until he is finished.”

Rey slowly turned, watching out of the corner of her eye. Kylo was standing right inside the door, facing her cell guards, his face set and passive. One guard stiffened, his grip on his weapon tightening.

“At this hour of the night? What could he want with her now?”

“Do you really think that any of us are in a position to question what he wants? I’m not one to challenge the Supreme Leader.”

It was silent for a beat, and Rey worried they’d see right through his lie and report them both. Either that or they’d become so offended by what he’d said that they’d kill him out of spite. But neither of those things happened. The guard relaxed, bringing his weapon back down to his side.

“You make a valid point,” he muttered. “Take her.”

Kylo stepped aside to let the two of them file out, watching until they turned the corner at the end of the hall. Then, Kylo shut the door, waiting until the _click_ of the lock sounded before he even moved. He stepped quickly over to her cell, punching in the code and opening the barrier between them. Panic shone in his eyes now that the guards were gone.

“You’re late,” she slurred drowsily.

“Can you stand?”

He moved behind her, working quickly to undo the chains binding her to the wall.

“And you’re not a bad liar.”

“Rey, can you stand?” he repeated, pausing so he could look her in the eye.

She sighed. “I don’t know. I think so.”

Kylo pulled off her cuffs and stood, holding out a hand for her to take. “Thinking so isn’t good enough.”

Rey nodded, reaching up to take his hand. He pulled her to her feet and she swayed on the spot. Her head spun and she tried to shake the feeling off, but it persisted.

“I don’t think-” she managed, then the world shifted and she found herself back on the floor.

“Rey!” Kylo crouched in front of her, helping her into a sitting position.

Rey shook him off, blinking hard to clear her head. “I’m fine. I just haven’t eaten in so long. I haven’t slept-”

“Rey, we have to go. We can’t do anything about that now-”

“I know!” she snapped. She took a deep breath to compose herself, “Just...give me a minute.”

He huffed, standing up. Though his face swam in her vision, she could tell he was frustrated. “I can’t carry you out, that would be too noticeable,” he mumbled, more to himself than to her, “but you clearly can’t walk completely on your own.”

He continued rambling quietly above her, but Rey rolled her eyes, moving to stand once more. “I don’t need you to carry me. I’ll be perfectly all right on my own, thank you. You just need to be patient.”

She heaved herself off the ground, inching up the wall to make it to her feet. Slowly, with the help of the wall, she managed to straighten her legs. Just as she let go, she slipped and would’ve hit her head, hard, if not for Kylo. He caught her before she rammed headfirst into the cell wall, steadying her. He was very obviously trying to reign in his anger and annoyance, but he was doing a poor job. Rey could feel it rolling off of him in waves.

“If you’d told me you were feeling this awful beforehand,” he fumed, “I could’ve done something to get you better sleeping arrangements, better food. Instead, we have to figure our way out of this while also factoring in your...current state. Your pride is _not_ making this any easier.”

 _“You’re_ the reason I’m even here,” Rey fired back. “If you want out, you’re going to have to zip it and walk as slowly as those legs of yours can carry you. I’ll admit, I could’ve done better to prepare for this, but I really didn’t even believe you’d actually come through. In the past several weeks, you’ve lied, and I’ve let pride get in the way of my wellbeing. So, you’ll take me out of here, sleep-deprived and starving, and we’ll call it even.”

He sighed, grabbing her arm and pulling it around his waist. Rey tried to flinch away, but he placed an arm around her shoulders, tugging her into his side.

“What are you _doing?”_ she asked, still trying to pull away.

He squeezed her shoulders painfully and she stopped struggling to look at him. “I know you don’t like it, and neither do I, but it’s the best way to keep you steady and upright while still seeming relatively normal. Even as weird as this is, it looks better than me hauling you to a ship.”

Rey huffed, but she knew he was right. She nodded and let him lead her out of the cell, walking as slowly as they could without seeming suspicious. Rey could feel her heart speed up every time a stormtrooper rounded the corner, but none of them seemed to be too curious. She wondered if Kylo had anything to do with that. They were trying not to draw too much attention, but Rey could feel herself making that difficult by stumbling around like a drunken pilot. Eventually, they developed a rhythm and she found it easier to keep one foot in front of the other.

“Keep going, Rey,” Kylo whispered awkwardly. “We’re - we’re almost there. Just...keep going.”

A twisted part of her wanted to laugh at her circumstances. At the fact that she was being half-led, half-carried out of an enemy base _by the very enemy who’d captured her_ while he mumbled awkward encouragement in her ear. She wanted to laugh until her stomach hurt and tears streamed down her face because looking at this from an outsider’s point of view was nothing short of comical. But the exhaustion weighing down her limbs was enough to keep her sober.

“How much farther?” she said softly.

“Don’t talk. You need to focus on getting there. We’ll make it.”

Rey wasn’t so sure she believed him. She could feel his ragged breathing on the top of her head, his stiff movements uncomfortably moving them towards their ship. He was shaking near-violently. If Rey had been more alert, she probably would’ve been terrified, too. But she didn’t feel anything.

After what seemed like forever, Kylo perked up.

“Rey, I see it. We’re almost there, just a little-”

He didn’t get to finish. Suddenly, the hall was bathed in red light. Alarms blared. A robotic voice sounded over the intercoms lining the halls. Kylo swore loudly, backing them up so they were flush against a wall, hidden from view from most surrounding areas.

“What’s happening?” Rey asked in a small voice, though she was sure she already knew the answer.

“They know I lied. They know you’re with me. We’re really going to have to move if we want to make it out of here alive.”

Rey’s head spun wildly and nausea swept over her. “Kylo, I _can’t.”_

She glanced up at him, her stomach churning even more violently than before at the look on his face. She was glad that her exhaustion numbed any fear she should’ve been experiencing.

“Can you at least try?” he asked, his voice soft and devoid of any hope.

Rey didn’t have the chance to answer. Hordes of stormtroopers flooded the hall, surrounding them on all sides. It was too late. They’d been caught. Distantly, she felt Kylo’s hand close around her forearm, squeezing it tightly.

“Don’t say a word. Let me talk. Please, no matter what I say, I need you to trust me. Can you do that?”

Though the loud noises and flashing lights made her even more disoriented and confused, she forced herself to hear his words. She nodded, opening her mouth to answer. He unceremoniously yanked her behind him, cutting her off. Though for a moment, she was offended and angry, she decided she was too tired to fight anymore. Odds were that no matter what happened, she would be dead when this was all over. But if Kylo was telling the truth and he was really on her side? Maybe, just maybe, she’d make it out of here alive.

What choice did she have but to go along with him, really?

Kylo stepped forward as more stormtroopers filed in, his face morphing into an impassive mask almost instantly. His ability to do so made Rey concerned. If he could that easily mask what he was truly feeling, how often did he do it around her? Sure, she could sense what he really felt, to some degree. More so than most other beings because of their supposed ‘connection’. But she couldn’t help but wonder...was all of this part of a plan, too? A plan to destroy her in the cruelest way possible? Betrayal was something Rey knew well, but in this situation, she’d hoped it wouldn’t be the case.

“Ren! Are you out of your mind?”

One of the guards, the one from Rey’s cell, had made his way to the front of the group, his weapon at the ready. Kylo didn’t miss a beat. “I need you to take us directly to Supreme Leader Snoke. There’s something to discuss.”

“I’m betting you’re right. However, I don’t think it’s what you have in mind.”

The fact that Kylo did not flinch even slightly only made Rey more uneasy. But she had to trust him. She’d promised. And if he couldn’t keep his word, she’d at least keep hers.

“Either way, Supreme Leader Snoke’s throne room is our destination. Please, lead us there.”

Two guards came and stood on either side of Kylo, though neither touched him directly. Rey, on the other hand, they handled roughly, flinging her from her place on the wall harder than was necessary. Her balance already iffy at best, she tumbled to the ground, landing in a heap.

“You be careful with her!” Kylo barked, his shout so intense that it startled even Rey.

Every person in the space halted immediately, their head swiveling to face him. His face remained twisted in a snarl, his eyes glued to her, but Rey could see through his hair that the tips of his ears were pink.

“If the Supreme Leader knew that you were treating the next of his greatest pupils this way, he would destroy us _all.”_

Rey closed her eyes, waiting to hear the shots that would kill them both for Kylo’s recklessness and nerve. But nothing happened. Instead, she was taken gently by the arms and lifted to her feet before being ushered into formation behind Kylo. They led the way, the stormtroopers that had been in the hall with them following in straight lines.

The journey to Snoke was not nearly long enough.

 _“What in the name of every galaxy in the sky were you thinking?”_ he roared when they entered, rising to his full height. “You’ve received one simple order in the past several weeks, Kylo Ren, one that you just cannot seem to carry out! I simply asked you to get the girl to join us or kill her. Those were my directions. And simple as they were, you seemed to confuse them with _smuggling her off of our ships!_ You would be effectively committing treason if you’d let her get away! Do you understand? You are a _traitor!”_

Rey did her best not to sway on the spot. She wanted so badly to look over at Kylo, whom she’d been separated from upon entry, but she didn’t dare move a muscle. If he had a plan, he’d have to carry it out on his own.

“Supreme Leader, please, let me explain,” she heard him say somewhere behind her. “I understand your confusion, but I promise-”

“Confusion?” Snoke did not shout, did not even raise his voice, but in his anger, it seemed as if he had exploded. “I am far from _confused_ Kylo Ren, but if I seem so, enlighten me.”

It was silent save for the thuds of Kylo’s boots as he moved forward. He turned back to look at Rey, and in that instant, she saw his face flash from placid to terrified and back again in the blink of an eye. He _was_ frightened. There was no doubt about that. The look in his eyes was one that couldn’t be faked. It was something she’d learned in the past several weeks. If you want to see how Kylo Ren truly feels, look no further than his eyes. They almost always shine with emotion.

“Do not look at _her!_ Look to me; _I_ am who you answer to!”

Kylo’s head whipped back around to face Snoke, and when he spoke, his voice conveyed none of the emotion Rey had seen. “This was all simply a test, Supreme Leader. An experiment of sorts that I conducted to see if the girl was truly allegiant to me. To _you._ To the cause. It seems to have been successful. This is no time for panic, this is time for celebration! We finally have an advantage over the Resistance.”

Rey felt her cheeks flush and her eyes widen. She quickly ducked her head so no one would see, but she was furious. Was that really what this had been? Another trick? A trap? A lie?

‘Trust, Rey. He asked for your trust. Trust him until the end. No matter what. He has a plan, just follow along.’

“A test? You asked her to display her loyalty by sneaking off of the ship? What test of allegiance has your main subject committing treason?”

Kylo was silent for a moment and Rey’s heart stopped. “She’s hungry for power only you can offer her. It was a test, Supreme Leader,” he said quietly. “Only a test. I had no intention of leaving.”

Even Rey was not convinced. Snoke said nothing for several long moments. Rey’s throat was tight, her mouth dry. She was incredibly tense, her entire body preparing to either fight or run to the best of its ability.

“If that is true…” Snoke finally whispered, standing from his throne, “then she should have no problem doing as I ask.”

To her horror, Snoke turned to her, advancing quickly in her direction. When he reached her, Rey did what she’d seen Kylo do a hundred times before, though it made her sick to her stomach. She knelt, bowing her head.

“Is what my apprentice tells me true?”

Rey was not sure whether she should keep her head down or look up. She opened her mouth to answer, but Snoke continued before she could.

“Careful, now, I would tell the truth if I were you. I’m much more lenient with truthful acolytes.”

“It’s all true, Supreme Leader,” she forced out in a voice as strong as she could muster. “Kylo Ren was telling you the truth.”

Snoke didn’t respond. Rey heard the rustling of fabric as he knelt down in front of her, and she forced back a gag when he reached out to grab her chin, forcing her head up to meet him. He studied her carefully, his blue eyes boring holes into hers. Rey wasn’t sure if she should look away or hold his gaze. Without even thinking, her eyes flicked to where Kylo stood across the room, his eyes wide. Snoke followed her line of vision. Slowly, he turned to look back at her. “Kill him.”

Rey went numb. “What?”

“You heard me, desert rat; _kill him.”_ He let go of her face, reaching his fingers out. Rey flinched when the lightsaber at her belt flew into his hand. “Interesting...I _was_ going to have you do it with his own lightsaber, but now,” he chuckled, “I think it would be more fitting to use this one.”

He held it out to her, giving a look to the guards at her side who stepped away. She stood, not knowing what else to do, and she took the saber from him with a shaky hand. Snoke moved out of the way, creating a clear path between her and Kylo. Kylo was white as a sheet, his entire body visibly shaking.

“Supreme Leader, I - I don’t understand-”

“Shut up! You have disappointed me time and again, but no more. I have a new apprentice now. And her first order is to kill you. Maybe if you could not do it, she can.”

Kylo ducked his head, his lower lip quivering. Rey swallowed hard. Was she really considering this?

 _“Do it._ Or I’ll kill you both.”

No. She wasn’t. She owed nothing to Kylo, at least, not yet, but she was _not_ going to stoop so low as to obey Snoke and his commands.

_But it would be so easy to off him now and get away. Isn’t it what you’ve wanted? To be given the chance to kill the man who killed Han Solo? Who’s destroyed and burned things that the Resistance, and by extension you, held dear?_

Rey blinked hard. Where had that come from?

“I _said,”_ Snoke growled, shoving her in front of Kylo, “do it _now.”_

Rey stood over him, looking between the lightsaber and Kylo. His head was still bowed; he wouldn’t meet her eyes. But she wouldn’t do it. Kylo was her way out. And besides, if she were really going to trust him, she also had to trust that he wanted to change. At least enough to want to leave. She didn’t have to like him, but she had to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’d helped her this far, and at great cost to him.

“Just do it,” he whispered, breaking her out of her trance. His voice was so quiet she hardly heard him. “It’s too late, just do what he says.”

She shook her head. “No.”

She pocketed the lightsaber again, turning to Snoke. He was furious. Rey took a few steps back, willing Kylo to stand. To fight. To do _something_ other than roll over and die. She couldn’t take Snoke on her own. It was enough of an effort standing upright.

 _“How dare you?”_ Snoke thundered. _“I will deal with this no longer!_ Guards, _kill them!”_

Rey’s hand went to the lightsaber in her pocket, but before either side could draw their weapons, a blast rocked the ship so violently the Rey fell to the ground next to Kylo. No one moved, and there wasn’t a sound to be heard. Immediately, Rey looked to Snoke, but saw that he was just as confused as she was. Her next guess was Kylo, but he was sprawled on the floor next to her. She assumed if he’d caused the tremor, he would have steeled himself against it. Suddenly, the silence erupted into chaos as the entire ship was peppered with fire from other, smaller ships, rocking the room they occupied. Rey and Kylo shared a look of horror.

The First Order was under attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cackles* I hope for you all's sake I finish the next chapter sooner rather than later. 
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you so much to all of you readers for your continued support! Your comments really do so much more than you could probably imagine. Seeing one in my inbox always brightens up my day! And 150 kudos? I'm floored! I know it may not seem like much to some people, but to me, it is so much more than I ever dreamed one of my stories would see. So, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> See you next time!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first coherent thought to echo in Rey’s brain was, ‘We’re all going to die.’
> 
> She didn’t figure it to be an unreasonable assumption as their situation was highly unanticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is up! It was taking a little while because, originally, it was going to be longer, but I decided the next little bit would be better with the next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!

The first coherent thought to echo in Rey’s brain was, ‘We’re all going to die.’ 

She didn’t figure it to be an unreasonable assumption as their situation was highly unanticipated. Chaos had unleashed itself in the throne room, Snoke’s guards and Snoke himself rushing about to find out what was going on. Dozens of small fighters wove through the First Order fleet, and she watched as explosions dotted the hulls of the ships she could see through the viewport. She thought,  _ hoped, _ momentarily that it was the Resistance. But it didn’t appear to be. They weren’t the normal X-wing fighters she associated with the Resistance fleet. She couldn’t clearly see  _ what  _ they were, exactly. But if it wasn’t the Resistance, who was it?

Before she had much of a chance to ponder it, she felt a hand close around her upper arm, yanking her to her feet. For one awful, mortifying moment, she thought it was Snoke. She tensed, ready to fight him off. But then hot, ragged breaths ghosted the skin of her neck and she heard one whispered word:  _ “Run.” _

She bolted. Newfound adrenaline powered her every move, and where before she hadn’t even been able to stand on her own, she moved faster than she could remember ever moving now. She sprinted through the halls, slipping by the hordes of stormtroopers and fighter pilots mostly undetected, all the while checking behind her to make sure Kylo was still following close behind. A few times, she came to a fork that she couldn’t remember coming across. She looked back at Kylo who gestured which way, and she followed whatever path he indicated. 

The whole ship shook as they ran, sometimes causing Rey to come close to losing her footing, but that was not the problem she was concerned with. No, the problem she foresaw was the sizes of the ships they would have to deal with as soon as they left this one. The smaller vessels she’d seen from the throne room couldn’t be the only ones firing. Their blaster cannons weren’t large or powerful enough to do as much damage as was being done, even if they were all firing on the same spot. That meant larger, unseen ships were firing from somewhere, too. The Resistance wasn’t capable of the type of firepower they were currently dealing with, which meant the attackers probably weren’t on Rey’s side.

Eventually, the landing bay came into their path, and Rey was so focused on running that she almost passed it. Kylo pulled her inside at the last second, directing her towards the nearest ship. She heard him say something, though what he said, she didn’t catch. 

“What?” she yelled over the din.

“I said  _ get in!” _

“This doesn’t look like the ship you said we were taking!”

“It won’t matter now!” he shouted. “They’re going to be too busy shooting at those fighters out there to worry about us and where we are, at least until we’re too far away for it to matter! Besides, this one’s going to work better than the junker I was planning on using!”

Kylo ushered her inside, and Rey clambered into the cockpit, plopping herself in the pilot’s chair. When Kylo finally stumbled up behind her, he flashed her a strange look, but she did her best to ignore it. “You’ll have to take the gunner’s position. If we can’t defend ourselves, we won’t even make it out of this ship’s energy shield without getting blown apart.”

He was silent for a beat, and Rey turned to look at him, an eyebrow cocked. “What?”

“It’s just...aren’t you, y’know...out of it?”

“I’ll be just fine, thank you.”

She swiftly turned around, familiarizing herself with the controls of the ship and flipping a few, bringing it to life. 

“Look, I just want to make sure we don’t plummet to our deaths because you’ve passed out up here and hit a few things that make us lose control. Now is not the best time to mess up.”

She turned and locked gazes with him, and they held their stares for awhile, neither of them willing to back down. “I said I’ll be _ fine.”  _

She didn’t trust him not to get them killed, and even though she wasn’t in the greatest shape, at least she knew that she would try as hard as she could to get away. She didn’t like their odds any more than he did, but she’d rather hold her fate in her own hands than give it to him. 

A blast nearby rocked the ship and Kylo almost toppled to the floor, breaking the staring match they’d been having. He swore under his breath before stumbling to the gunner’s position. Rey turned back to the console, silently reassuring herself. If she let him and his doubts control what she thought she could and couldn’t do, she’d never get out of this place. She  _ could _ do this. She would finally be getting out, going back home. After weeks of imprisonment, she’d be free.

The thought thrilled her. 

The ship slowly lifted off, the landing skids folding into its underbelly, and after hovering for a moment, they soared out of the landing bay. Immediately they were caught up in the fight. TIE fighter squadrons screeched past, trading bolts of plasma with the unknown attackers. Rey twisted the ship violently to the right to avoid being hit head-on by one of the blasts. 

“Which way?” she called over her shoulder.

“What?”

_ “Which way?”  _ she shouted again, swerving again to narrowly miss a piece of flying debris. 

“Well, we’re guaranteed death pretty much any way you choose-” he cut off as the ship was jostled by a stray blast from behind and she heard muffled swears. “But I’d say our best bet is down and away!”

_ “Down?”  _ Rey asked, even as she sent their ship into a nose dive away from the fleet. “That doesn’t give us great visual range of the fight we’re trying to avoid!”

“No, but it gives us more room to run!”

After a moment of thought, she supposed he was right. 

“The farther we go, the harder it is for them to target us and open fire!” he continued. “And if we manage to get far enough away, their cannons won’t affect us at all; we’ll be able to jump to hyperspace without so much as a scratch!”

She opened her mouth to answer him when she felt a small tremor in the walls of the ship. The sound of a weapon discharging blared in her ears, and for a moment time seemed to slow. He was shooting at the ships that were on their tail. Not Order ships. As far as the First Order knew, they were on the same side. After all, this  _ was _ an Order cruiser. What if the people in the unknown ships  _ were  _ the Resistance? What if they’d come to get her? To rescue her and bring her home? What if one of them was Finn-?

“Rey, they’re gaining; we’ve got to move!  _ Floor it!” _

The urgency in Kylo’s voice was a wake-up call. Rey forced herself to shut down all thoughts except for those that would help her. She had to gear into survival mode, or they weren’t going to make it out of this alive. If those  _ were  _ her friends up there, she’d be seeing them soon. She just had to make sure she could limit their casualties. 

“Kylo!” she roared behind her. “Don’t shoot unless they’re Order ships!”

_“What?”_ Kylo was incredulous. “Are you _crazy?_ Most of the ships shooting at us _aren’t_ Order ships!”

“Those could be Resistance ships! Or other rebel fighters! They could be on our side!” she insisted.

_ “Your  _ side,” he corrected her. “And they don’t know we’re on their side! They see an Order ship, an enemy! Either we shoot them down, or they shoot  _ us  _ down! That’s just how it is!”

“Kylo, just listen-”

“They aren’t Resistance, Rey! They aren’t uniform ships! Honestly, they look like a motley crew of smugglers or bounty hunters, probably fighting over the same target! I’ve seen those ships before! I don’t remember exactly where, but never during battle with you; those aren’t your friends!”

As he spoke, two of the foreign ships peeled off their formation to tail them. Rey swerved sharply in an attempt to shake them off, but they reappeared seconds later. She growled, dipping the nose of the ship significantly. They followed. She moved sporadically, doing everything she knew to do to get rid of them. Nothing fazed them. They seemed to be attached to the ship by a rope. 

“Rey!” Kylo barked. “You’ve got to stay still so I can get a clear shot!”

_ “No!”  _ She banked steeply left; they still managed to tail her. “They aren’t Order fighters! Do  _ not  _ shoot them down!”

_ “Rey!” _

She ignored him. She could lose them without letting anyone get hurt. He just had to give her more time. 

A green bolt of plasma came and rammed into the rear of their craft, causing it to lurch violently. Rey and Kylo both swore. 

“I have to gun them down, Rey! They’ll blow us apart!”

Rey’s throat tightened. “Kylo,  _ no!” _

He didn’t listen. She heard him fire multiple times, then their ship shuddered as shockwaves from an explosion rolled over them. Rey froze. What if that were someone she knew? She couldn’t help but see Finn’s lifeless body floating through space.

She knew deep down that Kylo was right. That it was shoot or be shot, and that he’d done what he had to. But she couldn’t help but get a sinking feeling in her stomach. 

“Rey, can you see a way out up there?”

One that she’d have to ignore for now. 

She blinked hard, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. At this point, they were far enough below Snoke’s ship that the fight was high above them. 

“If I can get us a little further out-”

The sudden discharge of their blaster cannons cut her short. She heard Kylo curse in an alien dialect she’d never heard before. 

“You’re going to have to do it fast because I think the Order just figured out who we are!”

Before he could even finish his sentence, two well-aimed blasts momentarily threw their ship off course. The scream of a TIE fighter rang in her ears as one tore into space beside her. Rey checked their sensors and saw that at least two more were tailing them closely. Another blast hit the ship. Then another. Then two more.

_ “Kylo…” _

“I’m  _ working  _ on it!” he shouted. 

She heard him fire on the two fighters behind them, presumably taking them out, but the one sidled up next to them couldn’t be shaken. Rey forced the throttle as far as she could, but she quickly realized that trying to outrun the TIE was foolish and would only waste fuel. 

“I can’t get that one; it’s in too close!”

Rey growled in frustration. Trying to lose the TIE was going to be harder than trying to lose the fighter they’d been chased by earlier, but if they gave it the opportunity, it would shoot them down. They couldn’t beat it, they couldn’t shake it off, and they couldn’t outrun it. 

Suddenly, an idea took shape. It was crazy enough, it just might work. 

“Kylo,” she began, her idea beginning to solidify, “I think I’ve got a plan! But if we do this, you’re going to have one good shot, and that’s it! Don’t screw it up!”

“No pressure!”

He said something else, but Rey didn’t hear. She was too focused on her opponent, looking for the right moment to strike. She pushed the throttle for a few seconds longer, making sure the TIE was set in its course. Silently, she counted down in her head, backing off the throttle completely when she got to zero. As she’d planned, the TIE continued to hurtle down the path they’d been on before. She grinned, firing up the thrusters and slinging the ship around so Kylo could get a clear shot. Her smile only grew when she felt the explosion signaling the TIE’s destruction. They bolted in the other direction and Rey shakily attempted to regain her bearings.

“Now let’s go!” Kylo called from the back. “The path is clear; make the jump while we can!”

Rey didn’t know where exactly they were or which way was up, but she listened to him, hastily plugging in coordinates before throwing their ship to lightspeed. 

* * *

Kylo sighed as they finally got out of reach of both the fight and the Order’s sensors and careened into hyperspace. He sluggishly crawled from the gunner’s seat, willing himself to calm down. Adrenaline made his ears buzz, and his vision was oddly splotchy. His hands were shaky and he felt almost numb. As the high began to ebb away, he could feel himself reacting to all that had just happened. Fear, betrayal, disgust, remorse; they raged through him like a storm. But following that storm was a feeling that was simultaneously liberating and terrifying. 

The feeling of being free. 

For the first time in over half a decade, he was completely at liberty to make his own choices. While Snoke and his influence were still in the galaxy, he no longer had to scrape and grovel at his feet. And while that was what he’d wanted, he wasn’t sure how to move forward. Surely, Rey was going to drop him the first chance she got, and then he’d  _ really  _ be on his own. 

He’d have to deal with that later. 

He stumbled up to the cockpit, pausing a couple times to compose himself before reaching the back of the pilot’s chair. Rey slouched in the seat, also clearly relieved they were out of the line of fire. Upon seeing him, she straightened, brushing a few stray hairs away from her face and puffing out her cheeks. “That was a hell of a ride, wasn’t it?”

Kylo nodded, though she turned the other way before he saw. 

“We’ve got to wait until we’re on the other side of this, but after that...back to Ach-To, I guess. I’ve just got to chart a course…”

“Rey,” Kylo started tentatively, his stomach sinking.

Of course, she wouldn’t know. Of course, she’d just assume… She continued mumbling quietly to herself. She hadn’t heard him; he’d been too quiet. 

“Rey,” he said again, louder over her mumblings. “Rey, hold on. Stop.”

She turned to him in surprise, her eyebrows arched high on her head. “What? Did you think I was just going to let you go? After all you’ve done, you thought I’d just turn you loose on this galaxy? Yeah, right.” She shook her head, chuckling humorlessly as she returned her attention to the console, “Not a chance.”

“No, Rey,” he said irritably, grabbing her arm and forcing her to look at him. 

There was fire in her gaze, and he was so startled by it that he let her go, even taking a few steps backward. 

“You are  _ not  _ the one in charge anymore,” she said. “I am. You helped me get out. I trusted you to do so. That was our deal. Just because I didn’t stoop so low as to obey Snoke and kill you doesn’t mean we’re friends. I still  _ hate  _ you just as much as I did when I - actually,  _ you  _ brought me on that ship. Your sudden interest in being ‘good’ again does nothing for our relationship because honestly? I don’t believe you.”

As much as her words stung, he brushed them aside simply because  _ he shouldn’t care.  _ “You can’t go back yet,” he said, his voice low. “Unless you want you and everyone you know and love to die violent deaths at the hands of the Order, we’re going to have to lay low for awhile.”

Rey stared at him for a moment, speechless. Then she sat back in the chair. “Liar,” she chuckled, albeit nervously, folding her arms across her chest. 

Kylo’s eyebrows arched in surprise. “You think I’m lying? After all that, you still think I’m lying to you. What’s it going to take?”

When she didn’t answer him, choosing instead to keep her gaze fixed straight ahead on the stars streaking past them, he turned to go back into one of the ship’s cabins, laughing humorlessly. “Fine. Go back. Take me in chains to Luke, to the Resistance. It’ll only mean the end of us both in the long run. I’m done trying.”

He’d only made it a few steps to the hallway before she spoke quietly. “Kylo, come back here.”

He paused momentarily, weighing his options. He could either pretend he hadn’t heard her and keep moving, or go back and see what it was she had to say. Though he knew he’d probably regret it, he made his way back to the front of the cockpit.

“What?”

She finally stopped staring out the viewport and stood from the chair, holding her hand out palm up. “Give me every weapon you have.”

Kylo was sure his eyes were going to pop out of his head.  _ “Are you kidding?” _

“Do I look like I’m kidding? Give me all of them. Blasters, any blades you have on you, and, yes, even your lightsaber.”

He stepped away from her. “You can’t seriously expect me to-”

She closed the distance between them in swift, clipped strides, and even though she had to look up to speak to him directly, her anger made her seem about eight feet taller.

“I will throw you off the back of this ship without any remorse whatsoever if you do not hand over anything even potentially dangerous that you have on your person immediately,” she said quietly. Kylo was sure he would’ve preferred that she yell. “Give me your weapons, Kylo.  _ Now.” _

Kylo fumed, but he reached for the hip blaster he’d hidden at his belt and handed it to her, handle-first. Then, slowly, he unclipped his lightsaber from his belt, rolling it in his hands. In his periphery, he could see Rey turning the blaster so that it faced him, her finger ghosting over the trigger. “Kylo, if you try anything-”

He placed it in her hand before she could finish her sentence. Not out of any fear that the blaster had caused, but because he really wanted her to start trusting him. “There. That’s all I have. You can pat me down, if you want. I’ve got nothing else.”

She eyed him warily, pocketing the lightsaber before she walked around him, giving him a once-over. “I guess I’ll believe you for now.” She took a deep breath before she turned towards the cabins. “I’m going to go hide these. Do not follow me. Do not touch anything on that console. In fact, don’t move from the very spot you’re standing in right now. If I feel this ship move even slightly off course, I will not hesitate to do everything I have to to keep myself and this galaxy safe. I will kill you if I must. Do you understand?”

Kylo nodded. She nodded and walked about three steps before pitching to the right, like something had come out of nowhere and rammed into her side. She teetered for a moment, trying to regain her balance, but she ultimately failed, crumpling to the floor in a heap.

“Rey?”

She groaned, shifting slightly, but she didn’t get up. Something was definitely not okay. Kylo closed the distance between them in two large strides, crouching down next to her. Panic welled up in him, but he swallowed it. If he panicked, no one would be able to help her. 

“Rey, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled, bringing herself up on her elbow. “Just, give me some space. I’m  _ fine.” _

She shoved away his hands, using the wall to bring herself to her feet. 

“You’re not fine, Rey. You need to sleep. To eat. Going on like this isn’t good for you. Especially after what we just did. You’ve drained yourself far beyond the point of ‘fine.’ We have to do something about it, or you could die.”

Rey waved him off, still making a futile attempt to walk. 

“Rey, stop.”

She ignored him, still staggering down the hall. Kylo rolled his eyes, huffing loudly. 

“I said  _ stop!”  _ he roared, attempting to catch her off guard enough to redirect her attention. 

She stumbled again and fell, startled by his voice. 

“This is ridiculous,” he continued, moving again to crouch at her side. “You’re going to kill yourself trying to make sure  _ I  _ don’t kill you. Go lay down. Sleep. I promise I won’t take you somewhere and drop you off or return you to the hands of the enemy.”

She still didn’t trust him. Her entire body language and expression told him so. In fact, she looked terrified. He sighed.

“Rey, I’m not going back,” he said, his voice softer now. “Even if I wanted to, after what just happened back there, they’d kill me on sight. Snoke wants me dead, you heard so yourself. I’ll go and do whatever you want me to do. But I can’t follow your instructions if you’re dead. And after how hard I worked to get you out of there? It would all be for naught if you refused to take care of yourself and kicked the bucket. Go take a break. Please.”

“I don’t believe you,” she whispered.

Kylo nodded. “I know. I know you don’t. But you’re going to have to trust me anyway. It’s the only option you have.”

She deflated, seeming to realize he was right. 

“Now, will you please go lay down? There’s bound to be emergency supplies on this ship somewhere, and once I find some rations, I’ll wake you up to eat. All right?” 

Rey nodded and he helped her to her feet, shuffling her through the ship’s narrow corridors to the pilot’s quarters. He took his things from her hands, setting them on a small shelf on the wall. “I need to hide those,” she slurred.

Kylo shook his head. “They’ll still be there for you to hide them when you wake up. Lay down.”

“No. I need to hide them now.”

Kylo stepped in front of the shelf, blocking her view. She tried to push past him, but he grabbed her by the shoulders, effectively stopping her from moving any farther. “Rey,  _ lay down.” _

_ “No!”  _ she screamed, startling him. “No, I will  _ not _ lay down!”

Kylo blinked in surprise, the suddenness of her outburst rendering him speechless.

“I will  _ not  _ listen to you!” she threw a weak but frustrated punch at his chest. “I will  _ not  _ trust you like you want me to!” she hit him again. 

“Rey-”

“I will  _ not!”  _ she threw a punch to emphasize each word. 

Kylo stood and took it while she hit him. It’s not like she was doing too much damage in her weakened state - though he knew from experience that at full power she could knock him flat - and she had every right to be frustrated. To be angry. She’d been through hell in the past several weeks, and most of it had been because of him. He’d be her outlet if she needed one. 

“I just want you to go  _ away!  _ You have managed to invade  _ every single part  _ of my life! Why? Why does my life have to be all about  _ you?  _ You! You, you, you! I  _ hate  _ you! I hate you, I hate you, I-”

Her voice cracked and tears formed in her eyes.

“Why can’t you just go away?” she hiccuped, her shoulders heaving in a sob. “I hate you; why can’t you just go away?”

After that, she dissolved into tears. She didn’t say anything else, not even any mumbled incoherencies. Kylo continued to hold her by the shoulders, his chest tightening painfully as she cried, until eventually he gently picked her up, carrying her to the cot. He honestly wasn’t sure if she was completely conscious anymore. She wasn’t reacting to anything, not even when he said her name. She continued to cry even as he stepped out, closing the door softly behind him. He took a few steps in the direction of the cockpit, deciding to start his search for supplies there. But a particularly loud cry from Rey halted him. 

He couldn’t just leave her. He couldn’t very well go back inside, either, but he wouldn’t leave her by herself. She felt so alone right now, so horribly, awfully alone. He wouldn’t add to that.

Still, he hesitated.  _ Why can’t you just go away?  _ she’d said.  _ I hate you; why can’t you just go away?  _

He shook his head. She wouldn’t know. He wouldn’t tell her. She needed someone to be there for her right now, even if it was him. Even if she didn’t know. 

“What are you doing to me, scavenger?” he whispered as walked back to lean against the wall and slid to sit on the floor. “What are you doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few softer thoughts from Kylo is always a little nice, don't you think? Just to even things out a bit. 
> 
> As always, comments are always loved and appreciated! Thank you so, so much for reading! Until we read again!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re losing numbers fast out here, Poe!”
> 
> The shout was loud in his ear. He reached up to adjust his comm, grumbling. This mission was not going as cleanly as he’d hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter! I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately, but I really mean it: thank you so much for reading and enjoying this story. I love that you guys like it so much. It really means a lot to me. It's motivating me to write much faster, too, lol.
> 
> Enjoy!

“We’re losing numbers fast out here, Poe!” 

The shout was loud in his ear. He reached up to adjust his comm, grumbling. This mission was  _ not _ going as cleanly as he’d hoped. 

“What do you suggest I do? I’m taking out every TIE in my range!”

“We have to retreat! There’s no other option! They have way too many resources at their disposal!”

Poe caught sight of another TIE hurtling after a Resistance pilot. He swerved to face it directly, firing two shots that both struck true, sending the TIE crashing into the hull of the First Order commandship. He bit back a smile, returning to his conversation. “Wait for my instruction.”

The pilot signed off and Poe switched the comm channels to speak with Maz on their main ship several kilometers off from the fight. It was a rough connection, especially with all the interference he was getting from the Order’s scramblers, but it was still enough to communicate. 

“Maz! How many ships do we still have in the air?”

“Not many.” Maz’s voice was so marred by static as she continued that Poe had to strain to make sense of the words she was saying. “Have we found Rey, yet? If so, now is the time to retreat. My donors will be furious with their losses as it is.”

Poe snorted. “You mean those drunkards passed out on the floor of your cantina? Not likely they’ll be sober enough to understand exactly what it is they’ve lost,” he rolled away from a blast from one of the Order fleet’s ships. “Supposedly, they were reasonably clean when they made this deal, right? But you’re telling me you expect them to be dry enough to be mad about a lost ship after you’ve left them in that cantina with unrestricted access to your stores?” He fired and destroyed the cannon that had tried to gun him down, “I thought you were smarter than that, Maz. No one as stupid as them would care.”

“They weren’t stupid. Far from it, actually. I simply gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse. Either they handed over their ships, or they fought alongside us in our X-wings. I supposed most of them would rather gamble their ships than their lives.”

Poe chuckled. “I like the way you think, Maz. I like the way you think.”

“Well, I do what I have to. You think this mission’s messy now? Imagine if the Order had seen us coming in X-wings from kilometers away. We wouldn’t have even made it close enough to fire. This at least offered some element of surprise.”

Movement caught the corner of Poe’s eye. His head swiveled, and he saw another TIE, this one hurtling straight toward him. He fired, whooping at the explosion that followed. 

“You still haven’t answered my question about Rey,” Maz chimed in as he resumed his laps around Snoke’s ship.

“Right, right, hang on.”

He flipped channels to find the frequency his ground agents were using. “Poe!” he heard Finn shout. “Poe, are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here buddy. How are you guys doing down there?”

There was a muffled explosion, then static, then Poe could hear Finn swear. “Not good!”

“Listen, Finn, have you found Rey?”

Long seconds of static. Poe worried that they’d dropped or broken their comms. 

“No,” was the eventual muffled reply. “We’ve checked every prison cell. I just don’t know where else she would be! I don’t remember hearing about any special cells around here, but I don’t know. She was pretty special, they’d pull out all the stops to keep her contained. We’re going to keep looking.”

“Finn,” Poe said, his stomach sinking, “we’ve got to move out. We’re losing too many people up here to stay.”

_ “No!”  _ Finn shouted, suddenly sounding distraught, panicked. “I came here for Rey; I am  _ not  _ leaving her behind! We have to keep looking! She’s bound to be here somewhere, Poe-”

“Finn, you’ve said yourself she isn’t in any of the cells. Where else would she be?”

“I don’t know. But we can’t leave her behind. If there’s even a chance that she’s here, I’m not leaving. Not without her.”

“Finn-”

“I just need more time, Poe. Please, just try and give me more time.”

Poe sighed, taking a look outside his viewport to survey the fight. It wasn’t looking good. Ships were going down left and right, and most of them weren’t Order fighters. He wasn’t sure they could afford any more time. 

“I’ll see what I can do, Finn, but I can’t promise much of anything.”

“Whatever you can give me I’ll work with.”

Poe switched back to Maz’s channel, sitting silently for a moment before sighing deeply. “They can’t find her, Maz. She’s not in any of the cells.”

Maz didn’t answer right away. Poe assumed she was slowly coming to the same conclusion he’d already come to. If Rey wasn’t anywhere they could find her...well, chances were she wasn’t anywhere to be found. The long silence stretched between them uncomfortably, the grave implications of his statement sinking in alarmingly fast. Before, Poe had felt heavy; now, he just felt numb.

“Maz, you don’t think she’s-”

“We can’t keep letting him look for something we know he won’t find,” she interrupted quietly. 

Poe sat back heavily in his chair, puffing up his cheeks and then blowing the air out slowly. He nodded, “What do we do?”

“We get him off that ship.”

Poe almost laughed. “How? He’s not leaving without Rey. He’ll never admit to himself what we already know; he’ll look for her until the ship collapses in on him.”

“Then you do everything you must to get him to leave,” Maz said firmly. “Even if it is hard. Even if it hurts him.”

At first, Poe was confused. Wasn’t getting people hurt the last thing they wanted? But then her words slowly began to make sense. His blood went cold. “He’ll hate me, Maz. I can’t.”

“He’ll hate everyone for awhile. Grief is a fickle thing; hard to describe, hard to process. But we have to hope that he will come around eventually.”

Poe shifted uncomfortably. She was right, he knew. But that didn’t mean he felt right about what she was asking of him. He cleared his throat, “What does Leia think we should do?”

Maz huffed. “I’m offended that you don’t think I’m capable of making these kinds of decisions, Poe.”

“I’m not - Maz, I don’t think you’re... _ incapable…” _ He stuttered, choking on his words, “I just want us both to get a second opinion on this, all right? It’s not something we can just  _ do.  _ I mean, c’mon, this is Finn we’re talking about. Doing this could crush him.”

“Even if Leia was somewhere I could get to her at the moment, she’s been barred from making decisions about this mission’s particulars, as has Luke.” 

Poe was stunned. “By who?”

“By me.” Maz paused for a moment before continuing, like she was weighing her words. “But I’m sure that if she could provide her input, her answer would be the same as mine. She has always had a mind for the greater good. She would feel that we’ve lost too much now to lose him, too. Besides, it’s not just Finn’s life we’re talking about. He has an entire crew down there with him. Letting him stay would endanger not only him, but all of those people. And for what? What can already be assumed to be a lost cause?” She sighed heavily as if she felt the weight of the galaxy was on her shoulders. “Poe, the number of casualties is already too great. Let’s not add them to the number.”

Poe’s heart sank. He was going to have to do this. “All right,” he said quietly. “All right, I’ll do what I’ve got to do.”

“If you patch me through to him, I can do it. If you’d like.”

Poe shook his head before realizing she couldn’t see him. “No,” he said. “I want to do it. Better me than you. I can take whatever he’ll throw at me later.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ll be fine, Maz.”

“Okay.” Poe could hear her sad smile through the comm. “I’ll start telling our other fighters to retreat. Good luck, Poe.”

“See you back at the base.”

Poe switched off of Maz’s frequency and found Finn’s again, swallowing thickly. “Finn,” he said, hoping that his voice sounded stronger than it felt, “we have to go, man. There’s no more time; we have to retreat.”

“We can’t leave!” Finn shouted, panic rising in his voice. “Poe, we can’t leave yet; I haven’t found Rey! I’m serious, I’m not leaving without her!”

Poe shut his eyes tight, breathing deeply through his nose. His throat was suddenly dry and his tongue felt like lead in his mouth. 

‘You have to do this,’ he told himself. ‘You have to get Finn out of there alive. That’s what’s important right now. Keeping Finn alive.’

“We have her, Finn,” he said, his voice gravelly. He coughed, clearing his throat. “We have Rey.” 

“Really? You found her?”

Poe paused, licking his lips. “Yeah,” he said finally. “She’s headed back in a pod with one of the other ground crews we sent down. She’s fine, Finn. You can head out. Take your crew and find the nearest loading bay; we’ll send someone to pick you up.”

“Can I talk to her?” Finn shouted through the comm. “Can you put me through?”

“No,” Poe said, a little too quickly. “She was in pretty bad shape. She was barely conscious when they found her. Right now they’re taking her back to be treated.”

“Oh,” Finn sounded disheartened, understandably. “Is she going to be okay?”

Poe caught his lip in his teeth, taking another deep breath. “I’m not really sure about her current condition, Finn. Let’s just worry about getting you guys home, all right? Then we can worry about Rey.”

“Okay. I’ll lead everyone to the nearest loading bay. I’ll give you my location when I get there.”

“Sounds good.”

Poe switched off the comm, turning to join the rest of their fleet back at their commandship. He’d unleashed hell, and though he wasn’t looking forward to it, he needed to be there to contain the damage Finn was sure to do.

* * *

Rey stumbled into the cockpit, bleary-eyed. The nap she’d taken felt short, but it had worked wonders. For her energy level, anyway. Hunger still scraped at her insides, causing her to feel faint. She hoped that Kylo had managed to find food. 

She moved up quietly behind the pilot’s seat, warily checking over Kylo’s shoulder to make sure they were still on course. He hadn’t touched anything according to the coordinates still flashing on the console. Rey allowed herself to relax. 

“How far off are we?”

“We should be there in less than a standard hour.”

He didn’t turn to look at her. He sat stiffly in the seat, his eyes never leaving the blue hyperspace streaks outside the viewport. Rey frowned, following his gaze. “What’s so fascinating?”

He shook his head. “I’m not sure. I’ve just...always liked watching it, I guess.”

Rey blinked, turning her head to look at him once again. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, standing up straight. She moved away, pulling open compartments around the cockpit absently. 

“It should be terrifying, shouldn’t it?” he said behind her. “Going this fast should be terrifying. Especially to a kid. But I was never very afraid. Not of this.”

This time, Rey did roll her eyes. She did  _ not  _ have any desire to hear his attempts at sounding human. She sighed, turning to face him. “Did you manage to find any food?”

He blinked, her words bringing him out of whatever trance he’d been in. It was as if he’d just woken up from a sleep of his own. Rey watched closely as he stood from his chair, moving over next to her to open a compartment she had not yet opened. He pulled a packet of rations from it, holding it out to her. “With only two of us, there’s enough to last about a standard week. We’ll have to figure out where to get more.”

She took it from him carefully, moving to sit in the co-pilot’s seat. She unceremoniously tore open the package, pulling out its contents. “I don’t think that’ll be too hard a task.”

Kylo frowned in confusion, moving to sit back in the pilot’s chair. “What do you mean?”

“If we traded this ship for rations, we could be set for a whole year, Kylo,” she muttered around a mouthful of food. “We just have to find the right person.”

Kylo’s frown only became more pronounced. He leaned forward in his chair. “If we trade in our ship, we no longer have a ship. It’s a little hard to be on the run when you don’t have a way to  _ run.” _

Rey scoffed. “Oh, don’t be stupid. With a ship this nice, we can get more rations, different clothes,  _ and  _ another, admittedly junkier, ship.”

“Why would we need different clothes?”

Rey stared at him, wondering if he was really so dense, or if he was trying to assume a persona of innocence. Either way, Rey was unimpressed. “Well, I’m filthy and my clothes are so worn at this point that they look like rags, so depending on where we end up,  _ I  _ may not need new clothes.  _ You  _ on the other hand,” she gestured to his dark clothing. “Most places that we go, you’ll stick out like a wampa on Tatooine. Your stature, your face, your physique; all things we can’t change. But your clothes?  _ Those  _ we can change to make it a little bit harder to recognize you.”

Rey swallowed the last bite of her food gratefully. It was the first food she’d eaten freely in weeks. She wasn’t hesitant, wasn’t worried about being poisoned. She was almost sad to see it gone. But she knew she’d be getting more soon. She chanced looking up at Kylo again. He was watching her with a strange look on his face, one that she might have described as amusement. 

“Do you want another?” he asked.

Rey swiped the back of her hand across her mouth, shaking her head. “No. We have to be smart about how we use them. Just in case we can’t get more. I’ll be fine.”

He nodded. She stood up, brushing the crumbs off of her shirt, and Kylo stood with her. She gestured back towards the pilot’s quarters, sliding into the pilot’s seat herself. “You should go back and rest. Just with the time we have left. You’ll need as much of it as you can get if we’re going to be on the run indefinitely. I’m not going to drag dead weight around, and I don’t expect you to, either. Both of us need to make sure we’re taking care of ourselves so we can make a quick escape, if necessary.”

Kylo turned and walked from the cockpit without another word, much to Rey’s surprise. She didn’t watch him as he left, only listened to his footfalls until she heard the cabin door open and shut. She sighed, leaning back in the chair. Her hand went to the weapons she’d had the mind to take with her when she’d left the cabin, glad she’d thought of them on the shelf. While Kylo didn’t appear to be being aggressive now, who knew how he’d be if given the chance to ambush her. She wouldn’t take the chance. Not when she was so close now to going home. Well, closer than she’d been in that prison cell. 

It was going to be a very long few weeks, Rey could tell. But she could at least take comfort in the fact that she was in charge from here on out. And Kylo, to his credit, seemed to know better than to fight her on anything. Well, most things. But that was just for now; she wasn’t sure how much longer he’d acquiesce to her requests. She’d have to figure out a way to leave him behind when he wasn’t paying attention. Who knew how long he’d say she should stay with him otherwise? Rey so badly wanted to go home. To see Finn. 

She just hoped she’d get the chance.

* * *

“What do you mean she’s not here?”

_ Found him.  _ Poe sighed, closing his eyes before he came around the corner. He swallowed back a swear when he saw Finn towering over a poor medical staffer, a scowl twisting his face. 

“I mean she isn’t here, sir,” she squeaked. “I’m sorry. I can’t find her in my records…” 

She pulled her datapad away from her face, flicking through it frantically, her eyes scanning the names on its screen. Poe moved up behind Finn, taking him by the arm. “Finn, buddy, we have to talk.”

“No,” he growled, yanking his arm out of Poe’s hand, his eyes never leaving the terrified medic’s face. “We have to go see Rey. And  _ she,”  _ he gestured to the nurse, “is going to tell us where to go.”

“Sir, I can’t-” she began.

“Finn, seriously, let’s go somewhere private. There’s a lot to talk about and you need to sit down for a minute.”

“Why won’t you just tell us where she is?” Finn thundered, blatantly ignoring Poe. “We aren’t some random people hoping to sneak a peek at ‘the Jedi.’ We’re her friends! And we want to make sure she’s okay!”

“I would let you in if I could, sir. But she’s simply not-”

Poe quickly stepped between Finn and the medic, cutting her off. “She’s not taking any visitors right now, Finn. Not even Leia can get in to see her. The medical staff has to make sure she’s completely all right before they let anyone else near her.”

The medic tapped him on the shoulder, a protest forming on her lips. Poe turned and shot her a look, and she seemed to understand. She closed her mouth. 

“Now,” Poe said, turning back to Finn, “will you please come with me?”

“I just want to know that she’s alive. That she’s going to be okay. Can you at least tell me that?”

Finn was still talking over his shoulder, ignoring him in favor of the information he thought the nurse had. Poe turned again to look at her and she seemed to be using her eyes to ask what she should say. Fortunately, she seemed to be able to figure her way out of it without Poe’s help. 

“I’ll see what I can find.”

When she turned and walked away, Finn finally let Poe take him by the shoulder and lead him out of the medbay. There seemed to be people in every room talking about the fight they’d just had. Even though they’d managed a sort of surprise attack, they had taken heavy losses. As good as it was that people were finding solace in each other, Poe needed somewhere without any people. Finn was a ticking time bomb at the moment, and when he heard what Poe had to say, he’d explode. Best to limit the number of witnesses to the necessary few.

“Poe, where are we going? I just want to go lay down for awhile until they let me in to see Rey.”

“Yeah, I have to talk to you about that.”

Finn frowned. “About what?”

Poe ignored him, turning sharply into a hall that was mostly empty, stuffing Finn inside the first room. He slid inside behind him, closing and locking the door, and while he’d expected them to be alone, he found upon second glance that they were not.

“Poe?”

Leia was shoved into a corner, and it looked to Poe like she wanted to disappear into the shadows on the wall. Luke sat close by, his hand resting awkwardly on her knee. Maz was sitting at a small table in the center of the room, her hands folded solemnly on the table in front of her. 

“How fitting,” Poe mumbled. “It’s another meeting.”

“Poe,  _ what  _ is going on?” Finn huffed. 

Maz twisted in her chair, removing her hands from their place on the table. “I take it he doesn’t know?”

Poe’s eyes widened.  _ “Maz.” _

“Know what?” Finn now turned to look at everyone in the room.

All of them averted their eyes, save for Maz who was giving Finn her trademark once-over. When his eyes finally settled back on Poe, he frowned. “What’s the real reason they won’t let me in to see Rey? What is it you’re not telling me?”

Poe ducked his head, rubbing his eyes with the pads of his forefinger and thumb. “Finn, why don’t you sit down?”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

Poe ran his hand over his mouth. “Fine. Finn...we don’t have Rey. She’s not here.”

He closed his eyes tightly, expecting an outburst. But none came. He opened his eyes to see that Finn’s face had gone entirely blank. He was confused. 

“What do you mean we don’t have her? I thought you said she…”

He trailed off, his face screwing up as he tried to process Poe’s news. 

“I had to get you off of that ship, Finn. We couldn’t have you risking your life and the lives of all those other people to find something that...probably wasn’t there. I’m so sorry.”

Suddenly, Finn’s face changed from one of confusion to one of betrayal. “You lied to me?”

Poe blanched. “Finn, I-”

“If you’d made an honest mistake, that would be one thing. I’d still be furious, but at least you wouldn’t have  _ lied.  _ But no, you left her behind on purpose! How could you do that?”

“Finn, it was either leave her behind or leave  _ you!  _ I wasn’t going to leave you behind so you could die for Rey when she’s probably…” Poe stopped himself, bringing his voice down, “when she’s probably already gone.”

Finn looked ready to explode, that outburst Poe had been waiting on seeming seconds from happening. “You lying bastard. You’re wrong.”

“Finn-”

“I’m going after her,” he said, moving to the door. “I don’t need a crew. Not if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ll go by myself.”

Poe ran to block the door. “You’re not leaving this base, Finn. I won’t let you. It’s reckless and pointless, and I won’t allow it.”

Finn’s eyes narrowed. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

Poe looked around the room for support. “Leia?”

She looked lost. “Finn, I...please, don’t make this any harder for yourself. For any of us. Losing you too would just be too much.”

“You all have already given up on her!” he shouted. “You’ve already decided she’s gone! I don’t think she is! But I know that she could be if we don’t  _ do  _ something! So I’m going back to get her.”

“Finn, be reasonable,  _ please,”  _ Maz implored him quietly. “We could not find her. If she wasn’t on that ship, then where would she be?”

“That’s what I’m going to find out.”

Finn reached past Poe and forced the door open, pushing him out of the way. 

“You’ll die!” Poe shouted before he could walk out the door. 

Finn halted, but his hand still rested on the doorframe, and he was poised to leave. Poe figured he’d better speak quickly. “You will die and for  _ nothing!  _ For some false hope that you have because you can just  _ feel  _ that she’s not dead! Finn, I’ve lost so many friends in this line of duty that I could count them on both your hands and mine. And every time, I can just  _ feel  _ that they aren’t dead, even after seeing their body. It’s a feeling that everyone has because they don’t want to accept that that person is gone. But I just don’t know what other conclusion we could come to with the information we’ve been given.”

Finn seemed to sag, but he didn’t say anything, so Poe took it as his signal to continue. 

“We couldn’t find her. She’s gone. We have to accept that.”

“Just because we couldn’t find her doesn’t mean she’s dead.”

Poe swallowed hard. He wanted to quit, but he knew that Finn needed to hear what he was saying. “Do you really want to do that to yourself? Do you really want to entertain so many alternative scenarios that you go crazy looking for her? She wouldn’t want you to suffer for weeks on end. She’d want you to keep fighting for the cause. The cause she died for. And she died because she _believed_ in it, Finn. Do you believe in it? Believe in her and what she wanted? Because she wouldn’t want you to die, Finn. Not for her. Not like this.”

Finn turned back to him, tears in his eyes. “If she’s gone, then he’s taken her too. And I said I wouldn’t let him take her. Not Rey. Not her, too.”

“She cared about you, Finn,” Luke whispered, the first words he’d said since they’d arrived. “Now you have to care enough about her and what she wanted to let her go. She won’t be forgotten. Not by the Resistance, not by the galaxy. Not by any of us. But you have to let her go.”

Finn rounded on him, something Poe had anticipated. Poe yanked him back by the arm, but still, Finn struggled against him. “If you hadn’t left her alone, she’d still be alive,” he hissed. “I could’ve seen her again! I could’ve at least gotten to tell her goodbye, tell her good luck! But now I never get to see her again! Not even her body! They probably incinerated it and threw it out like the rest of their garbage! This is your fault. So don’t you  _ dare  _ feed me that line about letting her go.”

“Finn you’re angry, buddy. Let’s just not talk right now, okay? You’ll only say something you’ll regret later. Why don’t we go?”

Poe attempted to pull him back towards the door, but Finn ripped himself from his grasp, turning to him. “Yeah, Poe, why don’t we go? Let’s go get on a ship, find that son-of-a-bitch, and kill him.”

“Finn!” Maz looked horrified. She flew from her seat, ambling up to Finn furiously. “You think about the company you are in!”

Poe chanced looking over at Leia. She’d shrunk even smaller than before, and Poe was alarmed to see tears streaming down her pale face. A lump in his throat, Poe looked away. 

“I have!” Finn was shouting back at Maz. “That monster has taken so much from me! Too much! And now he’s taken Rey, too! So the next time I see him, I’m going to make sure that he doesn’t get the chance to take anything else. And I want everyone to know.”

Maz seemed ready to explode. “I understand your anger, but I will  _ not  _ tolerate your disrespect towards that woman over there! Apologize immediately!”

“Why is it that you people think you can tell me what to do?”

Finn and Maz continued to argue, but Poe tuned them out. He’d become too occupied with his own inner dialogue. Had they even ever found Ren? The mission  _ had  _ been both rescue and capture. But no teams said anything about locating the Force-user, though they’d been given explicit instructions to do so if they saw him. So if he hadn’t been on that ship, and he hadn’t been in the air, where had he been? They’d had teams on all ends of the ship, tasked with finding either Rey or Ren and bringing them back to the commandship. They’d turned up empty-handed on both accounts. Those odds, while slim,  _ were  _ possible, but Poe didn’t see how they could be that unlucky. So if Rey was gone...and Ren was too…

“For the last time, Finn, apologize!”

_ “I will not.” _

Maz looked as if she were about to lunge at Finn, so Poe stepped between them. “Hey, hey, both of you take a break for a second, okay? Finn, did you see Ren? While you were on that ship, did you ever find him?”

“No,” Finn looked offended by the query. 

That all but solidified his theory. 

“Okay, then,” Poe said straightening up. “If we couldn’t find either Ren or Rey, then maybe we should entertain the possibility of them being...together.”

Finn looked ready to be sick. “I think I’d rather entertain the possibility of them both being dead, if you want my honest opinion.”

Again, Maz looked disgusted by Finn’s words. “Shame on you. You’d rather Rey be dead than she be with Ben? At least if we consider this option, you have a chance to see her again.”

“He’ll taint her. That is, if he doesn’t kill her. If I accept the fact that she’s dead, I don’t have to turn around and do it again in a few weeks when we get the official word from the Order. I don’t want to do that. If you really think she’s dead, then fine. I’ll give up on her too.”

He stormed out of the room without another word. Poe watched him go, the silence of their room deafening. After a few beats of stunned silence, he turned back to the others, his stomach churning. “I think…” he cleared his throat. “I think maybe I should follow him. Loosely. Just to make sure he doesn’t do anything...stupid.”

Maz nodded, her wide eyes narrowed in indignance. “Make sure he’s cooled down before he talks to me again.”

Poe nodded, turning to leave the room and sprint down the hall as Maz crossed the space to comfort Leia. He shuddered. He’d never been able to handle it when Leia cried. It always made him feel as if hope really  _ was  _ lost. And it especially rattled him now that he knew she wasn’t only crying for Rey but for…

Poe shook his head. Leia had every right to be sad about her son. As much as he hated the man, she knew him in a way he did not, knew him from what seemed like another lifetime. She mourned that person, not the person he’d become. And while Poe couldn’t see Leia’s side of things, he thought that Finn had crossed a serious line. He pitied her in that regard. 

He just hoped that somehow, they’d be able to keep going. Rey had been the glue that had bound all of the people in that room together. Now that she was gone...Poe couldn’t help but feel like they were already beginning to fall apart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not very much Rey and Kylo in this one, but I felt that we needed to spend a little bit of necessary time with the other side of this story. Don't worry, there's much more Rey and Kylo to come in the next chapters. 
> 
> I feel like I might've taken a really bold path as far as some of the things that happened with Finn's character this chapter, so I hope that's okay. Don't worry, he won't be needlessly cruel for the rest of the story, and I'm not trying to completely bash him, I promise. I love Finn. You love Finn. We all love Finn. It's just my personal opinion that he'd get riled up over something like this. 
> 
> Hopefully, the next chapter comes soon! Comments and kudos are always loved and appreciated! Thank you so much for reading! Until next chapter!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kylo.”
> 
> The giant form of Kylo didn’t shift. Not even a little. His chest rose and fell lightly, air puffing out from his lips. Other than that, he was a statue. Rey huffed, moving closer.
> 
> “Kylo.”
> 
> He stirred only slightly before rolling onto his other side and settling back into the cot. She watched, annoyed, as his shoulders heaved in a deep breath. Growling, she stepped forward and grabbed the edge of the blanket he had pulled up around him.
> 
> “Kylo, wake up!” she shouted, pulling it off of him.
> 
> He shot upright, looking dazed and, briefly, scared. His breathing was rapid and his eyes darted around the room. After looking around for a moment, he relaxed, appearing to remember where he was. He sat back in the cot, glaring at Rey. “Was that necessary?” he slurred.
> 
> “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite a long one! Also, chapter twenty!!! Halfway through this story. That's baffling to me. Something about this chapter felt...different to me as I was writing it, so, hopefully, if you notice that too, it isn't a bad different.
> 
> I'll go ahead and let you read on!

“Kylo.”

The giant form of Kylo didn’t shift. Not even a little. His chest rose and fell lightly, air puffing out from his lips. Other than that, he was a statue. Rey huffed, moving closer. 

_ “Kylo.” _

He stirred only slightly before rolling onto his other side and settling back into the cot. She watched, annoyed, as his shoulders heaved in a deep breath. Growling, she stepped forward and grabbed the edge of the blanket he had pulled up around him. 

“Kylo,  _ wake up!”  _ she shouted, pulling it off of him. 

He shot upright, looking dazed and, briefly, scared. His breathing was rapid and his eyes darted around the room. After looking around for a moment, he relaxed, appearing to remember where he was. He sat back in the cot, glaring at Rey. “Was that necessary?” he slurred. 

“Yes.” She held out a cloak she’d found in one of the many compartments in the cockpit. “We’re almost there. You’ll need this until we’ve gotten new clothes and gotten out of the towns. It should help keep away prying eyes.”

He stared at her groggily, still not completely awake. Rey did not pull the cloak away. She continued holding it out to him, her foot tapping impatiently. Kylo looked between her and the cloak several times before asking, “What about you?”

Rey resisted the  _ very  _ strong urge to roll her eyes. “There’s one for me in the cockpit. Put it on. We don’t have all day.”

Finally, Kylo swung his legs over the side of the bed, pulling his boots on before tugging the cloak out of her hands. Lazily, he shrugged it on before getting up and following her out of the quarters and down the hall to the cockpit. 

“What was your plan, again?” he asked, falling more than sitting in the co-pilot’s chair. 

Rey puffed up her cheeks, blowing the air out slowly as she circled around the pilot’s chair. “Well,” she sighed, sitting heavily and glancing around the cockpit, “we have a  _ Helix- _ class light interceptor in near-perfect condition at our disposal. A ship like this could set us up for life if we found the right buyer. Rare in this condition, technically banned by the Empire, then the ban carried over afterwards. I still don’t understand why the Order just had one of these lying around.”

Kylo offered no explanation. He stared blankly out of the viewport, and Rey wondered if he was even listening at all. She continued on the slim chance he was. 

“We’ll use the credits we get from the sale to get us a ship that’s easily lost in a crowd and use the rest to get other essentials. Hopefully, we can do everything we need to and get out quickly.”

He nodded absently, prompting Rey to believe he was at least  _ partially  _ listening. She watched his eyes as they scanned the blue hyperspace stripes outside the ship. They were glazed over, at least partially, she assumed, from sleep. But there was also some strange sense of wonder there, too. Maybe he hadn’t been lying earlier about being intrigued by the sensations it caused. 

Something about that made her uneasy for a reason she couldn’t fully grasp.  

A light started blinking on the main console, pulling Rey from her musings. “We’re here,” she mumbled.

They fell out of hyperspace, the stillness of the sky around them jarring in contrast to the speeds they’d been experiencing for the past several standard hours. A sand-covered planet loomed in front of them. While not the one Rey had spent most of her childhood struggling to survive on, it was just as unappealing. Already, she hated this planet. But the fact that she would be on semi-familiar turf and would have the upper hand in that regard was something she was willing to sacrifice for. 

She eased into the desert planet’s atmosphere, setting down in a large sand dune where dozens of other ships were also docked. 

“Let’s go,” she said as the ship’s engines powered down. “We don’t have much time. I’m sure the Order set a reward on our heads a long time ago.”

Kylo stood slowly from the seat, moving towards the exit ramp. Rey made to follow him, but pivoted and returned to the cockpit when she remembered quite possibly the most important thing she’d packed for them to bring. She ducked down to pull two knapsacks from under the pilot’s seat. 

“Wait,” she called to Kylo. “There’s something else I meant to give you.”

His head appeared in the doorway above her, a curious sort of frown winding its way across his features. She held one of the sacks out to him and he took it, pulling it on under his cloak. Rey took the other and slung it over her own shoulders, pulling on the cloak she’d found for herself and fastening it around her neck. 

“Now, we can go.”

He turned and led the way out into the sweltering heat; it seemed to suck all the air from Rey’s lungs in an awful, familiar way. Making a small, discontented noise, Kylo pulled his hood far over his face. Squinting against the sun, Rey did the same. 

“Where to first?”

Rey surveyed the seemingly endless pit of sand they currently found themselves in the middle of, her eyes landing on the small trading post she’d been hoping they’d find. She pointed. “I’m sure there’s plenty of ship traders there. We’ll start with them.”

They marched along, their boots sinking into the sand silently. Kylo didn’t say a word, but somehow, Rey knew what question he was currently turning over in his mind. It wasn’t in his body language, and he wasn’t making any moves to ask her; it was almost like she could hear it. As if she were thinking it herself.

“We’re on Beheboth. As far as I can tell from the coordinates, we’re about fifty-five kilometers outside Hebofyrd.”

His head turned, his dark eyes watching her from under the hood he wore. “What made you decide to come here?”

Rey kept her head down, refusing to meet his gaze. “I didn’t decide to, really. At least, not at first. At first, I’d just been focused on getting away. But when I saw where our coordinates landed us, I adjusted them just enough to get us here. I’d heard of this place back on Jakku. Figured I at least knew what the terrain would be like, the social climate. I’ve heard so many stories that I figured I could better navigate this planet than any others within several dozen lightyears of here.”

Kylo nodded, fixing his gaze back on the trading post in the distance. 

“I may not know much about this planet, but it’s sparsely populated, secluded, and far, far away from the Core where security is tight and we can easily be seen,” she continued. “I didn’t want to risk being caught by a facial-recognition cam or surveillance droid.”

“How far-?” he began. 

“Outer Rim.”

He nodded again. “Good.”

They walked in silence again for a little while, the tension between them thick, making the silence unbearable. Rey chose to redirect her attentions to the other people they were now starting to come upon. Every time someone walked by a little slower than she would’ve liked, she could feel herself holding her breath as if exhaling alone would let them know who she was. 

Rey was beginning to feel lightheaded when Kylo matched his strides to hers so they could walk side-by-side. “Don’t be so tense,” he muttered out of the side of his mouth. “No one’s paying attention to you now, but if you continue carrying yourself that way, they will. Breathe. Relax.”

She took a deep breath, making a conscious effort to unwind. Her shoulders relaxed, and she allowed herself to move loosely, no longer making short, quick movements. 

“Better.”

Rey couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Since when are you the expert on body language?”

“I figure my years of faking certain types of body language qualify me.”

He wasn’t being condescending. He was simply stating what he believed to be a fact. Rey didn’t know what to say. She wanted to ignore the comment, but the most she could make herself do was file it away to think about later. They walked along in silence once more after that. 

After what seemed like an eternity, they were in the middle of the trading post, people milling about on all sides. Traders of every species and tongue shouted their sales pitches across the sand, but Rey understood less than half of them. The Basic being spoken was broken and stiff, like it wasn’t the first language of many of the people speaking it.

“How many of these do  _ you  _ speak?” Rey muttered. 

“I’m conversational in a few. I could pick through a few words in others. But not very many.”

Rey sighed, suddenly - and unbelievably - wishing that she was in the company of a certain golden protocol droid. “I recognize a few, too. Hopefully, between the two of us, we know enough.”

They pushed through the throngs of people, Rey’s eyes scanning the numerous stands to find a ship trader. She was having trouble seeing through the crowds. 

“Is there even a standard language for this planet?” Kylo asked after a while.

“I thought it was Basic,” Rey admitted, standing on her toes to see over a group loitering in her path. “All of the visitors Jakku got from Beheboth spoke it fluently, but this is a trading post, not a city. Not everyone here is native to this planet. We’ll just have to do what we can.”

The people who’d been blocking her view finally moved, and she brightened when she noticed a ship trader. “Found one,” she whispered, at about the same time that Kylo said he’d spotted someone.

She turned slowly to look at him, eyeing him quizzically. He stared back, just as wary. After a beat, Rey broke the stare, shaking her head. “That one, over there.”

She pointed towards a struggling trader several paces away. She took her chance to get to him after a quarreling couple passed by, ready to break into a jog to keep from being swept up by the crowd. But Kylo pulled her back by the wrist.

“What are you doing? Let’s go!” she hissed. 

“I was talking about  _ that  _ one,” Kylo said, pointing at another trader far in the other direction. 

Rey followed his finger to a stand flooded with people. That wouldn’t work. “No,” she protested. “There are too many people there.”

“No one’s trading with  _ him.” _

He was now referring to the trader she’d suggested. She rolled her eyes. “That’s the  _ point.  _ The fewer people there are, the better. For more reasons than one.”

She turned to start off towards the ship trader, annoyed that she’d been prevented from taking advantage of her previous window of opportunity. 

“Hey,” Kylo called after her.  _ “Hey.  _ Isn’t his lack of business a red flag to you? He could be a slimeball.”

“You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?” Rey bit. 

“Let’s not turn this into an attack on me, okay? I’m serious.”

Rey huffed, irritated that she had to spend precious time explaining what should have, in her opinion, been quite obvious. “Kylo. Fewer people trading with him means fewer people seeing us. If the Order sweeps through here, I want to make sure there are the fewest amount of witnesses possible. You may not care about these people, but I do. If they don’t have information, they don’t get taken.”

“That isn’t necessarily true.”

Rey chose to ignore him. “Lack of business also means he’s desperate. He’ll take just about any deal we propose. We’re going to get more from him than we would from anyone else.”

Kylo was silent for several seconds. Rey prepared a response to the challenge she was sure he’d raise. Instead, he hummed in agreement and gestured for her to lead the way. After pausing for a few moments in surprise, she turned to shove through the crowds that seemed to have thickened impossibly. There was no way she could weave a path through all these people  _ and  _ keep an eye on Kylo. A place like this was the perfect opportunity for him to get away. 

For  _ her  _ to get away…

No. Not yet. She’d get her opportunity.

Suddenly, Kylo pushed in front of her, easily forging a path through the crowds with his broad shoulders and tall stature. “Come on,” he urged. “It’ll be easier if I lead.” 

Rey stared after him jealously before surrendering her pride, following in the path he was carving. Kylo came to a halt in front of the struggling trader much faster than Rey would have been able to, and Rey fell into position beside him, giving the trader a broad smile. She opened her mouth to greet him, but he spat a long string of guttural speech before she had the chance. Rey blinked; she was certain she’d never heard this particular language before ever in her life. 

She leaned towards Kylo. “Do you know what he just said?”

Kylo shook his head imperceptibly, also baffled. “I think it was Ahak Maharr, but I don’t speak it.”

“Great.” She straightened, plastering a smile on her face again. “We...need - a  _ ship.” _

She spoke slowly and precisely, gesturing towards the dozen or so ships sitting behind him. He frowned at her, looking between her and the lot behind him. Rey deflated; he hadn’t understood her. 

“What do we do now?” 

She shrugged, prepared to turn and go across the trading post to the trader Kylo had spotted earlier. Suddenly, the trader laughed, a gruff sound. “My apologies,” he wheezed in thickly accented Basic. “I forget that most humans cannot speak my language. My name is Kuro. You said you need a ship?”

Relieved, Rey nodded. “Please. We’d also like to sell our ship if that’s possible.”

Kuro’s smile faded. He eyed the pair of them suspiciously. “What ship?”

Rey turned, pointing at the lot housing their ship off in the distance. “It’s hard to see from here, but it’s far over there, I promise.”

Even as she said the words, she knew it was a long shot. In a place like this where credits were scarce and scammers were many, there was a slim possibility that you’d be taken at your word.

“I’m sorry,” Kuro sighed. “I cannot see the condition from here. I do not even know if you have a ship to give me. And I cannot leave my stand unattended. There is no sale.”

Rey began to turn and tell Kylo to stay with the man until she brought the ship back to where they were, but an idea took shape before she could say the words. Kylo stepped forward as if to threaten him, but Rey held an arm out, catching him by the chest. “I understand,” she said kindly. “I’ll just ask the man over there for help.”

She pointed out the trader who Kylo had seen earlier. Kuro’s mouth fell open in protest, the beginnings of a sentence stirring in the back of his throat. 

“Thank you for your time.”

She swiveled to walk the other way, pulling Kylo along with her. At first, he attempted to stay put, but Rey dug her fingernails into his bicep and he obliged. After taking a few steps, Kylo leaned down to speak with her. “What are you doing? I thought you said-”

“Just wait.”

He straightened, keeping pace with her strides. Once they’d reached the middle of the marketplace, she slowed.

“Three…” Rey whispered. “Two...one…”

“Wait!”

Rey smiled, pulling Kylo to a halt. 

“Miss! Wait! I may be able to give you something!”

She turned to walk back to the trader.  _ “That’s  _ what I was doing.”

“Huh.”

Rey smiled politely at Kuro. “Yes?”

“What model is your ship?” he asked, his hand scratching uncertainly at the untamed beard on his chin. 

“It’s light interceptor.  _ Helix- _ class.”

She almost laughed at his expression. “Really? In good condition?”

“It’s a little roughed up, but almost as good as new.”

She’d gotten to him, she could tell. He ran a hand over his mouth, his eyes scanning the empty air in front of him as he thought it over. 

“What do you want for it?”

“One of your ships and the rest of our ship’s value in credits. May we take a look at these?”

He stepped aside. “Be my guest.”

She took ahold of Kylo’s upper arm again and moved between the ships, observing them all carefully. 

“They all look like junk,” Kylo mumbled when they were out of earshot.

“It’s probably why he doesn’t get many customers,” she answered him, dropping his arm and approaching a ship that had caught her eye. “We have to find something standard. Or old. Something that can blend in with a crowd. This is the perfect place.”

“Just hurry,” he muttered behind her. “The sooner we get out of here, the safer we’ll be.”

Rey rolled her eyes, reaching out to touch the hull of the ship she’d taken an interest in. She brushed some of the grit from it, a small smile turning her lips upward when she recognized the ship’s familiar shape. “A Ghtroc 720. I did flight sims for these all the time on Jakku.”

“It looks like it hasn’t seen flight in a decade.”

Rey chuckled softly, still running her hand along the banged-up hull. “It probably hasn’t.”

She continued looking over the ship, checking for any potential malfunctions or dangers the ship posed. She kept an eye on Kylo as well, always making sure he was in her periphery. Several times, she watched as the material of his cloak fluttered and a passerby would suddenly turn the other direction. Every time he did so, her temper flared. While she understood his concern, paranoia would only worsen their situation. 

Eventually, she declared the ship in working order and joined him at the front of the lot. “It seems to be in decent condition. A few bugs, but I should be able to fix those.”

She glanced down toward his hand, annoyed to see his cloak shift again before a nearby Twi’lek promptly did a heel-face turn and marched the other way. “Be careful about how much you use that, okay?”

“I’m only doing what’s necessary.”

Rey bit her tongue. Kuro came over to join them, a hopeful smile on his face. “Well?”

“We’ll take that one over there.”

She pointed to the Ghtroc and Kuro’s smile widened. He waddled off to retrieve the ship, and Rey took Kylo and dragged him back to theirs. She landed the interceptor among the other ships in the yard, and after Kuro had given them their due in credits, she took the Ghtroc and docked it where they’d been previously.

“Now, we find ourselves some new clothes,” she said as they once again made the trek back to the trading post. 

Of course, Kylo wanted nothing to do with this. 

“I really don’t want to try on twenty tunics that look exactly the same,” he protested. 

“You don’t have to,” Rey assured him, handing him a sleeved beige tunic that looked about his size before throwing a pair of pants on top. “You just need to find one or two. Then we’ll get you some boots and a belt and you’ll be done.”

He rolled his eyes, but trudged away in the direction of the changing stalls. Rey already had her purchase in mind. It was an ensemble reminiscent of the outfit she’d worn to scavenge the junkyards of Jakku, only in darker browns. As much as she wanted to hate it, she couldn’t deny that its familiarity gave her comfort. 

About ten standard minutes later, Kylo arrived behind her, wearing the tunic she’d given him and a brown pair of trousers. 

“Comfortable?”

He shrugged. 

“Go take them off and we’ll buy them. Do you know your boot size?”

After they’d made their purchases, Rey forced him to go change into the new clothing, insisting that it would be safer. While he did so, she bought enough food and water rations to last them a long while, and some other simple necessities. Then, she had him wait while she changed, and they left the busy trading post to head back to their ship. 

When they finally clambered up the ramp, Rey’s feet were sore and it was beginning to get dark. “You go sort the rations and I’ll find us a place to set up camp.”

Kylo took the bag from her and retreated to the main cabin of the ship, then Rey turned and climbed into the cockpit. It took about thirty standard minutes to find a spot she deemed suitable for their temporary habitation. It was about 100 kilometers away from a big city in any direction. She managed to put them in a valley surrounded by sand dunes several kilometers high. From far off, you wouldn’t be able to tell they were there. 

Once the ship was settled, she sat back in the pilot’s seat and sighed, allowing herself to really relax for the first time in a long while. It had been a long day. The first of many. 

Unless she decided to leave. 

She would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about it every time Kylo had gone out of her range of sight. The only thing that had stopped her every time was the realization that she’d be posing a threat to the galaxy by running away, something she couldn’t live with doing. If she left, he really was on his own, with no one to monitor his actions. He could do whatever he wanted without anyone to tell him no. She’d be endangering too many people if she left. But she could be endangering herself if she stayed. She wasn’t sure what to do. 

It wasn’t important now. She wouldn’t be able to leave until she was given the right opportunity. Maybe the Force would give her a sign. For the time being, she’d make sure Kylo was doing what he was supposed to. 

He was hunched over a table in the main cabin, piles of rations sitting in front of him. He dwarfed the small bench he was sitting on, but he didn’t seem to mind. It was like he was used to that being the case. 

“Kylo, I want to lay some ground rules before we set up camp.”

Her voice was loud and jarring in the silence. Kylo flinched. His surprise soon passed, however, and he rolled his eyes. “How did I not see that coming?”

Rey disregarded his statement. “Rule number one: you are not allowed to touch any of my things without my express consent, understood?”

He nodded, still focused on his work and not on her. This irked Rey, but she continued. 

“Rule number two: you will do as I ask  _ when  _ I ask it, and you will do so without complaint.”

“Am I your slave now?”

“You’re my prisoner. You may not be locked in a cell or shackled, but that’s still what you are, and I will treat you as such.”

Kylo shook his head, but he said nothing else. Rey took the opportunity to continue. “You will have your side of camp at all times, and I will have mine. At night, there will always be someone on guard, and that someone will almost definitely be me. I will make the meals to make sure you don’t poison them, I will do all repairs on the ship to make sure you don’t sabotage it, and I will choose every planet we use to hide. If I’ve forgotten anything, I’ll let you know at a later time.”

She turned to walk out, but Kylo stopped her.

“When are you going to sleep?”

“What?”

“When are you going to sleep? If you’re always going to be on night watch, always going to be making meals and keeping up the ship and picking out new places to stay, when are you going to have the time to sleep?”

She hadn’t thought of that. But she’d find a time. There was no way she’d let him do anything even remotely involving her trust while she was asleep. She’d be dead before she could wake up again.

“I’ll find the time.”

Kylo scoffed. “No, you won’t. You’d rather die of your own accord than let me kill you.”

It was clear from the tone of his voice that he wasn’t serious. But Rey was. He was absolutely right; she would rather she die of her own volition than trust him openly only to be stabbed in the back. Literally. And the look on her face must have said as much because when Kylo looked up to meet her eyes, his face fell into a look of dismay. 

“Are you kidding me?” He stood from the table, rising to his full height. “You’re going to deprive yourself of basic necessities to keep me from...what? I don’t know what exactly it is you expect me to do. You’ve taken all my weapons, hidden them in a place that I won’t be able to find them. I can’t very well take this ship and go anywhere with you on it, and if I tried to move you while you were sleeping, you’d almost definitely wake up and I’d die.”

“At least you’ve gotten one thing right.”

He rolled his eyes. “Besides, it’s not like you can’t keep tabs on me every minute of every day.”

Rey frowned. “But I can’t.”

Kylo stared at her as if she was finding the simplest concept hard to comprehend. “You mean you don’t know?”

“Don’t know what?”

He reached out, tapping her temple lightly with his index finger. “Our little...connection. It’s like we’re...tied together.”

Something about the phrase made Rey want to be sick. Her, tied to a murderer? She wanted nothing to do with it.

“Don’t touch me,” she mumbled, for lack of something better to say.

Kylo held his hands up in frustrated surrender. “Fine. Whatever. Run yourself into the ground, Rey. I don’t care anymore. At least you’ll die thinking you’ve done something noble.”

He turned to sit back down, but he’d lit a fire in Rey, and she was ready to rise to whatever challenge he presented. She ran in front of him, placing a hand in the center of his chest and shoving him backwards. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He laughed in disbelief. “What is-? Rey, what have I been saying over and over again for the past several weeks?  _ You’re running yourself dry.  _ You have nothing left even now! And you’re going to make it worse by continuing to refuse to sleep? You were denied those things for quite a while, but you’re going to continue to deprive yourself of them? To what end? For what purpose? Are you punishing yourself for something?”

Rey felt heat rise to her face. “I most certainly am not!”

_ “Then what is your problem?” _

_ “I don’t trust you!”  _ she roared. “I do not trust you one bit! I never will! The only things I know to expect from you are betrayal! Pain!”

Kylo was pacing the length of the small room now, a hand in his hair. His jaw was clenched tightly, and his other hand gripped his hip, fiddling with the material there. “I helped you escape from that  _ hellhole,”  _ he muttered through gritted teeth. “I almost let you  _ kill me  _ so Snoke wouldn’t kill  _ you! What more do you want from me?” _

“There’s nothing you could do! Not a single thing! No matter what you do, I can’t trust you! How do I know there isn’t some plan you’ve had from the very beginning, and all you’re waiting for is my trust? Then you’ll either kill me or kill everyone else depending on what you get from me, right? Isn’t that how this works?”

Kylo growled, whirling on her. “What would I do? What  _ could  _ I do? Both sides of this war hate me. Everyone in this galaxy is either indifferent towards me, or they despise me. I have no friends. No allies. I have nothing. But, yes, I am  _ definitely  _ anticipating galactic domination, Rey. You know, what about me? How do I know you’re not going to kill  _ me  _ in  _ my  _ sleep?”

“I haven’t lied to you like you’ve lied to me! Don’t you dare compare yourself to me! We have  _ nothing  _ in common!”

“I think you’d be surprised,” he muttered.

He brushed past her, walking out the doorway. Rey followed him closely. She was far from finished with this conversation.

“When we get back to the Resistance base, you’re going to stay in whatever cell they throw you in until you  _ rot!  _ Do you hear? You will rot in a Resistance cell for what you’ve done! Can you say the same about me?”

“You know what, Rey?” he came to an abrupt stop. “You’re  _ infuriating!  _ Absolutely bullheaded! I don’t care anymore.”

He started moving again, this time towards the exit ramp. Rey scrambled to catch up to him.

“Die!” he continued. “Die from lack of sleep or starvation! I’ve done what I can for you, and you won’t listen. I mean, hell, take us back to the Resistance  _ now!  _ Then your death won’t be slow and painful, it’ll be remarkably fast when whatever planet we’re on is blown to dust!”

“When did you become the expert on everything? When did you decide you’d always get the final say? You think I’m playing into your hand by doing this as you advised, but I’m only doing this because I’m not willing to risk the lives of all my friends! So, sure, we’ll do what you want, but not for any longer than I have to! I’m  _ not _ waiting for you to give the word,” she grabbed him by the arm, pulling him to a stop before he could hit the button to lower the ramp, “because  _ I don’t trust you!” _

_ “Good!” _

Rey was stunned into silence. 

Kylo had pivoted to face her, and Rey was terrified by what she saw. His eyes were wild. Haunted. He seemed to have aged years right in front of her. She staggered backwards, her hand catching a ledge she used to steady herself. 

“You probably shouldn’t trust me,” he panted.  _ “I can’t even trust  _ myself _ anymore.” _

Rey had nothing to say in response. He loomed over her briefly before he realized what he’d said. Then he paled and slammed the button to lower the ramp. “Don’t follow me,” he said quietly. “I’ll be back later.”

“You can’t-”

“I  _ said  _ I’d come back. Or do you not trust me enough to do that?”

That stung Rey for a reason he probably hadn’t intended. A reason he  _ couldn’t  _ have intended.

“You know, honestly?” he mumbled. “I think you have a bigger problem than just me when it comes to trust.”

Then he jumped down to the end of the ramp and walked off, shutting the hatch behind him. 

Rey didn’t go after him. She couldn’t bring herself to do so. She couldn’t decide if it was because she didn’t have the energy, or because she, too, wanted some time alone. 

She sat heavily on the floor near the hatch, forcing herself to tamper down her anger. She could leave right now. Pack a bag and go. Maybe this was the sign; the Force was providing her with an opportunity. But was it providing her an opportunity or a choice? A choice to keep herself safe at the expense of others, or stay and bring home a lost son. Would she be able to face Leia if she left now? Would she be able to look her in the eye and tell her she’d made the choice to abandon her son instead of bringing him home? But would Leia ever forgive her if she allowed herself to be killed? If she let another person close to the Resistance fall at the hands of Kylo? 

There was a lot for Rey to think about.

* * *

Kylo wanted to scream. Rey was being absolutely ridiculous. Didn’t she realize that dying because of her pride was just as bad as dying because of him? Either way, dying was not a good option for her. Now, more than ever, he was considering knocking her out so she would get sleep that way. Would it make her trust him? No. Almost definitely not. But if she died, he would certainly follow close behind. Already, he’d been saved from making several stupid mistakes because of her. She was smart. Resourceful. And about the only chance he really had of making it until he could atone for what he’d done. 

So what would it take for him to get through to her? Would he ever be able to? The only times when he’d been semi-successful in that regard were when she was in really bad shape. Near-collapse bad shape. 

He growled, kicking his boot through the sand. 

At this point, he was ready for her to drag him back to the Resistance and throw him in a cell. It was almost what he wanted. It’s what he knew he deserved. Imprisonment would be a lenient sentence. 

The only thing he dreaded was seeing his mother. 

The pain in her face. The anger in her eyes. He didn’t want to see all the sorrow he’d caused. He didn’t want to die or be locked away for life with the image of his broken mother seared into the back of his mind - always there, always haunting him. 

But maybe he’d see nothing at all. Maybe she’d be hateful and impassive as she sentenced him for all he had done. To the galaxy. To her. Somehow, he felt that would be worse. Knowing for certain - though he’d long assumed that to be the case - that she no longer cared about him would be a worse punishment than anything else. 

Either way, he couldn’t imagine that he deserved anything less than what he got. 

The ship loomed in the distance, a silhouette against the darkening skyline. Kylo had been out for at least an hour, and had only started making his way back a few minutes ago. At least, it seemed like it had only been a few minutes ago. Time passed irregularly for him now. No longer marked by a strict schedule, it seemed to flow erratically, at its own cadence. 

Kylo didn’t figure it mattered what time it was. As long as he came back, he was keeping his promise. That would give Rey another reason to trust him. All he could do was continue to show he was trustworthy and hope that eventually, she’d realize his only goal wasn’t to pull one over on her. 

Eventually, the ship materialized only a few paces in front of him, and he saw, to his surprise, that the ramp was already lowered, ready for him to climb up into the belly of the craft. He was sure he’d closed it before he left. He walked up to the end of it, looking up inside. 

“Rey?” he called. 

He was met with silence. That was not a good sign. 

“Rey, I’m back,” he called again, clambering up into the ship. 

She wasn’t there. Immediately, he turned to check the cockpit. She wasn’t up there either. He swallowed thickly, guilt already boiling in his stomach. If the Order had come and found her while he was gone, he’d never be able to forgive himself. Then she’d really think that all of what he’d done was part of an elaborate scheme.

He spun around and ran back to check the main cabin. Maybe she’d decided to finish up the work he’d left behind. He found, to his dismay, that the piles he’d meticulously sorted all the rations into were gone, as well. Now, he was panicked. Nothing was left untidy, nothing strewn about that he should worry over. 

So now he was forced to wonder, had she left him behind?

He checked all the quarters, checking every inch of the ship to see if maybe she was doing this on purpose to see what he’d do. At one point, he came across a pile covered with a cloth that looked suspiciously like his lightsaber and the blaster he’d handed over. As tempting as it was to take them, he decided to leave them alone. He was trying to promote trust, not destroy what little bit of it he had.

Finally, he’d checked everywhere except one place; the pilot’s quarters. 

He stopped outside the door, taking a deep breath and willing Rey to be behind it. The door opened slowly, too slowly. Kylo was sure his heart would stop, it was beating so quickly. 

“Rey?”

Slowly, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Rey took shape on the cot in front of him. Sound asleep. 

Kylo couldn’t help but laugh in relief. Of course, she hadn’t left. She wouldn’t let him out of her sight long enough to make a meal, much less leave him entirely to his own devices. At least she’d be getting some more sleep. Getting as much of it as she could would be good for her. 

Silently, he backed out of the room and closed the door. He’d keep watch for tonight. Just until she woke up. 

As he walked back down the ramp, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just  _ maybe,  _ he  _ had _ managed to get somewhere with her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make up for the lack of Rey and Kylo in the last chapter with the extra 2k words of this chapter. Hopefully, you all think I did a good job!
> 
> Thank you to all of you for your continued readership! Comments and kudos are always loved so, so much more than you could ever know. See you next update!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why didn’t you wake me up?”
> 
> Her complaint was expected but unwelcome.
> 
> “Are you dead?” Kylo asked. “Am I?”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “Are you dead?” he said again, turning from the bag he’d been rifling through. “Did I let anyone onto the ship? Call someone from the Order to come and take you in your sleep? Did I kill you? Or are we still as safe as we can be, given the circumstances?”
> 
> Her bottom lip bobbed for a moment, attempting to form an answer that wouldn’t support him.
> 
> “Try looking at what I might be doing right instead of always assuming I’m doing it wrong,” he muttered as he stood up and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a little longer than normal, but there's some pretty substantial stuff in this chapter so I wanted to make sure to get everything right. Thank you for your patience! I hope you all enjoy!

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Her complaint was expected but unwelcome. 

“Are you dead?” Kylo asked. “Am I?”

“What?”

“Are you dead?” he said again, turning from the bag he’d been rifling through. “Did I let anyone onto the ship? Call someone from the Order to come and take you in your sleep? Did  _ I  _ kill you? Or are we still as safe as we can be, given the circumstances?”

Her bottom lip bobbed for a moment, attempting to form an answer that wouldn’t support him. 

“Try looking at what I might be doing right instead of always assuming I’m doing it wrong,” he muttered as he stood up and walked away.

Much to his annoyance, Rey followed. “It doesn’t matter how good of a job you did or didn’t do; I  _ told  _ you last night that I would be the one keeping watch, and you went out of your way to disobey that rule! It didn’t even take a day for you to go against something I said!”

He knew he shouldn’t open his mouth. Knew he shouldn’t poke the proverbial beast. But he did anyway. Because he’d stopped caring  _ long  _ ago. 

“You know, you still haven’t answered my question.”

She met his taunts without missing a beat. “And  _ you  _ still haven’t answered mine.”

Kylo stopped, spinning to face her. “Honestly? I figured you need all the sleep you can get. So I didn’t wake you up.”

Her frown deepened. 

“Oh, was that not malicious enough for you?” he crooned. “What would you rather I say? ‘I’ve been in contact with Snoke himself the whole eight hours you were sleeping,’ or, ‘I’ve been plotting all this time to kill you in the cruelest way,’ maybe? Sorry, it’s just not in my cards. I risked my life to save yours; I’m not going to do anything to endanger you now. That would be stupid.”

He turned away before he could even read her expression. She said something else as he approached the ration shelves, but he chose not to hear her. He pulled one down and slid onto the bench nearest to him, tearing it open and preparing for the harsh rebuke he was sure to get. 

“...I already don’t trust you,” she was saying as she walked in, “and then you go and do something like this to make it worse! I can’t-”

“Rey!”

She stopped short as Kylo stood. “It’s happened! It’s over! There’s nothing you can do about it; there’s nothing  _ I _ can do about it. I stayed by that hatch all night, and I made sure no one blew us up. That’s it. It would be best for both of us if we could just forget all of this and  _ move on.” _

He grew aware of how threatening his posture had become and he backed down, seating himself again on the bench. His eyes he trained downward, staring at his food as if it was the only thing he could see. Any moment now, Rey’s shouts would echo through the metallic interior of the ship. Kylo had unleashed a force of nature over something as petty as who kept night watch, but he wasn’t sure he’d made a mistake in doing so. He wished she would see how ridiculous she was being. Wished she would realize that he had nothing to gain from going back.

After several seconds of silence, he checked to see that she wasn’t standing over him, lightsaber in hand, ready to strike him down. She wasn’t. She’d moved across the room and pulled a ration pack from the pile, herself. It was like she’d decided he didn’t exist. They met glances over their food every once in a while, but she’d look away, still silent. 

He so wanted to say something about knowing where she’d hidden the weapons, to say that even though he knew exactly where they were, he hadn’t taken them. However, though that could potentially promote trust, it would probably only destroy what little of it they shared, so he kept that information to himself. Besides, if he told her, she’d move them so if, Maker forbid, the need arose, he wouldn’t be able to find them. 

When Rey finished, she cleaned up after herself and left without another word. Kylo watched her, simultaneously astonished and baffled by her sudden silence. Was she not going to put up a fight? Was she going to lay down and let it go for once? Surely not. That was far too much to hope for. Something worse had to be brewing.

He’d tread lightly.

She was still silent when he met her in the main cabin. When he walked past, she didn’t even look up. He plopped himself down across the room from her, noticing for the first time what it was she was doing - tearing her old, tattered clothes into strips. Several times, he opened his mouth to ask her why, but he wasn’t going to start something else if she wasn’t going to, either. 

Eventually, she looked up and eyed him as he’d been eyeing her. “What?”

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

She wasn’t buying that. She held up the cloth in her hands. “I suppose you want to know what I’m doing.”

Now was a good time to weigh his options before proceeding. Was this a trap? Did she  _ want  _ him to ask what she was doing? Was it really that important at all? After deciding he had nothing to lose, he nodded.

“Of course, you do,” she snorted. “You can’t keep your nose in your own business.”

She resumed her task without answering his question. Kylo rolled his eyes. 

They sat like that for almost an hour, neither one of them talking, neither one of them acknowledging the other’s presence. They might as well have been in two different galaxies. 

Kylo took to fiddling with the edges of his sleeves. It was strange how loose these new clothes felt. He almost felt...naked, half the time. More vulnerability. Exactly what he needed. 

Rey wasn’t paying attention to his squirming. Kylo almost found it amusing just how focused she was on such a menial task. The strips were uneven at best and in tatters at worst, but it was as if the entirety of the galaxy was woven in the threads of the old material. Fascinating as she found the cloth, Kylo was unamused. 

“I’m going to…” he mumbled, not bothering to finish his sentence with actual words. 

He shifted to stand, his joints popping as he moved.

“You said something last night that I’m not sure I understand.”

Of course she’d waited until the last moment possible to broach the topic. Whatever was most inconvenient for him. 

He sat back on the floor, sighing. “I’m going to need you to be more specific.”

“I’ll get there.” 

She tore the last of her strips, folding them and setting them aside. Her pace was painstaking, but not because she cared about making sure the tear was neat. The flick of her gaze in his direction every few seconds was enough to tell. 

“We’ll need to find a way to sanitize those,” she said when she’d finished. “They could be patches. Bandages, if we need them.”

Leaving would start another fight. Kylo knew that. It took everything he possessed not to walk out, anyway. He cleared his throat. “You were saying?”

She stared at him. It felt as if she was scanning him, trying to find her answer without asking a question. Kylo met her glare evenly.

“You said something about us being...what was it you said? ‘Tied together,’ I think it was.” She folded her arms over her chest. “Would you care to explain that?”

“Not really.”

Her suspicion morphed into anger, and she opened her mouth, likely for another tirade. Kylo held up a hand.

“Please...don’t.”

Her mouth closed, but her frown remained. They were caught in a staring match for several seconds, but Kylo backed down first, closing his eyes and tilting his head back against the wall. 

“I’m not sure I could give you as much information as you’d like.”

“Given the circumstances, I’ll take what I can get. Anything is better than nothing.”

Kylo sighed, licked his lips. He opened his eyes, but he didn’t move his head from its place on the wall. “Snoke seems to think we’re connected. In a way that most people are not. He wasn’t sure how - he never said so, but I knew. Then, he had me bring you to him just to make sure and...well, then I don’t think he had to wonder. I guess when we brought you onto Starkiller and-”

“When _you_ brought me onto Starkiller. Those weren’t the orders you were given; you were supposed to get the map from BB-8. _You_ said you didn’t need BB-8 because you had me. _You_ brought me onto Starkiller, not the Order.”

He gaped at her for a moment before regaining his senses, shaking his head, and waving her off. “When _we,”_ he gave her a pointed glare, “brought you onto Starkiller, you and I managed to tie ourselves together when I tried to pull that map from your head and you fought back. And that’s it, I guess. That one moment stuck us together. At least, that’s what Snoke believes. I thought he was crazy until recently. Seeing you, hearing you, meeting you in my dreams. Starts to happen enough and you think that maybe your master’s crazy delusions aren’t so crazy after all.”

He swallowed, prepared to continue, but Rey spoke before he could.

“How do we get rid of it?”

Her voice was small, frail. Kylo looked up at her, startled to see that she looked pale, almost green. She seemed terrified.

“I’m...not sure we can.”

If her face could’ve fallen any farther, it did.

“So this is forever, then? This...whatever it is? It’s always going to be there, that’s what you’re saying.”

Kylo scrambled to recover. To fix whatever it was he’d said that had upset her so much. 

“Rey, I told you I didn’t know very much about this. We could try and find more about it, maybe ask...ask Luke if he knows-”

“No.”

She stumbled to her feet and left. Kylo knew better than to follow.

* * *

When Rey finally wandered back into the same vicinity, hours had passed. The sun was setting, and Kylo was watching from the copilot’s seat through the cockpit viewport. He sensed her before he saw her; she hovered in the doorway before walking inside and plopping herself in the seat next to him. 

She was silent for a long time and Kylo was prepared to receive a long lecture. Technically, he’d been banned from the cockpit - an addendum already given to the rules Rey’d set only the night before - but he didn’t figure there was any way she could punish him. Not out here. Still, he wasn’t looking forward to the fight that was sure to come of it. 

But she didn’t say anything. Not about that, anyway. 

She stared out the viewport, same as him. Neither one of them looked at the other.

“Can you…?” She shifted, clearing her throat. “Can you always see what’s in my head?”

“No.”

It was clear she didn’t believe that. 

“I suppose I could if I tried, yes,” he amended. “Even though we’re bonded -  _ if  _ we are - I’d have to make a conscious attempt most of the time. And even then, it probably wouldn’t work the way I wanted it to. Sometimes, it just happens, as we know from the few encounters we’ve had already. But with the connection being so undeveloped, so young, to do it at will would take effort. Practice. Time and care.”

_ That neither of us is willing to give,  _ he added silently. 

“Is there anything to do for us to fix it? Would it fade away if we ignored it?”

He shot her a sidelong glance. “I don’t know what you think we were trying to do before all this.”

“Maybe we were subconsciously exploring the connection because we weren’t entirely aware of it, but now that we  _ are-” _

“Rey, this isn’t just going to go away. From what little I’ve been able to find on the subject, these things aren’t easily forged, which almost certainly means they aren’t easily broken. And after what we’ve been through and given the situation we find ourselves in, I don’t know how you think we’ll be able to just forget all about each other.”

“The only other option is keeping it, Kylo, and I’m not doing  _ that!  _ Not with you!”

Something in Kylo snapped. “Can we stop that? Can we just accept the fact that, for the time being, we are in the  _ exact same boat?  _ You get caught, I get caught, Rey! So let’s stop doing... _ whatever  _ this is and start thinking like we’re on the same team! Or at least the same planet!”

Finally, he’d turned to look at her. Her mouth was agape, her brow twisted in a scowl. He heard the stirrings of a protest in the back of her throat, but he plowed on before she could continue. It was his turn to talk.  _ His.  _ She’d gotten her turn. 

“Why don’t you realize that if you die, I die? I’m on your side! I have to be, right now!  _ I  _ get that! Do you? Do you realize that it’s cooperate or die? This isn’t just about you anymore, Rey, this about the Resistance! Everyone you care about! Are you willing to let them die because of me?”

She swallowed hard, and Kylo swore he could see tears glistening in her eyes. “No.”

“Okay! Then can we please get it together for  _ two seconds!  _ Let’s...act like adults and not children!”

He slumped back in his seat, running a hand through his hair as he caught his breath. Rey snorted next to him. “A little ironic, coming from you.”

Kylo brought his hand down on the console. “That’s _exactly_ what I’m talking about, Rey! These jabs at each other are getting us nowhere! Can we stop this arguing and _talk,_ please? I understand our situation is far from ideal, but _this?_ This fixes nothing! I get it! You hate me, and you want me dead, and the thought of being connected to me makes you ill! Fine! But let’s discuss it when we aren’t running for our lives from people that want us _both_ dead! Both of us, Rey!”

He panted, staring her down. She stared defiantly back. After a beat, she turned to look out the viewport again, mumbling something Kylo couldn’t make out. Still, he was sure he could guess the general message. 

This time,  _ he  _ was the one to walk out. Rey was smart enough not to follow. 

* * *

_ “Of course.” _

_ Of course now would be the time this would happen. Of course he’d be here. Of course.  _ Of course.

_ So much for sleep being her escape. _

_ “Why are you here right now?” his voice echoed. “Shouldn’t one of us be awake?” _

_ “And that person  _ has  _ to be me?” _

_ “According to you, yes.” _

_ She could  _ hear  _ the smug smile on his face, and oh, what she’d give to slap it off. “Why are  _ you  _ here?” _

_ “Sleeping keeps me out of your way. At least, I thought it did. I thought maybe I’d finally found a way to avoid fighting with you. Apparently not.” _

_ Rey groaned and flopped onto her back. A soft thud met her ears moments later, leading her to believe that Kylo had done the same. She put her hands over her face, taking a deep breath and mulling over her options.  _

_ She had so much she wanted to say. So much she wanted to scream in his face. She wanted to make him feel small for every atrocity he’d ever committed, wanted him to hurt like  _ she  _ hurt.  _

_ But he was right. They were working together now to stay alive, whether she liked it or not. They would both be on the run for a while if Rey was to believe him and the motives he gave. And if she wanted it to be bearable, she was going to have to swallow her pride for now and try to come to some sort of temporary truce. _

_ She took a deep breath through her nose. “Kylo-” _

_ “I really don’t want to do this right now, Rey. Please. We don’t have to talk to each other. You don’t even have to acknowledge the fact that I’m here. Silence is fine.” _

_ “Will you let me speak?” _

_ She heard him huff. After a moment, “If you must.” _

_ His attitude was  _ not  _ making her next statement come any easier. But if she wanted to make peace, she had to be the one to extend her hand. After a long pause, she forced out the hardest sentence she’d ever had to form in regards to this man.  _

_ “I just wanted to say that you were right.” _

_ The words were fast, jumbled together so they were hard to understand. But they were out there. She’d said them.  _

_ Unfortunately. _

_ “What?” _

_ Rey rolled her eyes. “Oh, you heard what I said.” _

_ “No, actually, I’m not sure I did.” _

_ Though it irritated her, it’s not like she could blame him. She couldn’t quite believe it, either. _

_ “I said, you were right,” she huffed as she sat up. “Fighting won’t keep us alive. Cooperating will. So, as much as I’d love to give you a piece of my mind, there’s a time and a place, and it’s not now or here.” _

_ “You’re actually agreeing with me?” _

_ “Not entirely. But it would be arrogant of me to think that you don’t have a point.” _

_ She felt...relief? Contentment, maybe? A similar sentiment to those flowered in the Force around her, light and overpowering. _

_ “I’d like to revisit our connection.” _

_ The calm feeling vanished as if it had never existed. “I already told you all I know.” _

_ “You told me how you found out about it. Not what ‘it’ is.” _

_ He shifted but offered no answer. Rey frowned. “Can you come to me? I’d be more comfortable if I could see you.” _

_ The shifting sounds stopped. “I’ve told you I can’t do that. And I’ve told you why.” _

_ A vague conversation from what seemed like years ago came to mind. A then-stranger had rambled something about not wanting to endanger her or place her in the way of their nightmares. Once she’d found out that her strange companion was none other than Kylo, she’d entirely disregarded every conversation they’d had, finding it easier to forget them than it was to remember how vulnerable she’d been in front of him. Up to this point, though she hadn’t given it much thought in that amount of time, she’d assumed he was lying, she supposed. But now… _

_ “You weren’t making that up?” _

_ “There were few things in those conversations that I made up.” _

Who you were being one of them,  _ she wanted to say. But she kept her mouth shut.  _

_ She pushed herself to her feet. “I guess that means I’m coming out to you.” _

_ “Are you really going to risk doing that again?” _

_ Rey shot a glare in what she assumed was his direction. “I’ve done it twice and survived just fine. I just have to remind myself not to let it swallow me. It isn’t dragging me in, I’m choosing to enter.  _ I  _ have the power. It does not.” _

_ It was silent as she dusted herself off.  _

_ “Fine,” he finally said.  _

_ The inflection of his voice projected that if she died, he’d be standing over her grave shouting ‘I told you so.’ She ignored him; she knew what she was doing. _

_ After taking a deep breath, she walked out in the direction of his voice, her steps slow and cautious despite her confident words. Faint light followed her, as it always did, from her little patch, lighting the way, but only a few feet in front of her. She’d never gone out very far, definitely not as far as she was traveling now. The anxiety twisting her stomach into knots got worse the farther she went, and she began to understand Kylo’s warning.  _

_ Eventually, it grew to be too much, and, afraid to go any farther, she stopped.  _

_ “Kylo?” she called, her cheeks flushing. “Kylo, can...can you meet me here? I don’t want to go any farther than this.” _

_ She expected jeers. Taunts. Mocking laughter or words. But he did none of that. Instead, he met her request with slow, even steps, measured so as not to alarm her. When she could make out his silhouette in her light, she closed the gap, trying to ignore the sigh of relief that escaped her without her consent.  _

_ They stood, avoiding each other’s gazes for a minute or more before Rey took charge of the situation and sat down, crossing her legs. Kylo followed suit, relieved at being given something to do. _

_ “So...” _

_ “So.” _

_ “We can share dreams. Clearly. What else can we do?” _

_ She tried hard not to stare - she knew it would make them both uncomfortable - but she was curious. And desperate. _

_ “Well,” he started, pulling his lower lip between his teeth for a moment. “We’ve managed to project ourselves in some way across the galaxy so we can both see and hear each other over great distances. I’m sure that could be done by normal means, but to use those means would require practice and purpose and a will that we don’t have.” _

_ “I wouldn’t try that hard just to see you.” After she realized what she’d said, she added, “No offense.”  _

_ “I’ll live.” He cleared his throat and started his speech once again. “There’s also the possibility of us being emotionally linked. I have less evidence of this, but I’ve had my suspicions for a while. Unexplainable mood swings, random bursts of nervous or excited energy, things of that nature. I’ve felt your peace, I’m almost certain. Maybe you were meditating or-” _

_ “I’ve felt your anger.” Rey’s voice was quieter than she’d expected it to be. “Your…” _

_ She wasn’t sure how to describe the rush of things she’d felt from him on occasion. The only word she could manage to scrape up was ‘mess.’ It was a twisted storm of so many different things that Rey wasn’t sure that it wasn’t just all the emotions on the spectrum rolled into a ball and flung at her.  _

_ Kylo realized that she wasn’t going to finish her sentence and he continued. “And that leaves us being linked in some cruel manner where we can experience the other’s pain.” _

_ That would explain the pain flashes. But what had he felt from her? She’d play dumb and maybe he’d tell her. “How do you figure that?” _

_ He seemed surprised by her question. “Well, I...I just assumed...when Snoke-”  _

_ He stopped without any indication that he’d continue. Rey found herself leaning forward. “What?” _

_ When he looked at her, his face displayed guilt the likes of which she’d never expected to see on his features. “I could feel what he did to you. I tried to deny it at first, but it’s harder to do when you can feel the ghosts of what you’re denying. I know what he did because I could  _ feel  _ what he did. I’m just sorry I didn’t stop it sooner. I was a coward, and instead of stopping it, I left you alone. It seemed easier to feel a familiar pain than deal with a new one.” _

_ “New one?” _

_ His eyes bore holes into hers, pleading with her not to make him voice the answer aloud. That alone caused the answer to hit her like a punch, knocking the air from her lungs. She averted her gaze to let him know he no longer needed to explain.  _

She  _ was his new pain. The fact that he’d had to watch her suffer when he knew she’d done nothing wrong. He’d sat by and let it happen. But was it because of something else?  _

_ No. This was just another lie. It had to be.  _

_ ‘Cooperate,’ she reminded herself. ‘Allow yourself to trust, just a little.’ _

_ She turned to his eyes, the one thing about him she knew she could trust. They never lied. It seemed to Rey that they couldn’t. What she found in them was something that, deep down, she already knew: he was telling the truth.  _

_ Overwhelmed by this development, she looked away.  _

_ “So, if we ignore this... _ connection,”  _ a small part of her wanted to call it a ‘bond’, but that word seemed too soft, too...intimate, “it stays unpredictable. We have to live with the fact that sometimes we’ll randomly connect to each other until one of us dies.” _

_ “To put it bluntly.” _

_ “But,” she sighed, pulling her knees to her chest, “if we learn more about it, open up to it, explore it, we could potentially learn to control it.” _

_ Kylo was slow to respond. “I’d say that’s a safe assumption, yes.” _

_ “Then I guess we don’t really have a choice.” _

_ “I guess you’re right.” _

_ They fell into silence.  _

_ Rey tried to ignore the insistent gnawing in her stomach. Something about being connected to him in such a close way felt...wrong. He was a horrible person. What kind of things did he think about? What atrocities did he relive every day in his memories? How many of them would Rey be privy to? _

_ The weight of what she’d just agreed to settled squarely on her shoulders, and she found herself panicking. She couldn’t do this. Couldn’t open herself up to be completely vulnerable to this man, this  _ monster. _ Despite the logical decision they’d come to, and the semi-agreement they’d managed to make, Rey was terrified.  _

_ If there was a time to run, it was now.  _

_ “I’m...I’m going to go keep watch,” she whispered. “Someone needs to.” _

_ Kylo tried to stop her, he protested even as she stood, but he was too late. She’d already begun to wake herself.  _

She shot out of bed as fast as her tired limbs would allow, forcing them to propel her across the ship to her belongings. She didn’t have much, but what she had was shoved into a small pack. Slinging it over her shoulder, she slipped back towards the ration shelves, taking a stack and shoving it into her pack with the rest of her things. Checking to make sure she had all she needed, she made for the hatch. 

“Rey?”

His voice was sleepy and uncertain. She stopped in the middle of unlocking and lowering the ramp, straightening up and turning towards him at the slowest pace she could manage.

“What’s in the bag? Where are you even-”

The sleepiness left his eyes and something else replaced it. Something much darker. Rey could no longer meet his gaze.

“I’m...going for a walk.”

Even to her own ears, it sounded like a poorly cobbled excuse, which it was. Sort of. But now that she was awake and far away from the swampy darkness, she saw that running wasn’t the sole course of action she could take. A viable one, for sure, but not her only option. So maybe a walk to clear her head was in good taste. 

Kylo stared at her with what Rey determined to be a mixture of disbelief and disappointment before turning to walk away without a word. 

When he was gone, Rey turned and threw open the hatch, forgetting about the ramp. She hopped down into the sand and straightened the strap on her shoulder, breathing deeply. Maybe she’d come back. Maybe she wouldn’t. 

But right now, she’d walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dreams are back! It's a little difficult to get them asleep at the same time, but I did it, lol. 
> 
> I'm really trying to speed things up just a little bit. I feel like things are moving too slowly sometimes and the last thing I want is for you guys to get bored. Maybe you're not bored, though and I'm just paranoid. Who knows? 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Thank you so much for reading! Your feedback is always so loved and appreciated! Until next time!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo hadn’t expected her to come back.
> 
> Why kid himself? Who sneaks away with a packed bag and then comes back? It wasn’t his first time to be left behind. His denial had never served him well before.
> 
> After she left, he’d traveled back to his bed and flopped down in it, hoping to sleep some more. If she came back, fine. If she didn’t…
> 
> Well, if she didn’t, he was a grown man. He could take care of himself. The last thing he needed right now was someone to breathe down his neck and second guess his every move.
> 
> But he’d still hoped she’d surprise him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping I'd put this chapter up even sooner than this, but this was when I could manage to get it out! I hope you like it!

Kylo hadn’t expected her to come back.

Why kid himself? Who sneaks away with a packed bag and then comes back? It wasn’t his first time to be left behind. His denial had never served him well before.

After she left, he’d traveled back to his bed and flopped down in it, hoping to sleep some more. If she came back, fine. If she didn’t…

Well, if she didn’t, he was a grown man. He could take care of himself. The last thing he needed right now was someone to breathe down his neck and second guess his every move.

But he’d still hoped she’d surprise him.

It had been hours since she’d left and was now pitch-black outside. If she’d been planning on coming back, she would have made sure she had light left to see. She was long gone by now.

Just like he’d told himself, hoping was pointless. It inevitably brought disappointment and like he knew from previous experience-

“Kylo?”

It was a soft whisper, almost indiscernible from the groans and clunks the ship made every once in a while, but he knew he hadn’t imagined it. He stayed still, hoping to hear it again, just to be sure.

“Kylo?” it came again. “Kylo, are you in here?”

Maybe this once, his hope hadn’t been for nothing.

He sat up in bed, squinting to make out her silhouette in the darkness. She stood in the doorway, her shoulders slouched, making her look small.

“Did you think I’d be too stupid to figure out what you were doing?”

He heard himself saying the words, but he couldn’t remember giving his mouth permission to move.

Rey shrank even smaller in the door. “No.”

Was that...shame? Did she feel bad for trying to leave him behind? Maybe she did.

“Where were you going to go?” he asked, less accusing this time. “What happened? You were fine one minute and then the next…”

“I don’t really want to talk about it right now,” she whispered. “I just...I wanted to say I’m sorry, okay?”

She disappeared before Kylo could say another word.

He wanted to follow her, but he knew better than that. So he rolled over to go back to sleep, assuming they’d figure everything out in the morning.

* * *

It had been four days since she’d tried to leave. Four. Since then, it had been so silent that Kylo almost missed the arguing.

When he attempted conversation, she answered monosyllabically. When he tried to ask about what was wrong, she’d brushed him off.

He wasn’t sure what to make of that. In fact, he still wasn’t entirely sure what he’d done to upset her so much in the first place. Sure, it was clear she couldn’t stand him, but that had been the case for a while now, and she’d never tried to run before.

At least not that he knew of.

This was the sixth day since they’d arrived. At least they’d developed a sort of civility in their forced company. As civil as silence would allow, anyway. They had a routine and though they still were not friends - and now not even _speaking_ \- they managed to make things run smoothly. They worked like a well-oiled machine. The daily chores and other tasks were completed efficiently, and they even managed to make the few improvements and repairs Rey had insisted on without throttling each other.

Outside of that, Kylo was smart enough to leave Rey alone. He let her do whatever she wanted, did whatever she asked of him. But it didn’t change the way she acted. Despite their peace agreement, she remained stoic and cold.

Kylo would return the favor.

He was lying on a cot in the crew quarters he’d adopted as his own, staring at the ceiling in lieu of something better to do. He couldn’t lie around doing nothing for long - if he did, thoughts too dark for him to hamper down would consume him - and sleep wouldn’t come. But there was nothing left for him to do with all the free time they’d had, and he wasn’t going to try and talk to his only company until she talked to him first.

He sighed and rolled over, turning his back to the door and closing his eyes to try to sleep again. There was no way that was going to happen, but pretending would give him something to do.

There was a restlessness in the air, a sort of urgency to their situation that Kylo couldn’t place. Sure, they were in constant danger of being found, but this was about as remote a planet as you could find. Still, he wondered if he should voice his unease. Maybe it was justified, and if it was, they needed to find a new place to set up camp.

‘Later,’ he insisted.

He’d hold off contact as long as possible.

“Kylo.”

Apparently, Rey had other ideas.

He sat up, doing his best to hide his annoyance. He was surprised by the nervous tilt to her features, so small he almost missed it. Almost.

“I think it’s time to leave.”

Kylo swung his legs over the side of the bed, training his face into what he hoped was a passive expression. Her words had caused his stomach to perform an anxious somersault, but he didn’t want her to know that. She seemed to have an easier time reading him than he liked, most of the time; he had to work hard to keep things hidden from her.

“Any particular reason?”

“I don’t know, I just...have this feeling.”

It hadn’t just been him.

He nodded and pulled his boots on before following her out of the room. They checked their supplies and made sure every loose object was secured as they made their way to the cockpit, still in silence.

“Where are we going, now?” Kylo chanced.

“I have a few ideas.”

She picked up her stride and left him behind, crawling into the cockpit and sliding into the pilot’s chair. Kylo climbed in behind her, trying to watch her as best he could from his periphery.

Over the past days of silence, he’d tried to gauge her reason for being so. Now, more than before, he could see it wasn’t because of anger, which is what he’d first assumed. It seemed that she was uncomfortable, nervous, maybe even _scared._ But he couldn’t figure out what it was she was scared of. Maybe she’d been feeling this restlessness longer than he had. Maybe it had affected her more than it had affected him. But maybe it was because of something else entirely.

He tried not to stare as they started up the ship and left their desert dwelling far behind.

* * *

Nothing was going the way Leia would have hoped it would.

She was certain Finn hadn’t slept a full night since their failed rescue attempt and he dragged around the base as if he were half-dead, scowling and grumbling at anyone who gave him a sideways glance. Poe seemed at just as much of a loss as she was. It seemed that neither of them was accustomed to seeing the usually docile Finn this way.

It broke Leia’s heart.

But despite what she’d lost, what they’d all lost, the war did not stop for grief. They could not stop yet, either.

Luke did all that he could to help her, and anyone else he could. It was clear that he felt out of place among all these young, trigger-happy recruits - the same person that he’d been so long ago, now as foreign to him as another language. This was only accentuated by the fact that Finn hated him with a fiery passion since he blamed him for the assumed death of Rey. Leia didn’t know what to do with him, either.

She’d practically had to force Maz to leave. Arguing with a woman with a will to match her own was no small feat, but she’d finally managed to find the right words. A small spiel about using the information overheard from drunken miscreants in a cantina to help the Resistance was what it took, but she did it. Maz left only after promising to share anything useful and gleaning the same promise from Leia. Leia knew it had been the right thing to do, that putting Maz in a position to inform was something that would both benefit the Resistance and make Maz feel useful, but she longed for the support the older woman offered.

All Leia wanted right now was some good news.

“General?”

Leia turned to see C-3PO standing at attention behind her. She took a deep breath and swallowed a groan. “What is it, Threepio?”

The protocol droid straightened even more. “R2-D2 and I were scanning the HoloNet for news about the First Order, and I believe we may have found something useful.”

She could have hugged the droid. “Good news?”

“Artoo seems to think that it is proof that Master Rey is still alive. However, I am not sure I agree.”

Leia’s heart jumped. Still alive? This could be just the thing she needed to boost morale. If Rey was still alive, that would certainly be good news. If she was still alive, maybe her son…

With a practiced concentration, she reined herself in. Though her heart thumped with a desperate need to hear what he had to say, she knew this would be a subject to discuss with everyone.

“Come with me, Threepio,” she ordered. “We need to gather your audience.”

She stalked off to find her brother and other assorted companions. C-3PO waddled along after her.

“An audience?” he intoned, his volume lower than normal. “My goodness.”

* * *

Leia was so anxious it was hard for her to breathe.

She’d assembled most of their motley crew, already. Luke was huddled in a far corner of the room, Finn seated as far away from him as possible. Both men sulked like children, Luke’s hood pulled far over his face, Finn’s arms folded across his chest. C-3PO stood at the front of the room with R2-D2, the blue and white astromech beeping feverishly so C-3PO had a hard time getting a word in edgewise. Chewie - a new addition to their conferences, having only just arrived back at the Resistance base earlier that day - sat next to her, his large presence a great comfort.

She was glad he’d finally returned from doing what he’d called ‘personal business.’ She had a sneaking suspicion about the nature of this business, because, after all, everyone needed time to mourn, but she wouldn’t press it. Her old friend was home. She had nothing to complain about.

Now, the only person they waited on was Poe.

Like thinking of him had summoned him out of thin air, he burst through the door in a flurry of limbs and shouting.

“Sorry I’m late,” he panted as BB-8 rolled in noisily behind him. “He wanted to be included in the festivities since he hadn’t been previously invited.”

Here, he shot a pointed glare in C-3PO’s general direction. The oblivious droid said nothing, but Leia might’ve laughed if the circumstances had been different. Poe was actually annoyed that his _droid_ had been excluded from activities. She had to admire his loyalty, at least.

“Come sit, Poe.” She patted the seat next to her. “We were just about to start.”

_About thirty minutes ago._

She faced C-3PO. “What did you find?”

The golden droid shuffled forward, gesturing for his companion to follow. R2-D2 rolled to a stop just in front of Leia, projecting footage above all their heads.

“It was taken on a small desert planet in the Outer Rim. Beheboth. Close to no Order presence there until recently.”

Leia watched with the others as stormtroopers poured from transports into small towns, villages, and trading posts, turning them upside down in search of...something. Maybe even _someone._

“Several reports of civilian disappearances have surfaced since their arrival. This cannot be a coincidence.”

Leia felt as Finn came up behind her. “What are they doing there?”

“Officially, they are-”

“We don’t care what they’re doing _officially,_ Threepio.”

Leia almost smiled at Poe’s obvious irritation with the droid. _Just like Han._

“Reports from the planet indicate they were looking for...fugitives.”

Finn’s hand gripped the back of Leia’s chair. “Rey…”

The hope in his voice made her chest hurt. She’d had hope ripped away from her before, and having it then losing it was worse than never having it at all. But maybe their hunch was right. Maybe this was Rey after all. Maybe this could be-

“You said fugitives,” Poe said, rising from his chair to pace around the hologram. “Plural. How many people are they looking for?”

R2-D2 blipped rapidly. C-3PO shook his head. “It is impossible to know at this time without an official statement.”

“They won’t be doing that,” Finn mumbled.

Poe nodded. “Admitting they’ve lost important people? It’s strategic suicide. Makes them vulnerable.”

They stared in tense silence, watching as the footage looped and played over and over again. A neat desert planet with families and livelihoods, quickly reduced to chaos. It made Leia so angry she forced herself to look away.

 _“We_ know that they’re vulnerable,” Finn whispered finally.

All eyes turned to him.

“We should take a shot at them now. It would be the perfect time, wouldn’t it? While they’re too busy looking for...for whoever it is they want?”

Leia had to admit he had a point. But then, she realized that he expected them to shoot down his first offer so he could propose his lesser, slightly more plausible second option.

“Or we could go look for her. Find her before they do.”

Poe sighed. “Finn…”

“No! Before you shoot me down, think about it! Let’s not kid ourselves, here. They’re looking for Rey! Can’t we all agree on that? Why would they waste those kinds of resources on anyone less important?”

No one could give him an answer.

“We can try and find her before they do. _We can still save her.”_

“I think,” Leia interrupted, standing from her chair, “that we should sleep on this. I’ll take it to Maz, and see if she has anything to share. We’ll move forward when we have all the available information. Until then, _no one_ is to know about what we’ve discussed in here.”

She leveled her gaze at everyone in the room before continuing.

“If anyone decides to be rash and take on this rescue mission on their own,” her she looked to Finn, “they will be found, brought back, and promptly placed in the brig until further notice. Are we clear?”

A chorus of grudging agreement, then they filed out the door. Chewie was the last to leave, pausing just inside the door. He yowled a few words of comfort and Leia did her best not to cry. How she’d missed this.

“Thank you, Chewie. I’ll be fine.”

He regarded her carefully before snuffing his goodbye. Leia waited until the door closed then sat down heavily in her chair. She put her face in her hands. Then she let herself think it. Once. Just once.

_My son might still be alive._

* * *

Kylo could not have been more thankful that this planet was cool. He’d gotten tired of the arid atmosphere and driving winds of Beheboth. Alvorine was a little humid, but that was much preferred to no water anywhere at all.

Rey did not seem to share that sentiment.

“I didn’t know that _air_ could be sticky,” she grumbled.

Even without their newly acknowledged bond, Kylo could feel her discomfort radiating in waves through the Force. He tried not to smile. “You’ll get used to the humidity after awhile.”

They were setting up camp in the clearing they’d landed in. On a planet as densely forested as this one, it was much safer for them to be outside. Kylo was grateful. The two of them needed some space. _He_ did, anyway.

She growled, laying out her bedroll. “I feel like I’m going to have to scrub it off.”

Kylo chuckled before he could catch himself. “How do you think I felt about the sand?”

She shot him a glare as he walked back to the ship. He crawled inside, his head swiveling as he looked for the last of their things. “I think there’s a river not too far from here.”

“Really?”

He found what he was looking for and hopped down. “Yeah. I saw it as we were coming in.”

He dropped their two knapsacks, one still full from Rey’s attempted escape. “That way.”

She looked in the direction he gestured. “I can take a _bath,”_ she whispered. “I haven’t felt clean in ages.”

Guilt panged in Kylo’s chest. That was probably partly his fault. Though he _had_ offered several times to give her better accommodations while she’d been imprisoned.

Still…

“Go ahead and go. I’ll finish up here.”

She frowned, suddenly suspicious. “Go? Now?”

Kylo tamped down his annoyance, but couldn’t manage to keep from rolling his eyes.

“I’m not going to peek. _Go._ I’ll have camp waiting when you get back.”

He _swore_ he saw her smile, the first genuine smile he’d ever seen on her face. But it went as fast as it came. “I’ll be quick about it.” She picked up her bag off the ground and fished a tiny square of cloth from it, “I’ll wash my clothes while I’m there, scout around. Then, when I get back, it’s _your_ turn.”

She wrinkled her nose to make it clear she was implying he smelled. He offered a half-hearted glare before turning back to his area of camp, waving her away. He heard her turn around and start off in the direction of the river.

* * *

Rey may have put up something akin to a fight back at camp, but the reality was that she was willing to do anything to get away. Being around Kylo Ren every hour of the day was making her acutely aware of how _human_ he was. It seemed like everything he did only made him less of a monster, less of a shell. For some reason, Rey didn’t want to see him that way. It made it harder for her to hate him. And that’s what scared her most of all. She _needed_ to hate him. After all he’d done, he deserved nothing less.

But she could only stand silence for so long. She had to talk eventually if they were going to be spending that much time in each other’s company. After they’d left Beheboth, she’d cracked a little. She wouldn’t be pouring her heart out anytime soon, but she’d at least engage in broad-topic conversation. It had been awkward at first, and it still was, sometimes, but he was better company than no one.

Rey sighed. She still didn’t trust him. Not at all. But she was trying to start. He seemed to be sticking to their agreement so far, so she figured she could at least manage that in return.

He’d also told her there was a river out here somewhere, but Rey had yet to find it. She crunched along in the underbrush, listening for the sound of water rushing over rocks. She’d scanned every square centimeter of land near her for the past ten minutes. There didn’t seem to be water anywhere.

She growled, smacking a low-hanging limb out of her path. Of course he’d send her on a wild chase. When she returned to camp, he’d either be laughing at her and her gullibility or gone without a trace. How _stupid_ of her.

She whirled to run back to camp, hoping against hope that she hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of her life. Already, she had plenty of things she’d say. Forget being silent, she’d never let him hear the end of _this._ How could she have been so quick to believe him? And _now,_ of all times. This is what he’d been waiting for, for her to make a mistake like this so he-

Something glinted, catching her eye as she turned. Curious, she squinted, following the direction of the light. The trees were thicker this way, harder to see through, but she continued to walk in the direction of the gleam, glimpsing more of them as she went. Finally, she broke through the last line of trees. A narrow river sprawled in front of her, the water sparkling in the sunlight.

He’d been telling the truth.

She raced toward the water, laughing, already pulling off her outer layers of clothing. After what felt like ages, she’d be able to wash all the blood and dirt and sweat from her hair. Already, she could feel the cool reprieve the water would offer. It looked so inviting. So safe.

When she’d laid out everything but her undershirt and pants, she pulled off her boots and waded into the water, near tears. It was sad, really, how much comfort being clean offered her, but it was something. It was relatively normal, and normal was a luxury she hadn’t had the privilege of recently.

She sat on the riverbank to strip down to her undergarments; she would leave those on. It was better to be safe than sorry. She took a deep breath, ready to jump in. Then, she realized she’d forgotten something to dry off with. She scoffed at herself, crawling out of the water to head back to the camp.

It took her several steps to remember she wasn’t clothed.

Rey stood frozen for a moment. Though there was no one else around, a flush rose to her cheeks as she spun back to the river.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

She yanked her shirt back on over her head, cringing at the grubbiness of it. It plastered itself to her torso as she fumbled for her pants. They were just as bad as her shirt. While she was able to force one leg in without too much trouble, she had to resort to hopping around to get the other foot in.

“Come on,” she groaned. “Come _on.”_

Then she lost her footing. The world turned on its head as she crashed into the river, fully clothed. It was craggy at the bottom and her head collided with one of the sharp rocks. Water filled her nose and throat when she cried out, causing her to panic. The currents thrust her back and forth, tumbling head over heels underwater. Everything was moving so fast. She couldn’t find her way up, wasn’t sure how to discern it from down or sideways. Her legs tangled in her pants keeping her from feeling her way around with her feet. The longer she was underwater, the heavier she felt. There was something, a weight, pressing on her chest, squeezing what little air she had out of her lungs, making it harder for her to struggle. She straightened, hoping her feet would brush the bottom, but even at her full height, she couldn’t feel anything. Then she realized she’d meandered all the way to the middle of the river. It was too deep for her to touch, and she could feel herself losing consciousness even now. Fear squeezed more air from her lungs as she thrashed about in vain to get her head above water.

She’d never been a very good swimmer. No one was around to save her. If she could’ve cried, she would have.

She was going to die.

* * *

Kylo paused in the middle of spreading out his bedroll. Something had pricked his subconscious, alerting him to some sort of danger. Danger he couldn’t otherwise perceive.

Panic had settled in his bones, but only an echo of it. It wasn’t debilitating. It was a bland version of panic. However, it quickly morphed into something much more potent.

_Rey._

He shot to his feet and raced toward the ship to retrieve his lightsaber. He wasn’t sure of the circumstances, but the thrum of anxious energy was only becoming more insistent, more urgent. If he could deem any situation an emergency, it would be this one. He’d have time to explain how he’d found them when they weren’t fighting for their lives, and if she had the audacity to be angry with him for coming to her aid, he’d give up altogether.

But when he reached his hiding place, he couldn’t find his lightsaber anywhere. He checked all other potential hiding places near there, just to be sure he hadn’t remembered wrong. They were gone. She must have re-hidden them, and he didn’t have the time to find them. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, but he didn’t have time to be angry. The panic was slowly morphing into something more dire, and he wasn’t sure he was just imagining that it was getting harder for him to breathe.

He turned and ran down the ramp of the ship, his stomach churning as he headed in the direction of the river.

‘Please don’t let her be dead,’ he thought. ‘Please don’t let her be dead.’

It didn’t occur to him until he’d been running for a short while that maybe she’d strayed off the path, and hopelessness strangled him as he thought of all the other places she could be. But he ducked his head and continued on, forcing himself to believe that she’d be where he’d sent her.

He heard the frantic movement of the water before he saw it. Heart in his throat, he barreled through the trees. Someone struggled in the water, the disturbance moving further and further away from the shore. It was Rey. It _had_ to be. Her signature pulsed like a heartbeat, originating in the center of the ripples.

It took him a beat to recognize what was happening.

_She was drowning._

Suddenly, the water bubbled, and then there was nothing. It was still.

_“Rey!”_

He sprinted to the edge of the water, heedless of his clothes, and dove under as soon as he was far enough in that he wouldn’t hit his head against the bottom.

She was sinking, limp as a doll, to the bottom. He propelled himself forward, briefly grateful that she was at least _mostly_ clothed. If that hadn’t been the case, this would’ve been quite an awkward thing to discuss later.

If she even made it to then.

The very thought terrified him, and he forced himself to go faster.

_Hang on, Rey._

The weight of all his clothes dragged him back, but in his desperation, he managed to make it to Rey before having to go up again for air. He hooked an arm around her waist and pulled, pushing off of the bottom to thrust them upward. Their heads broke the surface of the water just as his vision began to go fuzzy and he gasped for air, inhaling small amounts of water along with it. The combined weight of the two of them made his arms and legs burn with the effort of keeping them both above water, but he managed to fight his way to dry land. When he managed to gain his footing, he hoisted her up out of the river and carried her to shore, coughing up water as he went. He hardly noticed his condition.

Rey wasn’t breathing.

Swallowing a panicked shout, he gently set her down, reaching through the Force to find her. Her signature was faint, at best, and fading fast.

“Don’t do this, Rey,” he muttered, more to himself than to her. “Come on; you’re stronger than this.”

In denial, he checked for a pulse. He couldn’t find one. Gelid terror roared through his veins, turning his blood to ice.

“Chest compressions,” he whispered. “Get the water out of her lungs.”

It had been a long while since he’d undergone resuscitation training, but he could remember most of it. Hopefully, it would be enough.

Thirty compressions. He had to force himself to press as hard as was necessary - he could heal her later.

_Twenty-seven…_

_Twenty-eight…_

_Twenty-nine…_

Nothing changed. She didn’t jolt to life, didn’t cough up all the water weighing down her lungs. Without hesitating a moment - though when he thought about it later, he wasn’t sure how - he tilted her head back and gripped her chin. He brought his mouth down to cover hers and forced air into her lungs. One breath, two. Then back to chest compressions. He repeated the process three times and felt the smallest tendrils of fear wrapping themselves around him when still nothing changed. Nothing improved.

“Come on, Rey, breathe,” he pleaded.

One more round of compressions.

“Rey, please!”

Two more breaths.

“Please, Rey, breathe for me. _Breathe,_ Rey!”

She was still. No movement, not even a twitch. He should’ve come faster. He shouldn’t have even mentioned the river.

“Breathe!” he shouted. “Breathe, damn it! Come on!”

He was too late.

“Rey!”

She’d been added to the list. Another death on his hands.

_“Breathe!”_

Desperate, he took her by the shoulders and shook her. Why? He wasn’t sure. It wouldn’t do anything. Maybe some part of him hoped he could jostle the life back into her. She couldn’t die. Not just like that. Not over something like this.

And then, by some miracle, her eyes flew open. She coughed in his face, water spewing into his eyes and hair, but Kylo beamed as relief crashed over him in waves.

“Rey.”

He rolled her onto her side where she coughed and spluttered and gagged until she could breathe.

“Does it feel like I broke anything?”

“It hurts,” she groaned, her voice craggy and waterlogged, “but I think I’ll be fine.”

Kylo nodded. “Good. Here, sit up.”

He pulled her to a sitting position and let her take a breath. She pulled her knees to her chest. Kylo noticed her hands shaking. “What happened?”

He swallowed. “You - you almost...drowned.”

He was surprised by how small his voice was. After a beat, Rey turned to stare at him. “You saved me?”

Even though it was clear that it could’ve been no one else, she looked skeptical. Kylo tried not to be offended. She _had_ just almost died; he figured he should allow for a bit of her attitude. He just wished she’d be grateful instead of suspicious.

“Yes. Yes, I did.”

She turned her attention back to the water, her eyes wide, glazed over. Kylo chanced putting a hand on her shoulder. “Are you going to be okay?”

Her breath shortened and she wrenched herself out from under his hand. “I’m fine,” she huffed, raising herself to shaky legs.

She realized her state of dress - or, rather, her state of _undress_ \- at about the same time he did. Flushed, she hunched over on herself, and Kylo had the decency to look away.

He’d just saved her life. _He’d done the right thing._ So why did he feel like this had been such a huge mistake?

“Let’s just go,” she finally said.

Kylo turned and watched her hobble back to the water to retrieve her now soaked and torn trousers and wring them out. Then she grabbed her other things and stalked off in the direction of camp without so much as a backward glance.

Kylo swallowed his annoyance before getting up to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo much happening in this chapter, oh my goodness!
> 
> I hope to hear what you guys think! I want the next chapter to come sometime soon, but I won't have much time to write in the next couple of weeks, so we'll just have to see.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! See you next time!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was silent at their campsite. Almost painfully so. Neither of them had the words to say. Rey knew she should. After all, he had just saved her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I said I wouldn't have time to write, but I have completely surpassed all my expectations and cranked out a chapter in two days. Honestly, I'm speechless in the face of my own crazed writing frenzy. Although, to be fair, I had this chapter pretty much completely drafted already. 
> 
> But, here's your second chapter in a week! I hope you love reading it as much as I loved writing it!

It was silent at their campsite. Almost painfully so. Neither of them had the words to say. Rey knew  _ she _ should. After all, he  _ had  _ just saved her life.

She watched him as he added more wood to their growing fire in an attempt to make it bigger. Even though logically he had to be telling the truth, she still found it hard to believe he’d actually done it. He’d saved her. This made her think more than ever that maybe he’d been telling the truth the whole time. 

He’d given her her cloak when they’d arrived back at camp and she’d used it to towel off. Then, she’d wrapped herself in it and hung her soaking clothes out to dry. It was uncomfortable, but the sun kept her warm. However, when darkness came, cold came with it. She’d pulled her damp clothes from the tree where she’d hung them, for damp clothes and a damp cloak were better than nothing at all. Then Kylo had surprised her again. Wordlessly, he pulled her cloak from around her shoulders and placed his own there. He hadn’t even given her the opportunity to protest before he’d walked off. Now, she sat curled up by the fire, huddled underneath Kylo’s tent of a cloak, almost completely dry. Meanwhile, he was still almost soaking wet and now without a cloak.

Rey didn’t know whether she should feel guilty or annoyed. 

He was colder than he was letting on. She caught him hovering around the fire longer than necessary when he thought she wasn’t looking. His hands were shaky, she heard him sniffling. He was going to get sick.

“You should sit down.”

It came out harder than she’d expected. Apparently, she’d decided to feel guilty  _ and  _ annoyed.

Her words took him by surprise, but after a brief pause, he shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“Are you kidding me? Kylo, sit down. I can do that. I’ve kept a fire going before.”

She stood up, dusting herself off to accentuate her point. When he didn’t say anything, she followed him to the woodpile, bending over to help him lift a particularly large log. 

“No, Rey.”

He didn’t even look up to meet her eyes. His voice was soft, though. He wasn’t angry. 

“Why do you think I’m incapable?”

A pause.

“I don’t.”

She huffed. “Kylo, look at me.”

He did.

“What is wrong with you? I’m almost completely dry, I’m warm enough, and I’m wearing all of my clothes and some of  _ yours.  _ Why do you still have to be the one who makes the fire and cleans up my mess and-”

“Because I’m not the one who almost died today.”

Something about the tone of his voice forced her eyes up to his. There was something there she wasn’t sure she’d seen before. Almost like fear, but sharper. 

He looked away after a moment, and he was a little too determined not to meet her eyes again. He’d caught on to her method of reading him, and there was something he didn’t want her to see.

“Please, just go. I’ll be okay.”

He turned back to the woodpile. She shrugged his cloak off, holding it toward him. “Will you at least take this?”

“No. You need it.”

Rey grit her teeth. There was something he wasn’t telling her, something important. She knew- no, she could  _ feel  _ it. This connection of theirs was flaring with something she couldn’t identify, and it was coming from his end. 

“Will you just say it?”

A frown twisted his features. “What?”

“Whatever it is that you aren’t saying. Will you just tell me? I don’t like playing this game, and I can tell you’re getting sick of it, too.”

His face fell into an impassive stare. “I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

“That is a shipload of bantha fodder, and you and I both know it.”

He froze. It was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, and Rey wondered if maybe she’d crossed a line. She desperately wished she could go back. 

“Don’t act like you know me,” he whispered finally, still refusing to meet her eyes. “Like you can read me like an open book just because of this bond. You can’t pretend you care less than nothing about me for days and then suddenly decide I might be interesting.  _ That  _ is a game I don’t want to play. I was in it for years, and I’m not going back to it now.”

Rey was sure she’d never been more indignant in her life. “What a lovely excuse. Blame it on a past I’ll never know about and then I’ll feel bad and stop asking questions. That’s how it usually goes, right?”

Kylo whirled on her, and this time Rey  _ knew  _ she’d crossed a line. 

“You really want to know everything about me? You want to know everything I haven’t already told you?”

Coming from him, the words sounded almost like a threat. But she’d started this; she would be a coward to back down now. She narrowed her eyes. “Yes.”

Something changed in his eyes. She watched it as it happened. His entire body tensed up, he took a deep breath, then their bond flew open like it never had before. Waves of pain and terror and confusion and sadness ripped through it. It was so startling that Rey gasped, tensing up herself. She stumbled back, horrifying images of death and destruction flashing through her head. Screaming filled her ears. Villages burning, planets exploding, executions carried out mercilessly. Memory after terrifying memory, they whirled through her head, sucking all the air from her lungs. Buzzing filled her ears to match the screams. She felt herself lose her balance, but she was too busy trying not to drown in her - or rather,  _ his  _ \- thoughts to care much about it.

The images changed, and now she saw numerous different images of Snoke, phantoms of agonizing pain shooting through her entire body. The screams changed too. Now instead of a chorus of thousands, it was one. One that was decidedly male. Decidedly Kylo’s. He’d been tortured. In a myriad of ways, too. Mental and physical pain that was now displayed here for her to see. Then the memories shifted again. Teasing from groups of children then teenagers, then jeers from young adults joined the mix. Humiliation, horrifying thoughts, nightmares he would wake up from in a cold sweat. Then suddenly his father, Han, talking quietly. Talking to Leia. 

_ I don’t know how your kind works, Leia! How  _ he _ works! _

_ I love him, Leia. But why couldn’t he have been born like me? _

And Leia talking to him, cooing softly in his ear to calm him down after a nightmare or a run-in with another child, only to be called away before he could completely recover. 

Pain, longing, loneliness,  _ loss. _

The last image that played in her head played over and over. It was one that she saw in  _ her _ nightmares, too. Pain was something she felt when this memory resurfaced, but not guilt. Not like this. It was like she was drowning in it, unable to move or breathe because of how thick it was. 

She felt Han move his hand up to the side of her -  _ Kylo’s _ \- face. She watched the love in his eyes stay as the life faded away, and then suddenly he was falling off the side of the bridge, plummeting into the abyss below. She heard herself screaming, Finn shouting along with her. Chewie howling in the background. Her scream seemed to echo the loudest, however, and suddenly she saw herself, tears streaming down her face, a blaster held in her hand. Another emotion tore through her then; remorse. She heard her name being called, time and again, echoing in the back of her mind, but still, Han’s death played in her head, over and over and over. 

The dark inside of Starkiller melted away and Kylo materialized above her, his eyes wide. Her ears rang and her vision was splotchy, but she could read the word on his lips.

_ Rey. Rey. Rey. _

Then she could hear it, too. Her name, repeated over and over. Everything flew back into focus all at once and she sucked down air, sitting up so fast that she and Kylo almost bumped heads. 

_ “Kriff,  _ Rey!”

“I...do you…”

She wasn’t sure what to say. Should she apologize? What she’d just seen...she couldn’t-

“Are you all right?”

His eyes scanned her face, still the size of dinner plates

“Do you see that all the time?” she whispered. 

He stared at her, his mouth agape. It was clear he was trying to form a response, but he abandoned his efforts, shaking his head. “You scared the  _ hell  _ out of me, Rey.”

He sat back on his knees, clearly ready to make it to his feet, but Rey needed answers. She reached out and yanked him forward by the front of his shirt. “Kylo Ren,  _ what was that?” _

He swallowed, looking her right in the eyes. There was nothing for him to hide anymore.

“What you wanted.”

It was her turn to stare now, as she processed what he’d said. That had been the past that she’d been sure she’d never know. It had been the deepest moments of his pain, put on display for her. 

She had the awful sense that she’d just forced herself somewhere she didn’t deserve to be. 

“Kylo, I-”

“Don’t,” he said. “Don’t make it worse.”

Suddenly aware of how close they were, she let him go. He sat back on his heels, taking a deep breath through his nose. “Are you okay?”

It was clear he was finished with this subject. She nodded. “I’m fine.”

But if she were being honest, she felt...different. Not in a bad way. Not at all. It was like she’d found something new about herself in finding something about him. She felt more complete.

Then it occurred to her: the itch that Kylo had been in the back of her mind was now more than just that. She was completely and totally aware of him. She felt his every sore muscle, his every cut and scratch as if they were hers. Exhaustion settled over her in waves, and it wasn’t just her own. There was a difference between his feelings and hers, enough for her to make a distinction, but she felt them more powerfully now than she ever had before. 

Then, almost as soon as she acknowledged them, they began to fade away.

She frowned. “Kylo, stop.”

The draining sensation halted. “Stop what?”

She knew he was playing stupid. There was no way he hadn’t sensed what she had by now.

“Can’t you feel it? You’re shutting yourself off.  _ I  _ can feel it.”

“I don’t feel anything.”

“That’s a lie.”

He averted his gaze. It was silent for a moment. Then, so softly that she almost didn’t hear, “It’s better this way.”

Rey couldn’t believe it. They’d just found the extent of what their connection could do, and now he was going to take it away again? Just like that?

When he got up and walked away, Rey followed. “Kylo, please. Can’t we at least agree to open up slowly? Maybe not all at once, not like that, but-”

“Weren’t you the one who was sickened by the thought of being attached to me? And now you want this attachment flung open?”

She had to admit, she’d had a rather rapid change of heart. But she’d never felt so whole in her entire life. To bottle that up felt wrong. More wrong than she’d feel leaving it open.

“Didn’t you get the feeling that was the way things are supposed to be?”

The surprise on Kylo’s face told her all she needed to know. But just like before, he became impassive. This time, he wouldn’t be so easily changed.

“You’re not ready.  _ I’m  _ not ready. I - I didn’t mean for…but it just-”

He stopped and shook his head, but he didn’t need to finish.

“You didn’t want me to see all of that, did you?”

“No.”

She didn’t know what to say to that. He saved her from having to say anything at all when he continued. 

“I couldn’t stop. I only meant to give you some things. Some  _ small  _ things. But then suddenly you knew everything...you could  _ see  _ everything and you were…”

His breathing had become slightly irregular. He was tense as if he were waiting for something to happen. Rey took a step toward him.

“I was what?”

“Screaming.” He turned to face her, staring at her as if she were a ghost. “And thrashing. You fell to the ground and convulsed. I thought you were having a seizure. I thought...I thought maybe you were dying because I’d done something I couldn’t understand, couldn’t control. Something I couldn’t stop. I thought-”

He stopped short, pulled himself together. 

“We’re not ready to share the burden of this... _ thing.  _ Maybe someday, but not now. Okay? Let’s just leave it, for the time being. I’ve watched you almost die twice today. Until we know more about it, I don’t want to risk either of our lives trying to figure it out.”

“But Kylo, I-”

“Rey. No. I won’t go through all of  _ this,”  _ he gestured to the area around them, “just to watch you die. I won’t. I don’t want you to have to bear my load as well as yours. I’m trying to be better. To help people. Saving you is how I’ll start.”

Rey’s eyes narrowed. “Saving me from what?”

“From me.”

He spun around and stalked off before she could say anything else. She was too stunned to say anything, anyway. 

He needed to save her from him? Had she not just seen everything there was to see? What more could he possibly have to protect her from?

When she looked up, he’d walked so far away from camp that she almost couldn’t see him anymore. “Kylo? Where are you going?”

“Firewood,” he called over his shoulder. 

He didn’t even bother to stop. But in spite of how he was acting now, she was starting to wonder if maybe there was a whole other side to him. One that she was only just now starting to see. 

“Thank you, Kylo,” she whispered. “For saving me.”

Though he should never have been able to hear her, she could’ve sworn that his steps faltered  _ ever  _ so slightly. 

* * *

Maz would be lying if she said she didn’t love her job sometimes. 

Yes, sometimes she wanted to throttle half of the people she served, but other times, they provided entertainment. Like now. 

A tipsy Ahak Maharr was seated at the bar only a few stools away from where she was wiping glasses, and he’d been telling tales all afternoon. His slightly-more-sober companions of varied species and tongue clearly didn’t believe a word he was saying and neither did Maz, but they all enjoyed the stories just the same. He’d just finished a story about how he’d bested three Falleen in a bar fight one-handed. Maz almost didn’t hear one of them over the laughter of the group. 

“Oy, Kuro! Tell ‘em abou’ the Force users you saw at your stand!”

The group roared in new laughter, but Maz’s hand tightened around her glass.

“Force users?” a younger member of the posse - an Arhan teenager - asked, eyes wide. “They’re a rare sight!”

“I do not know for sure that they were  _ actual _ Force'rs, Narcan,” Kuro drawled in the direction of the one who’d suggested the story. “But the lady was  _ very  _ pretty.”

Narcan snorted. “Aw, Kuro, ‘er boyfriend woulda knocked you flat before you could say  _ ‘ello.” _

“I am not so sure they were together like that. They seemed at odds.”

“You  _ ‘oped  _ they were at odds, you mean. So you could swoop in‘ere and steal the girl.”

Maz leaned closer to the men, but she kept her eyes trained on her work, determined to listen as inconspicuously as possible. The storyteller, Kuro, waved his hands to grab their attention. As if he didn’t already have it. “I swear! They bickered like children for as long as I was around them.”

Then, as if he were finished, he sat back on the stool and took a long swing of his drink. 

The Arhan boy fidgeted as if he was going to burst. “Are you gonna tell the whole story?”

“Patience, Teo, patience!” Kuro waved his hands again, dismissively this time. “There is not much to tell. I was at my stand and the two of them walked up together, hoods covering their faces. The lady smiled at me and asked for a ship and a few credits to trade for the one they had. She drove a hard bargain, that one.”

“Oh, I’m  _ sure,”  _ Narcan snickered.

Teo whacked the human on the back of the head. “Can it, Narcan.”

“Yes, Narcan, shut it. I am just getting to the best part. When they were looking around, the tall one - silent, brooding...you know the type - twitched his hand and anyone looking their way spun as if they had been punched.”

The others began to protest, chuckling their disbelief, but he waved his hands again. “I saw it!” he insisted. “I did! I was not sure either, but then the lady walked very close and told him to be careful.”

By now, all the men were once again listening with rapt attention. Maz’s curiosity had dragged her closer to them and their conversation without ever asking her permission.

“And then he turned to her, and that's when I saw it: the man looked just like holos I have seen of Snoke’s pet Force'r, scar and all.”

This time, the uproarious laughter was cut off by Maz throwing herself over the counter. Her face was mere centimeters from the Ahak Maharr’s. 

“You saw Kylo Ren?”

Kuro swallowed. “I - I cannot be sure, I-”

“When? How long ago did you see him?”

Every person in the place had turned to stare at the small group at the counter. 

“I was just there last week, ma’am.”

Maz scooted back off the counter. She walked off, too deep in thought to thank him and apologize for scaring him. Maz had caused a scene, but she didn't care. This was exactly the reason Leia had sent her back here. He’d had information about her son and the girl, and Maz needed as much of it as she could get. Finn needed to know Rey wasn’t dead. Leia needed to know her son wasn’t dead.

“Oy,” mumbled Narcan under his breath, “do you fink maybe that’s why the Order’s got so many people there now?”

Yes, this was definitely vital information to share.

* * *

When Kylo finally trudged back to camp, he was almost dry and his racing heart had calmed to a normal pace. It was silent, he noticed, and he glanced around camp, checking to be sure she was there. She was. He let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Rey was sitting in front of a still-steady fire, observing something she held in her hands. He saw that she’d relented and tied his cloak back around her shoulders. Apparently, she needed it more than she wanted him to know. 

His search for firewood had been successful, and he dropped the armful he carried with the rest of it. Then he padded across the campsite, careful to remain quiet so he didn’t scare Rey. 

She looked up at him as he came around to sit across from her. Kylo’s heart jumped when he saw that it was his grandfather’s lightsaber she was holding. Before he could stop it, bitterness and resentment welled up in his chest, but he stomped it down. 

It wasn’t  _ her  _ fault she’d been chosen over him. It wasn’t  _ her  _ fault that he’d been such a screw-up he couldn’t inherit the family legacy. All that blame fell to him. 

Rey must’ve seen the change in his face because she pulled the lightsaber under the cloak to hide it. “You were gone awhile.”

“I wanted to make sure we had enough wood to last us a couple days.”

He sat down across from her, the fire between the two of them. Even through the haze the fire cast over her face, Kylo could tell she was watching him to see how he’d react. 

“I’ve been thinking,” she said. “I’m not sure anyone needs to keep watch tonight. We’re covered so well out here, and there isn’t really anyone around-”

“Can I hold it?”

Immediately, he felt himself blanch. No, of  _ course  _ he couldn’t touch it. He couldn’t have his  _ own  _ weapon, much less someone else’s.  _ Hers.  _ Rey stared at him like he had three heads, and he averted his gaze. 

“That was a dumb question,” he mumbled. “Don’t even answer. I don’t know what I was thinking-”

He was interrupted when the lightsaber landed in his lap. His hands went to the air in an instant, like if he touched the weapon, it’d burn him. 

“I have yours nearby if I need it,” she mumbled when he turned a wide-eyed stare her way.

When he was sure he wasn’t walking into a trap, Kylo gingerly picked up the lightsaber, handling it as if it were an infant. He’d never seen it up close before, only heard about it in stories, seen it in old holos. Then, later on, he’d seen it in the hands of the Stormtrooper - no,  _ Finn  _ \- and, of course, Rey. It was lighter than his, both in color and weight, and it felt much... _ neater.  _ More precise. He let his thumb skip over the black ridges at the bottom. 

“Do you know the story?”

He jumped at her voice, quiet as it was. When he looked up to meet her eyes, she’d looked away. Even in the faint light, he could see the flush on her cheeks. 

“It’s the only story Luke would never tell. Well, that and-”

Her eyes went wide and it looked like she choked on the words she’d been about to say. She tried to pass it off as a cough. 

It took him a moment to piece together what she’d been about to say, but when he did, he couldn’t help his soft, “Oh.”

Rey sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit at it. “I’m sorry,” she said. “You don’t have to tell me. You’ve told me enough today.”

“No,” he sighed. “No, it’s okay. I don’t know much about it; I’ve never been told the whole story, either. But I’ll tell you what I can.” He took a deep breath, “I found out in...not the most preferable way.”

His hands tightened around his lightsaber, and the forest melted away. He wasn’t there anymore, but in a crowded mess hall, all eyes on him. 

“I was at Skywalker’s academy when my mother was outed as Darth Vader’s daughter. I felt so betrayed. Like I’d been lied to my entire life. And even after I’d found out, no one would explain everything. I went to Luke, but he insisted I should hear it from my mother, even though he knew as well as I that she’d be too busy trying to clean up the mess to explain anything to me.”

He was startled at how cold his voice had become, but he couldn’t find it in himself to force softness.

“I was in my twenties. An adult, more or less, and never had it occurred to my mother that maybe I should know something that important. I was furious. And then…” He swallowed. “Well, look what I became. Who I am.”

He was back in the forest, now, sitting across from Rey. She stared at him, her eyes boring holes in his face as she listened. He felt himself flush and she seemed to notice. He cleared his throat. “That’s not the story you asked for.” 

After a moment of thought, he opened his mouth to begin again, but Rey stopped him. “Kylo. Don’t worry about it. We can talk about it later.”

Kylo frowned. “But you-”

She held up a hand. “You’ve told me a lot today. I don’t want you to say anything more than you want to.”

Something told him she wasn’t just stopping him for his benefit. His past was certainly a burden. She couldn’t handle any more of it right now. 

Another beat of silence and Rey shifted to stand, shrugging his cloak off. 

“Thank you,” she said, placing it in his lap. 

She walked off in the direction of her pallet. Kylo turned back to the fire, and it was only a moment later that the weight in his hand meant anything. 

“Rey!”

She whirled around. He held the lightsaber out toward her. 

“You forgot this.”

She narrowed her eyes and for a moment, Kylo was worried she was angry. She’d noticed how long it had taken him to warn her and she’d seen it as hesitation to give it back. He’d failed a test. 

But then she spun around and continued to walk toward her corner of camp. 

“Rey?”

She picked up her small bag, rifled through it. Then she found whatever it was she was looking for, and she stood up to move back toward him, the thing held in her hand. Kylo’s brow furrowed as he tried to make it out in the faint light of what was left of their fire.

She held it out to him. “Take it.”

His eyes widened.  _ It was his lightsaber.  _

“What?”

_ “Take it.” _

He gaped at her. There was no way, after all the fight she’d put up to take it away, that she was just going to  _ give it back.  _ Just like that. 

“For goodness’  _ sake,  _ Kylo.” 

She rolled her eyes and pulled his hand out, her lightsaber clutched in it. She yanked her lightsaber out and shoved it into her back pocket, then she smacked his lightsaber into his hands, pushing it back towards him.  _ “Take the damn saber.” _

“Rey, I-”

“Don’t say anything to make me regret this, please.”

His mouth snapped shut. She whirled and stalked away, leaving Kylo to wonder what kind of one-eighty turn they’d done in just the past day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case there was confusion: Force'r is the shortened version of 'Force user'. I felt like drunken smugglers and traders would be too lazy to use the full term. Sorry if that was hard to understand.
> 
> This will almost definitely be the last chapter for at least a week, I promise this time. Lol. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your readership! Comments and kudos are loved and appreciated! Until next chapter!


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey almost couldn’t believe how much she and Kylo had grown in the past two days. They got along with each other unbelievably well, considering how well they’d been getting along not a week before. She didn’t trust him, necessarily. Not as much as she trusted Finn and Leia, but she no longer got a sick feeling in her stomach when Kylo wasn’t in her direct line of sight, and she’d actually given him responsibilities. She let him do ship maintenance when necessary, and let him near the food stores without her watching over his shoulder.
> 
> A little bit at a time, she was starting to see the man Leia must have thought of when she heard the name Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been such a long time since I've posted, but I've been super busy. Finals are this week and I should probably be studying a little bit more, but I wrote instead. My updating schedule should be normal-ish again soon. So sorry for the long wait!
> 
> Enjoy!

Rey almost couldn’t believe how much she and Kylo had grown in the past two days. They got along with each other unbelievably well, considering how well they’d been getting along not a week before. She didn’t  _ trust  _ him, necessarily. Not as much as she trusted Finn and Leia, but she no longer got a sick feeling in her stomach when Kylo wasn’t in her direct line of sight, and she’d actually given him responsibilities. She let him do ship maintenance when necessary, and let him near the food stores without her watching over his shoulder. 

A little bit at a time, she was starting to see the man Leia must have thought of when she heard the name Ben Solo. 

Quiet. Unsure. Reserved as though he thought that nothing he had to say was important, most of the time. He did still talk, still engaged in their usual banter, but he only weighed in on decisions when Rey explicitly requested it. He never really smiled. Not big enough for it to reach his eyes. And his wisecracks were always cynical. But Rey knew he wasn’t trying to kill her, and he was serious about leaving the Order behind. 

She hadn’t plucked up the courage to talk about what happened after this planet. Whether he thought it was safe enough to go home or not. Part of her didn’t want to know. Part of her  _ needed  _ to. But she wasn’t sure what she would do if he said no. Was even less sure what she would do if he said  _ yes.  _ Everything would change when they went back. She might even lose what little progress she’d made with him, and the Resistance would never have his help taking down the Order, which is what they most desperately needed. He’d never brought it up either, leading Rey to believe that he either wasn’t sure himself, or he was just as afraid of the answer as she was. But if he wouldn’t press it, neither would she. 

She wondered, though, if he was waiting to share the answer until she asked for it. He’d been distant since he’d shown her everything in his head, and now he waited for her direct orders before he did much of anything. She felt guilty any time she thought about it. Even though it had been far from her fault, she felt like she’d overstepped, like she’d stuck her nose where it didn’t belong. Now, she knew much more about him than maybe he ever had known about her, even with the digging around in her head he’d done not too long ago. Was it fair to him that she had such an advantage? Maybe not. But it was at least good for her. Right?

“Hey.”

Rey started, whirling around. Kylo’s ears flushed and he backed away. “Sorry to scare you.”

“No, no, no, you didn’t. I’m fine. I was just...thinking.”

“About what?”

Should she bring it up? Would it be worth it to even try? What if it started another argument? They’d only just recently gotten to a place where they could be civil, and she’d hate it if she started another round of fighting. 

“Nothing. Everything. Anything at all.”

He nodded. “Oh.”

Rey attempted a smile as they both shifted their weight. This unease had also trailed in after Kylo’s oversharing, and there didn’t seem to be anything they could do to get rid of it. If they weren’t at each other’s throats, what were they supposed to talk about? If they weren’t busy avoiding each other and planning their next move, what did they do with their time?

Kylo cleared his throat and Rey looked up to see him holding a large piece of clothing out to her. “I just...wanted to tell you I fixed a hole I found in your cloak.”

This time, Rey’s smile was real. She pulled the fabric from his hands, rubbing her thumb over the meticulously stitched patch.

“Thank you. Where did you learn to do this?”

“I-” He swallowed. “Well, you know, I just picked it up. I guess.”

She nodded. “Okay. Well, thank you again.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

A silence fell on them again and Rey wrung the material in her hands, wishing she had something to say. She opened her mouth to ramble something - probably something stupid - but Kylo spoke before she could.

“It’s getting late. We should get some sleep.”

He turned and made his way to his corner of camp before she could respond, but she didn’t mind. He was right. Besides, sleep would be a welcome reprieve from this perpetual uncertainty. Maybe they’d get lucky tonight. Maybe they’d sleep dreamlessly and have a few hours just to themselves. Maybe they could feel normal for just a little while.

But probably not.

* * *

_ “At this point, I can’t say I’m surprised.” _

_ Kylo heard Rey chuckle at his remark and he did his best to fight back a smile. She’d really gotten to him in the past few days, try as he might to stop her. Sure, things were awkward, but she wasn’t slow to trust the words that came out of his mouth anymore. She’d started to relax, let her guard down. Kylo had to admit, he liked  _ this  _ Rey much better than the other. _

_ “Neither can I,” she said, walking to the edge of her circle. “But it’s not so bad. It definitely used to be worse.” _

_ No one could have missed the flush that crept to her cheeks.  _

_ “That didn’t sound right. I didn’t mean-” _

_ “No,” Kylo stopped her.  _

_ He sat down on the outer edge of her circle, close enough that they could see each other but far enough away that he wouldn’t touch her and set anything off. _

_ “It sounded exactly right. This entire thing used to be a whole lot worse than it is now.” _

_ She visibly deflated, the relief glowing on her features. “Oh, okay. I just...I somehow manage to say so many ridiculous things. This isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.” _

_ “That’s okay. I’ll be saying several stupid things before we eventually part ways.” _

_ Now, Kylo stiffened.  _

Stupid things like that. 

_ Rey frowned, all signs that she’d been flustered disappearing completely. “Part ways?” _

_ Her smile and cheery demeanor were gone. She wasn’t angry, not yet, but if he said the wrong thing, she’d quickly become that way.  _

_ “I meant to ask you about that.” _

_ “Kylo, what do you mean, ‘part ways’? Are you saying you thought I’d actually let you go?” _

_ He swallowed hard. “Well, no, not exactly-” _

_ “No.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Kylo, but I won’t. You have to face what you’ve done. Who you are.  _ Were.  _ What you thought you should be. I can’t let you run from that.” _

_ Kylo felt his chest tighten. This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. He was supposed to have more time, he was supposed to have phrased the question better. He couldn’t go back. He couldn’t. _

_ “You can’t expect me to run toward it.” _

_ “You don’t have to. I’m taking you there.” _

_ “Rey, all those people. Those families and friends, all those couples, my-” He caught himself, cleared his throat. “General Organa.” _

_ “Your mother.” _

_ He took a deep breath. “Yes,” he said. “My mother. I can’t go back to them. I can’t face them. I’d rather you killed me out here.” _

_ Kylo wished he could take the words back when Rey’s face fell. She looked like she wanted the floor to swallow her whole.  _

_ “You...you don’t mean that.” _

_ Her voice shook, her face was pale. Immediately, Kylo wanted to answer no. But he stopped himself.  _

_ He did. He meant all of it. There was no way he could face all those people, that he could look them in the eye and tell them what he did and then ask to be forgiven. He wouldn’t be able to handle seeing that pain, that suffering only thinly masked by the pride and courage they wore like medals. And his mother. He’d never be able to speak to her again. Not after what he’d done to her, to their family. He’d destroyed their only chance at ever being whole again.  _

_ He’d have to listen to their calls for his execution, maybe even have to live through a few attempts at his murder, only to die in the end regardless because of his crimes. If he went back to the Resistance, he was going to die, anyway. It would be better, less painful, if he died out here, instead.  _

_ But that wasn’t what Rey wanted for him. And honestly, he wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted for himself, anymore, either. Maybe it  _ was  _ better if he went back and atoned for what he’d done. Then he’d at least be able to die knowing he’d tried to make things better. _

_ “No,” he whispered. “I guess I don’t.” _

_ Rey seemed to relax. But now, the awkward silence had been replaced by a tense one. And the tension wasn’t the same as it had been before. It made him feel sick to his stomach. _

_ “I promise I’m not going to ask you to do that, Rey.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ She didn’t sound sure. Kylo lay back, feigning exhaustion as an excuse for his silence.  _

_ “Kylo, I-” _

_ “Rey, don’t. I’m sorry. I knew you letting me go would be a long shot. I didn’t mean to make you upset.” _

_ Kylo knew full well that he’d just thrown his only chance of getting away out the door because of his carelessness. He’d just made his dumbest mistake since they’d left Snoke, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to fix this one.  _

_ Now, it was either a lifetime in prison, or death. _

* * *

_ Of course he would’ve asked for this. Rey should have seen it coming from a mile away. With a future like his, living in the slums or on a dust planet like Jakku probably seemed the better alternative. Trying to bargain his way out of his predicament had probably been number one on his to-do list since they’d escaped from Snoke, and she should have been prepared for when he tried.  _

_ Was that why he’d saved her? Why he’d gone so far with his ‘good guy’ act? Had she been right - had this been a ruse this entire time - and now that she’d finally fallen for it, he’d gone for the throat?  _

_ For a moment, she was angry. She’d trusted him; a stupid decision on her part. And now he was going to milk it for all it was worth.  _

But if all he’d wanted was to get away, he would have let you die,  _ a part of her said.  _ He wouldn’t have tried so hard to save you. He would have left you in the river. 

_ She listened to that part of her, allowed herself to mull it over. It posed a good argument. Leaving her to drown would have been the quickest way for him to slip into the background, for him to become invisible. No one knew they were here, and no one knew he was with her. It would have been so easy.  _

_ So, no. He hadn’t been trying to butter her up for a way out. _

_ But even if he had been, could she blame him? Wouldn’t she have wanted the same thing? A chance to start over, to have a better life? Was it so wrong for him to want something like that?  _

_ She just didn’t know if she could do it. If she could lie for him. She’d have to let him go and lie to the Resistance about what had really happened. She’d have to lie to Finn, to  _ Leia.  _ And what if he didn’t stay in hiding? What if he- _

He’s not going back. He can’t start a whole new regime by himself. He would stay in hiding, and you know it. 

_ She sighed. “I’ll think about it, Kylo.” _

_ His breath caught. “About killing me?” _

_ “Oh! Sorry, no, not that.” _

_ He let out a relieved sort of chuckle. “Thank the Maker.” _

_ “I’ll think about letting you go.” _

_ She heard him sit up. His face came into view in the faint glow her circle cast. Though he was trying to hide it, hope shone in his eyes.  _

_ “You will?” _

_ She nodded. “I can’t promise I’ll decide in your favor, but I’ll consider it.” _

_ He smiled, the first  _ real, joyous  _ smile she’d ever seen him wear, and something about it sprouted a warmth in her chest. Maybe she was glad to see that grin Leia so desperately wanted on her son’s face.  _

_ “That’s more than fair.” _

_ “I’m glad you think so.” _

_ He lay back down and his face disappeared from view, but she could still hear his smile when he said, “Thank you.” _

_ Rey returned it. “You’re welcome.” _

* * *

Leia hadn’t heard from Maz in days. Usually, the older woman called daily to check in and share anything she’d heard. But she’d been eerily silent for quite awhile. While Leia was doing her best not to panic, each day of silence only made things worse. The fact that they’d tried several times to instead contact  _ her  _ without any success only exacerbated the situation. Leia was starting to get frustrated. 

Didn’t Maz know that she would only be trying to contact her if it were important? This wasn’t just some small check-in to make sure everything was okay, Leia had actual information to share, and maybe some to ask for. The whole point in Maz returning had been so she could listen for anything useful. Now that something had popped up, she seemed to have disappeared into thin air. 

Suddenly, footsteps thundered down the hall, and Leia whirled to face Poe. He was racing toward her, his eyes wide. 

“General! Maz just landed on base!”

He stopped just short of running her over, and Leia put her hands on his shoulders to steady him. 

“Maz is  _ here?” _

Poe nodded while he caught his breath. “Yes. She won’t tell anyone why. Just says she wants to talk to you.”

Leia’s heart thumped. Had she found the same footage they had? Had she heard something else? What if it was bad news? What if it was  _ good  _ news?

“Take me to her.”

Poe ran off and Leia followed. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d moved so fast, but she hardly noticed. Her attempts at keeping her expectations measured were pathetic and weak. Even without any information about the situation at all, she was having fantasies of Maz walking down the ramp of a ship with Rey and her son close behind. 

She blinked away the image. ‘Maz could be bringing the confirmation of their deaths,’ she tried to tell herself. ‘This could be something very bad. Why else would she be wary of sharing it with everyone?’

Maz’s face betrayed nothing upon their arrival. Everything was blank, a perfect mask of indifference. It was an expression that took years to master. Leia knew it well. 

“Maz.”

“We need to talk.”

Leia nodded to where Poe observed the two of them off to the side. “Poe told me as much. What is it?”

“Not here.”

Leia felt as if she were going to explode. “Maz, I’ve been trying to reach you for  _ days.  _ Can’t you tell me anything?”

_ “Not here.” _

Her face had not changed, but her voice had taken on an urgent edge. Leia wasn’t getting anything out of her until they were alone, but once they were, she was getting some pretty serious news. 

She took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Poe caught her eye as she turned, silently asking ‘What about me?’, but Leia couldn’t answer. She could barely breathe because of how tight her chest felt. 

The halls seemed to get longer the faster they walked. Why did her quarters have to be so far away from the docking bay?

“Are you sure there’s nothing you can tell me out here?”

“Not without causing a panic.”

Leia’s stomach turned an unpleasant somersault. “Bad news?”

“I never said that.”

Leia wanted to tear her hair out, but she managed to keep her hands clasped firmly in front of her. Carefully maintained self-control was the only reason she had yet to go completely crazy.

After what felt like hours, they stood outside the door to her quarters. 

“Will this do?”

Maz eyed the door. “Is there anyone else inside?”

“There shouldn’t be.”

Maz nodded and Leia ushered her inside, taking a seat on her cot. Maz said nothing, only paced the length of the room, shooting a glance at the slowly closing door every couple of seconds. Once it had closed, Leia wasted no time in starting the conversation. 

“Tell me, Maz. Please.”

Maz froze, staring at the wall opposite her. There was nothing there, but she seemed to find it fascinating. 

“Maz!”

She blinked, turning to face Leia. Her eyes twinkled, magnified by her goggles. 

“Rey is alive.”

The relief that Leia felt was immense, but still, she could feel herself holding her breath. “And?”

“Ben is, too.”

She could have cried. “How do you know?”

Maz’s smile was smug. “I heard about it from one of my regulars. Usually a pathological liar, but this time he was telling the truth. I can  _ feel  _ it.”

Though Leia clutched at it desperately, her relief ebbed. “You’re going off of a feeling?”

“When you’ve lived as long as I have, feelings might as well be official confirmation.”

Leia tried to force the skepticism out of her question. “What did he say?”

Maz walked over to a small chair in the corner, pulled it over to the bed. “Apparently, the two bought a ship off of him a little while ago. He didn’t know who Rey was, but he saw Ben. From the way he described them...Leia, it  _ has  _ to be them. And he could have lied about seeing Ben just to embellish his story, but if he doesn’t even know who Rey is, how would he be able to lie about seeing her?”

“They’re...together?”

Maz’s smile could rival the stars. “It would seem so.”

“But we don’t know that for sure. You said he could’ve lied about seeing Ben. Maybe he saw Rey, but that doesn’t mean he saw my son, too.”

_ He really could be dead. Or still with Snoke. _

She couldn’t decide which was worse. 

“But, Leia, the way he described their dynamic...it would make perfect sense.”

“Maz-”

“Leia, listen. He said they were bickering like children. I know it seems far-fetched to believe they might be together without trying to kill each other, but it’s surprising what one might do when they are forced together for survival. Even then, it’s hard to get along with someone you can’t stand. It would make sense that they argue.”

Leia still wasn’t convinced. “We weren’t there with him, Maz. We don’t know if he’s telling the truth.”

“I feel like this would be a lie too plausible for someone like him to make up on the fly.  _ Leia, I really believe both Rey and your son are alive and okay.  _ Can’t you feel them? Wouldn’t you have felt something in the Force if they had died? Wouldn’t I?”

Leia sighed. “I don’t know.”

“I speak from experience: you would. They’re both alive, and if we are to believe what I heard, they are together and well.”

Leia wanted to believe her. What did she have to lose if she did? Even if this man  _ were  _ telling a fib, who could say that they weren’t out there somewhere, alive and well? And Maz had a valid point concerning the fact that she hadn’t felt either of their deaths in the Force. 

She’d at least learn as much as possible before deciding whether or not she could believe any of this.

“So they’re okay? Ben-” she cleared her throat- “Rey’s alright?”

“It would seem. And Ben appears to be alive and well, too.”

Leia nodded, determinedly keeping her eyes away from Maz’s face. Even starting to ask had made her feel guilty. She was more concerned about her son - a murderer, a traitor, a coward - than she was for the girl who was quite possibly going to be their savior. 

Maz’s hand settled on her knee. “It’s not wrong to fear for your son, Leia.”

“Really?” Leia spat. “Even if he’s a monster?”

She felt the blood drain from her face. The words had tumbled from her mouth before she’d had the chance to completely think them. She hadn’t had the chance to stop them. 

Her eyes met Maz’s, but she quickly looked away. Maz didn’t say a word, only stared, half in disbelief, half in pity. 

“Maz, I…”

Leia was disgusted. How could she say that about her own son? How often had she batted the thought away, only to voice it now in front of the last person outside herself who still believed he’d been good once. 

“I-I didn’t mean...I can’t believe I-”

She sucked down air and dropped her head into her palms. To her surprise, her cheeks were wet with tears. For a moment, she swiped at them, desperate to wipe them away. But when would she get another chance, when would she  _ give  _ herself another chance, to cry freely? So she did. She buried her face in her arms and cried harder than she had in years. For Han, for Ben, for everyone who’d died for the cause, everyone who’d lost everything because of the First Order. She cried for herself and for Chewie, for Luke and for Finn and for Rey. She even cried for Maz who’d lost her beloved cantina because of her son. She cried until her eyes burned and her throat was raw.

Eventually, a pair of hands rubbed up and down her arms, then wrapped around her for a hug. “Rey will bring him home, Leia. If they’re together, then they’ve helped each other. He  _ must  _ have helped her escape. Don’t you see? He’s not too far gone! He could be coming home to you as we speak!”

Leia shook her head. “Don’t,” she mumbled. “Don’t say that. It isn’t fair to me. Giving me false hope isn’t fair.”

“It isn’t false hope.”

“How do you know?”

Maz pulled away. She took Leia’s face in her hands, raising it to meet her gaze. “How do  _ you?” _

“The last time I believed my son might come home, I lost Han.” The words were so bitter, Leia swore she could taste them. But they came so surely, so easily. “I just want to make sure I don’t make the same mistake with Rey’s life.”

Maz didn’t protest immediately. Instead, her giant eyes regarded Leia’s face. 

“Do you feel that you are to blame for the boy’s actions?”

Leia blinked. “I...I can’t do anything about what he chooses to do.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

Leia tried to avert her gaze as more tears came to her eyes, but Maz’s hold on her was firm. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault that he’s where he is.”

“There’s no sense in that. You couldn’t have known this was where we’d end up.”

“But I should have. I’m his  _ mother.” _

Maz didn’t have a response. Leia exhaled, but it sounded more like a sob than a sigh. “I’m tired of hoping for things that have no chance of happening, Maz. I’m just so tired. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. How much longer I can hope for him.” She hiccupped. “I know that’s  _ awful. _ I know I’m his mother and I should always be the biggest believer in how good he is. It’s not that I don’t love him, or that I don’t believe he  _ can  _ be good. I’m just not sure he  _ will  _ be. It hurts, Maz. Watching him do this. Watching him  _ be  _ this. I’m not sure I can do it anymore.”

“Nothing will be solved if no one believes in him. Just hold on a little longer, Leia. For me. We need to be here waiting for him if he decides to return.”

“Maz, I-”

“Please, Leia.”

Maz looked so full of hope, so sure, that for now, Leia decided to believe her. To trust her. After all, what did she have to lose?

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just feel like Leia needs a serious emotional dump. The poor girl has been suffering for so long. I decided to give one to her, and who better to be there with her than Ben Solo's Number One Fan? (At least, so far in this fic.)
> 
> Also, I noticed that this story has OVER 200 KUDOS!!! You guys that's amazing, thank you so much!!! I never thought I'd get this far.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always loved and appreciated! I really hope you guys enjoyed and I can't wait until next chapter!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Hux had to walk through one more sand infested village, he was going to kill someone.
> 
> Since their recent escape, the rage that Supreme Leader Snoke harbored towards a certain ninny and his new girlfriend had been redirected at Hux and his men. Now, he had to grovel at the Supreme Leader’s feet just to get by. He’d been sent on a bantha chase across the galaxy because of a few reports from some wayward Outer Rim informants that insisted they’d seen the two traipsing about at one of their outposts. Hux knew that even if they’d been there at one point in time, they wouldn’t be once the First Order arrived. Ren might be an idiot who couldn’t think past the next minute and a half of his life, but the desert rat was not. She was clever. She’d know to move around, to never stay in one place for too long. But Hux knew better than to voice those opinions aloud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been SO much longer than normal with this update, but I feel like this chapter has been a bear to write. I also went on vacation with my family for ten days. It still isn't exactly how I'd like it to be, but I'd never post it if I kept staring at it. So here it is!
> 
> Hope you all enjoy!

If Hux had to walk through one more sand infested village, he was going to kill someone. 

Since their recent escape, the rage that Supreme Leader Snoke harbored towards a certain ninny and his new girlfriend had been redirected at Hux and his men. Now, he had to grovel at the Supreme Leader’s feet just to get by. He’d been sent on a bantha chase across the galaxy because of a few reports from some wayward Outer Rim informants that insisted they’d seen the two traipsing about at one of their outposts. Hux knew that even if they’d been there at one point in time, they wouldn’t be once the First Order arrived. Ren might be an idiot who couldn’t think past the next minute and a half of his life, but the desert rat was not. She was clever. She’d know to move around, to never stay in one place for too long. But Hux knew better than to voice those opinions aloud. 

Now, he had to deliver the news that the two were - unsurprisingly - nowhere to be found, and for some unfathomable reason, the Supreme Leader would be mad at  _ him.  _ As if he had any control over where two fugitives chose to hide. 

But no matter. He’d find Ren and the girl eventually. And when he did, Hux would see to it personally that they were flushed into the cold vacuum of space to die a slow death. 

He just had to make it out of this audience alive. 

“General Hux,” Snoke droned as he entered.

He sat slouched in his chair, his hands hanging limply from the armrests. At least he was in a good mood. Comparatively speaking.

“You had better have good news.”

“I’m afraid I don’t, Supreme Leader. It would appear that Ren and the girl are no longer residing on Beheboth.”

Snoke didn’t react immediately. Hux watched as his hands slowly curled themselves into fists, as his posture stiffened. He opened his mouth to continue, but Snoke growled and slammed his hand into his throne. Snoke raised his hand towards Hux and an invisible one closed around his throat. 

“Find them,” Snoke snarled. 

Hux’s boots dragged the ground as he inched toward the throne. He clawed at the hand he couldn’t remove as it pulled on him, cutting off his air. 

“Blow every planet in every system to ashes if you must. I want them beaten and bloodied at my feet.”

He was so close to Snoke that spit flecked his cheeks. 

“Kylo Ren will pay for his treachery. The scavenger will pay for her defiance. But if you don’t find them,  _ you  _ will pay for them both.”

Hux nodded to the best of his ability. Snoke released him and he collapsed, massaging his throat and inhaling as deeply as he could manage without his lungs aching. 

Snoke’s attention was turned from him to the doors at the back of the room when they opened. Hux ceased his sputtering and coughing to turn and look. 

“Captain Phasma. I sincerely hope that your report is better than the General’s.”

Phasma stood at attention, her polished armor gleaming even in the dimness of Snoke’s chamber. Hux scrambled to his feet, not about to be outdone by his inferior. 

“An informant on Alvorine reported seeing a ship matching the description of the one our fugitives supposedly acquired on Beheboth. They said it entered the atmosphere a few days ago and still hasn’t left. It’s not a safe bet, but it’s better than anything else we have.”

Snoke sat back in his throne, the fingers on one hand tapping a steady rhythm on the arm. Hux tried not to twitch.

“Send troops there now. General Hux will oversee the operation.” He turned to face him. “Be sure that it does not fail.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

Snoke waved a hand. “Get out of my sight.”

Both Hux and Phasma bowed. Then Hux turned on his heel and left. Quickly.

* * *

“Do you think they’re looking for you?”

Rey paused in the middle of hanging a soaking tunic to turn and look. Kylo lounged in the shade of a tree, a twig rolling between his fingers. She blinked. “Do I think who are looking for me?”

“Your friends. The stormtrooper. The pilot.”

She returned her attention to the clothesline. “Finn. And Poe.”

“Yes, exactly.”

She sighed, drying her hands on her pants as she went for another wet article of clothing. “I have no idea. It never really occurred to me, I guess.”

“Liar.”

So maybe she was. But she was afraid that she’d jinx herself if she voiced her thoughts aloud. If they  _ were  _ looking for her, they wouldn’t find her if she said anything about it. 

“I don’t know...maybe.”

“Do you still think they were the people who attacked  _ Supremacy  _ that day?”

She did. But she tried not to think about it. If they were, how many casualties had they caused? How many people had died trying to save her?

“Sometimes I wonder what might’ve happened if I’d stayed just a little while longer, yes.”

“Oh.”

She stiffened, suddenly hearing her words with his ears. “That’s not to say I resent you for getting me out of there.”

He shook his head, a strained smile on his face. “I wouldn’t blame you even if you did. I’d rather you be with them than with me. I dragged you into this and, because of me, you’re still in it. Don’t feel bad for wishing you were somewhere else.”

Rey ducked her head, trying to force away the blush of shame on her cheeks. “I don’t  _ entirely  _ hate being here,” she mumbled.

She meant it. Sure, it had been nearly unbearable in the beginning, but recently it wasn’t so bad. And because she was here, she knew more about her strange connection with Kylo than she ever would have under Luke. If she could convince him to open up a little more, she might even be able to explore it fully. She could certainly think of worse outcomes than her current situation.

Kylo chuckled. “You don’t have to try to make me feel better.”

_ “Please.  _ Don’t flatter yourself; I wouldn’t try that hard.”

“Well,  _ now  _ I’m hurt.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “I’d mean what I said even more if you’d come help.”

He didn’t answer, but she heard him stand. Seconds later, he appeared in her periphery, wet clothes in hand. They worked side by side in comfortable silence, and Rey marveled not the first time at how far their relationship had come in order for them to do so. 

In the first few days of their shared company, Rey would’ve been paranoid that his silence was his way of plotting an escape, maybe even her murder. But now, she knew his silences were more dangerous for him than they were for her. Most times, they were just brief moments of introspection, nothing that she didn’t do from time to time. But sometimes, he was letting his past swallow him whole. Rey learned to tell the difference, and when he got too silent, she engaged him in conversation. Though he never said anything, she knew he was grateful. 

“I really don’t hate being around you,” she whispered. “Not anymore. It could be worse.”

He glanced at her for a moment, but he didn’t respond. 

“I’m not just saying that.”

Kylo didn’t look at her this time, and she not at him, but she could hear his small smile when he spoke. “I know.”

Rey couldn’t help a smile of her own.

When they were finished, the sun was in the middle of the sky. Her stomach rumbled, and, as if on cue, Kylo’s did too. 

Rey laughed. “I guess that means it’s lunchtime.”

“We should eat outside today.” Kylo stared at the sky. “It’s nice.”

Rey followed his gaze. She nodded. “It is.”

“Stay here, I’ll go get lunch.”

She watched him go, then found a shady spot to sit while she waited.

He was right, it  _ was  _ nice here. Once she’d gotten past the humidity, she’d learned to appreciate the greenery and the coolness of the air. There was a water source nearby, and the thick trees made it ideal for hiding. Rey was sure that if she had the right people, she could stay here forever. 

Kylo walked out of the ship balancing a canteen and a few ration packets in his hands. Rey chuckled and got up to help him, and he looked up when he noticed her coming. He opened his mouth, likely to make a sarcastic remark, but it never made it past his lips. His eyes widened and he dropped what was in his hands to sprint towards her. 

“Rey,  _ look out!” _

On instinct, Rey spun around. The blaster bolt missed her by millimeters. Before she could react, Kylo bowled into her, taking her to the ground. Another bolt whizzed over their heads. 

The force of the impact rolled the two of them into some of the bushes at the edge of the clearing. They used the relative cover to gain their bearings.

“Stormtroopers,” Rey muttered, peering over the top of the brush.

“My blaster,” Kylo whispered. “Rey, where’s the blaster you took from me?”

“My bag.”

He nodded, then got up, sprinting across the camp. His lightsaber, alive in his hands, spit fire as it batted away bolts of plasma. Rey found her footing, pulling her own lightsaber from her belt. The stormtroopers’ backs were turned, their focus on Kylo. Rey had an easy time sneaking up on them. They were dead or otherwise incapacitated on the ground before they even knew she was behind them. 

“Kylo?” she called.

“Rey?”

She broke through the trees back into their clearing and saw Kylo standing with his lightsaber in one hand, his blaster in the other. 

“Are you okay?”

Rey nodded. “You?”

“I’m fine. I wanted to make sure we didn’t give them an extra weapon,” he said. “They don’t know a thing about lightsabers, but these” - he waved the blaster around for emphasis - “are their lives.”

“There’s more of them coming. I can hear them. We have to leave.”

Kylo’s eyes were trained on a spot over her head. “Rey, I don’t think we have time.”

She turned to see what he saw, and as she did, a blaster bolt passed by. Wide by a long shot, but they would get more accurate the closer the stormtroopers came. This time, there were more than just a few of them. 

“They sent a whole army.”

“For us? I’m not surprised.”

They shared a look. Kylo stuffed the blaster in his belt and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t die. Don’t get caught.”

“Same to you.”

Then the stormtroopers were on top of them. While there were only a few, it was easy for Rey to bat aside the bolts they fired at her. Some, she even managed to direct back at the shooter. But then, there were hordes of them, and it was all Rey could do not to get shot. 

They managed to separate the two of them, pushing Rey farther back into the trees. Eventually, she couldn’t see Kylo anymore, and could only hope that he’d be able to handle himself. She did  _ not  _ want to take him back to his mother riddled with blaster bolt holes.  _ Don’t die. Don’t get caught.  _ Two simple instructions. 

At least, they  _ seemed  _ simple.

Distracted, Rey slipped and fell backwards. She clearly did not have the time to worry about Kylo at the moment. It was all she could do to get back on her feet so the stormtroopers didn’t trample her. She managed to cut a few off at the legs, decreasing their numbers. It made it easier for her to deflect their shots, and she got lucky enough to hit more than a couple stormtroopers with their own bolts. But still, they chased after her, the number of them only seeming to grow no matter how many she cut down. 

She couldn’t beat them, couldn’t outplay them. Their numbers were too many. She didn’t know the ins and outs of the Force well enough to do the kinds of things Kylo could do, and she wasn’t going to risk her life by trying and failing now. 

She’d have to outrun them. 

Rey turned and bolted. She ran as fast as she could, never bothering to turn and look. She moved as sporadically as she could manage, twisting and turning to lose them. They followed her every step of the way. 

Rey grew frantic. She was quickly tiring, and they’d catch up with her eventually. But she had to keep running. There was no sense in rolling over to die, not after everything she’d been through. There was a clearing she could see up ahead. That would be a good place to lose them. 

She managed to push herself faster, to put more space between her and her pursuers. But when she broke into the clearing, she knew she’d been caught. 

Stormtroopers lined every edge, all blasters trained on her. The ones who’d chased her filled in around their cohorts, also raising blasters.

“Put the weapon down.”

_ Don’t die. Don’t get caught.  _

‘Well,’ she thought. ‘It appears that it’s one or the other.’

“I said put the weapon down! We  _ will  _ shoot!”

Rey knew that the last thing she wanted to do was put down her lightsaber. She held it tighter. 

“Ready your weapons! Fire in 3!”

She squeezed her eyes shut.  _ Kylo, now would be a really good time to show up and teach me how to stop blaster bolts.  _

“2!”

She’d at least have to try. With how many blasters they had trained on her, she’d be vaporized if she didn’t do something. 

“1!”

_ Please let this work. _

She threw up her hands as they fired, imagining a hand closing around each of the bolts, stopping them. After a few beats of nothing happening, she opened her eyes. Dozens of blaster bolts were suspended in midair, some closer to her than others. The stormtroopers stood frozen in awe, and for a moment, Rey did too. Then, she remembered herself and dropped to her stomach, releasing the bolts so they soared over her and into the stormtroopers opposite their original shooter. 

The few that survived ran in the other direction, and when Rey was sure that the threat had passed, she scrambled to her feet and ran back in the direction of camp. 

She managed to find it, by some miracle. Their space was a wreck, but it was empty of people. That meant they’d managed to push Kylo back, too.

What if they’d sent more stormtroopers after him? He was probably a much bigger target than she was. Did he need help? Should she go after him?

No. He’d be fine. She needed to prepare their things so that as soon as he came back, they could leave. 

_ But what if he didn’t come back? _

The thought caused her stomach to turn. She shook her head. He would. He  _ would. _

Everything of worth went back on the ship. Their bedrolls, their clothes, her bag. She was going back for the canteen when something burst through the trees at her right. She reared up, her hand going to her lightsaber. It was Kylo, sweaty and tattered, but alive. 

She couldn’t ignore her sigh of relief.

“They’re right behind me;  _ go!” _

He didn’t have to tell her twice. She turned and ran, turning her lightsaber on to bat away any stray bolts. Kylo followed close behind her. 

Just as her foot found the edge of the ramp, Kylo called her name. He shoved her, and she tripped and fell, her head thumping against the metal. Her ears rang for a moment, and her vision swam, but she managed to regain her senses. 

“You  _ have  _ to stop doing that!” she groaned, rolling to find her footing. 

But when she turned around, Kylo lay curled on his side, a smoking hole on the left side of his abdomen. Her eyes widened. 

_ “Kylo!” _

She ducked as a bolt hit the hull of the ship beside her, bursting into a shower of sparks. Kylo yelped, failing in his attempts to pull himself up the ramp. She ran back down to meet him.

“Why would you  _ do  _ that?”

“You would have died.”

She hooked her hands under his arms, but when she pulled, he howled in pain.

“I’m sorry. Kylo, it’s going to hurt, but-”

“Just - go. Leave me here...leave me here; they want me.”

“Like hell.”

Another bolt passed dangerously close to them both, but Rey hardly noticed. She pulled harder, trying to ignore his discomfort. Pain in her side flared suddenly, hot and sharp, but she ignored it. Whatever it was, she could deal with it later. 

A blaster bolt hit near her foot, and she stumbled.

“Get out of here, Rey.”

“Not without you. I will  _ not  _ do that to your mother.”

“Rey-”

_ “I said no!” _

The stormtroopers were getting closer now, and if Rey couldn’t manage to get them inside soon, they’d both die. “Kylo, I’m so sorry!”

“What are you-?”

She heaved him up over the edge of the ramp, ignoring his shouts of pain and surprise. It seemed that the ramp lasted forever, but finally, her feet hit the floor of the ship. They were both inside just in time, and Rey closed the door. 

She situated Kylo as comfortably as she could. “You’ll need to hold on to something.”

He nodded and she raced off to the cockpit. Once she got there, she realized that getting off the ground would be the least of her problems. Those stormtroopers hadn’t materialized out of thin air. They’d come from a larger ship, maybe even a commandship, by their numbers. Rey would either have to sneak past them or find another way out unless she wanted to face what could be a giant Star Destroyer waiting for her outside this planet’s atmosphere. 

A thought occurred to her, then. Han had jumped to hyperspace from inside a hangar. If he could do that, why couldn’t she do it just a little bit too close to a planet? Sure, he was Han Solo, but she was Rey from Jakku, damn it - a Jedi in training - and she’d done much harder things than making a risky jump. 

“Kylo, hang on,” she mumbled, plugging in coordinates. 

She lifted off the ground, wincing as blasterfire pelted the ship’s hull. As soon as they were in the sky and had a clear shot, she said a prayer and threw the ship into hyperspace. 

After a few seconds without anything blowing them up or crushing them, Rey assumed they were in the clear. She sagged in her seat, catching her breath. 

“Rey!” she heard Kylo grunt from the front of the ship. 

Her eyes widened and her cheeks flushed, embarrassment at having forgotten him burning brightly before she tamped it down.

“I’m coming!”

He was hunched over on himself, his hands at his wound. Rey knelt next to him, reaching out to brush his hands away. 

“Don’t touch it.”

“Kylo, I have to see how bad it is. You have to move your hands.”

She peeled his arms back, and her heart palpitated when she saw the hole in his tunic, the charred flesh underneath. 

“We have to get your shirt off. Can you raise your arms?”

He shook his head. “No,” he hissed, “not the one on this side.”

Rey sighed. She gently lifted his arm, then tore the tunic along the seam. “I’ll stitch it later. Help me pull it off.”

He helped her get the ruined fabric off. It would be a miracle if stitching fixed that tunic. 

“Can you stand?”

She knew the answer would probably be no, but she wanted to ask anyway. It would be easier to work on him if he was on a cot. 

“Hang on.”

He closed his eyes for a moment. Rey frowned. “What are you-?”

“If you concentrate the Force around the wound, it numbs the pain, dulls it. But I can only do it for so long.”

The color had returned to his face somewhat, so it had to be working on some level. But Rey suspected Kylo was overstating his pain decrease. Still, if he was willing to move, it would be better for them both. 

“Let’s go.”

She managed to get him standing, and together, they walked to the pilot’s cabin. 

“You idiot,” she mumbled as he lay down on the cot. “You’re so  _ stupid.  _ Why would you do that?”

“I saved you. I may have gotten shot in the side, but if it had hit you, you would have died.”

Rey fumbled for the medkit, the strips of cloth she’d torn from her old clothes. “Yes, well, you could’ve used the Force to shield me, not your body.”

“I didn’t see it in time.”

Rey huffed. “That was still so...so  _ stupid.” _

“Rey, look at me.”

She ignored him, getting up to find the canteen. Hopefully, they’d filled it with water. 

“Rey.”

It was in her bag, half-full. It was better than nothing. 

She sat back at his side, opening the canteen and wetting a strip of cloth.

_ “Look at me.” _

Kylo grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop. He was insistent, but not harsh. Rey reluctantly met his eyes. “You would have  _ died.  _ I wasn’t about to let that happen.”

_ “Why?” _

He stared at her for a long time. He didn’t answer. Rey pulled her arm from his grip and continued wetting the cloth. Then, she pulled all the bacta patches from the medkit and set them in front of her. 

“Don’t use all of those on me. I’m not worth it-”

She put the wet cloth against his wound and he broke off in a hiss. He started to pull away, but she put a hand on his chest and forced him to lay back down.

“It might hurt, but I need to clean it. I don’t want to risk infection. If it spreads, we won’t have enough bacta.”

He let her work in silence for awhile, which she was grateful for. She wanted to process everything that had happened before he did anything that would confuse her. 

_ Why did you almost die for me?  _ she wanted to ask.  _ We’re supposed to be enemies, not allies.  _

But were they enemies anymore?

He’d put himself in harm’s way for her over and over again, it seemed. First bowing his head to let her kill him with Snoke, then saving her from the river, now this. The best thing she’d done for him so far was tell him she’d consider letting him leave, and she  _ still  _ wasn’t sure if she’d even let him do that. 

This change in him was becoming hard for her to process.

“Why do you find it so hard to believe I’d want to save you?”

She sighed, setting the cloth down. “I just don’t understand  _ why.  _ Why don’t you just let me die? All of your problems would go away if you let me die, and you wouldn’t even have to live with killing me.”

“Yes, I would.”

The graveness of his tone was enough to set her on edge. 

“Letting you die is just the same as killing you. I just don’t want the galaxy to lose a person like you.”

Rey snorted, a poor attempt to relieve some of the tension. “What do you mean by that?”

“I think you might be one of the only people in this galaxy who gives a damn what happens to it and all the people in it.”

At this, Rey laughed for real. She picked up one of the bacta patches and gently pressed it over the wound. “That’s definitely not true. There’s an entire group of people who care about it just as much as I do.”

“For their own reasons,” Kylo said. “Personal vendettas, selfish motives. You’re in it because it’s the right thing to do. You don’t have any skin in this game, not really.”

“If I live in this galaxy, I have skin in the game.”

“See, most people don’t think about it like that,” he insisted. “You lived on a backwater planet that barely sees any time front and center in galactic politics, and if the Order had come and redone everything, you wouldn’t have hardly been affected. But you left that planet and came to fight because you cared about all the people who  _ would  _ have been affected. You’re in it because it’s the right thing to do, because standing up for others is something you believe in. There aren’t very many people like that out there.”

Rey was stunned into silence. She felt ashamed. She  _ should  _ have been able to say something. ‘Thank you,’ or ‘I doubt there’s as few as you think,’ but she was shocked by the fact that he’d thought about why she fought for this cause, something she hadn’t even really thought about herself. But she supposed he was at least partially right. She did it because she would’ve felt bad if she didn’t fight. 

“You never answered my question.”

Rey shook her head. “The answer’s not important.”

“It is to me or I wouldn’t have asked.”

She applied the last bacta patch then reached for a long cloth strip. “I guess I’ve just always believed you had an ulterior motive. For everything you do, not just good things. Some of the things you’ve done, I just couldn’t understand what your reasons would be, so I stopped trying to. Now, I just assume there’s  _ always  _ a reason I’m not aware of. I...I don’t know, I don’t have a simple answer.”

“I was hoping we were past that.”

“Kylo,” she sighed. “I’m not sure we’ll  _ ever  _ be past that.”

“So you’ll never really trust me.”

“No, I’m not sure I will.”

“Why?”

“I’m not doing this right now.” She held up the long cloth strip. “Can you sit up so I can wrap this?”

“If you’ll tell me why.”

Rey huffed. “Because.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“I told you I don’t really have one.”

Now, he did sit up. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, looking her straight in the eye. “Please, Rey,” he whispered.  _ “Tell me why.” _

Suddenly, Rey felt suffocated by their proximity. She sat back on her feet.

“No.”

_ “Rey-” _

“I already told you I’m not doing this! Please, just let me finish wrapping your wound.”

“Not until you tell me why you-!”

_ “How could I trust you?”  _ she shouted, flying to her feet.  _ “How am I supposed to trust a man who killed his own father?”  _

Even before she’d finished speaking, Rey knew she’d crossed a line. She felt horrible. Nausea swept over her as she saw the change in Kylo’s eyes, the change in his face. He looked like she’d taken every dream he’d ever had and smashed it to pieces. 

“Kylo…” She was surprised to find herself blinking back tears. “Kylo, I didn’t mean-”

“Yes, you did.”

“No!” she insisted. “No, I didn’t. I  _ didn’t,  _ Kylo. I swear.”

She knew she’d already lost him. He wouldn’t meet her eyes. 

“Kylo, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for being right.”

“But I’m-”

He shook his head. “Don’t make it worse. Please. Just...get out. Go.”

“Your bandage-”

“I can manage. Please, leave me alone.”

Rey bit hard on the inside of her cheek to keep tears from slipping down her cheeks. “Kylo, please-”

_ “Get out!” _

She started, jumping backwards. His snarl softened when he saw that he’d scared her, but his eyes did not. She sucked in a deep breath through her nose, then turned on her heel and marched out. 

If he didn’t want to talk to her, fine. It wasn’t like her words hadn’t held truth. How  _ could  _ she trust someone who’d murdered their own father? She’d been there when it had happened, experienced that pain and sense of betrayal firsthand, so she had every right to be wary.

But if it was the truth, if she was  _ well within her rights to feel that way,  _ why did she feel so awful for it?

* * *

“You had them within your grasp...and  _ you failed again?” _

Hux would kill them. Both of them. With his bare hands. He would beat them within an inch of their life, bring them to death’s door, then dunk them in bacta and start all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat. 

“Supreme Leader, there was nothing more we could have done. We sent down hundreds of men - our best operatives!”

“They were not good enough! You let them slip away!”

Or maybe he could set torture droids loose on them. Five of them. Each.

“They reported that they managed to wound Ren, maybe fatally.”

Snoke leaned forward in his chair. “That means  _ nothing  _ to me. The girl might heal him. And even if he dies, the girl got away.”

_ Or  _ he could do a little bit of both. Use his bare hands until he was tired, then let the droids finish the job.

“This isn’t yet over, Supreme Leader.”

Snoke sat back. “At least you have one thing correct. This is  _ far  _ from over. I expect you to go out and find them yourself. Kill them. I don’t care how or where. It had better  _ hurt.” _

Hux couldn’t help his smile. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

He bowed, turning to leave, but it seemed that Snoke was not yet finished. “General Hux.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader?”

“If you do not come back with their heads, then do not come back  _ at all.  _ Is that clear?”

Hux nodded. “Crystal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything to say here except that the next chapter should not take NEARLY as long as this one. My writing schedule is getting back to normal, so they should start coming pretty regularly now. Thank you all for being so patient!
> 
> As always thank you for reading! Until next chapter!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All ground forces on Beheboth have been pulled. If they weren’t stationed there before the Order’s increased presence, they’re not planetside anymore. The Order briefly visited Alvorine not long after they left Beheboth, but they haven’t been seen in a large capacity on any planet since.” The hand over Leia’s mouth curled into a fist that she rested against her chin. “So...what does that mean?”
> 
> She looked between Maz, Poe, BB-8, Chewie, and Luke over the holotable they stood around. The feed they were viewing flickered and looped, and Leia was met with blank stares and silence.
> 
> This had been about the least productive Finn had ever seen the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken so long and I'm sorry it's so short! I'll have the next chapter up soon I promise. It was originally only going to be one chapter, but I decided it would be better as two separate ones, so the next one is already partially written. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience! Hope you enjoy!

“All ground forces on Beheboth have been pulled. If they weren’t stationed there before the Order’s increased presence, they’re not planetside anymore. The Order briefly visited Alvorine not long after they left Beheboth, but they haven’t been seen in a large capacity on any planet since.” The hand over Leia’s mouth curled into a fist that she rested against her chin. “So...what does that mean?”

She looked between Maz, Poe, BB-8, Chewie, and Luke over the holotable they stood around. The feed they were viewing flickered and looped, and Leia was met with blank stares and silence. 

This had been about the least productive Finn had ever seen the group. 

Of course, he wasn’t helping much sitting as far away from them as he could manage, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep his cool much longer. 

“Maz,” Poe finally said. “What do you think?”

“I think that must mean they got away.”

Poe deflated. “Maz.”

Maz glared his way. They’d been fighting this fight for days, and they weren’t making any progress. Any sensible being would know better than to try and argue with Maz Kanata. Unfortunately, Poe was not one to back down in the face of adversity. 

“I just think we should be more realistic about what we assume here. What are the chances of them escaping from that planet with the entirety of the Order breathing down their necks?”

“They seemed to manage it just fine the first time.”

Chewie grumbled something too quiet for Finn to make out and Leia opened her mouth to say her piece, but Poe spoke over both of them. 

“They got  _ lucky  _ the first time. Getting lucky  _ twice  _ is  _ not realistic.” _

Maz leaned forward on the table, interrupting the display. “Realism does  _ not  _ translate to cynicism, Poe.”

Poe adjusted the display to operate around Maz. “And it doesn’t translate to your starry-eyed view of the galaxy, either.”

“Alright, you two.” Leia stepped in front of Poe, shutting the feed off. “This isn’t getting us anywhere.”

Both Poe and Maz stepped back, but Poe’s cheeks were flushed and Maz was determined not to meet his eyes. Leia watched them for a moment, then fell into a chair. “I think it’s time we take a break.”

“No.”

Everyone’s eyes fell on Finn as he stood. It was the first thing he’d said since they’d congregated, and they looked just as surprised as he was that he’d said anything at all. But he was tired of playing games. It was do or die time, and he wasn’t waiting anymore.

“I’m not taking another break until we’ve found Rey.”

“Finn,” Leia sighed, “we can’t do anything for Rey until we know where she is. Until we have a plan.”

Finn resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “We’ve been trying to make a plan for weeks. It’s time to act now. Rey might not have much longer.”

“We have to be smart about this, Finn,” Poe said, stepping forward. “There’s no sense in wasting resources.”

“There’s no sense in leaving our people -  _ our best chance at saving the galaxy  _ \- stranded and helpless.”

“She isn’t stranded.” Maz hopped down from her seat. “And she isn’t helpless. She’s with Ben.”

“We all already know exactly how I feel about that.”

Maz wandered around the table to face Finn, her eyes narrowed. “Unfortunately.”

Finn avoided her gaze. “Have we even asked the rest of our pilots what  _ they  _ think? How many of them would agree with me?”

“Not as many as you’d want.”

Skywalker’s input only fueled Finn’s fire. 

“Luke, please,” Leia whispered. “He has a valid point. We haven’t bothered to ask others for their input. The conversation hasn’t even left this room.”

“So let’s tell them!” Finn shouted. “Let’s see what they think instead of sitting around and arguing about the same thing every day! Let’s  _ get somewhere!” _

“I just don’t think they’re ready for another fight like this, bud,” Poe murmured. “Not yet. We haven’t had a big win in a long time, and the last time we tried a rescue mission like this, we lost a lot and gained nothing.”

Finn kicked his chair.  _ “Rey could be dying!”  _ he bellowed. “Ren could be out there torturing her for information every day that goes by! He could be doing worse! And we’re sitting here twiddling our thumbs and ho-humming about because we can’t make a decision! Because you’ve been led to believe that there isn’t really a problem here! There is! There  _ is  _ a problem here! Rey  _ is  _ in danger! Kylo Ren isn’t your ‘Ben’ anymore! He’s a murderer and a monster, and he will stop at nothing to crush everything we love!  _ And that includes Rey!” _

He was panting as he finished his tirade, and they all stared back at him in two parts shock and pity. He ducked his head, suddenly ashamed of his outburst, but he could see when Maz turned and stormed out of the room without another word. Luke followed after her, but he didn’t appear to be angry, just tired. BB-8 rolled up and bumped Poe in the leg, chirping softly.

“Yeah, buddy,” Poe whispered, still watching the doorway as if they’d come wandering back inside. “Go make sure they’re good.”

The little orange BB-unit rolled out of the room, leaving Leia, Poe, Chewie, and Finn alone. Finn picked his chair up and sat in it, putting his head in his hands so he didn’t have to meet Leia’s eyes. He felt her come to sit by him, felt her hand when she placed it on his arm.

“I know Rey is in danger. I know that.” 

Her voice was so soft that even with her sitting right next to him, he had to strain to hear her words. Finn raised his head to look at her, and Poe moved closer to hear them, too. Leia stared at the ground as she continued. “I love my son, but I know who he is. What he’s become. And I know he’s not a threat to be taken lightly.”

It was the closest Finn had heard her to hopelessness in a long time, and a pang of guilt churned his stomach. 

“But running in to save her without a plan puts our already fragile existence in more peril than Rey’s. Rey is strong. We have to believe that she can hold her own for just a little while longer.”

Poe folded his arms, giving a curt nod. “If she’s out there to find, we’ll find her.”

Finn knew Poe believed that. Believed it with all his heart. The look in his eyes and the fire in his voice told him all he needed to know. But he wasn’t sure that  _ he  _ could believe it. They were still sitting here doing nothing.

But he tried for a smile and nodded. “I’m sorry. To all of you and the others. I was out of line.”

Poe clapped him on the back. “Sometimes things get a little heated, buddy. Just make sure you take some time to cool down, alright?”

Finn nodded as Leia gave him a pat on the arm. Chewie shuffled over and gave him a hug, and Finn did his best to translate the soft yowl he offered. 

_ I’m sorry. Not your fault. _

“It’s not yours either,” Finn said.

Chewie stepped back and Leia stood and took his arm. Poe gave a gesture of farewell, and the three of them walked out of the room. 

Finn waited until the door closed behind them before he moved.

The bag he’d packed was waiting in a small cabinet space at the back of the room. He’d come in before everyone else to put it there, just in case. He had what little food he could find, some of it stored up from the past several weeks, along with an extra pair of clothes, a blaster, and some water. 

If they weren’t going after Rey, he was.

The halls he used were mostly empty. He’d monitored the place for weeks, picking out which ones were used the least to find his route. It was long and roundabout, but it would get him out of here. 

The Falcon was buried behind the many ships usually coming in and out of the base. It was just Finn’s luck that traffic was light today - it would make it harder for him to leave undetected - but he’d have to wing it and hope for the best. 

The ramp was already down when Finn made it to the ship, and he jumped back hiding behind a nearby ship. He pulled out a blaster and set it to stun, ignoring the guilt that was already beginning to fester in his chest. He heard footsteps coming down the ramp and jumped out, firing and missing Chewie by centimeters. Chewie roared in surprise, reaching out and smacking the blaster from his hands. 

“Chewie!” Finn wheezed, lunging for the blaster. “What are you doing here?”

_ Falcon needs work. You? _

Finn sighed, stuffing the blaster back in his bag. “I have to go find Rey.”

Chewie crossed his arms. 

_ Leia said no. _

“Leia said no, and Poe said no, and every other person in that room said no, but we’ve waited long enough. I’m going, and  _ you  _ can’t stop me.”

Chewie didn’t say anything in answer. Finn hefted up his bag and brushed past the Wookiee, hoping he wouldn’t do anything to try and stop him. He flinched under the giant paw that came down on his shoulder.

_ You’ll get caught.  _

Finn stopped, turned to face him. “Maybe I will. But I’ll have tried. Rey at least deserves that.”

Chewie looked him up and down. 

_ I’m coming. _

Finn’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “No, Chewie. I have to go alone. I’m risking my own life, not anyone else’s.”

_ You need backup. A copilot. I can help you off-planet.  _

“Chewie-”

_ I can pass security. You cannot. _

“I’ve got a plan.”

_ I’ll tell. _

Finn glared, surprised by Chewie’s persistence. “You wouldn’t.”

_ I could. _

Chewie met his glare, and Finn rolled his eyes, scanning the area around them before huffing and nodding. He didn’t have a choice if he wanted Rey to have a chance. “Fine. Fine, just get on. We have to leave before someone comes looking for one of us.”

He moved to shove the Wookiee onboard, but Chewie planted his feet. 

_ Not this one. _

“What?”

Chewie didn’t answer. He walked off without warning, and Finn barely caught himself before falling flat on his face. 

“Chewie, where are you going?” Finn hissed.  _ “Wait!” _

He chased Chewie through the hangar, attempting to keep up with his companion while simultaneously remaining relatively hidden. Chewie wove through the numerous X- and A-wings without even a glance backwards, then he suddenly ducked out of the hangar through a partially-hidden door. Finn slipped inside and saw that the room was full of old or standard-model ships. No one else was inside.

“Where’d the Resistance get all these?”

Chewie didn’t answer. He ushered Finn toward the dustiest looking ship in the place, an old Ghtroc 720. Finn did his best to keep his expression neutral, but he couldn’t help the uncertainty in his words.

_ “This  _ is the ship you want to take? It’s in worse shape than the Falcon.”

_ Standard blends in. The Falcon does not. _

He had a point. The Falcon was probably at the top of the Order’s wanted list by now. They’d almost certainly be caught if they flew it. 

Maybe he needed Chewie a little more than he realized.

“Can you fly it?”

Chewie nodded.

“Well, then,” Finn sighed. “What are we waiting for? Get in.”

* * *

Rey had been wrong. She knew that.

Her words hadn’t been wrong, no. In fact, her reasoning was entirely sound, and any other person would agree with her if put in the same circumstances. But the way she’d used them was wrong. She’d lorded them over his head, beat him with them. Her timing and tone had been cruel. Instead of engaging in a conversation with him about them, she’d shouted them, dropped them like an explosive ready to blow, and then she’d been upset when their fragile bridge of understanding had crumbled to dust. 

So, yes, she’d been wrong. But Kylo wouldn’t let her apologize. 

It had been two days since they’d landed on Trailia. A planet of few people and dense jungles, it was the perfect place to hide from the Order. But that also gave them plenty of opportunities to hide from each other. She only saw Kylo on the rare occasion they ate at the same time. Then, they saw each other in the brief amount of time it took to grab a ration pack, and he’d disappear again. 

Rey entertained the idea of letting him soak in his own misery. She was torn daily between seeking him out and leaving him be. But eventually, she figured that letting his anger with her build would ultimately harm their dwindling trust. They had to talk about it eventually; she might as well make it sooner rather than later.

She found him onboard the ship, holed away in the crew quarters. He lounged on one of the cots, cleaning their blaster. Rey moved to be within his line of sight, but he didn’t even look up. He might have seemed unbothered to any less-sensitive life form, but Rey could feel the Force around him alive with hurt and anger. 

“Kylo?”

“Don’t.”

Rey shook her head. “I need to apologize, and I need you to hear it. Please.”

“I need you to leave.”

She would have been frustrated if he hadn’t sounded so desperate, so broken. His voice was flat. He was begging her to leave. But the Resistance was counting on her. She couldn’t leave their newfound alliance in shambles because of her poor timing. 

And part of her had to admit it was for reasons other than a strategic disadvantage.

“Kylo, look at me.”

“No.”

She stepped forward, placing her hands over his and forcing them into his lap. Now, because he had to, he met her eyes.

“I should never have said what I did. Not that way.”

His shock passed quickly and he yanked his hands away. “Too late.”

He put the blaster aside and stood up, turning to leave. Desperation shoved Rey’s words from her throat. “Kylo, we’ve come so far! We  _ can’t _ destroy it now!”

Kylo froze in the doorway as if she’d slapped him. “I’m not destroying anything,” he said over his shoulder. “According to you, there was nothing to destroy.”

Rey flinched. The bitterness in his voice soured the air around them. “You asked the question and demanded an answer,” she whispered. “What was I supposed to do?”

It was the wrong thing to say. Kylo whirled around and marched toward her, fire blazing in his eyes. “What were you hoping to gain by this conversation, Rey? Anything? Or were you just interested in starting another fight? You’re pretty good at that.”

Rey had to speak through clenched teeth to keep from shouting. “ _ You’ve _ turned this apology into another argument, not me.”

They stared at each other for a long time. His eyes searched her face, but she didn’t remove her eyes from his. After a moment, he sucked a deep breath in through his nose. 

“I’m done.”

He strode back to the door, but this time Rey lunged forward, grabbing him by the arm. “I’ve done so much to get you home. I’m not stopping now.”

He had the audacity to scoff. “What’ve you done? Flirt with death? You haven’t done  _ anything  _ for me;  _ I’ve  _ been the one saving  _ you!” _

He was right - partly - and it stung. But Rey had done plenty for them. This had been a team effort since day one, and she’d done her fair share. 

“You didn’t have to save me. I didn’t ask you to. And besides, if I hadn’t been with you those first several days, you would have been caught or killed for  _ sure.” _

“It’s cute that you think that,” he chuckled, a condescending smile twisting across his face, “but I don’t need you.”

“Then why did you bring me with you? Why did you go to all that trouble to save me?”

“Because,” he said,  _ “you _ needed  _ me.” _

“I don’t need you,” Rey muttered.

His smile dropped as quickly as it had come. He leaned down so close that his breath was warm on her face when he spoke. “Then _get_ _out.”_

He ripped his arm out of her hands and stalked away. Rey watched him leave through a haze of frustrated tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. 

“Fine.”

Her bag was still packed from when she’d tried to leave what seemed like eons ago. After throwing in a few more ration packs, some credits, and a canteen, it was ready. 

If this was what he wanted, fine. It was what she’d wanted, too. At first. 

But was it what she wanted anymore?

She turned to watch over her shoulder as Kylo left the ship and wandered off. He didn’t want anything to do with her. Her resolve hardened and she slung her pack over her shoulder. 

Whether she wanted it or not didn’t matter. There was no stopping it now. She’d show him that he  _ did  _ need her. Just as much as she’d needed him. 

But as soon as he figured that out, she’d be too far gone for it to matter. 

* * *

Kylo knew Rey thought he hadn’t seen her leave. The way she’d scanned the immediate area then darted away...she’d wanted it to be a secret that she’d left. But he’d watched, every muscle in his body twitching with the need to run after her. If he hadn’t practiced reining in his impulses over the past several years, he would have. 

Though he was hurt by her words, he had no right to be angry. She hadn’t been wrong. Rey had no moral obligation to believe him, to trust him completely. Her sparing him at all had been a great act of mercy. Kylo had simply expected far too much from her. And now he might have pushed her away for good. 

It was hard to watch her leave and trust that she’d come back. But he couldn’t help but think it was better for everyone that way. As soon as they headed back to the Resistance, he’d be taken and incarcerated or executed, try as Rey might to deny that, and some obvious distance between the two of them would keep her and her reputation safe. Besides, he’d been the one who’d told her to leave. He hadn’t entirely meant it, but if she needed some time to cool down, he could use some, too. 

She’d be back. Eventually. 

Panic tried to rise up and catch him off guard. 

_ What if she gets lost? What if she gets hurt? What if the Order tracked you here and she gets caught? What if she doesn’t come back?  _

He had half a mind to go looking for her now. But he’d promised himself he’d wait until dark. If she hadn’t returned by then, he’d head out after her and hope that she wasn’t dead. But if he went any sooner, he’d only make her angry. So he’d leave at dark, and not a moment sooner. 

He had plenty to do around camp while he waited. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter was a lot of moving parts and shifting gears, but the next one will be pretty substantial stuff, I promise. Again, it should be out pretty soon. 
> 
> Thank you again for your patience with me and for coming back even though you have to wait so long! The readership of each and every one of you means so much to me, and I can't thank you enough for it. I hope you enjoyed, and I can't wait until next chapter!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been three hours at most since Rey had left camp, and already paranoia was eating Kylo alive.
> 
> Every few minutes, he reached out to find Rey’s Force signature, finding relative comfort in its continual presence. His gaze flicked to the outside of their camp intermittently, searching for her. Every time the trees rustled, his heart caught in his throat, and he hoped to hear her returning.
> 
> It was pathetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's out! Not as soon as I'd hoped, but it's out!
> 
> Please enjoy!

It had been three hours at most since Rey had left camp, and already paranoia was eating Kylo alive.

Every few minutes, he reached out to find Rey’s Force signature, finding relative comfort in its continual presence. His gaze flicked to the outside of their camp intermittently, searching for her. Every time the trees rustled, his heart caught in his throat, and he hoped to hear her returning.

It was pathetic.

But he couldn’t help it. She could be in real danger. What if she was dead? Common sense told him that if she _was_ dead, he would know. And he would - he would stop being able to sense her - but the thought was less than comforting. By the time he knew she was in danger, he’d be too late.

He wished he’d agreed to experiment more with their bond. While it wasn’t clear just how much access it would give them to each other, it would certainly be more than what they had at the moment. Yes, he could feel her to some extent, repressed as it was; he knew that she wasn’t in any immediate peril, and occasionally he could sense her simmering feelings, usually of anger and frustration. But if someone sedated her? If they injured her so severely she lost consciousness? She wouldn’t feel anything for him to sense until it was too late. A few times, he’d considered letting his side of the bond open completely, but their previous experience kept him from doing so.

What if he accidentally incapacitated her so if someone _did_ find her, she’d be left defenseless? She’d be captured and carted away before the sun set.

So, no, he’d just have to wait.

But he’d also considered going out after her. It would be a risky course of action, both because he was going out on his own and because if he _did_ find Rey, he’d most likely be making her even angrier, but it was better than sitting around doing nothing. He’d weighed his options, the pros versus the cons, and decided that if she hadn’t ventured back into camp by nightfall, he would go after her.

But as the hours ticked by, it became increasingly difficult to wait.

Before the sun had even noticeably started its descent below the horizon, Kylo paced the edge of the camp, his eyes scanning the trees beyond it hoping to find Rey. While it would be reasonable to assume that she was just being stubborn and had left with the express purpose of making him worry, the longer she stayed away, the more worried he was that maybe she wasn’t alright.

He wasn’t sure when she’d gotten so far under his skin, or when he’d started getting a tightness in his chest when she could be in danger, but there was no way he could ignore it now. For reasons he would or wouldn’t eventually understand, he _cared_ about her. He couldn’t stand the thought of anything happening to her, and if he had anything to say about it, nothing would.

But until dark, she would have to take care of herself.

More than once, he caught himself gathering things together so he’d be ready to go by nightfall. He’d stop, afraid that if he let himself finish packing the bag, he’d leave without looking back. But every second that ticked by made the knot in his chest tighter and tighter.

Eventually, the sun dipped below the horizon, and when it finally did, Kylo was more than ready. He almost tripped over himself in his haste to grab the bag full of the things he’d packed just in case. A canteen, a medkit, some food, and a sleeping pallet for if he didn’t find her tonight. He hoped he wouldn’t need that last item; if he didn’t find her tonight, he might go crazy with worry.

As he approached the edge of camp, his heart was beating so fast and so hard he could hear it in his ears. He pushed back a branch, took a deep breath, and waded into the brush.

“Please be alright, Rey,” he whispered. “I _need_ you to be alright.”

He stumbled blindly through the trees, unwilling to use a light source on the off-chance it would attract unwanted attention from man and beast alike. Every sound he heard made him jump, even when he’d been the one to make it himself. He felt like a scared youngling. After several minutes of clumsy wandering, he cursed himself for not starting his search sooner. He wasn’t going to find her in time, especially not in this light. He would have to turn back and start again in the morning.

Hopefully, she’d make it that long.

One last time before he turned back, he closed his eyes to find her in the Force. She was still burning brightly, apparently uninjured and well. If that was what he woke up to find in the morning, it would be the greatest relief. But he wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep knowing she was still out here.

He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, trying to pinpoint her location, her mood, her state of hunger, _anything._ If he could open up just a little bit…

Resignation. That was what she felt. He couldn’t explain how he knew that to anyone who might’ve asked, but he knew, as sure as he knew how _he_ felt. Frustration mingled with it. Fear, desperation, uncertainty. Loneliness lay heavy underneath it all. For a moment, he hurt for her. She was handling so much he didn’t know about, never saying a word to him about it.

It was as if he was reading his own psyche.

_I’m so sorry, Rey._

A twig snapped to his right, jolting him out of his musings. This sound was closer than any of the others had been. His hand went to his lightsaber, and it was ignited in an instant. A silhouette appeared in the light it cast, flinching away. Kylo’s heart jumped.

“Kylo?”

The whisper was so soft that, for a moment, he was sure he’d imagined it. But no, he knew what he’d heard.

“Rey?”

She moved into the light and the knot in Kylo’s chest unraveled. Her eyes darted around his face until they finally settled on his and she visibly calmed. The wave of relief he felt was unparalleled.

“Rey.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He dropped his lightsaber and the bag over his shoulder and he ran. Faster than he had in a long time. Surprisingly, he felt his eyes sting with a wave of relieved tears, but he blinked them back. His arms flung themselves around her shoulders, and he pulled her against him.

She stiffened. So did he.

Immediately, he let her go.

His face burned but he tried not to show it. What was _that?_

In an attempt to erase what had just happened, he gripped her shoulders. “What were you thinking?”

She frowned, and Kylo felt her indignance spike through the Force. _“You_ told me to leave. What do you think I was thinking?”

As his eyes roved her face, he caught a cut tracing a line from the corner of her mouth to her jawbone. His thumb ghosted over it. “What happened?” he whispered.

“Kylo, look at me!” Rey shoved his hand away. “We’re talking about what happened at camp, not what happened to me out there.”

Kylo tore his attention away from the cut and huffed. “Did you think I was serious? I was angry. So were you. We both said things we shouldn’t have.”

She shot him a look and pried his hands from her shoulders, twisting to head back in the direction he’d come. Kylo watched her go, his words knotting up in his throat.

“Rey,” he called after her. “Rey! Rey, wait!”

She stopped, turning slowly to look at him.

“I’m sorry.”

For a moment, she looked surprised. Then her gaze softened. She turned completely towards him and Kylo took it as his invitation to continue.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about what I said earlier, but that’s not what I mean. I’m sorry about all of it. I’m sorry I ever even brought you to Snoke in the first place. I’m sorry it took me so long to get you out of there. I’m sorry I made it so hard on you those first few days after we left. You were just trying to keep yourself and everyone else safe.”

He paused to gather his thoughts and Rey looked satisfied with his apology. But he wasn’t done. He was apologizing for _everything._

“I’m sorry for lying to you in those dreams. I should’ve just come out and told you from the beginning who I was. You deserved to know. I’m sorry for what I did to Finn on Starkiller. I’m sorry for what happened on Takodana, and I’m sorry for digging around in your head afterwards. Those were _your_ thoughts, _your_ memories. I had no place in them.”

Rey looked surprised that he’d even remembered. Of course he had. How could he not? But what he wanted to apologize for last...he’d never be able to forget it.

“And, Rey...I’m sorry...I’m sorry f-”

He took a deep breath, caught off guard by the new wave of tears that had made its way to his eyes. He could do this, he could say it. He could apologize for what he’d done. But every time he tried to open his mouth, it seemed to be glued shut.

“I - I’m sorry for…” Another deep breath. “For…”

Kylo brought a hand up to his eyes, desperate to wipe away the tears there. It was too late - several had already made their way down his face and Rey had seen - but he tried anyway. He felt a hand on his arm, pulling it away from his face. Rey looked up at him with wide, sad eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

He could barely force his voice above a whisper. Rey nodded.

“I know. I’m sorry, too.”

She took his hand and folded it in her own. Kylo stared at her, then at their hands, trying in vain to stop the tips of his ears from turning pink. She, too, seemed to notice the strangeness of the gesture given their current relationship, but she didn’t let go right away. She gave it a squeeze, then put it back down at his side. After a beat of silence, she headed towards his discarded bag and lightsaber.

“Let’s head back,” she said. “I think we have some things to talk about.”

* * *

Rey had tried to stay angry with Kylo. Really, she had. But his anxious eyes shining at her through the trees had been hard to stay mad at.

At first, when she’d heard someone moving near her, she’d been worried the Order had found her. She’d tried to run away but hadn’t been quiet enough, and suddenly her surroundings were bathed in red light. Before she made out his silhouette in the haze, she was mortified. But Kylo’s relief had played across his features clearly, and she couldn’t deny that she’d felt a certain amount of relief at seeing him, too, for more reasons than him not being out to kill her. Then, his reaction to seeing her had been strange, but her reaction to seeing him had been strange, too. Never would she have thought she would see him at his weakest, would willingly _take his hand._ And then he’d done the last thing she’d ever expected from him. He’d apologized for _all_ of it.

Even Han.

Of all the things that had changed her mind over the past weeks, that had affected her most. She knew now she could trust him. Even without his tears, the remorse he felt had radiated off of him in waves through the Force, and it wasn’t something he could fake. It was the same suffocating feeling that had engulfed her when she’d gotten a glimpse of his head.

She’d decided it was time for them to hash a few things out. There would be plenty of time for her to sort through her feelings later. Right now, it was time for them to lay new ground rules and form a new plan.

Slowly, she nudged Kylo back toward camp, and what seemed like hours later, they came across it again by sheer luck. Everything was packed away inside the ship, and the hatch was shut. After looking through the bag, Rey realized that Kylo had fully intended to spend as long as necessary looking for her.

The longer she thought about that, the harder it became to process.

So she didn’t. She brushed past Kylo after giving him a pat on the back and went straight to their fire pit to make a fire. They hadn’t used it very much for fear of being spotted, but she was willing to risk it tonight. With the conversation they were going to have, she would feel claustrophobic enough in the wide open air, much less inside a ship.

Unfortunately, her work was finished far too soon - she’d built the fire as big as she dared - and they were forced to face the long-overdue conversation.

Kylo still stood where she’d left him, staring into the fire as if it held all the secrets of the galaxy. He seemed dazed, like someone had just punched him. Rey knew what that look meant.

“Kylo,” she said.

He snapped to attention. Once the clouds in his eyes had receded, Rey patted the spot next to her. He hesitated. Rey was afraid that he would turn and march onto the ship, and this would be the last she’d see of him for a long while. But he didn’t. He came and folded himself into a sitting position on the dirt beside her. Rey watched him without saying a word for a little while.

It was obvious he was still thinking about what he’d apologized for. He looked as terrible as she assumed he felt, and he wouldn’t meet her eyes. She had to get him out of his head before she lost him completely.

“Is there anything _you_ wanted to talk about?” she whispered.

He didn’t respond. Rey noticed him blink back tears, and she had the decency to look away.

She would have to try a different approach to this conversation. There was so much they needed to discuss, so much she’d thought about while she was out wandering, but neither of them were in a great place emotionally. They were exhausted mentally and physically, and the anxiety that followed them everywhere because of the looming threat of the Order was definitely taking its toll. Everything was changing so fast it was hard for Rey to keep from being overwhelmed.

She pulled her knees to her chest and set her chin on top.

Maybe it would be better if they got some sleep and tried again tomorrow.

“Rey,” Kylo whimpered. “I think about that night every single day.”

Rey froze. She didn’t say anything in response. Even if she’d had something to say, she didn’t want to scare him. So she shut her eyes and stayed silent. She’d done a lot of talking recently; it was time for her to listen.

“I see it at night when I don’t see you, and it’s still there to greet me in the mornings. It never _ends.”_

Rey resisted the urge to cry, herself. She took a deep breath and bit down on the inside of her cheek to stem the flow. Her memories of Han, though few, were still painful to recall. But she’d never had to look back on her memories of him with gut-wrenching remorse.

“Snoke said it would. He said it would all end. He said if I could just do that one thing, if I was _strong enough_ to do it, that it could all be over. He acted like it was a weakness, treated it like something he could beat out of me. _I_ thought it was a weakness.” His jaw moved oddly as if his next words were stuck in his mouth. “I was just being _human,”_ he whispered.

She chanced looking his way, but she snapped her eyes shut again as soon as she saw his face. He was in pieces. Rey had never seen him like this; she wasn’t sure what to do. So she did nothing.

“He acted like my humanity was a _disease._ Like I had to get rid of it or I was weak. And I believed him.”

Rey tried to ignore how his voice shook, tried to ignore the self-loathing that permeated the Force around him.

“I can’t expect you to trust me,” he mumbled. “Not after all I’ve done. I won’t even ask you to forgive me. How could I expect you to forgive me if I can’t forgive myself?” He took a deep breath through his nose. “I’m so sorry.”

It was silent for a long time when he finished, save for the occasional sniffle. Rey wished she could say something. _I forgive you,_ or something to offer him comfort would have been preferable, but she couldn’t think straight.

Could she forgive him? Certainly, this Kylo was not the same monster Snoke had tried to twist him into. But, Rey was not sure _who_ he was. He was broken and defeated, lost to a past of betrayal and horrible memories. The life of Ben Solo had been full of misery and loneliness much like hers. The life of Kylo Ren had been overrun by atrocities and false senses of belonging. But as far as Rey could tell, Kylo Ren’s life had just ended, and Ben Solo’s had begun again.

A sureness settled around her shoulders and she reached for the crook of his arm. She opened her eyes.

“Ben.”

She’d expected the word to feel foreign on her tongue, but it felt surprisingly natural. Definitely more natural than ‘Kylo’ ever had. She’d never use that name again.

“Ben,” she said again. He looked at her like he’d seen a ghost, and she could feel him shaking. She gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. “I forgive you.”

He stared at her for a moment more, then all tension left his body.

“What?” he whispered.

“I won’t excuse what you did,” she continued. “I won’t tell you it was all right or the right decision. And I can’t tell you you’ll never have to face it. But I can forgive you.”

Ben’s eyes had glossed over with fresh tears, and he looked down at her hand. He covered it briefly with his own, then looked back at the fire. “Thank you.”

A peace that Rey hadn’t felt since long before leaving Ahch-To descended over her. She patted his arm and then folded her hands in her lap. They sat in silence for a little while.

They’d gotten the hardest part of the conversation out of the way. At least, what she had planned. She was hoping Ben had nothing unexpected to say; she still had things to talk to him about that he would be shocked to hear.

The matter of letting him leave for example.

It had been the only thing she’d thought about while she was gone. She’d decided that he’d had a point, that he’d been saving her an awful lot - even to where she almost resented it - and that it was her turn to repay the favor. It wasn’t going to be easy or pleasant to lie to Leia, to Finn, to Luke, but Ben wanted to start over. He wanted a chance to do something good with his life. He wouldn’t be able to do that from prison.

Their bond had also been a subject she’d mulled over a great deal. Maybe she could convince him that it was something that would be beneficial in situations like the ones they’d found themselves in a couple days ago. They’d been separated and left to their own devices. But maybe if their bond had been open completely, they would’ve been able to keep a close eye on one another. She just had to find the right way to approach him about it.

“I think we should work with our bond.”

Rey blinked in surprise. “What?”

Ben stared into the fire, and it was hard to miss the reddish tint on his cheeks. “I-if you still want to, anyway. We don’t have to if you’ve changed your mind.”

“No, no, no.” Rey shook her head. “I haven’t changed my mind. I was just...thinking about that, too.”

“Oh. Well, we can start small, like you said, and work our way forward.”

“Sounds like a plan. I was hoping that would help us if we got separated like on Alvorine.”

Suddenly, he tensed. “Please don’t leave again.”

Surprised by the urgency in his voice, she turned her head slowly to look at him. Still, he was watching the fire as if there was nothing else to see, but the fact that his hands were balled up into fists so tightly that his knuckles were white let her know he was waiting rather impatiently for the confirmation that she wasn’t planning on heading out while he was asleep.

“I won’t. I’m just talking about when we’re forced apart.”

He nodded, but his jaw clenched.

“I won’t leave, Ben. I promise.”

Slowly, he relaxed. Rey stared at her hands and resisted the urge to wring them together.

Now, the time had come for her news.

“Speaking of leaving,” she mumbled, “I think I’m going to let you...go your own way after this is over. Once you think it’s safe, we’ll split up. I’ll go back to the Resistance and you can go to the farthest corner of the galaxy if that’s what you want.”

“Are you serious?”

He gaped at her, more tears coming to his eyes. Rey was sure he’d cried more tonight than he had in months.

She nodded. “I won’t enjoy lying to everyone, but I can live with it. I couldn’t live with you losing the chance to be good again. If you still want to start over when all this is through, I won’t stop you. But,” she continued, “if I hear you’re stirring up some new regime in the Outer Rim, I will hunt you down myself and set Poe Dameron loose on you, and I will not lose a wink of sleep over it.”

She was joking for the most part, and Ben could sense that. He offered a weak chuckle that she returned. When their laughter had died out, he sighed.

“Thank you. For all of it. It’s more than I deserve.”

“Thank _you_ for everything you’ve done for me.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment. Then a thought crossed Rey’s mind, and she smiled.

“Do you know what this means?”

“Hm.”

“This means we have to call a truce.”

This time, Ben’s laugh was more than a chuckle. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. No more fights?”

“No more fights,” Rey agreed.

A beat of silence, then Ben said, “How long do you think this truce will last?”

Rey pretended to consider it. “A day. Maybe two.”

“You have more faith in us than _I_ do. I give it until tomorrow morning.”

“Tomorrow morning?” Rey feigned offense. “Tomorrow afternoon, at _least.”_

“I think you have a little too much faith.” Ben laughed again and moved to stand. “I think it’s time we turn in-”

“No, wait,” Rey said.

He looked back at her and frowned.

“Let’s just...sit here until the fire dies. It’s nice out.”

Though he seemed a little confused, he didn’t protest. He sat back down and stretched out so he was comfortable. Rey curled up again and closed her eyes, reveling in the warmth of the fire.

How odd that the calmest Rey had felt in years was with someone who was supposed to be her worst enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, you all can see why I left all of this out of the last chapter and made it its own. And hopefully, it was worth the wait! 
> 
> So much has been resolved. Is it as relieving to you guys as it was to me? It felt nice to let the tension release.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are loved and appreciated so much more than you will ever know! Until next chapter!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Chewie,” Finn said, glancing over at the Wookiee’s side of the console, “what are you doing?”
> 
> Plotting a course.
> 
> Finn frowned. “I don’t know my way around the galaxy, but I know that’s not the way to Alvorine.”
> 
> No. Beheboth.
> 
> “Beheboth!”
> 
> Finn groaned. They’d been fighting over where to start looking since they’d managed to sneak past base patrols. He was pretty sure that at some point they’d agreed to start on Alvorine, but maybe not; he was still only so-so at understanding Shyriiwook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooooo sorry this has taken so long to put up! School was like a slap in the face and I was overwhelmed for a couple weeks, but things are settling in now, and I'll really try to keep things consistent around here. To those of you that are still here, thank you! I can't possibly be an easy person to wait on, lol. 
> 
> On to the show!

“Chewie,” Finn said, glancing over at the Wookiee’s side of the console, “what are you doing?”

_Plotting a course._

Finn frowned. “I don’t know my way around the galaxy, but I know that’s not the way to Alvorine.”

_No. Beheboth._

“Beheboth!”

Finn groaned. They’d been fighting over where to start looking since they’d managed to sneak past base patrols. He was pretty sure that at some point they’d agreed to start on Alvorine, but maybe not; he was still only so-so at understanding Shyriiwook.

“Chewie, we need to go to Alvorine! Rey isn’t going to be on Beheboth anymore; the Order’s already scraped that place clean.”

Chewie didn’t stop what he was doing. _We can ask around._

Finn sighed. “Chewie, no one’s going to talk to us. They’re going to be too scared to say a thing about anything after what the Order did to them. Our best shot is to go to Alvorine and scout around. If the Order thought it was important enough for a visit, then they had to have a good reason to believe that Rey was there. Maybe they left something behind that _we_ can use to find her.”

_If they didn’t?_

“Then we’ll go with your idea.”

Chewie stared at him in silence. Finn sagged in his seat. “Please, Chewie. We’ve only got so long until someone comes looking for us, and they’ll know exactly where to start. We’ll be hauled back faster than we could blink.”

After a beat, Chewie made a sound akin to a sigh and reset their coordinates. Finn couldn’t help his triumphant grin. They were so close to finding Rey he could taste it.

His victory was short-lived.

He’d known Alvorine was populated by small villages with a handful of large cities at best, but gliding over the treetops, you’d never know it. Even if there were some sort of civilization down there, the foliage hid it from overhead view, and there was no way the two of them could go down and search the entire planet on foot.

“Chewie, what’s this planet’s population?”

Chewie didn’t turn to look at him. _Less than a million._

The sinking feeling in Finn’s stomach was hard to ignore.

“Look for large clearings,” he said. “Places where it would be easy to set up camp, but difficult to be spotted from a distance. If we want to find her we’re going to have to be right on top of her.”

Chewie nodded.

They searched for hours, scouring every inch of the planet with their eyes. Finn wasn’t so sure he’d made the right decision in stopping at Alvorine first. Even if she’d been here at one point in time, there was no way they’d be able to figure that out. Maybe the Order had only come here on some sort of hunch based on information they had that the Resistance didn’t, and it had fallen through. Maybe they’d wasted precious time chasing a dead-end.

“I think it’s time that we try your idea,” Finn sighed.

As he reached for the controls to set their course to Beheboth, Chewie caught his hand.

_There._

Finn looked up at the Wookiee, confused for a moment before he looked in the direction Chewie was pointing. Directly below them was a particularly large clearing, and something had torn through it and left a _mess._ The two of them shared a look and without another word, Chewie steered them toward land. The closer they got to the clearing, the more evidence Finn could see of someone having been there.

Maybe all hope was not lost.

As soon as they touched down, Finn hurtled out of the cockpit at top speed, tearing through the ship and out the exit. When he reached the ground, however, he stopped. It was spongy and damp, and if you looked, you could see footprints. Hundreds of them scattered everywhere. Most of them were the same size, same shape. Uniform boot prints that spiraled in every direction. But beneath those, there were smaller footprints. These were shaped differently and more shallow than the others. Finn felt his breath catch in his throat.

“Chewie, she was _here!”_ he shouted up into the ship. “Rey was here, she had to be!”

He bounded into the surrounding forest, searching for more prints of the same size. Eventually, they tapered off going away from the camp, but he found another line of similar footprints leading back to it. Finn was so excited he could burst. Rey was _alive,_ he knew it for certain. He’d known she hadn’t died on _Supremacy._ Rey was strong, she wouldn’t let some spineless coward like Ren kill her. But having tangible confirmation cemented him in his beliefs.

Chewie came up behind him as he was searching for any more evidence of Rey and clapped a hand down on his shoulder.

_If it’s not her?_

Finn wanted to scream. They’d found real proof that Rey was alive and Chewie would so quickly dismiss it?

“How many people do you think come around here, Chewie?”

_Too many footprints._

He’d thought about that. They were stormtrooper footprints. They had to be. He would recognize them anywhere.

“They’re from the stormtroopers. The Order _was_ here. And they _were_ looking for Rey.”

Chewie glanced around at the clearing. His eyes settled on one spot not too far from them.

_They found her._

Those three words made Finn’s heart sink lower than it had been before. “What?”

Chewie walked slowly towards a cluster of bushes a few meters away. Finn followed, his heart in his throat. When Chewie pulled the bushes back, Finn half expected to see Rey’s body crumpled in the dirt. But it wasn’t Rey; it was a pile of stormtroopers, each with a gash or hole seared into their armor.

“At least now we know for sure it was her,” Finn mumbled.

_What about Ben?_

“Do _not_ even go there.”

If Rey had done this, she’d done it on her own. She’d escaped, she’d survived, and now, she had to be on her way home. Kylo Ren had nothing to do with it, to hell with what Maz believed.

As Finn ventured out further into the trees, he saw more and more bodies, some of them wearing armor shattered by their own blaster bolts. Rey had fought hard to fight them all off. Tendrils of doubt crept into the back of his mind. What if she’d fought but it hadn’t been enough? What if they’d killed her and taken her body back to Snoke? What if she was their prisoner again? Finn almost couldn’t bear to think about it.

But no. No, she was alive. She’d fought and made it out, and she was hidden out somewhere in the surrounding system, waiting for the confirmation that it was safe to come home.

They just had to find her.

“Chewie!” he called as he tromped back into camp. “We’ve got to visit every planet in this system; she could be on any one of-!”

A sharp clattering cut him off. He looked down at the ground where a canteen sat close to his foot. The canteen was half inside a footprint, but this one was one he hadn’t seen. Maybe he hadn’t seen it because he hadn’t been looking for it, maybe it was just hidden amongst all the others. But it was too large to be Rey’s. Not the same as a stormtrooper’s. It couldn’t be his - he’d never been this way, and he was walking in the opposite direction the footprint indicated. And Chewie didn’t wear shoes. A sick feeling twisted his stomach as he bent down to pick up the canteen.

Maz couldn’t be right, she couldn’t be. There had to be another explanation that he couldn’t reason out right now. Maybe this was someone’s regular hiking path. There was no way Rey was with Kylo Ren. She’d be in more danger with him than on her own.

Any plausible explanation he’d accept. Just not this. Not that she was with _him._

He marched back into camp and straight past Chewie whose eyes he could feel on his back.

“We have to find her Chewie,” he muttered, clutching the canteen. _“Fast.”_

* * *

Even before she opened her eyes, Rey knew she’d be stiff when she sat up. She could feel her limbs twisted at odd angles, her head lolled to one side. And whatever she was laying on wasn’t soft. She’d probably fallen asleep outside.

She couldn’t be annoyed, though. The hours Ben and she had spent talking and watching and listening had been some of the calmest she’d had in a while. Ben seemed compatible with her in a way no one else was. For example, Rey usually hated silence. Silence was lonely and isolating. But she and Ben had been silent for long stretches of time, and Rey hadn’t ever felt alone. She’d never experienced a comfortable silence before; it was nice. And forgiving him had been something she never would have thought she could do, but she’d done it. Forgiving him had made her feel lighter. It made her feel like she’d taken all her hurt and anger and directed it not at him, but at what he’d done.

Ben had changed drastically since _Supremacy._ Or, at least, her perception of him had. He was a completely different man to her now, and she was glad to have someone around that she could call a friend.

It was the first one she’d had since leaving Finn.

She took a deep breath and forced her eyes open, spots dancing in her vision before she snapped them shut again. She groaned and brought a hand up to her face. Or, she tried to. Her arm was pinned against her side by something large, something warm.

A strange feeling blossomed in her stomach as she opened her eyes again, and her heart froze for a moment when she saw what it was.

Ben was lying curled against her.

She tried not to panic. In fact, for a moment, she had to force herself to stay sitting. The quickest way to make sure this didn't go south and _fast_ was to keep him asleep. Then she'd never have to address it.

So she sat and stared at him, taking in the set to his jaw, the tension in his shoulders. His eyes darted around beneath his eyelids and even without opening up to him she knew that his rest was less than peaceful. Even his breathing was labored for someone who was sleeping.

Rey wondered if maybe it would just be better to wake him up. Whatever hell he was living in his dreams was something she’d want to be pulled from in his situation. But ultimately, she decided it would be better for the both of them in the long run if they could avoid this altogether. Guilt sprouted in her stomach, but she pushed it down.

Slowly, she put her free hand beneath his head and lifted it off her shoulder. He remained asleep as she scooted out from underneath him and lowered his head to the ground. But, to her horror, he stirred as soon as she removed her hand from beneath his head. She was fairly certain she stopped breathing as he took a deep breath, mumbled something incoherent, and rolled back over. Rey felt herself sag.

That was _way_ too close.

After giving herself a moment to breathe, she pushed herself to her feet. There was a lot to do around camp to get it back to where it had been before she’d left. If she stretched it, she could probably make it last all day. She needed as much time as she could get to process everything that had happened the previous night.

Before she walked back into the ship, she stole one more look at Ben. He still looked tense, and the guilt Rey felt intensified. She crouched next to him. She would try not to wake him up, but if there was anything she could do to help, she’d do it. After a moment’s hesitation, she reached out, letting her hand rest over his forehead. She closed her eyes and opened herself to him.

His pain washed over her, stopping her short. Was she sure she wanted to do this? Would Ben even _want_ her to? Probably not. What could she even do? But she couldn’t stand to leave him like this; she’d have to improvise.

She opened herself again and resisted the urge to shut down. She pushed back against his pain with thoughts and feelings of her own, feelings of hope and of joy. When she’d found out Finn had come for her on _Starkiller,_ when she’d managed to fly the _Falcon_ off of Jakku, the first time she’d seen the forests of Takodana, any time she’d succeeded in doing a task Luke assigned to her. Every positive emotion she could garner from those memories she gave to him, and though she couldn’t be sure, she thought it was working.

After a few minutes of this, Ben relaxed under her hand. Finally, he looked to Rey like he was at peace. She pulled her hand away and sat back on her knees, making sure that he’d be alright if she left him alone.

A beam of sunlight broke through the trees and fell across his face, the shadows it cast making him look...younger, somehow. More vulnerable and innocent. Maybe it was just that he was sleeping. She brushed some hair back from his face, noticing how long it was getting. They really had been on the run for quite awhile. She’d thought to buy him depil cream for his facial hair on their Beheboth shopping spree, but nothing to cut his hair with. She’d have to offer to help him put it up, or buy something to cut it with on their next planet jump. But she had to admit, his hair the way it was wasn't exactly unflattering.

Suddenly remembering herself, she yanked her hand back, her face on fire. When he didn’t tense back up, she stood and walked in the direction of the ship before she could change her mind.

She felt strange today, felt that she was acting strange. In fact, if she didn’t know any better, she’d say that she was getting _feelings_ for Ben Solo.

* * *

Kylo couldn’t remember the last time he’d had good dreams.

He’d had plenty of bad ones, some neutral ones, sometimes he didn’t dream at all. But a _good_ dream? He hadn’t had one in years. Not until last night.

His dreams hadn’t started out good. In fact, they’d been worse than they’d been in a long while. Their conversation the night before had brought memories of his father to the front of his mind, and every one of them, even the good memories, had been twisted and tainted to the point of making him ill. They’d featured in his dreams.

But then suddenly, right in the middle of his father’s death, he melted away, and Rey stood in his place. They were in the dream space they shared, but Rey wasn’t talking to him. She wasn’t even looking at him. She was laughing and smiling, the happiest he’d ever seen her. It was as if he were watching holos of her. Flying the _Falcon,_ laughing with Finn, taking in the forests on Takodana. Peace and contentment flooded through him, and when, in one scene, she used the Force to propel a few small rocks into the air, her celebratory dance and subsequent fit of giggles was enough to send a wide grin sprawling across his face. In that moment, his nightmares had never felt farther away.

He’d woken up not long after, and found himself sprawled in the dirt. Rey had come out of the ship carrying several of their belongings to set their camp up once again, and he’d hopped up to help her. They were still working, now. She was humming softly to herself but he wasn’t sure she realized it. About halfway through their unpacking, Rey had let her hair down and it fell around her face. Kylo’s stomach had twisted in a way it never really had before; she was beautiful. And every small thing she did - the way she chewed on her thumbnail when she was thinking, the way she’d close her eyes and smile when it was nice out, the way she’d sing quietly when there was no other conversation - he couldn’t help but notice it. It was endearing. There was absolutely no one else in the galaxy like her. He wished he could tell her.

In fact, he wished he could tell her a lot of things. He wished he could tell her how much her forgiveness meant to him, how much he appreciated that she spoke to him like he was a human being, how she saw him as someone who could change. He knew he didn’t deserve it, that he didn’t deserve any of this, but she thought he did. He hoped maybe he’d be able to see himself the way she was starting to see him.

And Ben. She’d called him Ben. The first time, it had caused his stomach to turn. But the more she did it, the better it felt. He wouldn’t be used to it anytime soon, but coming from her, Ben was the only name he wanted. He wasn’t sure _he’d_ even be able to think of himself as Kylo anymore. It wasn’t who he was. He wasn’t the same Ben he’d been before, nor would he ever be again, but he would make sure he was never Kylo again, either.

Rey had affected him too much for that to happen.

Almost as if she’d heard his thoughts, she looked up at him and beamed, and his stomach twisted in that way again. He smiled back and she returned to her work, but not before he’d come to a startling conclusion.

He, Ben Solo, was falling in love.

* * *

Borga was the single worst planet Finn had ever had the misfortune of visiting. Every inch of it was covered in swampland that he and Chewie had been waist-deep in for hours, and they were no closer to finding Rey. If she _was_ here, Finn would have to physically restrain himself from throttling her as soon as she was found. What kind of creature made their home on a planet like this? Though he supposed that might’ve been part of her plan. But now it was going to be that much harder to find her. Where could she even have gone? They could only find one semi-solid place large enough to land; how would she be able to find somewhere large enough to stay?

Something squelched ominously beneath his boot for the fifth time, and he sighed. “Chewie, I don’t think she’s here.”

Chewie grumbled something that sounded a lot like _I could’ve told you that._

Finn rolled his eyes and sludged along in the direction of their ship.

He was starting to lose hope. They’d searched every habitable planet in this system, and Rey had yet to be found. But the galaxy was too big for Finn to hop from planet to planet looking for her. They might have to wait for her to show herself before they could start looking for her again.

_Remember where we’re going?_

“Yes, I remember where we’re going.”

Finn had been wary of traveling very far from the ship for fear that they’d get lost forever if they did. Chewie had insisted he had a great sense of direction, but Finn still hadn’t traveled farther than a couple miles from the ship in any direction. His plan had been to hop around and take the planet in sections, but he just couldn’t stand being on this planet a minute more. He couldn’t see how Rey would be able to do it either.

He and Chewie were silent the entire trek back. Finn didn’t have the energy to speak, and he could tell Chewie was getting tired too. Once the clearing was in sight, Finn mustered up the last of his strength and ran as best he could. But once he’d crawled up on land, his stomach sank down to his toes.

The ship wasn’t there.

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

Chewie crawled up behind him and let out a moan.

_You said you remembered!_

“I thought I did!”

He searched around the small space, hoping and praying to every deity he could think of that he’d just led them back to a different spot. There was no way his luck could be _this_ bad.

_Finn…_

Though he knew he’d only be disappointed by what he saw, he turned to face Chewie. The Wookiee stood next to indentions the same size and shape as their landing skids.

Finn wanted to be sick.

“No...no, no, no, no, _no!”_ Even though he knew full well that they were the only people who’d landed on this spot in decades, he still crouched down to inspect the markings. “Did you ever hear the ship leave? _Who would even steal that ship?_ It was older than I am!”

Talk about being stuck up a creek without a paddle. They were trapped here. Finn tried to take deep breaths to calm himself, but not even an entire day of meditation was going to help him now. He growled and stood up, kicking at the muddy ground.

 _“Damn it!_ What do we do now?”

When he turned back to Chewie, he saw that there was a small device clutched in his paw.

“What is that?”

He had a sneaking suspicion he already knew, and he couldn’t decide if he should hug the Wookiee, or smack him.

_I told Poe._

Finn thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. “So he’s been tracking us _the whole time?”_

_No. He can track this. I push the button._

He pointed at a button on the side. Finn looked up at him in disbelief.

_Poe respects Leia. He agrees with you._

Finn stared between the tracker and Chewie, his jaw bobbing as he tried to form a full sentence.

“Did you guys know the whole time? Was this planned?”

_We saw you. Not a good liar._

It stung but it was probably the truth. He sighed and closed his eyes. “Call him.”

Chewie stepped away, pressing the button to send Poe their location. Then, he found somewhere to sit and wait. Finn favored taking laps around the small space to let off some steam.

As if this rescue could have gone any worse; now _he_ was the one who needed saving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're in LOOOOOVE...ThEy'Re In LoVe!!!!! We're finally there you guys, heavy pining for chapters to come. I hope you all can't wait, because I know I can't!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated! I love you all so much, and I can't wait for the next chapter!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You ready?”
> 
> Ben looked up from the bag he was packing to the doorway where Rey stood, lightsaber in hand. Her voice was light, like she was trying to convey cheerfulness, but anxiety flitted through her eyes. He couldn’t blame her, he was nervous, too.
> 
> “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’m coming.”
> 
> She nodded and disappeared from the doorway.
> 
> Ben sighed, closing his eyes to steel himself against what was coming. Today was the day, they’d decided. They’d agreed to work more with their bond, and this was when they'd start. Ben didn’t have a clue how. Worst-case scenario, they’d stare at each other for a few hours with little-to-no result. Best-case, they actually got somewhere and neither of them embarrassed themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter in less than a month? I know, I'm surprised, too. I just figured that since it took me so long to get one out last time, I owed you some more a little bit sooner. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“You ready?”

Ben looked up from the bag he was packing to the doorway where Rey stood, lightsaber in hand. Her voice was light, like she was trying to convey cheerfulness, but anxiety flitted through her eyes. He couldn’t blame her, he was nervous, too.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’m coming.”

She nodded and disappeared from the doorway.

Ben sighed, closing his eyes to steel himself against what was coming. Today was the day, they’d decided. They’d agreed to work more with their bond, and this was when they'd start. Ben didn’t have a clue how. Worst-case scenario, they’d stare at each other for a few hours with little-to-no result. Best-case, they actually got somewhere and neither of them embarrassed themselves.

“Here goes,” he mumbled, hoisting himself off the cot.

Rey was waiting for him outside the ship, staring off into space. She was wringing her hands absently, chewing her lip. If Ben’s stomach weren’t twisted into knots, he might have smiled.

“Hey.”

She jumped, her lightsaber coming to life. Ben’s eyes widened and he threw up his hands. “Woah, woah!”

“Sorry!” She clicked it off and shoved the hilt into her belt. “Sorry, I’m just jumpy. I’m…” she trailed off.

“Nervous,” Ben supplied.

“Yes,” she said, and she looked grateful that he’d suggested it. “I’ve been trying to push this down for months and now I’m getting ready to just... _ open  _ it. Just like that.”

“I’m nervous, too,” he said.

‘Though I'm sure for a different reason.' 

If Rey had somehow managed to get far enough inside his head that she found things he’d been repressing for  _ years,  _ what was stopping her from taking hold of the newest of his internal conflicts? They’d gotten to a good place in their relationship. Rey was the only friend he had. If he screwed it up with the most cliché, standard move of letting her know  _ he loved her? _ He’d hate himself more than he did already.

“Are we sure we want to do this?”

The corner of Ben’s mouth turned up. “You told me to say yes if you asked me that question,” he chuckled, passing her and making his way towards the trees.

He heard Rey sigh and fall into step behind him.

They’d agreed that it would be best to venture out away from camp. It'd been a little while since they'd gone anywhere else, and it was time for a change of scenery. But it was also a precaution. They didn’t know the full extent of their bond. What if things got out of hand? It would be best if they didn’t destroy their only way out of here.

Rey walked in close step behind him as they carved their way through the brush. Both had their lightsabers at the ready. If they received any unwanted visitors, they wouldn't be caught off guard. Rey had his back, and he had hers. Ben liked that.

There were a few times when Ben felt her hand brush against his back to keep her from losing her balance. Each time he tensed involuntarily, and each time she apologized. He wished he wouldn’t. He wished he could be comfortable with the contact because he didn’t mind it, not really. In fact, it was kind of nice. But rarely had anyone touched him in the past several years, much less gently. The crazy, fantasy-driven piece of him even considered reaching back and taking her hand. He figured the gesture would be far from welcome.

Was it even morally acceptable for him to feel this way about her? He supposed he had for a long time, certainly longer than the two days he’d been admitting it to himself. But it wasn’t fair to her to let her know he felt this way. It put her in an uncomfortable position; she lost either way.

“Ben?”

He pulled himself from his thoughts. “Yes?”

“What are we even going to do?”

He’d been hoping she wouldn't ask that question. In theory, he was the more experienced Force user. He  _ should  _ know what was going on here, what they should do to learn more about it. But in terms of the connection they had, he was a novice.

“I was planning on winging it. We’ll just do what feels natural.”

She was silent for a few minutes. “Ben?”

He chuckled. “Yes?”

“What if this bond isn’t just thoughts? Or feelings, or memories, or whatever this is.”

Ben frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You know on Alvorine when we were separated?”

Ben’s side - mostly healed now, but still sore - ached at the memory. “Yes.”

“I almost died.”

Ben trained his face into an impassive mask, but he couldn’t ignore the flip his stomach did.

“But you didn’t.”

“But I didn’t,” she agreed. “And I have a hunch it might be because of you.”

He had to fight back a laugh. “I wasn’t with you.”

“I know that,” she huffed. “But I was completely surrounded. I had at least thirty blasters trained on me, and my last thought before they fired was, ‘I wish I’d asked Ben how to stop blaster bolts.' And then I opened my eyes and they were all hanging there in midair. I couldn’t think straight my heart was beating so fast, but somehow, even when I was panicking, I knew what to do. What if it was  _ you  _ that knew what to do? What if I pulled it from your head?”

“Or what if you’re more capable than you think you are?”

He looked back at her over his shoulder. She was staring off into space again. “Maybe,” she muttered, but she didn’t sound very sure.

“Look, we’ll work on it, okay? We’ll just have to see how it pans out. We’re both beginners here; we’ll learn together. It’ll be fine.”

At least, he hoped so.

When they finally found a small clearing a little ways away from where they’d set up camp, Ben set their bags off to the side and directed Rey towards a gnarled stump in the middle. He sat on the ground opposite her and folded his hands together.

“Alright. I guess the first thing we should do is…”

He fumbled around in his head searching for a good first step. He couldn’t look like an idiot.

“What if we start by opening ourselves again?”

Ben wanted to slap himself.  _ Duh. _

“Good idea.”

He watched her close her eyes, presumably to do what she needed. Ben didn't have to do much. He just had to let go. He felt the snapping sensation he’d felt that night when Rey had seen everything. A dam burst in his head, but he didn’t lose control of it this time. He kept it measured, steady. It wasn’t controlled by a fit of emotion, but with purposeful attention. 

He felt Rey’s trepidation mix with his own, felt everything about her almost like he was feeling it. When they were closed off, only the strongest things made their way through the bond. But this? This was everything. Every cut, every scrape, every bruise. Every fleeting thought or passing feeling, he felt it. It was such that he wasn’t sure he felt anything completely unless it was like this.

“You okay?” he mumbled.

He noticed Rey had gone a little pale before, but after a moment, the color returned to her cheeks.

“I’m okay.”

They sat in silence for a while to take it in. Though it was silent, Ben could’ve sworn they had a whole conversation. It went without question they would have to take things slowly because this bond was too massive to understand all at once.

“It’s a little overwhelming,” Rey whispered.

The tentativeness he’d felt from her had now morphed into pure fear, and, remembering she could feel everything he felt now, he calmly deposited a wall between her presence and the things he didn’t want her to find. Some of his  _ newer  _ feelings. Thankfully, she either didn't notice or didn't want to fight him on it.

“Like I said, we’ll start small.”

Her eyes were still squeezed shut and he had to stop himself from taking her hands in his. To his horror, she reached down and did it for him.

He’d have to do better at hiding his impulses.

She squeezed so hard that her knuckles were white, and Ben began to close himself off, little by little.

“Don’t!” Rey insisted, her brows knitting together. “I can handle it, I promise. I just have to get used to it.”

Ben squeezed her hands in reassurance. “Take as long as you need. You get the short end of this stick; I figure you’re entitled.”

She tried for a smile and opened her eyes. Her smile fell. “I can’t imagine living like this all the time.”

“It’s better than it used to be.”

Rey glanced down at their hands and Ben felt himself flush.

“Let's try something, okay?” he said, taking his hands gently from hers. “Pull a thought from my head. A memory...something. But on purpose.”

She opened her mouth to say something then snapped it shut. Ben frowned.

“What?”

“I...it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

It was obviously not nothing. But he didn’t need her to tell him; he already knew.

“If you’d rather I go first, I can do that.”

She looked ashamed. “I'm sorry. I just wouldn’t even know how to start.”

Ben nodded and slipped into her mind. It felt wrong to be there, at first. He’d been there before, but never like this. It was a surprise to him when she didn’t immediately push him out but instead invited him further inside. He wasn’t sure how to go about finding something. It was all there at his disposal, and many things, he regretted to admit, had already been privy to his prying eyes. But he wasn’t looking for broad concepts this time. Anybody could do that. Rey had seen his  _ memories.  _ And she hadn’t had to try.

He decided that he’d take it easy this time. He came to the first thing he was drawn to. As he came to it, it swallowed him, and he had the horrifying sensation he was falling. But Rey’s face quickly changed in front of him and the door to her mind was slammed shut so quickly that Ben felt the impact.

“Not that one.”

“I’m so sorry. It’s just what was there, I-” Ben couldn’t believe it. The one thing he’d wanted to do was make sure he didn’t hurt her, and he’d done it. “We don’t have to do this now. We can try something else.”

“No, I  _ want  _ to do this.” She was getting frustrated now. “I  _ want  _ to work with this because we need to know what this is. We need to know what to do with it.”

“But it’s okay if you’re not ready for a jump this big. I’m not sure  _ I’m _ ready for it. We can start with something smaller.”

“No.” Her eyes bore holes into his, and he felt her presence in his psyche once more. “Again. Try it again.”

This time, he ventured a bit deeper than before, and this time, he got so far into the memory he  _ heard  _ it, but again, he was pushed out.

“I can’t! I just can’t. I thought-”

She put her head in her hands and frustration welled up so powerfully in their bond that Ben had to tamp down his own.

“Rey,” he said softly. “Why don’t you  _ give  _ me a memory?”

She moved her fingers so her eyes were visible through them and Ben was shocked to see tears there.

“We’ll try one more time. Show me what you want me to see. That’s something we’ll have to learn, too.”

Rey nodded and, opened herself to him once more. This time, there was a memory waiting for him when he got there.

A small cot flashed in front of him, trinkets on makeshift shelves, metal walls. This, he realized, was Rey’s home. It blinked at him from several perspectives, then he was on the cot, a large, lumpy animal seated in front of him. It was a Happabore pup.

_ Okay, Mr. Wrinkle.  _ Rey's voice rang in his head, much higher and softer than he'd ever heard it before.  _ You can have a little bit but not too much. _

A grubby little hand held out a small piece of ration bread. The Happabore sniffed it and knocked it from her hand.

_ Hey! Don’t waste food! _

Several more scenes played out in front of him, all from Rey’s point of view. The Happabore sleeping on the ground next to her, the Happabore waiting for her upon her arrival home. A smile tugged at his lips when he heard Rey’s laughter. The two of them were inseparable for a while if he was to take the growth of the pup to be a reliable gauge. Then finally, he came upon the end of the memory. A hunched man in a cowl that hid his face was tying a cord around the Happabore’s neck and taking him away.

“The pup belonged to one of his Happabores,” Rey whispered as she came back into focus in front of him. “I hadn't known, of course. He’d gotten out I guess, and I found him sniffing around so I took him home. He was someone to talk to, at least. The owner wasn’t mad, but he wouldn’t let me keep him. Besides, I couldn’t have taken care of him; I wouldn’t have been able to feed us both.”

There was nothing negative on her end, just bursts of nostalgia, but Ben felt small pangs of pity. Quickly, he shoved them down. Rey wouldn't appreciate them.

“Your turn?”

He hesitated and Rey’s face changed. Sympathy warmed their bond.

“Never mind. You’ve already had your turn. We can try again some other time. Let’s work on something else.”

Ben smiled. “Okay.”

* * *

“So you just want us to...spar?”

Ben looked at his lightsaber like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. Rey flicked hers on. “Exactly.”

It didn’t seem like Ben had believed her when she voiced the idea that he’d saved her with his fighting style, but Rey knew he had. As much as she would  _ love  _ to take all the credit - of which she deserved  _ some  _ as she’d had to pull it from his head - she knew her limits. Stopping thirty-some odd blaster bolts was not within them. She couldn’t help but wonder if maybe their abilities went beyond that, if they were amplified now that they were open to each other.

“Rey, I’m really not so sure about this. I don’t disagree that sparring is a great idea, but we agreed that today involved working with our  _ bond-” _

Rey swung her lightsaber at his side and his eyes widened. His lightsaber cracked against hers just in time.

_ “What the hell?” _

“I just want to try this out, Ben, work with me,” she grunted, taking a swing at his head.

He ducked, again catching her saber with his. “Next time, warn me  _ before  _ you take a swing at my side.”

_ One. Two. Three.  _ Each time Rey moved, Ben was right there to head her off.  _ Hit. Hit. Hit.  _ It was like clockwork. They sparred for several minutes, and slowly, Rey found her hypothesis to be increasingly correct.

Rey raised her saber over her head and brought it down hard. “Quick question.”

Ben shoved the blade away from his face and blew a piece of hair out of his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Can you tell what I’m going to do before I do it?”

Their sabers locked together and they were still for a moment as they cracked and spit sparks. Ben looked like he was contemplating her question and shrugged. “Maybe.”

He pushed her back enough to unlock their blades, and now Rey was on the defensive. But she wasn’t having any trouble fighting back. Much like she’d suspected, she could sense what he was going to do before he ever made the move to do it. She even managed to use some of his moves against him, and when she continued to be a step ahead, he became visibly surprised and confused.

“How are you  _ doing _ that?”

His fighting style wasn’t easily memorized. There was a pattern, she was sure, but she hadn’t been fighting him long enough to know it. From an outsider’s view, he was sporadic and unpredictable. But somehow, not to her. Not anymore.

An opening appeared and she went for it, disarming him. Then her hand shot out and his throat was closed in her fingers in seconds.

“Believe me now?”

Her hand wasn't closed tightly, it applied just a bit of pressure, but Ben didn't answer her. She removed her hand, just to be sure, but still, he didn't speak. And, maybe worse, he didn't move away. He stood inches from her, eyes widened in awe and...something else. Her heart was thumping in her chest, and though she might've liked to say it was because of their sparring, she knew it wasn't.

There was something about the look in his eyes that made her heart beat faster. She couldn't quite tell what it was, and she couldn't tell if she loved it or loathed it. Either way, she was very confused by the situation.

She slammed their bond shut before he could feel anything from her end and plastered on a smile, hoping her eyes wouldn't betray her. “I'd say that's enough for today, wouldn't you?”

He nodded and Rey pivoted on her heel, desperate to put some distance between them before her heart burst and her face caught fire. She picked up Ben's lightsaber from the ground and tossed it to him. He caught it, stuffing it in his belt.

“Let's head back to camp,” he said, but his mind seemed to be somewhere else.

“Let's do that,” Rey agreed.

As she followed Ben back into the trees, she focused on keeping her traitorous thoughts to herself. She would have to snap out of whatever this was sooner rather than later; she could already feel herself sinking in way over her head.

* * *

_ He’s here. _

Finn looked up at the tiny shape in the sky as it slowly came closer. Poe had arrived sooner than either of them had expected. But Finn didn't care. Though he was dreading their return to base, he couldn’t muster up any remorse over his actions. He’d done for Rey what she would’ve done for him.

Poe came slowly down the ramp when the ship landed, a smile warring with a look of fake solemnity as he came down. “You two alright?”

Chewie snorted and picked up his bag, making his way onboard. Poe caught him as he passed by. “If Leia asks, I didn’t know.”

He shook his head and continued walking. Poe watched in mixed amusement and surprise. “Hey, I’m serious!”

_ Sure. _

Poe turned back to face Finn, hands on his hips. “Hope you’ve made peace with your God, bud.”

“I don’t care what she does. I don’t regret what I did.”

“And you know what, deep down, I don’t think she does, either. But she told you what would happen. She's got to make an example of you."

Finn was doing his best to keep himself in check, but the fact that Poe still wasn't getting it made it difficult. "Why? Because I had the courage to do what no one else did?

"Finn, people back home are freaking out because they think our one real hope is gone and their other hero’s gone off the deep end. There’s more to think about here than just us."

“I was thinking about  _ Rey-” _

Poe held up a hand. “Were you? Were you thinking about what Rey would want? Because I’m not sure she’d appreciate what you’re doing.”

_ “Someone has to help.” _

“Finn, I don't disagree, but look at you! Look at what happened, here! You’re out here to save her, and I had to come and save you!” He shook his head. “This isn’t helping anyone. Not even Rey.”

“I was doing more than you were. More than Leia was. More than  _ anybody.  _ Maz doesn’t even care that she’s gone.”

Poe waved him off. “Maz has her own ideas about what’s going on, Finn. I won’t pretend to understand them but I know better than to question. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about Rey. In fact, she’s under the impression that Rey’s safer where she is than she could ever be with us.”

“But that’s not true,” Finn insisted. “You  _ know  _ that’s not true.”

“Of course I do.”

_ “Then why aren’t you helping me?” _

“You’re not making it very easy.” Poe studied him up and down, and he must have seen the desperation behind his expression. He sighed. “I’ll do what I can to keep you out of the brig, but there’ll still be hell to pay. And not just from Leia.”

Finn couldn't give up and go back just to be thrown in a cell until he was needed again. Rey was out there, and he knew it for certain, now. “What if we didn’t go back?”

Poe tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “You've got to be kidding me.”

“We could still find her!”

Poe waved his hands to stop him before he could give his speech. “Alright, you know what? If you can give me an exact location, and reasonable evidence to support the fact that you think she’s there, I’ll take you. If we come back with Rey, you’re a lot less likely to die at Leia's hand.”

Finn hesitated and ultimately remained silent. He wished he had that information. He’d never wanted to know for sure where she was more than in that moment. But he couldn’t give Poe a location. And Poe knew it.

“Okay, then.” He gestured towards the ship. “I’m sorry, Finn. I really am. But it’s time to go home.”

Finn made sure that the look he gave Poe conveyed how he felt about this betrayal. And then, though every step made him feel ill, he dragged himself onboard and locked himself in the crew quarters.

He didn’t show himself the entire trip home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're starting to explore more of their bond than just the dream aspect (though there will still be more of those, don't worry), and other pieces of the storyline are starting to shift, too, so get ready!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated! I'll see you all next chapter!


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